DC20 excluded from student house for third year, feeling devastated

[JeromeKJerome]

Had devastating phone call from DC20 this afternoon . They have just finished second year. All their housemates have gone home for the summer so she is in house alone. She got a message saying none of them wanted to live with her next year. They signed another contract for the same house back in December. She has no other friends. She has ASD and all she will say when I asked what caused it is it’s because of their Autism. This is so hard and I’m so devastated. Don’t know why I am posting but just lying awake unable to sleep. This happened a few days ago and she’s apparently been begging them to reconsider but they won’t apparently. She’s obviously done something but I’ve never had her cry like that before.

OP I had something similar happen to me and the housemates ‘relented’ and said I could stay after all but I wish I hadn’t it was a bloody nightmare!

There was a sort of queen bee one with a boyfriend and some really odd dynamics, I got on well with most of them but not her- I think they only relented as they wanted the rent not me. They would hold housemates nights and schedule them for when I was working, only tell me last minute. We all talked about booking a holiday and they booked it one night when I was out and told me several days later I could tag along but they’d booked as part of a package and now the costs had risen etc etc. I started spending less time in the house and made friends with a girl I’m still best friends with 30 years later.

I would say living alone will be much more peaceful and will make space in your daughters life for better friends- I still regret spending so much time begging to be liked and second guessing myself- unsure if it was all in my head etc etc.

(Queen bee had quite the dramatic post uni life which I must admit I do stalk on insta somewhat…)

This is the reason I don’t think a lot of the comments on here will be of long term benefit to the OP and her daughter. It is very likely there is another side to the story and that is where all of the insight and learning for the OP’s daughter would come from.

It is of course possible that arsehole group think is the problem but if it isn’t then the OP’s daughter needs to learn about herself.

Sorry if I misunderstood, but I thought you said they were in the same house, but without her-I am not sure what you mean by get out of the contract? If it's been signed, how can they not let her back? I would seek legal advice, again sorry if I misunderstood, and I have so much sympathy for you and her.

Oh I really feel for your DD -when I was at uni with then undiagnosed ASD and ADHD all my “friends” organised living arrangements without involving me. People are very quick to just exclude people who are a bit different.

Id be looking to extricate your DD from the house and these people. They clearly can’t handle anyone being different- hopefully they will grow up at some point. It’s likely your DdD hadn’t done anything apart from be herself, and she needs to know herself is good enough and deserves more.

Speak to disability support, see if there are any other ND people looking for housemates - quite often ND people get on better with each other.

Also if you can afford it don’t discount your DDs suggestion to live a lone, if this is seriously something she might find easier and less stressful - it can be difficult for NT people to understand how nice and peaceful being alone can be if she’s having to be social for a lot of the time, she can then choose when and how to interact,

I wish you all well, I found Uni the hardest part of my life due to ND there’s little escape from the constant exhaustion that masking brings

With the new legislation for renters, has she given notice on the house? First things will be to contact the landlord and student support. Honestly `I think parenting gets harder not easier. She shouldn’t beg to live with them-they won’t treat her nicely and she would have a terrible time. Hopefully uni can find her a single person space.

What message would this be sending to the girls. That they have to put another person's mental health and behavioural needs before there own in the place where they have a right to feel safe and secure.

You can't start telling anyone, let alone young women, this message.

The problem is having a system where they have to commit to living with someone for 12 months, 9 months in advance. This is none of the girls faults.

This doesn't sound like bullying or harassment. They haven't been teasing her, hiding her things, banging on her door at 3am, locking her out or whatever.

They just don't want to live with her going forward.

They had only lived together for a term before they had to sign a contract for third year housing.

I’ve seen you give excellent legal advice many times.
Can I just clarify when you say they should cover all fees and possibly additional rent for a new property, there is a clear legal obligation for them to do this?
I assume it would have to be pursued in a civil court, and the students might not currently have the resources for this.
OP’s DD could currently be released from her obligations by terminating the Tenancy Agreement. ( as I understand it). Would not taking this option affect her chances of success in court? I am thinking along the lines of practical action to mitigate losses.

You are speculating that they don't feel safe and secure with OP's daughter. If there is good reason why they don't, this is not bullying. But we don't know that. This may be as simple as one of them wanting a friend rather than OP's daughter and persuading the rest to join her.

They signed a contract agreeing to share accommodation with OP's daughter. They now want to push her out. Unless they have good reason, some universities would class this as bullying.

Okay, then 'safe, secure AND happy'.

Surely this is a general Mumsnet message in the relationship section when applied to LTB threads.

They are allowed to want to feel happy in their home, and if that means having a different housemate that is okay.

The system that put them all in this position is the problem.

You have to wait until the house has disbanded for the summer to communicate this as living together is intolerable once one person has been excluded.

It really isn't bullying. FWIW one of our DC had a situation where one housemate had to be excluded because her mental health and emotional instability were compromising all the other housemates, including their relationships and academic performance.

Is there anything to suggest they didn’t feel safe and secure. From experience they probably just find conversations difficult, difficult to cope with communication styles and maybe some world views being different to theirs. That’s fine, it’s just different views, but maybe it’s a learning experience on learning to deal with situations where people are different. As they go through life they will be met with similar challenges, maybe they will find themselves in OPs position one day with their child being excluded for simply being them.

They can chose, but it’s sad they haven’t really done it in a kind way. Being ND at uni is quite frankly hell for many, personally I would be guiding my child to be supportive of a ND friend in transitions, rather than simply texting them when they knew they would be alone, maybe they could have spoken with the OP first to help manage this. girls with ASD are 9 times more likely to die by suicide than NT girls. 25% of women with ADHD have actively tried to take their own life. By the time anADHD child is 14 they will, on average have been criticised 20,000 more times than a NT child. This often leads to a thing called Rejection Sensitivity Disorder.

No we can’t tell people who to live with but we can judge them by how they treat others - they sound very immature and unable to think through the consequences of their actions and work to mitigate their effects.

I'm hoping the Ops DD is ok

There’s no evidence of this here though

All of them in a group Whatsapp apparently. She been apologising and begging them to reconsider but they just say no we don’t want to live with you. I don’t think we can rely on them changing their minds. They have quite deliberately waited until they had all left and she was on her own.

This is bullying, something may have happened but to tackle it by bully the person is out of order, as well as another poster pointing out it is cowardly

Apart from that they don't have a choice, the contract has been signed by all of them.

Hopefully you can be signed posted on this thread to helpful places, possibly the uni has people that can help deal with this

Yes there is, OP has replied saying that her DD self harms.

I normally agree with you, but I don't on this.

The RRA allows any of them to terminate a private housing contract with 2 months' notice, as I understand it. So anyone can push others out of a house share that no longer suits them, whether that's because they've decided to leave uni, to share with a boyfriend instead or because they do not think living with that person for the next 12 months is what they want to do.

@JeromeKJerome please don’t blame yourself.

you said she’s been apologetic to them, what for? What has she realistically done (be honest) that would make them do this?

not victim blaming, but if you can get to the bottom of how she presents vs how she regulates/copes and work with her it may serve her well in the future.

it may not be a matter of straightforward bullying, she may be extremely hard to live with. If you can help her overcome this, it will really help her going forward.

If they expected OP's daughter to pay any fees involved in finding a new tenant to replace her, OP's daughter should refuse. I would expect them to lose if they took her to court to try and recover those fees unless they can show that there has been a fundamental breach of contract by OP's daughter. By the way, if they avoid costs by installing someone else without the landlord's knowledge, they are likely to be in breach of the contract with the landlord.

Covering any increase in accommodation costs to OP's daughter is a bit more of a stretch, but they are in a contract with her and, unless their actions are due to some fundamental breach of contract by her, they are in breach if they exclude her from the house or behave towards her in such a way that she cannot continue living there, and should therefore cover any reasonably foreseeable costs she incurs as a result of their breach. That doesn't allow OP's daughter to get a luxury apartment and expect them to pay the difference in cost - she needs to do whatever she can to minimise her losses. But if it is not possible to find living accommodation of a similar standard at the same or lower cost than her share of the rent in the shared house, my view is that she has a case for recovering the difference in cost from them.

It’s just conflict avoidance- something that is practiced here on MN over and over and over again.

sure it’s not at all nice to be on the end of, it’s cowardly, it’s hurtful but it’s probably not malicious

the point is the other housemates have waited until the person is in the house on her own and then all messaged to say they don't want to live with her. It's ganging up (which is part of bullying) and sending a message on mass that they want to exclude her

If these housemates didn't want to live with her - there are many ways they could have tackled this without being cruel. They are all 20s and should know there are systems in place when they could have sought help with this matter

Which is likely done very privately. So no, no evidence of it affecting others

Any university assessing this as bullying with only evidence from one side would be extremely foolish.