Disappointed he didn't get a first.

[UserM6]

I know a 2:1 is fine but I'm sad he didn't come out with more from his time.
He didn't join any societies. Doesn't drink so never really went to the SU and largely stayed in in studying
He says he made friends on his course but no one he's talked about/been to visit/ go on holiday with etc.
Stayed in crap accommodation in his first year 2 and 3rd year lived with the one mate from bloody school. Had a girlfriend throughout (his first ) who he spent his weekends with. She's graduating in 2 years and going abroad next year

He doesn't even want a job in his degree but doesn't know what else to do.

I've stayed positive for him but it seems like a largely wasted time. I feel bad for thinking like this but he's my one and only 🙁.

Wow poor kid.

For what it's worth, tell him I think he's amazing and congratulations on his degree!

How does he feel about it all?

You should feel ashamed of how you feel. Poor kid.

So, a kids that’s graduating with a very respectable 2:1, has a relationship, level headed about drinking and smart and sensible.

With a mother who’s disappointed in him.

what a world hey.

Poor kid. Presumably by your reckoning it would still be a waste of time even if he’d got a first though, if he doesn’t want a job in the same field?

Of course I have.

I'm talking about my feelings. I wouldn't worry if he'd had a brilliant time but clearly it was very much "ok".

What class of degree did you get?

You big him up, tell him how amazing he is. University will have taught him analytical skills. He has done well. Maybe see a careers advisor.

Jesus Christ, kindly meant but you need a little perspective here.

So he worked hard, had his first relationship (a good one by the sounds of it), had a friend to live with in second and third year, stayed true to himself and did not get caught up in societies and drinking out of peer pressure, and came out with a very very respectable grade?

I consider that an absolute success story! Tell him congratulations and that you are proud of him!

Please, whatever you do, don’t betray one ounce of what you’re feeling to your (I assume) son. Not one ounce ever.

Good grief! You are right to feel bad.

Considering the number of posts on here about worried parents who can’t get their grown adult children to come out of their bedrooms, you have a son who has not only finished Uni but got a 2:1.
A 2:1!
Be bloody proud of him. And so what if he didn’t fling himself into true student life…
it’s one of the reasons he’s probably done so well!!!

You're being totally ridiculous.

In two years time nobody will care about his excellent grade.

His life, not yours.

I'm not talking about you! I said tell him I think those things....because you sound very self absorbed. Your son's life is not about you! Frankly your feelings on the situation are entirely irrelevant and you need to GTFU!

Some kids go to uni and kill themselves because of the pressure to do their very very best.
You need to change your perspective and practice some gratitude.

I got a first by 0.05% but otherwise my experience of university was much as you describe your son's. I didn't get much out of it socially and didn't really have a passion for my subject. So I don't think the 1st / 2:1 thing is really the main issue. Personally I am a bit disappointed in my own experience looking back, but other parts of my life have been great and wouldn't have happened without the university part. Maybe your son is perfectly happy with his university experience, maybe like me he'll look back with some disappointment, but it's all part of life's rich tapestry either way.

I wouldn’t be upset about him not getting a first, but I think it is a shame he missed out on the other opportunities for friendships and establishing social networks the University offers. Was he a bit of a loner at school?

Ugh. You sound like my mum @UserM6 (that’s not a good thing…)

@UserM6 university is sold as a wonderful experience for everyone. But it really isn’t. One of my DC did not have a great time in a number of ways, tho they came out with a first and an annual prize. Wowser. And I was and am massively proud of them. But I know they (for lots of reasons inc Covid) did not have the experience that they might have. If they were a different person.

Another friend of theirs really struggled to make friends at uni and I think was very glad to leave. Still another left after a term as it was not for them.

Yes some students have a great time and meet lots of new friends and socialise a lot and get a first (or some of those things). But I always take these tales of “time of her life!!!” with a pinch of salt anyway.

Sounds as tho your son’s experience was positive – a great degree, sensible about drinking, perhaps didn’t spend loads of money like some students do – so it didn’t bring him 20 “friends for life” or the inspiration to do a PhD. That’s fine. He moves on. Maybe the next stage of his life will be much more engaging for him.

After all if uni is this wonderful time and you love it so much, you’ll maybe struggle when you leave – and you do have to, even if like one of my DC you do a masters and then maybe a PhD haha. Better to look forward in a positive way of where he might go, what he might do, now.

Maybe hes downplaying it all because you behave like this. Your making it all about yourself, this isnt about you.

The girlfriend is a gorgeous person . But it's his first and only. Honestly would no one worry about their marrying the only girlfriend he had? And of course the alterative is they break up which will be horrific.
I'm sad about the 2:1. Everyone gets a 2:1 ( me included) but I think most meet new people, socialise, work part time etc. He hasn't done any of that.

He doesn’t even want a job in his degree but doesn’t know what else to do

Did he take his degree subject in something he was interested in and with an eye to the future, or was it chosen to satisfy you alone? I speak from experience here, and particularly as he’s your ‘one and only’ advise you to be very, very careful about your direction of travel…