Cost of stepdaughter going to uni will stop my son being able to do the same

[Exhaustedbird1]

Just after some views on this please as not sure where to stand my ground and how to make this fair.

For context so no drip feed : Married, have one DS and one DSD. DSD is one year older than DS.
DSD came into my life 5 years ago, I dont have any involvement in raising her (DH has her weekends at his PIL house as we have a tiny house and no space apart from a sofa bed (my house when we met and we cant buy bigger as DH still paying for his exW house until DSD turns 18, live an 1.5 hours away so she gets bored at ours and can't see friends / do hobbies over the weekends if she was at ours so it just works best).

DSD has her heart set on going to uni - I fully support her in her decision as I want her to live her life and follow her dreams. DSD mum says she can't afford to assist with funding DSD at uni (she is low income through choice, works 16 hours a week to get full benefits (those who'll comment how do you know; she proudly told me and said she couldnt imagine having work full time like I do) as DH still pays for half the house and some of the bills under the divorce agreement until DSD turns 18). Our joint income whilst not huge means that me and my DH are likely to have to fund quite a lot of her uni costs. I dont begrudge her this as I love her and want her to succeed in life but here's the kicker....
My son also has his heart set on uni and is a smart kid and needs a degree for what he wants to do in a career. By myself and my DH funding my DSD through uni means there's no way we can afford for my son to go.
To not drip feed, my DS's dad died when he was very young so no financial input from that direction.
My DSD will go to uni, her heart is set and both her parents and I want her to go but where does this leave my DS? I cant save up enough to cover his costs from my income and it just seems so unfair his life choices will be limited by me funding a child who is not biologically mine. I want the best for them both.
How do I make this fair?

As pp have said DSD should get a full grant based on her mum’s situation and will also be eligible for individual University’s hardship funds/ maintenance grants which support widening participation for students from low-income backgrounds. I paid a bit towards my DCs accommodation but many of their friends couldn’t afford to contribute anything and they just had to manage with full loans, overdrafts and part time work like 10s of thousands of other students. Both of my DC have large student debits but all their friends do, it’s an unfortunate part of a university education these days.

I would try to put a limit to a 3 year course for both and get DS to take a year out so that they are only both at uni for one year as I understand that it will take a hit on your household income even if you each support your bio child. It really is doable for both children to go to university.

This

Both my children worked through uni. My youngest graduated this year.

Costs also depend on length of tenancy. Weeks could be 52 or 40. Glasgow uni has many student rooms for around £160-175 per week. En suite - yes it’s over £200 but that’s not necessary is it.

perfectly possible to fund your own way through uni with maintenance loan, some holiday work and possibly some term time work. Split what you have 50/50, let them both find the rest themselves. Suspect there’s more going on here emotionally than you’re letting on as it’s dead simple financially.

Your DSD will get a decent student loan as it will only be based on her mother's income and your husband won't have to pay for his ex wife's house as she'll be 18 so can put some of that money towards topping her loan up if needed. You definitely need to discuss it with your husband before his daughter starts uni and make sure he/you both only pay her an amount that you can afford whilst still being able to support your son going to uni as well. She should expect to work whilst at uni and not be fully funded by loan/parents - even med students can manage to work on top of uni/placements so there's no excuse of her taking money you need for your son to go to uni.

what does your DH say op? surely you work out what disposable income you can commit to giving the kids, baring in mind he won't be paying maintenance and nay other financial changes that will be in effect. you commit to that in her first year and half of that in her second and third year. he gets half in his first and second and all in his last. they both get jobs. they live at home if they can't afford to move out.

or, you split your finances, pay into a third account for household bills and you finance your own kid

How far off 18 will your stepdaughter be when she starts uni? If she will be 18
or close to that then I’d be having the conversation with her and her mother that the money that used to be child support will now be going directly to to stepdaughter to support her at uni. This would give her mother fair warning that she will need to increase her work hours when her daughter is 18.

I would second what this poster said but regarding what another poster said (to get DSD to do halls for the first year for the uni experience and she's not tied into a 52 week lease, the move in with you from year 2); bear in mind that student finance is now applied for every year, not once per course. Once she is resident with you, she will lose her additional funding, due to low income of her mother. The only way around this is if you don't sell your home and DHs ex-marital home until after she has applied for her final year finance. This may be beneficial anyway, as you proba ly don't want to be moving in the middle of DSs A levels.

Finally, not read all of your posts yet but, as the single mother of a child who can't have overnights with his father, I was quite offended by your comments on the mother "only" working 16h a week. Granted, my son is disabled with through the night, complex care needs and I have no family / friends who can meet these care needs, meaning I'm on duty 24 hours a day, except for the 6h he sees his dad (and that's dwindled from weekly, to 42 weeks out of 52). I can absolutely see why she would find working difficult. She doesn't have another adult to help. My final year of uni (10 hours of lectures and 15 hours of study per week) and PGCE (6 hours of lectures, 7 hours of teaching and 12 hours of planning / study per week) nearly killed me. Her not working was the smart thing to do, since you won't have to help as much with funding her daughter's uni experience. Maybe you could lay off her a bit? At the very least, your comments don't reflect very well on you.

So we’ve had a whole thread about maintenance loans and dc want the local university? They are not actually going anywhere then?

I would advise, you, DH and DS to research Apprenticeships/Companies in your DS' chosen career. With many companies, apprenticeships, that they run and sponsor, leads to degrees which in turn will be funded by the company. So no costs to your family and your DS pursuing his career with no loan debts outstanding.
I would seriously consider that. The Company that I worked for offers that career path.

They will manage the same way many students do. Apply for maximum grants, get jobs, enquire about additional bursary,

Won’t the DSD get the full maintenance loan on account of her mother’s household income?

@Chattytwin Er yes! This has been said repeatedly. If she stays with mum!

So if she gets the full maintenance loan why will she need extra, the DS will potentially have his maintanence loan reduced by 5k a year due to household income so he should be the priority? Although personally think the whole everyone should go to uni is an awful money making scam at the expense of parents and our young people

@ChattytwinThe op didn’t seem to understand how university loans worked! Her DS comes from a higher income home so will be assessed on that. They now might want the local uni anyway!

What happens if the dd does want to go local and therefore live with OP? I assume she is then assessed on the OP’s household.

No it’s usually assessed on the household where they’ve most recently been mainly resident

But if they live with the OP for three years whilst at university then when they apply for second year finance they would be assessed a living with OP.

Yes if he wants the local uni he might be fine on the reduced loan without a parental contribution (except of course living rent free of course) The system is grossly unfair including step parents income, is very unfair full stop as many parents considered higher income can’t afford to top up the loan. Years ago I had to drop out of uni as lived with my partner and wasn’t able to afford to go back to uni until became a single parent and then eligible for all the extras like childcare etc. One of my young fellow students went through a lot of stress due to the reduced loan and parents being unable to top up

Yes maybe if they go and live with the OP but surely they could get by on the reduced loan if no rent to pay so shouldn’t need parents also topping them up as OP and their DF saving them a fortune already

They can't live with OP. They don't have the room for both of them. They need to up size as the OP said herself. The OP hasn't been back on and this is two years away for the stepdaughter - I think this is pretty much a pointless discussion at this point

@Chattytwin As far as I’m aware it’s household income. This means many single parents who work part time don’t make any contribution and dc can get full loans and possibly a bursary. They can be better off than a student from a two income household with much higher bills and 3 dc! The “just about managing” are the parents/households with the biggest problems in topping up loans and they aren’t rich. Contributions can be an issue if parents haven’t saved.

Yes absolutely, as a single parent I was far better off than her and didn’t worry about paying my rent, neither did the other students eligible for the full loan due to low parental income. I think the government are totally oblivious to the many just about managing families who would be better off on benefits due to the system taxing (and means testing them re uni loans, child benefit, free school meals etc) as if they didn’t have any other commitments tied to their income i.e child maintenance payments plus additional housing etc costs of shared care, their own student/postgraduate loans, commuting costs etc

is your DSD able to work whilst she does her degree? Some courses are too full on to allow that, but most are not. Then she and your DS can perhaps anticipate going to Uni and having to work part time, to keep things fair.