Cost of stepdaughter going to uni will stop my son being able to do the same

[Exhaustedbird1]

Just after some views on this please as not sure where to stand my ground and how to make this fair.

For context so no drip feed : Married, have one DS and one DSD. DSD is one year older than DS.
DSD came into my life 5 years ago, I dont have any involvement in raising her (DH has her weekends at his PIL house as we have a tiny house and no space apart from a sofa bed (my house when we met and we cant buy bigger as DH still paying for his exW house until DSD turns 18, live an 1.5 hours away so she gets bored at ours and can't see friends / do hobbies over the weekends if she was at ours so it just works best).

DSD has her heart set on going to uni - I fully support her in her decision as I want her to live her life and follow her dreams. DSD mum says she can't afford to assist with funding DSD at uni (she is low income through choice, works 16 hours a week to get full benefits (those who'll comment how do you know; she proudly told me and said she couldnt imagine having work full time like I do) as DH still pays for half the house and some of the bills under the divorce agreement until DSD turns 18). Our joint income whilst not huge means that me and my DH are likely to have to fund quite a lot of her uni costs. I dont begrudge her this as I love her and want her to succeed in life but here's the kicker....
My son also has his heart set on uni and is a smart kid and needs a degree for what he wants to do in a career. By myself and my DH funding my DSD through uni means there's no way we can afford for my son to go.
To not drip feed, my DS's dad died when he was very young so no financial input from that direction.
My DSD will go to uni, her heart is set and both her parents and I want her to go but where does this leave my DS? I cant save up enough to cover his costs from my income and it just seems so unfair his life choices will be limited by me funding a child who is not biologically mine. I want the best for them both.
How do I make this fair?

I don't think I understand this.

Your SDs loan will be based off her household income ( her mum's a low earner) so may receive a decent amount of loans. Any additional top up is by her parents.

Your son's loan will be based of his household income which unfortunately for him, will include your income and your husbands. It sounds like your son's loans will be lower and it's your responsibility to top up what he needs.

I can't see how any of this relates to your SD?

Bullshit. His DD going to Uni does not mean your DS can't go. What was your plan for DS and uni before you married?

Ultimately you are saying that you as a couple will support DSD at Uni but not your DS and that stinks. Your DS can still go to Uni he will just know that his own DM chose to support someone else and have to fund everything himself, which will limit his choices. You will reap what you sow there, so think VERY carefully.

That sounds really bizarre that your h is paying for his ex’s house and bills while she works 16 hours a week - how does that work??

But you fund each child the same. Otherwise it’s totally unfair. They will both have to apply for loans.

This, I don't think your household income will come into it as she has no association with your address. Are you talking about top up spending money? What do you anticipate paying in this as don't see how you or your son are affected?

Where are you based as student finance varies. If she’s in England and lives with mum her loan will be based on mum’s income. It sounds likely she’ll get full maintenance loan (mum earns under £25,000) Some unis will also give extra bursaries and scholarships to maximum loan recipients. If she’s chooses sensibly she’ll be absolutely fine. It’s students on min loan where parents haven’t realised and can’t afford the required top up £6000 a year that can struggle.

Dsd's student funding will be determined by her mum's household income (since she lives primarily with her mum). She will get the maximum. Let's say that's £100 (am simplifying here because I don't know the actual figures). Your son's student funding will be determined by his household income (which is yours and dh's). So let's say he gets £80.

Now, let's say both children actually need £110 to be comfortable. You can top dsd up with £10, and ds with £30. Except dsd's mum should be helping out to top dsd up.

On no account should ds miss out on uni if his sister goes.

Definately support both of them in the same way. Absolutley not OK to fund one and not the other. Not fair.

Scroll down the page on this to see what your DSD will get as registered at her Mum's address with her Mum's income. This will also show you how much maintenance loan your son will get based on the household income of you and your husband, his step Dad.

Both your income and your Dh's income have absolutely no bearing on DSD's maintenance loan amount. It is her Mum's household income.

https://www.savethestudent.org/student-finance/maintenance-loans.html#eligible

Thanks. Wasn't aware of this as i was under the impression it's calculated on both households. In any event, my DH would want to make up any difference which means it effectively comes out of our joint household income.

I have never really understood the funding thing from parents, you're an adult, if you dont have enough money to live then you'll need to get a job while studying as I did and countless others. The loan may or may not pay full costs of accommodation so she might need to work part time to top up and so might your son

My DS probably not, as mine and my DH income will be counted for means testing on my DS grant

Your being ridiculous you help your son or don't he'll still go but if you give your money to dsd over ds that's on you so just don't. Both can go with it without help.

Your husband should not make up the difference if it means your Son cannot got to Uni.
Do you own the house?
Your Son should go to Uni even if that means you and your husband separating and having separate finances.

Does your husband contribute at all to your son? With whom he lives with.

Your son lives with you so his loan is based on your and your partner’s income as he lives with you. If DS only gets min loan then yes you will need to top him up to level of max loan.
Treating kids fairly doesn’t mean the same.
Assuming you are English if you give them same £6000 each she would have £17,000 a year - way above maximum loan and your son would have £11,000 just maximum loan. If she chooses Glasgow for example she’d get £3000 a year scholarship as a RUK student on max loan so have a whopping £20,000 net to live on. He’d have £11,000.
Yes her overall borrowing will be bigger but look at money saving expert for how repayment works, she won’t pay back more monthly unless she earns more than DS.
Same with any contextual offers. Her offers are based on her mums address, your ds on yours - they could apply for same course at same uni and be given different grades.

Maybe DSD can get a job and fund herself?

Unless Mum in well paid pt role (earns over £25,000) there won’t be anything to make up by her dad as she’s in position to get maximum loan.
Wiwikau facebook group is good for student finance questions.

I'm confused by this - both DC should be able to get grants, loans, maintenance and part time jobs to fund their university courses. What are you expecting to pay towards it?!!

Edit - What's the mums approx income, your income and DH's income? It doesn't sound like your on loads so both kids should be able to get loans.

If you decide to give them extra, this should be equal between each kid

No, we need to buy a bigger house once he can sell his so we can house both children easily when they want to be with us (DS will still be living at home when DSD goes to uni). We cannot do that at the moment for more than the odd weekend as not enough space (very small two up two down house at the moment)

If she gets full loan then she should be able to cope. Most of the parents funding kids at uni are because they get minimum loan. She can also work term time and in holidays.

I’d recommend money saving expert and going to any talks at school. Referring to grant I wonder if you are wales or NI as there haven’t been grants in England for years. If you clarify which country people can give specific advice.

how old is your dsd?

After having zero relationship with you and your son, you think she’s going to want to start staying regularly at the house once she’s a young adult

Dsd will get maximum loan because she lives with her mum, who's income is very low.
Dh doesn't pay towards his exes house once dsd is 18. That frees up £100's per month. Some of which can go directly to dsd.
Your ds will get a lower maintenance loan due to both your incomes being taken into account. So your ds actually needs more parental financial support for uni than dsd does.

Sounds like you and dh need to work out the finances properly.
No dsd going to uni doesn't mean your ds can't. Either they both go, with the appropriate parental support financially or neither of them do. I'm not sure why you'd accept less than that for your child.

She lives with her mum so funding will be based on her income, her mum will need to work more (not only to fund uni, but also pay her mortgage once your husband stops paying it) and your SD may have to take a year out to save up to help fund it.

Do you and your husband earn similar? Surely you both split bills equally and fund your own child? Your son may have to have a year out working and saving too. You certainly can't help send one and not the other though.

There is no difference as she will be on full loan. Many of her fellow students will be on less, like your DS as it’s household income so will take into account your partners income (but his daughters will not take into account his income). Sounds like she is almost 18 so finances for him will improve soon anyway