Disappointed he didn't get a first.

[UserM6]

I know a 2:1 is fine but I'm sad he didn't come out with more from his time.
He didn't join any societies. Doesn't drink so never really went to the SU and largely stayed in in studying
He says he made friends on his course but no one he's talked about/been to visit/ go on holiday with etc.
Stayed in crap accommodation in his first year 2 and 3rd year lived with the one mate from bloody school. Had a girlfriend throughout (his first ) who he spent his weekends with. She's graduating in 2 years and going abroad next year

He doesn't even want a job in his degree but doesn't know what else to do.

I've stayed positive for him but it seems like a largely wasted time. I feel bad for thinking like this but he's my one and only 🙁.

I think it's human and reasonable to have had high hopes for his achievements, and be slightly disappointed.

He'll be fine though, and you'll get over it

First post wins!

I sort of understand what you are saying OP. Not everyone is academic and outside of certain professions in a few years it will be meaningless what result he got (I say that as someone who spent a lot of time in academia!).

Also, you probably have no idea what he got up to in Uni. He might of had more fun than you think.

Not all universities do offer this anymore. I'm not sure how long ago you went, but the experiences of the students I teach are very, very different from the one I experienced as an undergraduate. I feel quite sad for them about the many ways in which they're being sold short, particularly since fees were introduced and universities changed from educational establishments to aggressive business competitors.

They bang on these days about The Student Experience, but it certainly isn't one I recognise. Times are very different now. One thing that hasn't changed, thorugh, is that a 2.1 is a perfectly respectable degree: good enough to open doors to most of the places people want to go in life.

I hope you'll be fully supportive of your son's choice of career, OP, since you were not able to do so about his educational achievements. Parents always think they hide it well. I think it likely that most children can sense it on some level when their parents are disappointed in them.

This is what worries me. I cannot help but be worried.

I fully accept much of his personality will be shaped by me.
I am still allowed to worry if I can see that my parenting has had a negative affect.
I'm not blaming him for not getting a first or having a limited social life. I'm just worried.

A great time at Uni ( even if he came out with little academically OR a First would have been outcomes I'd feel reassured by.

You’ve got nothing to be sad about OP…nothing…believe me!

Whatever you do OP, please make sure he knows the difference between 'of' and 'have'. That will do more for his standing than any grade.

YABVVVU.

Would you be more proud of me? First degree: 2:1, Masters: First, Second Masters: First. Successful career, four kids.
Married for 21 years. Behind the scenes - abused. Left DH, had nervous breakdown, and suffer severe C-PTSD where sometimes I can't leave the house.

The thing is OP, the university experience these days is probably not what it was 20 years ago in terms of socialising.

Younger people seem less interested in pubs and clubbing, maybe because of online socialising instead.

A load of pubs around where I live have closed over the last few years.

So he didn’t have a wild time, so what? It’s still a good experience.

2:1 is an amazing achievement! You should be very proud of him. I can assure you not “everyone” gets a 2:1, even if you did. He sounds like he’s worked hard whilst also sustaining a relationship with someone he loves & friendships that he’s had for years. I can’t see the issue personally but it’s a shame that you’re disappointed in your child & hope that you don’t express that to him. I had a great time at uni & didn’t join any societies - not my thing! Let him be who he is, not who you want him to be.

Someone’s failing a bit here. But it’s not your son.

He's doing very well.

Sound like my Dad, who couldn’t even bring himself to say well done to when I got a 2:1, aged twenty, having worked to support myself throughout a very demanding course. He looked like I’d failed - I know why, I was told at 14 if you’re not the best you might as well not have bothered. Wonderful attitude to pass onto kids 😳

OP not read all posts but presume you have a Double First with stars on it from Oxford or Imperial College (now rated above Cambridge) and also had many wonderful, rich, handsome and successful BF by 21 too?

well done hope he enjoyed his time and is ready for a new start following his dream

What does it matter to you that he didn't get a first? It's not your life, nor your accomplishment.

I can't believe you wrote that! A 2:1 is a good degree. You should be feeling really proud of him. I've got two DC. Neither of them completed a degree even though they did really well at school. I'm still hugely proud of them because they are just lovely people.

What most of you seem to have read in the OP

I am a self-absorbed mother disappointed in my son

What I read in the OP

My son went to uni and worked really hard. He didn't have much of a social life and so I am disappointed for him that he didn't get a first. I'm posting here rather than show my disappointment to him.

Did we read the same post?

I wonder if part of the reason he curtailed his social life / experiences was to try to live up to your academic expectations. Part of being the parent of adult children is to learn to let go. DC has a 2.1 and a Masters. Also had great fun at university, spent a year abroad, and made lasting friendships, through which he met his DW. Apart from being interested and supportive, part of my role was to keep on working to pay for the good accommodation, the money for travel, help pay him off the student loan and help with the funds for their first flat and wedding.

A 2:1 is awesome! Did you get a first OP? It's not that easy. He did his best and got his degree.

As for his social life, he sounds like he just prefers a close circle of old friends and his gf. This will change when he starts work I'm sure.but there's nothing wrong with not getting pissed down the union every night. It's not 1991!

It doesn't matter if he doesn't work in the field he studied. A 2:1 will help get him a grad job in nearly every sector.

So he should have done …anything other than what he actually did do? God help the poor lad.

I think you need to count your blessings.

Great uni
2:1 is bloody good
No drinking and drugs
Gorgeous girlfriend
Longtime good mate
Good work ethic

Very true! I got a first and I don't think anyone has ever taken any notice of the grade. It certainly made no difference to my career.

He’s got himself a good degree OP. He’s not you and maybe not doing what you wanted or hoped for, but he is finding his path. Hopefully he has no inkling you feel this way. I think if you pinned so much on him you are confusing his achievements and life with your own.

What always worries me and I never say anything is that when a pupil at school doesn't have a close friendship group but parents have this false impression that they WILL find their tribe at uni. Some will and some will not. If they are the type of person that hasn't forged friendship groups at school what will be different about them at uni that means they will now? Again I reiterate that some will indeed find friends whether that's by forced into being flatmates but there are still some that do not.

The issue with your son is that first year where friendship groups tend to form via societies etc when everyone is keen to make friends he didn't join in and indeed carried on seeing his girlfriend actively not joining in.

However this is the choice he made and whilst you may be disappointed it isn't the experience you had hoped for him it is indeed the experience he chose for himself.