DC20 excluded from student house for third year, feeling devastated

[JeromeKJerome]

Had devastating phone call from DC20 this afternoon . They have just finished second year. All their housemates have gone home for the summer so she is in house alone. She got a message saying none of them wanted to live with her next year. They signed another contract for the same house back in December. She has no other friends. She has ASD and all she will say when I asked what caused it is it’s because of their Autism. This is so hard and I’m so devastated. Don’t know why I am posting but just lying awake unable to sleep. This happened a few days ago and she’s apparently been begging them to reconsider but they won’t apparently. She’s obviously done something but I’ve never had her cry like that before.

But they all jointly signed the new tenancy agreement, so it's not really that simple to change the tenants now. And as others have said, there's almost certainly going to be a cost to the other students if the lease has to be cancelled and a new lease made with the exclusion of OP's daughter.

Yes, she is liable to the landlord. However, in the circumstances I think she would have a good case to reclaim her rent from the others.

All of them. And they did it after they had left, so I think the chances of it having ‘blown over’ by September are non-existent.

Could you look on the spare room website for her and find someone seeking a roommate?

So if she cancels her contract as per their request thats all of them out of a house under the new rules. Too bad, eh?! Might be quite easy to find a different house thats looking for just one more person eg if a different group has had someone drop out. Uni accommodation service should be able to assist.

Unless OP has sufficient funds to rent the house for her DD for a year, she could give notice, bin the rest of them off and take it on alone!!, or get some other friends together and take it together.

What utter shits!

Under the new rental reform laws all tennancies can be ended with 2 months notice and it only takes 1 person to do it. Get her to write to the letting agent/landlord to do this to limit your financial exposure.

I can’t see how she can possibly live with these people again.

You can see if the University can provide any help but private halls possibly in a studio may be worth looking at but I’ll be costly.

Best of luck and I hope karma gets her ex housemates.

Speaking as a landlord, I think the most important thing for the OPs DD is to speak to the landlord / letting agent ASAP to understand her position, and also the other students position.

The LL/Agent will be wanting to communicate with the others if their lease ends up being voided, and they need to understand the consequences of this - that info is better off coming from the LL/Agent.

@JeromeKJerome

If your husband is going over today/tomorrow, OP, I would advise ringing the Accommodation Team and the Disability Advisor to book an appointment.

This is a rotten situation for her.

You say that she has pleaded with them and they won't shift.

Personally, I wouldn't be inclined to plead with them any more but if she really does want to try and give it another go, would she be prepared to reflect on her behaviour because there must be something which has led to led to this.

Is there any way your daughter could work out what it is that has led to them dumping her? Was it a single incident or a pattern of things that she might be able to address directly with them.

If she feels she could stop that behaviour or not repeat an incident, could she reassure them of that and see it that might soften them.

If she can't work it out, is there at least one of them who could tell her what behaviour has led to this.

At the very least, it might help her in the future.

Am anecdote that might cheer you and your DD a little. My DD is in a shared house next year and they've found themselves short of one person - they have acquired a new housemate from the pool of people not committed yet. She has mutual friends with the new housemate and it seems they have been excluded almost certainly because they're a 'bit wierd' - DD suspects ASD. But the better news is DD (and half her new house) are all ND too and I reckon this person will fit in well!

Everyone is assuming the OP's DD has done something to bring this on herself. Why can't people conceive that there are just some very immature people at university and they can be guilty of employing group think and excluding anyone who doesn't fit neatly into their little group.

It's expensive but both our older two have gone for bedsits in student roost blocks.

Obviously you have to know what if any contract she still under but if halls are out - she could look at private halls and bedsit they do vary in price.

I wonder whether this thread will really help OP, or just wind her up even more. So many people leaping to call the flatmates bullies, may be well off the mark

How you can say this wasn't handled badly is baffling. Making the decision not to live with someone is fine, of course it is. For whatever reason - it's just life.

However, they waited this long, and for the OP's daughter to be on her own, and just dumped her at the very last minute, potentially leaving her severely out of pocket, with no where to live, and most of the better homes already taken PLUS knowing her vulnerabilities? Nah, that is nasty. Nasty.

From what the OP says, I do not think this was handled well in the slightest.

My sympathies to your daughter OP, I think the girls are arseholes (understatement).

Their university may be interested in what has happened here. It may be a breach of their behaviour policy. Maybe it is just me, but I would report them whatever your daughter decided to do about accommodation.

What do you think the university will do? Dock their marks and set them lines? This isn’t school, this is a group of 20-something young women who have made a contractual agreement with a private landlord that they now wish to change.

But if her housemates had told her in December before she signed the contract then she would have been in the same situation as you, living with them for 6 months knowing they didn't want her there. Probably leading to a breakdown and more self harming.

There was no option available to the housemates which would have been less bad than the current one. At least this way OP DD has the option of sorting a new home out in the next 3-4 months whilst not living with people she knows don't like living with her.

It's not ideal that they did it when OP DD was there alone, but maybe because they had all packed up and headed home they assumed she had too, and thought she was with her family for support.

How do you know the daughter hasn't? Or does having a disability exclude somone from acting human?

I’d focus on practical side of helping her get sorted with landlord and arranging new accommodation. There’s a lot of movement yr3 as some yp study abroad she will get a spare room or usually halls will be available as she has a disability. The uni should be supportive.
My dd is 20 and just had a had a horrible move out of yr2 flat. Things had deteriorated badly with one housemate. They were always only living together yr2 but things were ok in December so I can see how they could have signed and then deteriorated.
My DD and her flatmates had resorted to communicating by text and avoiding her. When they had tried to speak to her she accused them of ganging up and screamed in their faces. Various issues but most coming down to total lack of cleanliness eg not emptying bins all year, taking their things, not paying bills on time and much more. It was clear on move out day she’d told her mum she was the victim.
It’s always tricky living with relative strangers.

Because clearly the DD did fit for 2 years… something has happened.

They can take disciplinary action against students in breach of their behaviour policy which can be anything from a fine to being kicked out of university completely. If the university regards their actions as bullying or harassment, any penalty will be towards the more serious end of the scale.

This is very difficult OP but I would try to get to the bottom of it if you can. Honestly, I'd try and contact her friends myself in this situation. Not to change things, but just to understand, if she genuinely has no idea.

All the young people I know don't have any issues with autism etc (in fact most of them are diagnosed themselves) but they DO have issues with drama, bad hygiene/lack of cleaning and 'narcissistic' behaviour.

It is not your fault in any way OP, these things can happen to anyone. Possibly the others found some of DD's behaviour difficult, but if so they dealt with it in a very immature and callous way, not addressing the actual problems (if any) but agreeing to discard her from a distance. As per PP, very likely they will end up having to find an alternative flatmate or pay her rent themselves, so hopefully you and DD will not be left with any financial or practical burden apart from having to find somewhere to live last minute.

Agree with this. There was likely something she did/didn’t do or say that has triggered this decision now. She may have overlooked building tension or negativity towards her. Be honest with yourself, could she be difficult to live with, perhaps overly critical or messy, working into late hours or intolerant of household noise or behaviour. Or it may be they just have someone else in mind who they think is a better fit. Whilst it is never nice to be on the receiving end of it student flatshares break down all the time so please reassure her that she is not the only one put in such a position. It may even be she can salvage a friendship by not being with them 24/7 once she can overcome the upset and find alternative accommodation.

Is there a way you can contact the group. No blame or tone but to ascertain what happened. Go in wondering as a parent caring if everything is ok,what could have happened at first, not what have you done to my dd.
Not even to change things. But to get their handle on the situation. It then leaves no unwanted questions and you might be able to help her wifh certain symtoms which might even help her cope too if you can work throguh anything. Even if not it just gets you in the picture. They could have found something I your dd outside of autism ir to do with it. Or they could be immature little knobbers who are bullies. But this all feels so uncertain even for you as parents which only leads to you all ruminating.
For your dd I think its about comforting her and next steps. How will she cope going forward and what to do practically with living.