Disappointed he didn't get a first.

[UserM6]

I know a 2:1 is fine but I'm sad he didn't come out with more from his time.
He didn't join any societies. Doesn't drink so never really went to the SU and largely stayed in in studying
He says he made friends on his course but no one he's talked about/been to visit/ go on holiday with etc.
Stayed in crap accommodation in his first year 2 and 3rd year lived with the one mate from bloody school. Had a girlfriend throughout (his first ) who he spent his weekends with. She's graduating in 2 years and going abroad next year

He doesn't even want a job in his degree but doesn't know what else to do.

I've stayed positive for him but it seems like a largely wasted time. I feel bad for thinking like this but he's my one and only 🙁.

Firstly this is Higher Education not AIBU

Secondly I didn't ask for opinions. Not once .

I started a thread on my feelings. All the "irrelevant nitpicking" was in my opening post.
I have no issue with posters being vitriolic but not making up their own version of my posts.

My DH went to uni, lived at home the whole time and had a few select friends from his course. He was close with his cousin and spent most weekends with him going to the local pub. He didn't have a girlfriend during uni and got a 2:2. Does he feel like he missed out? No. Does he regret the experience? No. Now he out earns everyone we know now in a 6-figure job in a field that he couldn't enter without his degree and has made many close friends throughout his post-uni life that would move mountains for him. Were and are his parents proud? Absolutely. OP, uni isn't everything, his life is only just getting started. There are so many more experiences to come for him. Oh and I was my DH's first girlfriend, we've been friends since we were 15, together 12 years now and we have 3 kids. He's not doing too bad considering he married his first girlfriend...

As others have said a 2:1 is a very respectable grade, so he should celebrate and be be congratulated.
The uni experience - or lack of - I do kinda get what you are saying as my DC also haven't made the lifelong connections and friendship that some friends my age did (I didn't go to uni)
I think the uni experience maybe a bit hyped especially if it was impacted by covid.
A lot of students on my DCs course went to uni with school friends so weren't really looking for friendships outside that and it's hard to break into an established circle, also student accommodation seems a bit self contained now compared to the traditional type halls where you all had dinner together, shared bathrooms etc so it's much easier to hide in your room, and the number of students per lecture can be huge well over 100 students on my DCs courses so much harder to make connections and much easier to be anonymous.
But as long as he is happy, got a good degree and is ready to.ove on to the next stage of his life then I'd call that a success. Lots of people don't stick to their field, a degree can just open doors.
For example at my work we have town planners with English, history and psychology degrees.
Sometimes you just need a degree to get a foot in the door!

My wee brother didn't get an honours degree because he was ill with glandular fever and had to drop out. He's got an ordinary degree and is doing really well for himself.

Why don't you just be proud of your son for what he managed to achieve. I know of many exceptional students who "only" got a 2:1

Last post from me because this is an insult to so many people who didn't get a first

This!!!

Tell your son I’m really proud of him!

OP, you seem to have quite rigid ideas of what uni should be. That the only way to have a good 'uni experience' is to join societies, go out drinking and clubbing and make loads of friends, almost like the degree is secondary to those things. I also find it quite strange that you've said you wouldn't have minded him getting a rubbish degree if he'd at least have managed to have done those things instead.

I really feel that we need to stop this whole 'uni experience' thing. So many students are fed this spiel about how they'll have the time of their life at uni, meet so many amazing people and have the most fun they'll ever have in their life. For some people, this might be the case, for others uni will just be 'okay' and some will not enjoy it at all. I think this messaging contributes hugely to why so many students develop mental health problems. If they're not having the brilliant time they're told they should be having, they think that there must be something wrong with them or that they're doing it wrong. That, or they force themselves into situations they really don't want to be in because they think it's what they should be doing.

You need to be really careful here that you don't make your son think that there's something wrong with him because he's not had the experience you envisioned for him.

You’ve got an adult son who has got his head screwed on, didn’t as far as you know piss away his uni years and has achieved a good degree thanks to his hard work. He will not have told you much about friendships and what exactly he got up to- who does? But from what you DO know there is nothing to worry about. Stop fretting.

MyDS has just sat his GCSEs. He’s clever and always gets good results in class etc but has several Sen issues. in exams he can’t remember anything and up to a year ago, got all ungraded mocks as it was all too overwhelming. He would just sit there and cry. Well, he’s attempted every GCSE and we are desperately hoping he manages to get 3 exams at grade 3 which is what he needs to get to college. On paper, it should be a doddle but if he manages it will be a huge achievement. My point is that I had to really lower my hopes and expectations and avoid putting pressure on him. If he gets his college place, I’ll be just as proud as if he had got straight 9s.

OP I think your mistake was your title. It doesn't sound to me as if you are disappointed with the 2i, it sounds more as if you are worried that he wasn't happy at Uni and isn't happy now. But as others have said, we don't really know what our kids get up to and maybe (definitely) the whole socialising thing isn't for everyone. Maybe he had a blast in his own way. You say he says he made friends on his course so believe him, maybe they won't be friends forever but that's fine.

I think we all want our kids to love Uni (if only because it costs so bloody much that we want them to wring every drop of experience from it) but he has a good degree and his whole life ahead of him.

“You didn’t ask for opinions”- what was the purpose of your thread???
Beyond odd! Have a word with yourself seriously OP!

A former work colleague of mine has a DH who went to a certain school in Scotland and it was expected that after attending that school you would go to a certain university. He didn’t get the grades to go to that university and so had to go to a different one. He didn’t have the typical university experience like your son though he did have a couple of people to live with in second, third and fourth year. He has no regrets about his time at university, He ended up doing the same degree as his friends just at a different university and now out earns them all. He owns his own house, has a long term relationship and no regrets.

I absolutely understand where you're coming from.
However, a first class degree may very well have been impossible. I have several degrees at bachelor's and master's levels. (I'm a doctor and almost collect them, partly for fun and partly to keep me up to date).
I have never managed to get a first. The people who got firsts did FAR less work than I did. Their brains were different to mine.
(Stephen Fry and Boris Johnson got upper seconds....)

I was replying to your post which said.

“Your thread was literally AYBU to ve sad at your son getting a 2:1 instead of a first.”

It wasn’t.

obviously people will have opinions but it more advice I was after . They are two different things.

struggling to understand what more you actually wanted him to get out of uni?

@UserM6 What advice are yoou seeking please?

This is so sad to read. Your disappointment in your son is palpable and I am sure he will have felt that from you even if you think you can hide it. Read your posts back - do you realise you actually wrote that you wish he had "a great time at Uni ( even if he came out with little academically...) "
I find that staggering. You don't seem to be able to even recognise all his achievements, let alone be able to celebrate them. So he researched and applied for uni by himself, passed his A levels and actually got his uni place, studied hard, maintained a happy relationship throughout with a gorgeous girlfriend, lived independently with a school mate, got a really good degree. But in your eyes that all seems to scream failure. You don't once mention whether HE is happy with his life which is the most important thing of all. He is finding his own path, he is his own person - please stop judging him by your standards.

This is what I don’t quite get. Everyone’s experiences are personal to them.

I don’t see why @UserM6 is reacting like this.

What more did you expect? Let the kid breathe. If he’s happy, that should be enough. Honestly, it feels like you're turning this into a bigger deal than it needs to be.

What was OP's DS himself said about his university experience?

Secondly I didn't ask for opinions. Not once

Well, except for your thread title, where you literally put disappointed he didn't get a first?

The question mark invites comments, or opinions, on that statement.

I think OP wishes he'd socialised a lot more, come out of himself maybe? She seems worried that he hasn't made a lot of friends.
IMHO, not everyone needs lots of friends to be happy.

I would suggest rather that what we're looking at is that 'getting a first' would have helped the OP's self-esteem, not the son's.
Background. I've been teaching 30 years. I've seen this countless times. Whenever you see parents wringing their hands like this, at bottom you'll fine that what motivates it is an desire for the parent to burnish their own reputation and image, to bask selfishly in what the offspring has done by taking credit for their child's achievements. In other words, living out their dreams through their offspring.
These parents perform extraordinary mental gymnastics to justify and distract from this extraordinary selfishness with faux altruism that attempt to deflect with 'Oh I worry she can't find a job' and 'Oh I worry about his future' and 'So hard to earn a living these days' and a thousand other similar pretexts. This is what I see here.
But what it boils down to is plain selfisness because they want to achieve through their kid what they weren't able to do themselves, and to get bragging rights over others in their social and family circle.
And the true horror is that this can have a disastrously deleterious effect on the kid when they don't get their parental approval and recognition - all for the sake of the parent burnishing their 'face' and reputation. It's disgusting.

Funnily enough, my daughter got a 2:1 and didn't join any clubs / societies and studied a lot and I was really proud of her. Still am.

Don’t be daft OP. A 2:1 is a decent degree and good enough for most degree programmes. I know some incredibly clever people with 2:1 degrees who are now KCs!

This is surely a joke? Who in their right mind would be disappointed in a 2:1. This is ridiculous and I hope your son has no inkling as to how you are feeling.

Be proud of him and yourself for raising a son who is obviously hard working.

A 2:1 is a super result. Go and give him a hug and tell him he is brilliant just as he deserves.

@Twogonksandapencil
Read your posts back - do you realise you actually wrote that you wish he had "a great time at Uni ( even if he came out with little academically...) "

Yes. I think that if he really enjoyed his 3 years, it would have more important than the degree classification.