Disappointed he didn't get a first.

[UserM6]

I know a 2:1 is fine but I'm sad he didn't come out with more from his time.
He didn't join any societies. Doesn't drink so never really went to the SU and largely stayed in in studying
He says he made friends on his course but no one he's talked about/been to visit/ go on holiday with etc.
Stayed in crap accommodation in his first year 2 and 3rd year lived with the one mate from bloody school. Had a girlfriend throughout (his first ) who he spent his weekends with. She's graduating in 2 years and going abroad next year

He doesn't even want a job in his degree but doesn't know what else to do.

I've stayed positive for him but it seems like a largely wasted time. I feel bad for thinking like this but he's my one and only 🙁.

He has done extremely well to get a 2:1! Congratulations to him, that is such good news.

You sound controlling and judgemental. I’m glad you’re not my mother.

My son got a 2.1 just short of first I couldn't be prouder only thing is a year in and part time job in retail he's pissed off and is getting excited at prospect of a full time min wage job, so many of my mates kids in same position, no jobs no full time jobs it's hard enough

Looking at this, I see the first almost irretrievable steps in the lifelong process of alienating your kid. It's not too late. Stop now and do the parent's job. If you don't, you'll see what happens.

Do you have any idea what is required to get a 1st? You won’t, because you didn’t get one either.

I would be furious if I learnt that my parents felt the way you did about getting a 2:1. If you want to continue having a relationship with your son, you need to get over yourself sharpish and go out and have a celebratory meal or something for his 2:1.

I too feel like I didn’t make the most of my time at university. Everything only really started to click in my Masters year - got a serious boyfriend, passed my driving test and bought a car, had more money (secured an internship after undergrad and before starting Masters), so it does feel like 3 years were wasted from a socialising/free time standpoint. I deeply regret not travelling in the summer holidays - I would kill for 3 months off now!
But like you, I’m philosophical about it all now, especially as my life since has mostly been fantastic.

I got a 2:1 at undergraduate, and I didn't make a huge amount of friends. I joined one society, which was fun, but we didn't really do socials and I'm not in touch with anyone from our group now. I'm autistic, so I'm not great at making and keeping friends anyway, but in the end I came out of university with an alright degree, two new friends and my best friend from home.

My degree may not have been a first, but it gave me a really good foundation in my subject and a chance to explore all different areas and figure out what I liked and didn't like, and what I might want to do. I then went on to get a 1st for my Master's degree, and now I have a job I love and a good time with my three friends. My job is in a field tangential to my degree, and university skills have been really helpful at work even outside of my specific subject. I see my best friend all the time, as he's local to me, and I regularly visit the other two. I'm not living the most exciting life right now, and there's things I'd love to do and hope to in the future, but the things I am happy with are my degrees and my few friends.

If your DS went straight from school he can't be much older than 21/22, and the human brain isn't even fully developed then! There's still so much time for your DS to come into his own, please try not to be too sad about it. Translating that concern into support will be the best thing you can do for him; give him a safe place where he can figure out what he wants to do with your advice and help when he asks for it.

your son sounds delightful.

you sound like you need perspective!!!!

You seem to be anticipating disaster where really there's just life.

Maybe they'll stay together and marry someday. Or maybe they'll split. Either way, it won't be a catastrophe. It'll be life, with all its ups and downs. Getting a decent but not spectacular education, having a nice but not phenomenal time at uni - it's all fine. Very few people ride a sea of overwhelming highs with nary a low in sight.

Do you have any reason to worry about your son's mental health, or is it just a generalised concern?

I think that’s a bit of a generalisation. I personally don’t know a single man with bad mental health (other than usual life’s woes). I know many do but it certainly isn’t all. Unless you have a specific reason to worry about your son he will be fine whether they stay together or they don’t.

obviously none of us know you or your son but nothing you have described about him raise any red flags. He had an ok but not great time at uni (very common), has friends, has a girlfriend (so is capable of holding down a relationship) , got a good degree but not sure what he wants to do next. I am 30 years past uni and I still don’t know what I want to do- I fell into my career. Unless there is is something you haven’t added he sounds like he’s winning in life!

Wow. Get a grip. Did you get a first?

84% of his course in his year.
In the grand scale of things that means nothing especially as he’s not interested in using the course to move forward
The stats over all degrees show 16% in any one birth year.

Nope I have not indicated that in my post at all. That is you assuming I meant that.

OP, I think I would just take a step back and not get too emotionally attached in whether your son is “leading his best life”. I think it’s because he is your only you feel it so much.
He will have highs and lows, but all you can do is just be there for him with no judgement.
The fact of the matter is most people live mundane lives and that’s fine. He’s happy and healthy, he will have his own journey. Young people have so much expectation on them these days-work experience, jobs, internships, looking good, travelling. It’s easy for them to feel like disappointments or parents to feel like they aren’t making the most of all the opportunities on offer.

Just concentrate on your well being, your son sounds like he is doing good and I am sure that’s party due to you being a good parent to him.

I was responding to this odd little fantasy from you:

…will be the same posters laughing and mocking someone for having a so-called "midlife crisis" and making up for things they missed out in their youth.

OP, you’re taking this very much to heart, and you’ve said more than once thst you think your parenting is at fault — are your self-critical person who isn’t ok with her own mistakes? What is your own career and friendship circle like?

OP you need a reality check.

He has done well to get his degree, got a lovely girlfriend and did not get himself in trouble with drink or drugs.

There is much to celebrate about what your son has achieved yet for some bizarre reason you seem to want to dismiss it all...

This is not about you, it is his life and it is not his job to give you things to brag about or to live whatever fantasy life you had in mind for him.

You come across has having some issues...

I know someone at work (a grad) who's parents were disappointed he didn't get a first and a distinction later on in his masters. He instead for a 2.1 and a merit. While they are proud they always tell him he could have done better

Nothing wrong with a 2:1. Thats just what was his best, you should be celebrating his success!!!

Is it him or you who wanted a 1st? he sounds like he worked incredibly hard and maybe a bit too hard! my time at uni was brilliant, I learned so much, not just within my course. I had part time jobs, I made friends, I just learned a lot about life. I'm now studying (in my 30s) to change career because I just fancy something new. Life doesn't have to be one set path, I'm sure his degree has given him transferable skills that he can apply to many jobs outwith the degree subject he studied if that is whats bothering you. Its difficult reading your post to work out whether its him that is upset coming out of uni without having had the 'full experience' or just you?

This whole post reeks of smug disappointment from a parent who clearly measured their child’s worth by some fantasy of uni glory. Drinking, societies, glowing first-class degrees. Instead, he did something harder: kept his head down, stayed loyal to one person, worked through a tough system, and came out clean. And your reaction is basically, ‘meh’? That’s pathetic. If this is how you reflect on his years, no wonder he didn’t open up more or branch out — he probably sensed the bar would always be just out of reach. Maybe the real wasted opportunity here wasn’t his degree, but your chance to be a decent, supportive parent throughout.

Bloody hell. I graduated with an ordinary degree first time around - I'm in Scotland and I've just finished another one and I'll be over the moon with a 2:1 which I am on course for

Thats upsetting. My parents were just super proud and I didn't even get a 2.1!

Can't belive your disappointed in your son for not having more fun ! He's happy being himself I suppose.. so many get hooked.on drinking or drugs....he has same girlfriend.. so remains stable....he will find his way .. be so proud of him!
Can't see why you're expressing negativity... hope he doesn't pick up on this

Exactly. I don't see what there is to worry about unless he has communicated mental health problems that are worrying OP.