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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Cost of stepdaughter going to uni will stop my son being able to do the same

534 replies

Exhaustedbird1 · 21/12/2025 14:01

Just after some views on this please as not sure where to stand my ground and how to make this fair.

For context so no drip feed : Married, have one DS and one DSD. DSD is one year older than DS.
DSD came into my life 5 years ago, I dont have any involvement in raising her (DH has her weekends at his PIL house as we have a tiny house and no space apart from a sofa bed (my house when we met and we cant buy bigger as DH still paying for his exW house until DSD turns 18, live an 1.5 hours away so she gets bored at ours and can't see friends / do hobbies over the weekends if she was at ours so it just works best).

DSD has her heart set on going to uni - I fully support her in her decision as I want her to live her life and follow her dreams. DSD mum says she can't afford to assist with funding DSD at uni (she is low income through choice, works 16 hours a week to get full benefits (those who'll comment how do you know; she proudly told me and said she couldnt imagine having work full time like I do) as DH still pays for half the house and some of the bills under the divorce agreement until DSD turns 18). Our joint income whilst not huge means that me and my DH are likely to have to fund quite a lot of her uni costs. I dont begrudge her this as I love her and want her to succeed in life but here's the kicker....
My son also has his heart set on uni and is a smart kid and needs a degree for what he wants to do in a career. By myself and my DH funding my DSD through uni means there's no way we can afford for my son to go.
To not drip feed, my DS's dad died when he was very young so no financial input from that direction.
My DSD will go to uni, her heart is set and both her parents and I want her to go but where does this leave my DS? I cant save up enough to cover his costs from my income and it just seems so unfair his life choices will be limited by me funding a child who is not biologically mine. I want the best for them both.
How do I make this fair?

OP posts:
BringBackCatsEyes · 21/12/2025 14:58

Exhaustedbird1 · 21/12/2025 14:39

Because that was what they agreed in the divorce settlement. The house is in both their names. He gets 50% when its sold. We cant force her to work more hours if she doesnt want to!

It seems like he was ill advised by his solicitor. Many parents are expected to work more hours following divorce in order to become more financially independent. "I don't want to" doesn't cut it in the Family Court.

NearlyXmasy · 21/12/2025 14:58

As you point out it would not be fair to put one child through university and not the other. So you make that happen. It comes above getting a new house.
So Dsd gets full loan as she lives with someone on low income and can work in the summers to top that up. You top your ds up to the same level and he also works to make up any shortfall.
When the house sells you keep that money to one side to top ds up or for emergencies. Once both are educated you look again at the housing situation.

Localfriend · 21/12/2025 14:59

All so messy.

I suppose he’s arguing that he’s contributed towards your DS over the years?

either way - he KNEW when he moved in with his girlfriend that it rules out his child ever staying with him, and for that reason alone - I wouldn’t have been seen for dust in your shoes.

Figcherry · 21/12/2025 14:59

Is your joint income subsidising your dh’s mortgage?
I would be squirrelling money away for my own child and would stay in the small house until both dc are finished at uni.
It’s just 6 years.

Shedeboodinia · 21/12/2025 14:59

Egglio · 21/12/2025 14:56

I do understand your post. You decided to marry your DH and move him in to your too small house to the detriment of what sounds like both your respective children. I'm not going to tell you to divorce him, but you are trying to shut the door after the horse has bolted. You could have just continued your relationship and not married and lived together.

I agree. Tbh I would probably divorce my dh in this situation.

Shittyyear2025 · 21/12/2025 14:59

Exhaustedbird1 · 21/12/2025 14:52

If we can't afford a bigger house because he still has to pay for the one he had when married there is no choice. He can't get a second mortgage until he sells his house once DSD reaches 18 (2 years time)

Did he officially sort his finances after his divorce op? With a court order?

Unless his salary is over £100k courts MUCH prefer clean break orders, with assets split, houses sold and both parties expected to fund their own lifestyles by working full time.
It sounds like he has an unofficial arrangement (and having subsequently remarried cannot now force a financial order) - he's still paying for half a property he doesn't live in, and some of the bills (nope, can't see a court approving or that), meaning he's unable to get his own mortgage etc.

As it stands, dsd loans will be based on her mum's situation so maximum amount. Your ds will be based on your household income so likely you will be expected to top him up if loans not at max. If you want to top up dsd that's up to you but she should also be expected to work part time to support herself.

Thundertoast · 21/12/2025 15:00

Im really hoping you've changed some details and its come out a bit odd, because I still dont understand this, why would he move in with you knowing he couldnt house his daughter? Surely he would have said, it needs to wait until we can afford a house we can all live in together? While he worked on changing jobs etc to afford it?

soupyspoon · 21/12/2025 15:00

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 21/12/2025 14:51

You fund your child, not another woman's child. It's that simple.

Same goes for him then surely? He funds his child and not another mans child

Except that leaves people accusing him of being unfair.

blueshoes · 21/12/2025 15:00

My house is too small to house two adults and two teenagers. It was all I could afford when I was a single parent and DSD has to have the sofa bed in the lounge when she comes to stay.

So your DH moved into the house you bought before you married him. Is he contributing towards the mortgage or the utilities?

This goes towards how much are you already subsidising the other household even before uni fees come into the picture. All that should be considered in the round.

Your ds must be funded one way or another. I'd sooner divorce than put ds' career and future at risk.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 21/12/2025 15:00

There hasn't been a 16 hour limit since tax credits were withdrawn.

She's expected to work 35 hours a week with a child over 12.

LindtCurves · 21/12/2025 15:01

Hugs. However, both can easily go to uni.

Going to uni doesn't have to be as expensive as people make it out to be.

Although I'm not from a poor background, I didn't have the sort of relationship with my parents during my uni years where they would have funded me. (They wanted me to do a particular career and I chose another) So I self-funded and also knew other kids that self-funded, and lived on a true shoestring. I often had next to nothing in my bank during uni years, but it was actually an excellent experience and I feel like I got more out of it in terms of prep for life than many of my peers who were funded.

I also walked into a great job straight after uni as I banked a lot of relevant expereicne duirng my uni years, which kids that age usually don't have.

Key points:

  • As you know, tuiton is not something you pay up front
  • Take out the max student loan/ grant/ other available money. The child can think of this as their entire budget and assume there's nothing coming on top
  • The budgets that unis say you should have per month? Yeah, ignore those. Those are luxury budgets for the 'full bells and whistles'. Unis, after all, are commercial institutions making money off the students

Main ways to save:

  • Location. Firstly, are there any unis where the child can live at home and commute? If so and they are willing, big savings. If not, look for a place with low cost of living. Midlands, North West, some parts of Scotland. Ideally avoid London (although in certain fields it can provide amazing opportunities, so depends), South East or also smaller cities where there's not much employment, e.g. Bournemouth, Exeter, etc. There are several top 10 unis in lower cost areas
  • Remember, uni is effectively only 20 weeks a year. This means that signing up to 12-month accommodation rarely makes sense. Depending on the course, you may not even need to be there 5 days a week
  • Halls are much more expensive than house shares, although heavily marketed. If you must live in situ, skip halls and go for a house share year 1. You will definitely still meet plenty of people, and people who are more aligned to you, not just the ones you end up in halls with. Look for a location that's walkable to lectures to avoid transport costs
  • Clubs, societies, nights out with big budgets - absolutely not essential. They are marketed as an essential but they aren't.
  • Frequent meals out? Also not an essential, they are a luxury. Students can cook at home
  • Books - no you don't need to buy them new. There's the library
  • Clothes - presumably your kids own plenty. They don't need to regularly buy new clothes
  • Car - some students have cheap cars. Insurance is a killer at a young age. You usually can't drive or park on campus. There's no need. For travel home, advance train tickets are the way to go.

How to make the budget come together:

  • Uni is 20 weeks a year, Mon-Fri, sometimes not even that. Remember that. There's lots of free time to monetise
  • Take a gap year. But use it to work and save more money. Full-time basic job, live at home, save 20K. Bank it, don't spend any of it. Make it earn interest as well. This is the uni budget
  • There are many degrees where you do a PAID year in industry after 2 years. if possible, choose these degrees. To be honest, these are the only ones that actually lead to jobs these days
  • There are various part time jobs and side hustles available, I did bar work, worked for the uni itself, some online work for The Times... Every little helps. Most people I knew did the same
  • Summer work. He can get started this coming summer. He can easily earn 6-10K through part-time work during the time he still has left til uni
  • Work throughout the year. A friend's family have no money, twin daughters at uni. Both girls work 2 days a week, about 24h per week, living wage jobs (think Amazon, but there will likely be similar jobs in your area if you look out for them, 'immediate start, no training needed' type of jobs on Indeed). They also work these jobs full-time outside of term-time. They make 12-15K a year each and are fully self-funded

Uni isn't that hard. Mostly, it's a social thing, especially year one. If you want to attend to actually have a degree, not just to have fun, you can do it on a completely different budget as to what people are talking about

If the child really wants to go and needs the qualification for their future career, you can always find a way.

If you want a better deal, look at foreign unis, for example Swedish, Swiss, many others. There are global leading unis in those countries and they often pay the child to attend, so additional cost is lower.

Also, your child doesn't have to go at 18. Many top executives say kids going to uni later, at 20-21, is a better choice, as they have a better idea what they want

Disclaimer: I did a degree in a 'difficult' subject, got a 1st, from a top 10 uni, while working full-time throughout, with annual leave used for exams etc. It can be done.

VanillaIceIceBaby · 21/12/2025 15:01

Exhaustedbird1 · 21/12/2025 14:18

Thanks. Wasn't aware of this as i was under the impression it's calculated on both households. In any event, my DH would want to make up any difference which means it effectively comes out of our joint household income.

But there won’t be a difference to make up.

BobblyBobbleHat · 21/12/2025 15:01

You just divide what you can afford by both children and they will have to work to fund the rest. It's what many have to do to go to uni. With the loans on top it should be doable if they are careful.

Exhaustedbird1 · 21/12/2025 15:02

MrsKateColumbo · 21/12/2025 14:50

So the issue seems to be not DSD as she will get full funding, but DS will get a lower loan because of DH's income but DH wont contribute the necessary amount? Have you asked him to make up the difference he has caused?

I know he would give what he could as hes always been willing to pay for both our children. Its just that its unlikely our finances will be enough for two to go to uni. I also do not want to support my DSD to the detriment of my son but I also dont want to see her lose out either.

OP posts:
dcadmamagain · 21/12/2025 15:04

I suggest you do it fairly. See what dad gets as maintenance loan see what your son gets - work out how much you and your husband have to find both of them then split betwen the 2 so tgst in total student loan plus money from you is equal.
i woukd also suggest you start managing both their expectations - uni rooms vary greatly in cost if they want more than basic they need to start part time work now to fund this.

Dweetfidilove · 21/12/2025 15:06

I cannot get my head around how people end up in these situations.
Once you've had children, I expect you give extra consideration to how a new relationship affects your children and their prospects. And you avoid situations that are detrimental to them.

Unless someone takes me hostage, I cannot tether myself to a man whose lifestyle and choices I have to subsidise, at the expense of my children's.
How can you facilitate the sending of someone else's child to uni at the expense of your own? How can you know this is a possibility, but carry on regardless?

Why are you planning on a bigger property to facilitate his daughter, but think you're unable to help your son through school?

What kind of potion are people consuming that at their big big ages, they're still so desperate or fall so hopelessly in love that they lose all common sense?

Exhaustedbird1 · 21/12/2025 15:06

Toomanyweekstogo · 21/12/2025 14:55

She is going to get quite the shock when her daughter is an adult and maintenance, paying for the house and child benefit stops.

Me and my DH are fully aware of this. I dont think she is aware though or cares to think about it. There will be begging emails asking for money, wanting to keep the house and the current deal etc when its time to sell up. Its been a theme throughout 🙄

OP posts:
soupyspoon · 21/12/2025 15:07

BringBackCatsEyes · 21/12/2025 14:58

It seems like he was ill advised by his solicitor. Many parents are expected to work more hours following divorce in order to become more financially independent. "I don't want to" doesn't cut it in the Family Court.

His solicitor could have made the most robust argment possible, doesnt mean the court will go along with it, that was the settlement made. And perhaps its fair, perhaps he wanted to enable his ex wife to be able to work part time and manage the hours to the benefit of their daughter, whats wrong with that

UnemployedNotRetired · 21/12/2025 15:10

Exhaustedbird1 · 21/12/2025 15:06

Me and my DH are fully aware of this. I dont think she is aware though or cares to think about it. There will be begging emails asking for money, wanting to keep the house and the current deal etc when its time to sell up. Its been a theme throughout 🙄

Yes I'd be prepared for some "issues" in trying to sell the house in a couple of years ...

soupyspoon · 21/12/2025 15:10

LindtCurves · 21/12/2025 15:01

Hugs. However, both can easily go to uni.

Going to uni doesn't have to be as expensive as people make it out to be.

Although I'm not from a poor background, I didn't have the sort of relationship with my parents during my uni years where they would have funded me. (They wanted me to do a particular career and I chose another) So I self-funded and also knew other kids that self-funded, and lived on a true shoestring. I often had next to nothing in my bank during uni years, but it was actually an excellent experience and I feel like I got more out of it in terms of prep for life than many of my peers who were funded.

I also walked into a great job straight after uni as I banked a lot of relevant expereicne duirng my uni years, which kids that age usually don't have.

Key points:

  • As you know, tuiton is not something you pay up front
  • Take out the max student loan/ grant/ other available money. The child can think of this as their entire budget and assume there's nothing coming on top
  • The budgets that unis say you should have per month? Yeah, ignore those. Those are luxury budgets for the 'full bells and whistles'. Unis, after all, are commercial institutions making money off the students

Main ways to save:

  • Location. Firstly, are there any unis where the child can live at home and commute? If so and they are willing, big savings. If not, look for a place with low cost of living. Midlands, North West, some parts of Scotland. Ideally avoid London (although in certain fields it can provide amazing opportunities, so depends), South East or also smaller cities where there's not much employment, e.g. Bournemouth, Exeter, etc. There are several top 10 unis in lower cost areas
  • Remember, uni is effectively only 20 weeks a year. This means that signing up to 12-month accommodation rarely makes sense. Depending on the course, you may not even need to be there 5 days a week
  • Halls are much more expensive than house shares, although heavily marketed. If you must live in situ, skip halls and go for a house share year 1. You will definitely still meet plenty of people, and people who are more aligned to you, not just the ones you end up in halls with. Look for a location that's walkable to lectures to avoid transport costs
  • Clubs, societies, nights out with big budgets - absolutely not essential. They are marketed as an essential but they aren't.
  • Frequent meals out? Also not an essential, they are a luxury. Students can cook at home
  • Books - no you don't need to buy them new. There's the library
  • Clothes - presumably your kids own plenty. They don't need to regularly buy new clothes
  • Car - some students have cheap cars. Insurance is a killer at a young age. You usually can't drive or park on campus. There's no need. For travel home, advance train tickets are the way to go.

How to make the budget come together:

  • Uni is 20 weeks a year, Mon-Fri, sometimes not even that. Remember that. There's lots of free time to monetise
  • Take a gap year. But use it to work and save more money. Full-time basic job, live at home, save 20K. Bank it, don't spend any of it. Make it earn interest as well. This is the uni budget
  • There are many degrees where you do a PAID year in industry after 2 years. if possible, choose these degrees. To be honest, these are the only ones that actually lead to jobs these days
  • There are various part time jobs and side hustles available, I did bar work, worked for the uni itself, some online work for The Times... Every little helps. Most people I knew did the same
  • Summer work. He can get started this coming summer. He can easily earn 6-10K through part-time work during the time he still has left til uni
  • Work throughout the year. A friend's family have no money, twin daughters at uni. Both girls work 2 days a week, about 24h per week, living wage jobs (think Amazon, but there will likely be similar jobs in your area if you look out for them, 'immediate start, no training needed' type of jobs on Indeed). They also work these jobs full-time outside of term-time. They make 12-15K a year each and are fully self-funded

Uni isn't that hard. Mostly, it's a social thing, especially year one. If you want to attend to actually have a degree, not just to have fun, you can do it on a completely different budget as to what people are talking about

If the child really wants to go and needs the qualification for their future career, you can always find a way.

If you want a better deal, look at foreign unis, for example Swedish, Swiss, many others. There are global leading unis in those countries and they often pay the child to attend, so additional cost is lower.

Also, your child doesn't have to go at 18. Many top executives say kids going to uni later, at 20-21, is a better choice, as they have a better idea what they want

Disclaimer: I did a degree in a 'difficult' subject, got a 1st, from a top 10 uni, while working full-time throughout, with annual leave used for exams etc. It can be done.

This should be posted in every single whining thread about the cost of uni and parents paying a packet. It simply is not necessary.

Scout2016 · 21/12/2025 15:11

If I have this right, DDS will get funding but your DH will want to add to that.
If he does it means your DS, who won't get funding, can't go at to uni all.

Your DH will soon have extra money available because he won't be paying alf ex's mortgage anymore. You want that to go towards a bigger home instead so that's accounted for and you are back to square one, albeit in a bigger house and with DS unable to go to uni like he needs to for his career.

I would say, for the few weeks total a year either DSD or DS are realistically going to be home, you make do with the smaller house until the eldest has left uni And they both go to uni.

BringBackCatsEyes · 21/12/2025 15:12

soupyspoon · 21/12/2025 15:07

His solicitor could have made the most robust argment possible, doesnt mean the court will go along with it, that was the settlement made. And perhaps its fair, perhaps he wanted to enable his ex wife to be able to work part time and manage the hours to the benefit of their daughter, whats wrong with that

Ex wife working so few hours seems to have a negative impact on his new wife's (the OP) ability to support her own son through university.
It also seems he chose to live somewhere his DD could not stay. That's quite unusual.
It all seems quite a mess.

Exhaustedbird1 · 21/12/2025 15:12

Shittyyear2025 · 21/12/2025 14:59

Did he officially sort his finances after his divorce op? With a court order?

Unless his salary is over £100k courts MUCH prefer clean break orders, with assets split, houses sold and both parties expected to fund their own lifestyles by working full time.
It sounds like he has an unofficial arrangement (and having subsequently remarried cannot now force a financial order) - he's still paying for half a property he doesn't live in, and some of the bills (nope, can't see a court approving or that), meaning he's unable to get his own mortgage etc.

As it stands, dsd loans will be based on her mum's situation so maximum amount. Your ds will be based on your household income so likely you will be expected to top him up if loans not at max. If you want to top up dsd that's up to you but she should also be expected to work part time to support herself.

It was done on a financial order and the court did approve it.
It was negotiated on the basis she didn't come after his pension or savings. I didnt agree, solicitor thought it a lot and tried to convince him but he was too worried DS would suffer otherwise. ExW gives zero shits about stepping up or what is fair as long as her life didnt change. But thats not for here.

OP posts:
LindtCurves · 21/12/2025 15:12

bluestarthread · 21/12/2025 14:08

Both DS and DSD take a gap year and work to help cover the costs. My DD did this and is covering all her own living expenses- she will top up over the long summer holidays. We are still contributing some but not the bulk of it. Teaches great financial planning skills and real budgeting. If they want to go to University then they should appreciate their contribution and understand its value to them.

Looove this. Yes! It'll help her endlessly in future jobs as well.

Christmascaketime · 21/12/2025 15:13

You don’t seem to be taking into account the disparity in loan ds and dsd can borrow. She won’t be losing out. As a student from a low income house with a dad willing to give her money too she’ll be thousands a year better off than students living in households earning £65000 plus on minimum wage loan £4900.
Put your household income (you and partner) on gov website and then do separate example for her mums income and you’ll see what they can each borrow. Max loan is also a trigger to be able to get bursaries and scholarships too.
Absolutely no requirement for you to support dsd or give your income details. It will be based entirely on her mums income. Same for your partner - he could earn a million a year and she’d get maximum loan he isn’t involved in finance application at all. If he chooses to give her extra he can but she’ll be able to manage fine on what she can borrow.
Totally bemused by how many seem to think there are grants!

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