Cost of stepdaughter going to uni will stop my son being able to do the same

[Exhaustedbird1]

Just after some views on this please as not sure where to stand my ground and how to make this fair.

For context so no drip feed : Married, have one DS and one DSD. DSD is one year older than DS.
DSD came into my life 5 years ago, I dont have any involvement in raising her (DH has her weekends at his PIL house as we have a tiny house and no space apart from a sofa bed (my house when we met and we cant buy bigger as DH still paying for his exW house until DSD turns 18, live an 1.5 hours away so she gets bored at ours and can't see friends / do hobbies over the weekends if she was at ours so it just works best).

DSD has her heart set on going to uni - I fully support her in her decision as I want her to live her life and follow her dreams. DSD mum says she can't afford to assist with funding DSD at uni (she is low income through choice, works 16 hours a week to get full benefits (those who'll comment how do you know; she proudly told me and said she couldnt imagine having work full time like I do) as DH still pays for half the house and some of the bills under the divorce agreement until DSD turns 18). Our joint income whilst not huge means that me and my DH are likely to have to fund quite a lot of her uni costs. I dont begrudge her this as I love her and want her to succeed in life but here's the kicker....
My son also has his heart set on uni and is a smart kid and needs a degree for what he wants to do in a career. By myself and my DH funding my DSD through uni means there's no way we can afford for my son to go.
To not drip feed, my DS's dad died when he was very young so no financial input from that direction.
My DSD will go to uni, her heart is set and both her parents and I want her to go but where does this leave my DS? I cant save up enough to cover his costs from my income and it just seems so unfair his life choices will be limited by me funding a child who is not biologically mine. I want the best for them both.
How do I make this fair?

If she isnt ready to take responsibility for going somewhere with cheaper rent and making sure she budgets properly she needs to defer or just plain old wise up. Thats ridiculous. No wonder young adults are so infantilised these days

As per PP, it’s her mums income that counts.
My son went to uni and he got the full whack, as my income is very low. His Dad earns over £70k but was irrelevant as far as student loans are concerned

Parents paying rent and yp living off min loan is a common option. £4900 a year gives them just under £100 a week which is pretty generous. We pay her rent which is £8400 a year in a not particularly expensive city.

^This.

Why do you need somewhere bigger?

And it depends if one or both can live at home, that reduces costs a lot, but restricts which unis they can go to.

No fucking way would I be contributing to my step-DC going to uni if it meant throwing my own DC under a bus so he couldn't go. I would tell both DC 'This is what we can contribute to your uni fund' and it should be exactly the same amount of money. The rest will have to be made up of loans and them working. It's only fair. Are there any GPs that could/would contribute? If not, then they will both have to either make it work or not. But you cannot fund your DSD and not fund your DS. He'll never forgive you if you do that and I wouldn't blame him one bit.

Well no it shouldnt be the same should it because as someone set out before, it means the daughter will end up with more

It should be on the basis of them both having the same at the end, if thats what you meant

Surely you don't need to move to a bigger house to accommodate two young adults planning to go to uni? Scrap the plans to move to a bigger property and use that money to fund both kids through uni equally.

She'd be happy to now, the only reason she doesnt stay much Ive stated previously in replies to other posters. She has to sleep on a sofa bed in the lounge and wouldn't get to do stuff with friends at weekends. She likes being with us as well as at her mums house and has said as much to both us and her mum.

As others have said (have you acknowledged?) your dsd will get a full maintenance loan of £11k, more if she studies in London. Your dh surely don’t want or need to give her any more? He might need a conversation about her not applying for top of budget accommodation….

Very worrying that you might end up in a situation where your DS can't get any support for uni because you and your DH decided to support dsd and put money into housing instead of supporting them equally. Especially if, in another world where you stayed single, he would have been supported to go, through loans and not being the bigger house.
Please stand up for your DS.
Sounds like no one else is, and they are riding over your and his needs and expecting you to go along with that.
I would actually consider splitting household and finances over this rather than letting it go that way. Otherwise the repercussions for your DS and your relationship with him are pretty bad, and probably for a very long time.

Dh needs to live elsewhere if he wants to only support 1 dc of the family.

Your ds will get a grant.

So the issue seems to be not DSD as she will get full funding, but DS will get a lower loan because of DH's income but DH wont contribute the necessary amount? Have you asked him to make up the difference he has caused?

Grant?!!!!!! You’re having a laugh!

You fund your child, not another woman's child. It's that simple.

Do you and DH have completely shared finances?
I'd be looking to top both dc up to 12k a year (for example) regardless if that means DS get 9k form you and DSD gets 2k.
Anything else they need to earn.

No grants in England!

If we can't afford a bigger house because he still has to pay for the one he had when married there is no choice. He can't get a second mortgage until he sells his house once DSD reaches 18 (2 years time)

If the mother works 16 hours low income, DSD will get full loan, which is about £10k. Her dad can contribute a bit, she can also work and save up. For reference, my DD is at Bristol. Her accommodation has been about £8.5k a year. She gets £4.5k maintenance loan and £3k a year from her dad. I give her £100 a week to live on (about £3500 a year) and top up to pay her accommodation and pay for all her other bits like books, clubs, etc.

DS went to a uni in a city where accommodation was £6k a year so topping him up was a bit cheaper.

If you and DH are both working, given that she’ll get the full maintenance loan, that will more than cover accommodation and so she’ll just need a bit of a top up for living costs, which can come partly from you and partly from her working. The summer holidays are 3 months, which is plenty of time to save up quite a bit from a job.

If you are in the UK she needs to apply for a loan and financing and then get a PT job and your DH contributes what he can. Then your DS does the same. I don’t understand why you would even consider putting your money towards someone else’s child’s education above your own son. You just tell your DH that you are not in a position to fully finance his DD through uni. It’s not really that difficult a decision imo.

i would never have moved in with someone knowing that the accommodation couldn’t accommodate my child.

Id have rented somewhere so MY child could comfortably stay with me

What you do is prioritise your son. You love your DSD - yes. But your responsibility is towards your son and your personal money should be going towards supporting him. Your DSD is her father and mother's concern.

Also, shouldn't the priority be on ensuring your son gets the education he deserves - not a larger house.

She is going to get quite the shock when her daughter is an adult and maintenance, paying for the house and child benefit stops.

I do understand your post. You decided to marry your DH and move him in to your too small house to the detriment of what sounds like both your respective children. I'm not going to tell you to divorce him, but you are trying to shut the door after the horse has bolted. You could have just continued your relationship and not married and lived together.

Why are you funding her uni. Surely you fund your child and your partner funds his.
Added to this she should get grants and funding anyway.