Cost of stepdaughter going to uni will stop my son being able to do the same

[Exhaustedbird1]

Just after some views on this please as not sure where to stand my ground and how to make this fair.

For context so no drip feed : Married, have one DS and one DSD. DSD is one year older than DS.
DSD came into my life 5 years ago, I dont have any involvement in raising her (DH has her weekends at his PIL house as we have a tiny house and no space apart from a sofa bed (my house when we met and we cant buy bigger as DH still paying for his exW house until DSD turns 18, live an 1.5 hours away so she gets bored at ours and can't see friends / do hobbies over the weekends if she was at ours so it just works best).

DSD has her heart set on going to uni - I fully support her in her decision as I want her to live her life and follow her dreams. DSD mum says she can't afford to assist with funding DSD at uni (she is low income through choice, works 16 hours a week to get full benefits (those who'll comment how do you know; she proudly told me and said she couldnt imagine having work full time like I do) as DH still pays for half the house and some of the bills under the divorce agreement until DSD turns 18). Our joint income whilst not huge means that me and my DH are likely to have to fund quite a lot of her uni costs. I dont begrudge her this as I love her and want her to succeed in life but here's the kicker....
My son also has his heart set on uni and is a smart kid and needs a degree for what he wants to do in a career. By myself and my DH funding my DSD through uni means there's no way we can afford for my son to go.
To not drip feed, my DS's dad died when he was very young so no financial input from that direction.
My DSD will go to uni, her heart is set and both her parents and I want her to go but where does this leave my DS? I cant save up enough to cover his costs from my income and it just seems so unfair his life choices will be limited by me funding a child who is not biologically mine. I want the best for them both.
How do I make this fair?

Not through choice, through necessity. My house is too small to house two adults and two teenagers. It was all I could afford when I was a single parent and DSD has to have the sofa bed in the lounge when she comes to stay. Not ideal for her as she doesnt have her own space. Plus she can't do her usual weekend stuff with friends / hobbies if she was with us every weekend which she would hate.
We go up to my PIL some weekends but not all of them. If we had the space and lived closer she'd be with us every weekend.

OP you HAVE to treat DSD and DS the same as regards uni. No question, otherwise there will be lifelong repercussions for you and your DH. Student loans are there for a reason.

This. I don’t understand the dilemma. There is also no way on god’s earth would I fund a step child to the detriment of my own child- guess I’m just not as nice a person as the OP.

Your Dh supports his dd and you support your ds. The money should come from personal rather than joint money as you don’t share any biological children.

But loans and working! My dad never paid a penny towards my uni costs (he refused just like he refused to pay court ordered maintenance for all the years before that 🤷🏻‍♀️). MIL never paid anything for Dh or BIL. We both got loans and we worked. I worked FT for a couple years while doing uni PT. Didn’t impact either of our prospects, I went on to do an MSc and a PhD, Dh and I both successful well-earning careers.

Does your husband contribute anything to your son and the home he shares with you and your son?

OP - look at student finances. Your DS’s loans will be based on his household income that includes your DH. What would he get?

Then look again if it was just yours.

would uni be possible for him if he didn’t have a step dad? If you didn’t need to a bigger house, if loans were based just off your income? Then a strong conversion needs to be had with your dh. If you are better off single, then I’d end the relationship until both dcs are out of uni. Buying a bigger house to be able to offer a room to his DD just at the point she leaves home and no longer needs it is madness,

1. You work out what you can your husband can afford and you slit it between the two children (either 50:50 or another proprotion depending on what you think is fair).
2. You don't contribute to DSD at all. Your husband works out what he can afford and splits it 50:50 between his two kids. You top up your DS as much as you want. It is up to the wife to top up the rest.
3. You look at the arrangements regarding your husband living in your house. Is he contributing half of all bills? Is he paying towards a mortgage or paying a rental sum like a lodger might? If not, he needs to do this before he works out how much he can pay towards university.

If op is in England and her and her partner on £65000 plus between them then DS can only get a maintenance loan of £4900. No grant. His parents are expected to top up him to max loan at a cost of just under £6000 a year. Rent is often £7000 or £8000 so if parents don’t pay required top up realistically many students can’t survive especially as pt work is hard to come by or sporadic 0 hours.
DSD - if her mum is on less that £25,000 can get a loan for full amount no parental top up requirement.
Even though they are 18 yr old adults amount they can borrow depends on income of household they live in.

Unfathomable to me… the thought of moving in with someone who lives in a property too small to accommodate my child. But your dh did just that.

I am sorry as I’m sure this must be obvious but you each have a child and one lives with you and one lives with her mother? So neither are shared children.

So wouldn’t you each support your own child as best you can? Or the most fair thing is that your stepdaughter get the full loan and you ensure your son has the same level of help - though of course he’ll be better off with a lower amount of money to repay. But you can make it 100% fair anyway.

Apologies - I thought your son was also your husband's son. If he isn't. That means you need to separate your finances, get a fair contribution from your husband for the cost of the house and then leave him to fund his daughter, while you fund your son.

@mindutopia- the problem the amount the OPs DS can borrow will be based on the joint income of his household, it would presume the stepdad supports him, not just his mother. children are often better off with a single parent than a step parent.

No, youre not understanding my post. This is EXACTLY what I dont want happening hence asking for advice.

For the pp who asked how I would have managed to send my DS before I was married, I would also have been low enough income for him to get most of a full grant. Now with a combined income we wont.
Now I'll wait for the comments to tell me to get divorced so my son can go to uni 🙄 I care about both kids but it has to be fair.

DSD’s mum should be the lone parent regarding funding. My ex owns half our house but that is irrelevant as he doesn’t live here. Both my sons went to uni with full loans as I am on minimum wage. There’s no reason your DH should be involved in the financing.

So when does she turn 18, aside from her working and any subsidies she ll get, your DH will be able to give what he is currently paying on the mortgage won't he? Or the house will be sold and and there will be money from that....... What exactly is the plan for when she turns 18?!
I would not be subsidising DH or his child to the detriment of my own child no way. I'd continue paying my own mortgage, share of utilities and for my own child and save for him, DH is responsible for himself and his child

It’s really hard isn’t it. Dd gets minimum loan and her rent is 11k. We pay her rent, and she burned through her student loan installment so quick last term we had to give her £100 a week on top as she ran out of money after 6 weeks.

part time jobs are like rocking horse shit.

OP, can they defer for a year and work and save some money?

I don’t understand why you’re planning to move to a bigger house when both children will be away at uni?

Because that was what they agreed in the divorce settlement. The house is in both their names. He gets 50% when its sold. We cant force her to work more hours if she doesnt want to!

Oh you missed it, yes someone has suggested you split up!!!

Many posters on these threads seem to struggle with understanding that life is grey, not black and white. And not perfect.

There are student loans and holiday jobs. There is no need for you to support either child through uni. It would be nice if you helped as much as you can, and that help might be equal if DSD's mother can't/won't contribute at all, but that will be between you and your DH to decide. Each of them get so much a term, whatever you can afford.

We are about to face this and I have no idea how much is reasonable to expect an undergraduate to live off. I need to get my head around it, but don't know where to start.

Student finance is based on household income. If op has moved her partner in then her son’s loan will be based on her and her partner’s income even if he doesn’t contribute to the boy now.
Likewise he could be a generous dad to his daughter but if she’s living with low earning mum she gets full loan, if he chooses to give her extra he can but it doesn’t take away her entitlement to full loan.
All those saying my parents never contributed. If your household income is £65,000 plus you are expected to contribute just under £6000 a year in England just to bring them up to level of low income household students. Lots of parents are shocked to realise the levels of contribution required especially if they don’t consider themselves high earners or have lots of outgoings or multiple kids at uni.

My did has just finished uni on full uni loan (i am a single parent and carer for her disabled sister). The fall loan was plenty, so much so that she has a couple thousand left after she finished. I would get her shopping if I visited or pay for a meal out but other than that she survived on her loan.

Neither does her mother who prefers to scam the rest of us!

Thanks @BaubleMeTree thats super helpful