Cost of stepdaughter going to uni will stop my son being able to do the same

[Exhaustedbird1]

Just after some views on this please as not sure where to stand my ground and how to make this fair.

For context so no drip feed : Married, have one DS and one DSD. DSD is one year older than DS.
DSD came into my life 5 years ago, I dont have any involvement in raising her (DH has her weekends at his PIL house as we have a tiny house and no space apart from a sofa bed (my house when we met and we cant buy bigger as DH still paying for his exW house until DSD turns 18, live an 1.5 hours away so she gets bored at ours and can't see friends / do hobbies over the weekends if she was at ours so it just works best).

DSD has her heart set on going to uni - I fully support her in her decision as I want her to live her life and follow her dreams. DSD mum says she can't afford to assist with funding DSD at uni (she is low income through choice, works 16 hours a week to get full benefits (those who'll comment how do you know; she proudly told me and said she couldnt imagine having work full time like I do) as DH still pays for half the house and some of the bills under the divorce agreement until DSD turns 18). Our joint income whilst not huge means that me and my DH are likely to have to fund quite a lot of her uni costs. I dont begrudge her this as I love her and want her to succeed in life but here's the kicker....
My son also has his heart set on uni and is a smart kid and needs a degree for what he wants to do in a career. By myself and my DH funding my DSD through uni means there's no way we can afford for my son to go.
To not drip feed, my DS's dad died when he was very young so no financial input from that direction.
My DSD will go to uni, her heart is set and both her parents and I want her to go but where does this leave my DS? I cant save up enough to cover his costs from my income and it just seems so unfair his life choices will be limited by me funding a child who is not biologically mine. I want the best for them both.
How do I make this fair?

Well, this will have to wait as your son going to university is more important than buying a new house.

I would put an equal amount away each month for your son so they are funded equally.

As others have said she will likely get full student loan based on her mum's low income . CM will stop surely when she leaves education so you'll have all that extra income coming into your home ?

My son commutes (1hr) to a local uni, he lives with us and works PT to fund travel, socialising and holidays and hasn’t needed a maintenance loan yet.

Both your dc’s can go to uni, they just need to make decisions on where to go and how much they will need to work around uni based on the available finances.

You need to work out what each of them will get in loans - SD will get more, from the sounds of it. Where do they want to go? Can you steer them to cheaper cities?

Then work out how much you can collectively afford to pay (bear in mind DH won’t be paying maintenance), and split it in half.

You need to do this before SD starts uni, or your DH will be directing everything to SD and she’ll be used to that support.

If Op and her partner give both kids same monthly amount the girl has thousands more a year than the boy.
House shares are often more expensive than halls as it’s a 52 week contract v 40. @LindtCurves My DD’s yr 1 halls were only £6500.

Thank you so much, it actually means a lot. It may be harder for kids to be independent at a younger age, but I'm really grateful for the immense growth and strength it gave me. Young people are tougher than what we often give them credit for.

I suppose there are still bursaries for students from lower income families at some universities. That could be seen as a type of grant.
Presumably now she's been given the heads-up, OP can see the difference in the amounts of loan the respective DC would be awarded. Making sure they each have the same sort of money to live on is much fairer than giving them both the same amount. Anything extra they want, they can earn. It's hard when you have students overlapping, whether it's a blended family or not.

DSD will be 18 by the time she goes to university. DH needs to remind his ex that child support cannot go beyond that date and she will need to look to her finances herself. If he is on the mortgage for her property, will he carry on paying?

I don’t understand why if a young adult qualifies for the full loan based on a resident parents income would expect top up from you. Surely part of opting for post 18 higher education is about independence. In no way should one child's choices trump the other.

It doesn't sound that either of you really considered your DC when you decided to get married. He's funding his ex wife, you're scraping by and both your DC are having to compromise. As always these threads look to blame the money grabbing, workshy, ex wife while the poor hard done by new wife suffers.

If anything it is likely to be DSD who is disadvantaged by coming out of uni with a bigger loan to pay back. She will be awarded more to live on, but it’s not free money. I think the priority has to be getting them both through uni but making sure they both have similar debt at the end of it.

You don't need to fund your DSD, that is up to her parents. It should not come out of your joint income. You need to concentrate on your DS. If he gets less loan than her, well not much you can do about that, but you can keep your money for him. DS needs to be prepared to do a gap year, and get a job while at Uni to help cover his expenses. When he goes to Uni, you should not expect DH to pay towards it. Your DSD can also take a gap year and earn money.

My own DD won't get any support from XH, so it's down to me and she will lose part of her loan due to my income. I can't afford to make up the difference and give more on top, so she will have to try and find a job while at Uni. She also has savings that she could use while she is there.

DD understands that I can help pay towards food, but not towards a socal life. She currently doesn't drink anyway. She is going to Uni to get a degree, not to party for 3 years.

Totally agree

Selfish adults moved in with one another knowing it would utterly exclude one child

Exactly. OP just makes do with the current housing set up and prioritises her son’s education.

I’m not sure if this has been posted already but isn’t there going to be a change in financials once your DSD turns 18? So the maintenance your DH currently pays can then go to your DSD to supplement her maintenance loan.

And as per the financial order, the house he still owns with the ex wife goes on the market.

Assuming all of that, both DC can go to uni and have some financial support because he will no longer be paying the mortgage on the old house. Am I missing something?

Your DSD has two living parents, your son has ONE. It is the biological parents's responsibility to financially support their daughter until she finishes her education. The idea that your son should be disadvantaged because you are expected to pay for your step child's education is appalling and completely bonkers.

If your step daughter cannot manage on whatever grants, loans she receives, she will have to get a part-time job, or even better, her lazy, parasitic mother could get off her fat, freeloading arse and you know, get a full time job to support her own child whilst she is at university.

You contribute nothing to your step daughter. When your son goes to uni he gets loans.

Are you subsidising your husband’s life while he subsidises his ex wife’s life??

My DC get maximum grant/loan. We don't top up. We don't need to as they do have plenty to live on. But they aren't living the high life ( and don't want to really)
If DC wanted to be in 'spoons every night and join expensive clubs they'd be short. They have a summer job and go to a 'cheaper' university.

So there should be no need to give extra to DSD if choices/compromises made as she will be assessed on her mum's income . Your DS will be assessed on you and your DHs so you will either have to top up, or DS will need to defer and/or get a job to make up the difference.

I can forsee trouble though when house has to be sold etc.

The loans aren’t enough that’s the problem. The maintenance loans have nowhere near kept up with inflation/cost of living. It’s an absolute shit show which is making university education unaffordable for many.

the other thing OP, can either of them commute? What are the options like locally? I know it’s not ideal but it’s a massive help. Even if they both lived in halls just for year One and got that uni experience and then moved back home?

For those saying for OP to not contribute - there may not be a choice. In order to get a full
loan, income info from both house holds has to be submitted. On the upside , once OP’s son wants to go , the same process will apply and it may be that they have to contribute less to the SD once OP’s son also needs funds.

This
And you might be best to consider encouraging the DSD to get a job, get some savings put aside and also look for work when she settles at the university of her choice.
Why should your DS suffer the consequences of someone else’s choices

Why are you ignoring the fact that she’ll get a full maintenance loan of £11k and your dh won’t need to support her?

No it doesn’t. It’s the students main residence income - which is her mums - that is used. Her father’s income is irrelevant. So OP’s household income doesn’t need to be used for her dsd at all. Which as OP doesn’t seem to be acknowledging may not suit her narrative.

Surely DSD will turn 18 before uni, or in her first year.

At that point your DH won't be paying out to his ex. Won't that money make a difference to funding your son?