DS struggling at Cambridge

[Naturenurture]

He’s only been there for two weeks but says he wants to leave. He’s a very social, extrovert person and says he feels like no one is on his wavelength. Not terribly sporty but he’s trying to join clubs and societies, and just says he feels like he makes lots of overtures and doesn’t get any response. He’s got a wide social circle at home and says all his friends at other unis seem to be out every night. I don’t know how to help him, he knows he can’t just throw away such an amazing opportunity but he’s just so lonely that it’s heartbreaking. Is this normal, normal for Cambridge, or do you think we have a problem?

Dhs friend from college married his ballroom dancing partner.😍

This is a long time ago but I hung out with the medics and went to loads of medsoc events which were basically just party after party.
and I wasn’t a medic!

I’m being a bit dim where do I find the dm’s ? Thx

I'm just rolling home from a rare and precious night out with two of my closest friends, who I met at Cambridge, back to my husband, who I met at Cambridge. I didn't meet any of them until my second year there - it can be worth sticking it out!

I’ve only read your posts OP. My son went to Oxford, felt exactly like yours but came to love it so much he didn’t want to leave.

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Has anyone from his school gone there? Could he meet them and see how they are getting on? I had a friend from school at my uni but she was a fish out of water in her halls and got on so much better with my friends in different halls one of whom became her husband. Unfortunately, it can happen that you are a fish out of water but with social media and reddit and the likes he will find his tribe

It takes time.
I met my lifelong friends in labs in the second year (not at Cambridge). I was friends with one of them in first year and then we got to know the others when the lab groups changed and we were working together. We all got on so well and are still friends now.
He will get to know people on his course. It's very early days.
Also the theatre thing will really help.

I think it's hard when you've had a great group of friends at school and you can't remember what it was like before you met them. Then you go to university and don't know anyone. People are from a wide range of backgrounds, often very different from your own. You have no shared history, no in-jokes etc.
Tell him to stick with it, go to the theatre society, talk to people on his course and suggest meeting for coffee and study sessions etc.

@Ceramiq @Umbilicat I do think Cambridge is possibly more extreme on not being as sociable. Problem is, nowadays you literally have people who are machines working away all the times. Many are internationals or from cultures, perhaps, where there is a lot of pressure on them to succeed and work literally ALL hours.

I think it's a shame, as there doesn't seem to be as many of those polymaths who find it all easy. Not belittling the students who are there at all - and I know there will be a range of personalities and brains - but in the past, there were definitely more well-rounded students on the whole.

Yes many worked hard but there were also the what I call 'truly gifted' those who don't have to work 24/7 to get good results.

But these kind of students probably disappear through the process now as the entry tests obviously favours a hard slog on repeat and repeat and repeat.

I have a feeling Cambridge has always been seen as the more 'sciency' place so, with that, I guess you have always had the more insular types.

Yes, I'm generalising but I know many kids who are at both Oxford and Cambridge. And only probably 1-2 are those that I call 'truly gifted'. Others are machines when it comes to learning, going over past papers etc.

And when people say they'd get spotted in interview - not if you're bright and well prepared and with super solid entrance stats.

That doesn’t sound remotely like the Cambridge I’ve heard about from dd and her friends over the years, she and they seem to have managed a nice mix of work and play.

Well look at admission stats - admittedly Oxford but would assume very similar for Cambs. The hot house regions/countries such as China, Hong Kong and Singapore have huge amounts of successful applicants (especially when you look percentage wise against number of applications). Kids in those countries are worked to the bone. Not many Europeans at all - I guess on the whole Europeans (apart from Eastern Europe) tend to have a much more holistic view to education.

@countessofmonte "But these kind of students probably disappear through the process now as the entry tests obviously favours a hard slog on repeat and repeat and repeat."

Our children and nephews/nieces would concur with that: Cambridge's insistence on selecting on academic interest in a narrow subject excludes some much more rounded personalities with multiple interests in favour of seriously geeky sorts.

@countessofmonte "Not many Europeans at all - I guess on the whole Europeans (apart from Eastern Europe) tend to have a much more holistic view to education." Western Europeans tend to have less selective schooling that maintains general education until at least 18, meaning that it is hard to compete with students who have done A-levels with their razor focus, or even IB.

What college is he in OP - is it one of the very small ones? People say all kinds of strange things about 'Cambridge students' but they are just the same as any other students. Why wouldn't they be? Some may be a bit anti-social, but you get such people in all walks of life. Would your son just go and knock on doors of people in his staircase, or corridor? Introduce himself? Usually the college system makes it super easy to meet people. Could he volunteer to help as a student welfare officer in his college - he's bound to meet people that way and there will be all kinds of roles. Or be in the social / events committee, something like this? And, as others have said, if all else fails... there is rowing!

Is it the case that he's a humanities or social science student in a college like Churchill where they are mostly STEM maybe? There were a few STEM (sorry!) students like this in my DCs' colleges who, shall we say, were a bit 'singular' - rarely socialised and were quite happy that way. I guess if he's been unlucky and ended up on a corridor full of this type of student, it could be tricky initially. But honestly, probably 90% of students are not like this. Maybe he has something like 'imposter syndrome' and is psyching himself out?

Is he going to the weekly formals? Surely he'd meet people there? Does he sing at all - there may be various choirs (not just the college chapel choir).

He could go along to the main student union and see if there are any roles there? They always like students with ideas for organising events or debates etc.

I'm sure he'll be absolutely fine very soon. He just needs to take a few steps in the right direction. I really hope it gets better very soon. Xx

2/3 are ‘home’ students though, which is similar to or higher than many other unis. But regardless they really aren’t all workaholic single interest geeks.

At undergraduate level there's only 20% of undergraduates at Cambridge and at Oxford that are international so they have a lower percentage of international students than several other universities and the diversity is good. Their acceptance rate is lower than UK applicants at Oxford.

Can't say I have noticed any difference in the calibre or personality of students going from my day to today other than obviously far more state schooled these days. All the ones we know at Oxford or Cambridge now do plenty of socialising including the international one we know from one of the named countries though there will be others who do much less. But both are big universities so even if its only 25% that are very social that's still a lot of students its just tracking them down. Some subjects always seemed to attract more people with special interests in that subject rather than well rounded but that has always been the case and the majority were and still are strong across the board.

Smaller colleges can offer less in terms of in college socialising so if at one of those it may be best to look outside for opportunities at university wide societies which include everything under the sun and you can join anytime.

I hope this week has gone okay. I just wanted to share this with you. Ds decided not to apply for Cambridge because he wanted a bit more of a social life. He got 3 A stars so is quite bright. He’s now at his very sociable uni and going out drinking every night. Yes he’s got a brilliant social life but I do now wish he had applied to Cambridge! Good luck to him

It's still early days. Most people are still finding their feet well into their first year. I got lucky by living on a very friendly floor in my first year and some of those friends knew people at another college so I gained two social circles, one of which revolved around parties and going out every week. His people are there, he just needs to make the right connections to meet them.

Yes, and I'm sure there are plenty who do have this well-rounded experience.

But of course there are LOTS of UK home students who come from cultures where intensive tutoring is common place. I mean I have an Indian friend who admits this herself. She says her friends/relatives are 'crazy' (her own word) and that she is more relaxed although admitting that even she sends her son to India over the summer to attend residential STEM/maths school! For context, her son does more extra/supracurricular stuff than any other kid I know.

So that's what I mean - these are kids who are like 'machines'.

But are they really ALL naturally gifted, or just really very bright and exceptionally hard working/pushed. I'd like to see more of a balance but I fear that is difficult with the current set up.

Don't agree with this at all, sorry. My DS is at Cambridge and having an incredible time both socially and academically - as are many of his mates. Other school friends who went to other Russell Group unis have struggled far more to settle in tbh.

OP - any uni is an adjustment and hopefully he will find his people and things will improve in no time. Lots of good advice on this thread x

Why would you come on a thread where a mother is posting about her DS struggling at Cambridge to say that your DS is having an incredible time there and then try to make the discussion about how much worse students at other unis are finding things?!

With a DS at Cambridge, you might have been in a good position to offer some advice or thoughts from him that might have been helpful to OP's DS. Instead you chose to use your time to say how amazingly your DS was doing there. I am often surprised by what other people post but this really took me aback on a thread in Higher Education which are usually so supportive.

She was responding to a specific post which was making an invalid claim that there was something odd going on at Cambridge - which a parent of a student having some initial issues settling in might also very much not want to hear.

Yes, I'm aware of the post to which she was responding and which, to me, just came across as an unsubstantiated opinion. But I stil stand by my reaction that she could have posted something potentially helpful to the OP, or just said her last sentence that students can struggle at all universities, instead of proclaiming that her DS (and his friends) were all doing fantastically at Cambridge and then choosing to make it about other universities

@Priorities2026 - yes I was responding to @Ceramiq 's post - 'Something very odd is happening at Cambridge. I hear so many sorry tales of students dissatisfied with their courses and social lives'. Unfortunately I do see a fair bit of Oxbridge bashing on the HE threads - often from posters who don't have DC there - so was trying to counter that.

Not sure it was unsupportive to OP - as I said, going to uni is an adjustment for all young people, and OP's DS has only been there for a short time...of course it takes some time to settle. And while Oxbridge can absolutely be challenging with workload, they have a lot of advantages for new students - masses going on, manageable geography and beauty, joined up pastoral care etc.