Disappointed he didn't get a first.

[UserM6]

I know a 2:1 is fine but I'm sad he didn't come out with more from his time.
He didn't join any societies. Doesn't drink so never really went to the SU and largely stayed in in studying
He says he made friends on his course but no one he's talked about/been to visit/ go on holiday with etc.
Stayed in crap accommodation in his first year 2 and 3rd year lived with the one mate from bloody school. Had a girlfriend throughout (his first ) who he spent his weekends with. She's graduating in 2 years and going abroad next year

He doesn't even want a job in his degree but doesn't know what else to do.

I've stayed positive for him but it seems like a largely wasted time. I feel bad for thinking like this but he's my one and only 🙁.

It's a shame you didn't get a first op.

Hopefully he’s living for himself and never tries to live up to your bizarre expectations.

Was obviously a struggle for him if he hadnt got a job or joined any clubs and was focussed on his studies.
Did he do a degree becuase it was expected of him or because he really wanted to do the course?

Well, but maybe he needed to make those sacrifices to get the 2:1? perhaps those getting a 2:1 and doing all the other stuff are more able?

Or maybe he didn’t consider those to be sacrifices; want to stay with his lovely GF, enjoyed time with his housemate whom he has known for years, and loved his course so wanted to work hard at it? Tbh getting his head down and working hard for three years at uni will stand him in very good stead.

Op I'm not trying to "race to the bottom" here, rather hoping to give another perspective.
I utterly crashed and burned at uni, ultimately making an attempt on my life and returning home for a long time to basically be looked after like a toddler.
I made it, eventually, and got a first but my goodness I bet my parents would rather I had an okay time and got a 2:1. I put them through absolute hell not knowing if I'd be alive let alone get a degree.
You should feel proud, so so proud, that you've raised a healthy adult who went off and did their thing. It might not feel exceptional but you've done a stellar job and he has that degree now. He might not use it but he's got it.

Getting a 2:1 isn’t a waste. It’s amazing. My DS is waiting on his results and I know he will be very upset if he doesn’t get a 1st, but I certainly would still think it’s amazing. He has a graduate job, linked to his degree but when we were looking for degree choices we had a conversation about choosing one that will lead you down a certain career path. DS threw himself into Uni life, was the president of one society, joined many sports teams, met his gf, so much. But DD who is going next year is going to be a different kettle of fish. She is naturally introverted and shy, joining a society will be hard for her, as is making friends. It’s not always as easy as it seems. Good luck to him.

This is so sad.

Your son will need a copy of this book, OP. It's excellent.

www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703

I am lost for words.
A 2:1 is an excellent degree.
Sustaining a relationship throughout his university years is extraordinary.
I very much hope that your son can live his best life and you can hide your disappointment to encourage him to achieve as much as possible.

He chose it himself and the Unis with no input from me.
I just want him to be happy. Having friends, a wider social circle, varied life experienced etc is part of that.

Crikey after reading your post I had to think which one of my lovely children got a first!! It’s not something that I have ever given any headspace to.
As a good Mum I just want my children to be healthy and happy with whatever life throws at them….caim down and never share your thoughts with your child !

cant wait to see a thread about you being a MIL that the DIL hates because she’s a nasty spiteful women and nothing is ever good enough! You don’t even deserve your son! It’s not your life it’s his, get over yourself!!!!!!!

The start of my university life was a dark blur of clinical depression, suicidal ideation, antidepressants and in the end I completely dropped out of society and was a mess. I had to leave uni and move back in with my parents. I rebuilt myself and eventually went back to university and got a First as i wanted to prove to myself I could do it, after what a failure I'd felt before. I got it, but 20 years down the line and it has not impacted my life any more than a 2.1 or 2.2 would have done.

I went through such a dreadful time of wishing I was dead and losing my grasp on any semblance of being a functional person and just hope my kids bobble along without much fan fare and get a decent degree and don't have a terribly traumatic time that scars them for years.

I know my dad is so chuffed that I got a first but really, I'm chuffed that I have a normal.life, good mental health and a job that I enjoy.

I got a First - One of 4 people in 400 on my course. Would honestly say it wasn’t worth the bother and I’d rather have spent my time enjoying my life. Your son has done BRILLIANTLY to get a 2:1. Celebrate with him instead of thinking what he could have done.

So what though?
I hardly worked, partied and got a 1st
Dh fought his whole way through his course and got a 3rd (41%!)
Guess which one of us is in the well paid job with a solid career... spoiler it's not me..

I don't think that's wasted at all - he's got a degree and a lovely girlfriend. It's a shame he didn't have more fun at university but working hard will help with getting jobs and doing well in jobs, maybe he can have the fun later. Some people are just less social as well and find socialising stressful. Its also normal not to work within your degree subject and not something to worry about.

You are being a good mum to want the best for your child.

I would be sad for them if they didn't make the most of uni and ended up with a lesser grade than they should.

It's still a degree, he is still very young. No one has to settle until at least mid 30s, especially for a boy.

Hopefully he will blossom in whatever he does next, and make the most of his youth. You are not wrong with not wanting him to suddenly wake up and realise he missed out and suddenly try to make up for it when he's older or worst with kids.

I think you could possibly be projecting your wants for him. Which can happen. But take a step back. For some uni is difficult. And I disagree with the “everyone ends with a 2:1”. That is not true at all. I know plenty of people who ended with 2:2 (my husband included - he was busy partying and mostly started his essays the day they were due 🙄) and is now more successful than me (career wise) who had a first and wasn’t much for drinking - drink much more now 🤣. None of that is indicative of how he’s life will turn out. If you worry about the experience - He still experienced uni - just he’s way not the way you envisioned for him and that’s the way it’s meant to be.

are you feeling quite ok?

You sound very agitated and your posts are so rude against the OP, why is that?

I wonder if he’s disappointed too…for opposite reasons

So, did you go to uni? Did you get a first? Did you make lots of friends and go on holiwith them? Did you work in the industry related to your degree? God poor lad, hope he moves out and you become a lonely disappointed Mum, coz I wouldn't want to be such a disappointment to you.

So it’s hard if he marries this girl but horrific if they broke up? Honestly, not everyone joins the Riot Club at Uni.
I bloody hated it, although I loved the place. Loads of friends at home, made two there in three years. Could not wait for it to be done.
Not everyone gets a 2:1, unless they are lying on their LinkedIn….

@UserM6 I totally get how you feel. xx

I got a 1:1. In all honesty, I don’t think it’s put me at any advantage over those who got a 2:1 on the same course. In fact, out of my cohort the people who have gone on to the highest earning jobs aren’t the ones who got the 1:1s.

Only a very small % of people get a 1:1, it’s to really distinguish the top achievers.

it sounds like he has a fulfilling time during his years there, even if not in the more ‘traditional’ (party!) sense. I think the younger generation are quite a different breed now in terms of not being party animals and the drinking scene.

Don’t be disappointed, it’s something to be proud of. He will be fine.

I know a girl who didn't go to her graduation because she didn't get a first.Our son got a 2:1 and we were so proud and he has the most amazing job and is getting married in 2 weeks.
Our other son did A levels and an apprenticeship and he has a fabulous job , no uni , got a lovely girlfriend , both happy and healthy, that is all we care about.