Disappointed he didn't get a first.

[UserM6]

I know a 2:1 is fine but I'm sad he didn't come out with more from his time.
He didn't join any societies. Doesn't drink so never really went to the SU and largely stayed in in studying
He says he made friends on his course but no one he's talked about/been to visit/ go on holiday with etc.
Stayed in crap accommodation in his first year 2 and 3rd year lived with the one mate from bloody school. Had a girlfriend throughout (his first ) who he spent his weekends with. She's graduating in 2 years and going abroad next year

He doesn't even want a job in his degree but doesn't know what else to do.

I've stayed positive for him but it seems like a largely wasted time. I feel bad for thinking like this but he's my one and only 🙁.

Not everyone gets a 2:1. Many get 2:2s, many drop out after year 1, many kill themselves cos of the pressure.

YABVU

Wow @UserM6 you’re sad about the 2:1? Why tho? Does he have to get a first? wtaf. I got a 2:2 btw.

Everyone won’t get a first. My DC who is still at uni certainly won’t. That’s fine tho. What subject was it out of interest?

My DC got a 2:1, I could not have been more proud if they had got a 1st.

He's still got a lot of life left to live. You don't stop having opportunities to socialise and date and whatever else just because you are finished uni. You are talking like this is the end, it's only the beginning for him.

So, you didn't get a first, but you think he should have done.

I wonder if your mother was disappointed in you? What a shame.

Please don't let him know or even suspect you feel like this op. Many years ago I missed a first by a couple of points. Entirely my own fault. For some reason I missed a question entirely from my last exam paper. Only 3 questions ...so a third of the marks. If I had even attempted it and got a really low mark I would have passed out top of my cohort of 80 students. Instead I was 5rh. Behind the four firsts in my cohort. A 2.1 goes from that point right down to just in a 2.1. The first would have altered so much in the early days of my career but honestly not so later. I still think of this many years later. My mistake. Please don't be me..put it aside now and celebrate with your son.💐

so, basically, youre the sort of mother who will always be disappointed no matter what.

This is bonkers!
Everyone - at some point - has their first and only boyfriend / girlfriend.
Mine was at uni, dd's was at uni.

Either your ds marries her - how lucky to have found 'the one' right at the start.
Or they split up - how fortunate to have had a healthy first relationship and hopefully the bar will be set high for future relationships.

Both are perfectly acceptable scenarios and is how I am approaching dd's relationship with 'the first and only' she met at uni 3 and a half years ago....
Would you rather he had had a string of bad experiences at uni?

I really feel you’re over thinking this. He has years to have fun still, it’s not all over once you graduate. He can work, travel, change career, make new friends. Everyone matures at different ages and as long as he’s happy, be happy for him! Do you have regrets re uni?

College life isn’t easy. Sounds like your DS did his best.

He'll know. This won't be the first time OP has found her son's living of his life to be a - what was it? - "waste of time".

2(I) is above average ... perhaps you should just be happy for your child's achievements and stop expecting the top award which is just ridiculous ... most people with a 2(I) manage a good career!! 😵‍💫

Thank you, that's helpful.

I know uni won't be fantastic for everyone. I'm pleased he went to a decent one and has a degree.
Just sad he didn't get more out of it. He'll not get the time back. Hopefully like you he'll find something that does make him genuinely happy.

Christ - now I wonder if my MIL felt that way!

I’ve been with her son for 35 years and have given her two beautiful grandchildren, so I hope she doesn’t hold it against me too much.

Are you trying to say that you're sad he's sacrificed everything else (socialising, part time work, other experiences) for academic success?

Only to come out with what many others do without those same sacrifices?

Was he aiming for a first and narrowly missed out?

DH’s best mate married his first girlfriend, the one he met at uni 40 years ago. Still very happily married. And he got a 2:1.

Please don't ever let on to him that you are disappointed that he 'only' got a 2:1, it will stay with him forever.

I got a 2:2 and overheard my dad say to my mum "she knew she needed a 2:1" as though I didn't know that and as though I hadn't tried my best. 20 years on, despite a distinction in my post-grad qualification and doing reasonably well in my career, I still know he was disappointed in me and still worry that I haven't achieved enough and that he's still disappointed.

You sound controlling.

You should be very proud of your son. Let him live his life free of your expectations.

Does he feel sad or like he’s missed out? Or is he happy?

some people don’t want all “usual” uni things and are happy enough doing their thing.

if he’s feeling like he’s wasted something then I sympathise. If he’s perfectly fine then I think you’re being U. But if that’s how you feel then that’s valid too

This obsession with university being absolutely fantastic and the best time of one’s life is, in my view, a major contributor to MH difficulties some students experience. Everyone tells you it’s going to be non stop brilliant and if you don’t feel that way, you think you’re somehow doing it wrong.

I agree with the PP who said that your son will have picked up on your disappointment. Poor kid.

Firsts should be for academic excellence, not given out as compensation for not making the hockey team or having a drafty student digs.

I don’t think you really understand higher education.

My son narrowly missed getting a first and could have appealed because part of his assessment was during COVID, but his attitude was he wasn't going into academia or research so he didn't care about the First and his next step was to use his 2:1(Masters) to get into the skills based job he wanted.
He started in Engineering but his jobs have been in software development and cyber security. I a nervous every time he hops to a different IT sector but he has a very impressive CV and masses of confidence.
I have learned 2 lessons.
First it's his life and if l wants a good relationship with him I have to stop telling him what he should be doing.
Secondly, I have much less knowledge of the job seeking process in his field than I thought

Did he even want to go to uni or did he go for you?

Yes exactly that.

I think he was hoping for more.He took his work seriously.
He didn't meet his girlfriend at Uni. They were going out before. Same as the housemate.

I totally get what you are all saying though.

Wtf did I just read