Cost of stepdaughter going to uni will stop my son being able to do the same

[Exhaustedbird1]

Just after some views on this please as not sure where to stand my ground and how to make this fair.

For context so no drip feed : Married, have one DS and one DSD. DSD is one year older than DS.
DSD came into my life 5 years ago, I dont have any involvement in raising her (DH has her weekends at his PIL house as we have a tiny house and no space apart from a sofa bed (my house when we met and we cant buy bigger as DH still paying for his exW house until DSD turns 18, live an 1.5 hours away so she gets bored at ours and can't see friends / do hobbies over the weekends if she was at ours so it just works best).

DSD has her heart set on going to uni - I fully support her in her decision as I want her to live her life and follow her dreams. DSD mum says she can't afford to assist with funding DSD at uni (she is low income through choice, works 16 hours a week to get full benefits (those who'll comment how do you know; she proudly told me and said she couldnt imagine having work full time like I do) as DH still pays for half the house and some of the bills under the divorce agreement until DSD turns 18). Our joint income whilst not huge means that me and my DH are likely to have to fund quite a lot of her uni costs. I dont begrudge her this as I love her and want her to succeed in life but here's the kicker....
My son also has his heart set on uni and is a smart kid and needs a degree for what he wants to do in a career. By myself and my DH funding my DSD through uni means there's no way we can afford for my son to go.
To not drip feed, my DS's dad died when he was very young so no financial input from that direction.
My DSD will go to uni, her heart is set and both her parents and I want her to go but where does this leave my DS? I cant save up enough to cover his costs from my income and it just seems so unfair his life choices will be limited by me funding a child who is not biologically mine. I want the best for them both.
How do I make this fair?

Sorry, that should say at my PIL house, his parents

If DSD’s official residence is her mum’s house then her funding for uni will be based on her income so she should get full loan and grant

Presumably though your DSD (and potentially your son?) Will ve entitled to a full maintenance loan.

Then half the money you have available between them. They both need to work to fund the rest

You give them exactly the same. Anything from nothing at all to pay the whole lot. They max out loans (fees are paid that way). They work part time alongside. Both work holidays. Both could consider a year out before to save. It must be fair or you will split the family.

As PP has said her financial support will be based off her mum’s income. That won’t be enough so she might have to take a year out and work, and/or get a part time job.

your household should give the same financial support to both kids. If that’s not sufficient to cover their living costs, they will have to work

I don’t know how funding works, but I wouldn’t fund one of them and not the other. They either both go to uni or neither do.

DSD will probably qualify for a full student loan and grant, it is based on her DM earnings.

Hello, do you mean that because your income is too high she won't get the the maintenance grant so is reliant on you?

I mean the obvious thing is you and your partner sit down and work out bills etc, split that 50/50 and then with your own money you decide how much to give your children. He funds his daughter, you fund your son. If they have to work, go for cheaper housing etc then they will be in the same boat as lots of students.

You absolutely do not sacrifice your son for his daughter.

i could be wrong but it sounds like you SD lives mostly with her mum, who has a low income. If her mums income is assessed, she will get a higher loan and bursary than the minimum so her dad may not have to fund as much as you think?

Your son will be assessed on your and your husbands income.

It sounds like you and your husband might need to sit down and work out how much you can afford to give to support BOTH children, and this amount will need to be divided by 2. It shouldn’t be that she goes first so gets all the support and then your son gets nothing. They may both need to also get jobs to support themselves.

They both get the same.

Why in the world are you funding her? I really don't understand. You help you son, he helps his daughter.
And - you know - there are such things as loans! Of course it's more difficult for children of lower income families to go to university but it's by no means impossible.

DSD will get a full loan. You don’t need to find anything. She needs to make decisions for her Uni and accommodation based on how much the loan is. You can also look into bursaries with her is her DM is on benefits.

He married you and really didn’t factor in his daughter at ALL did he

You work out how much money you will have available to fund them and then split it equally , stop being so dramatic .

Both DS and DSD take a gap year and work to help cover the costs. My DD did this and is covering all her own living expenses- she will top up over the long summer holidays. We are still contributing some but not the bulk of it. Teaches great financial planning skills and real budgeting. If they want to go to University then they should appreciate their contribution and understand its value to them.

Not one penny of MY money would go to any other child aside from my own.

Parent up @Exhaustedbird1 . It really is that simple

I wouldn't be funding dsd, her parents will have to do that. You need to focus on how you'll fund your ds

Student maintenance loans are based on DSD's main residence household income ie with her Mum who is low income so she should get the full amount. It isn't based on both biological parents which is why shit hits the fan all the time with step parents.

Her Dad is married to you and lives with you. It shouldn't matter that some bills are still in his name at his old house as presumably he has bills registered at his own house with you.

This becomes an issue for your son as the household income is assessed for him and this means your income and your husband's income. You need to look into student loans, Martin Lewis website is good.

How old is the DSD?

This. If they get money, they each get the same. Or not at all.

Have you pointed this unfairness out to your DH ? What does he say? He should not be happy with that unfairness to your child or that tells you a lot about him and as LoughboroughBex says it should be assessed from income of her main residence surely.
This is a fine example of the Steptwattery in general that goes on when 'blending' families.

But he’ll stop paying towards the house so that money can go towards uni 🤷🏻‍♀️ shouldn’t impact that much surely?

But what if the OP has the money and WANTS to support her child.

By the sounds of it, the OP and the DSD never see one another.

A happy blended family, this is not.

The advice is they both get student loans and not depend on parents who can’t afford it. It isn’t one kid or another and not sure why you think this. Lots of people don’t have parental help and go to uni.