Disappointed he didn't get a first.

[UserM6]

I know a 2:1 is fine but I'm sad he didn't come out with more from his time.
He didn't join any societies. Doesn't drink so never really went to the SU and largely stayed in in studying
He says he made friends on his course but no one he's talked about/been to visit/ go on holiday with etc.
Stayed in crap accommodation in his first year 2 and 3rd year lived with the one mate from bloody school. Had a girlfriend throughout (his first ) who he spent his weekends with. She's graduating in 2 years and going abroad next year

He doesn't even want a job in his degree but doesn't know what else to do.

I've stayed positive for him but it seems like a largely wasted time. I feel bad for thinking like this but he's my one and only 🙁.

My FIL got a 3rd (from Oxford in medicine admittedly) and became an obstetrician in a major trust. DH and I married at university 25 years ago and both got 2:2s. We now employ nearly 200 people and turnover several million a year. Success comes in all shapes and sizes and our perception of success evolves as we get older and rearrange our priorities and our values. Sounds like your son is wiser than his years and I congratulate him on a fine degree and wish him every happiness.

Is it just me or is anyone else sensing that this is more about the op than her son. What's your concern.. that he hasn't got the 1:1 that your friends son has got or something? I would be absolutely made up with whatever education path my child chose or workplace. As long as they were happy and living a fulfilled life. That is really all that matters. I could not care any less what your or societies expectations are happiness and fulfillment trump them all day long. And when in have children I will never ever leave them wondering if I'm proud of them or not. Because they will know as long as they are happy so am I.

I don't understand your point or feelings to be honest. I think it's a perfect time to be told that you sound so incredibly self centered. And this is a you problem not your son's. You are disappointed. Not him.

He has got a fantastic degree. He obviously has good friends otherwise he wouldn't have moved in with people. He's clearly got a good head on his shoulders. What a fantastic way to start adult life. Okay he didn't party every weekend? So what. That's obviously not what he enjoys and to be honest is probably a very good thing. You meet friends in all areas and stages of your life. He has set himself up incredibly well. And so what if he never uses his degree again? Does sit really matter. You are not supposed to know exactly what you want to do in life by the time your 21. You might not even be 100 percent sure at 40 and that's still okay. But you find your calling. And so will he. To be anything but proud of him right now would be ridiculous

I find it jaw dropping when parents are disappointed with their children not getting a 1st
Seriously, totally damaging for the child and demonstrates their lack of appreciation that matters haven't gone pear shaped with their children ( which can happen)

Very sad

The best parenting advice I ever had is parent the child you have, not the one you want.
your son sounds like an introvert who works hard and doesn’t want to go out to party every night - there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. He and you should be very proud of a 2:1.

My DD wanted a first but had far too much other stuff going on and I was very happy she got a 2:1 and did a lot. A first is not necessary, but nice to have.
I'm sorry you are disappointed but I think you should be happy for him.

You sound like you’re overthinking everything, you need to chill out a bit and stop worrying so much. Not everything will be plain sailing over your children’s adult years so you need to take a step back and calm down. There are genuinely stressful situations with adult kids in their late teens/20s and what you describe is not
it.

It sounds to me as though you feel you haven't achieved as much as you could have and, therefore, decided to live vicariously though your ds in the belief that the next generation would achieve the brilliant success that eluded you but he's not you and his life isn't yours to mastermind. I'd join the chorus of posters telling you to hide your disappointment but he already knows so that shop has sailed.

@Dollsyp As long as they were happy and living a fulfilled life. That is really all that matters
Which is the bit I have stated many times already is the bit I'm worried about.

Also he didn't "live with people". He lived with a boy who was in his year at school. For two years. Not the typical shared student house experience.
He has two other friends aside from the boy he shares with. He only sees them ( very briefly) when he comes home. Hasn't been on a night out or a holiday with them.
My son is a lovely human but I'm really not convinced he's happy. I think getting a first would have helped his self esteem.

Exactly! My son never even finished uni, has never had a gf afaik and does not have a professional career or any hope of either realistically. But I am proud of his other achievements nevertheless and would be absolutely thrilled if he'd done what OP's DS has done. Some of the most successful people have never even finished school let alone get a 2:1.

@UserM6 please be happy for him, it’s so disheartening when parents behave this way.

My parents were disappointed with my grade, a 2:1 and I cannot even put into words how I felt with their reaction.

Friends who had a 3rd were taken out to dinner to celebrate. Friends who didn’t even pass were comforted by their parents.

I worked bloody hard for my degree and all I wanted was to make them proud.

I couldn’t even frame my certificate in the living room because they simply were embarrassed of my grade.

What would have made you happy OP, a double starred First in Greats with simultaneous membership of the Bullingdon club and a rowing Blue?

Deal with what sounds like your own malaise with life and let your son be.

Also why are so many people still posting about getting a 2:1 but "having too much on" or empathising with a poor uni experience but mentioning their firsts!
This is literally the thread. I wouldn't worry with a lower degree if he'd had the best time or even just expended his social circle really.
That was the bit I'm really thought he'd benefit from.

My son got a first last week but i would have been equally proud if he'd got a 2:1, not sad

your degree may have been easier. Or you were luckier. Or simply more intelligent. Who knows?

he has a degree, friends and is in a relationship with a (by your description) lovely young woman. That‘s great, isn’t it?

and no, I would not worry about him marrying his first girlfriend. Multiple / previous partners don’t guarantee a happy marriage (or happy life)!

Two things @UserM6 one is - as you must know if you have a child of university age - none of us can live a life for someone else. Adults and indeed children ultitmately are responsible for what they do - how hard they study, whether they are interested in hockey or singing or nothing at all.

second is, many MANY MANY people go to university, come out with a 2:1 and do jack shit else. Usually I grant you those people are often just getting pissed and partying but not always. Even the party drunk drugs crowd don't necessarily make lasting friendships anyway Lots of my contemporaries were like that in Y 1 and 2 and then got involved with stuff that interested in them in Y3 which kind of saved the day for them and their CVs! but your son really isn't unusual at all.

It's fine for you to feel a bit sad but it's probably you having your own regrets for your own choices and projecting on to him of your own missed opportunities. He'll be fine. He's got a degree and a 2:1! This was literally the point of the exercise.

It's not like he's failed his degree - then you'd have a problem

Really?
Have you studied for a degree?
He's done really well. It's hard to get a 2:1

He sounds like a great person.
You should be proud.

As a university lecturer this breaks my heart. I know how much hard work and time goes into a 2:1. And 1st class degrees really are the exception, not the rule. Handing them out willy nilly would devalue them. We don't give them to improve 'self esteem', or make students (or parents in your case) merely feel good.

Congratulations on your degree!

Your thread was literally AYBU to ve sad at your son getting a 2:1 instead of a first.
Literally all responding here have clearly stated you ABU, yet you continue to pick apart irrelevant details.
Perhaps reflect on the triggers/reasons of your own wholly unreasonable expectations and take a read of this thread with this in mind.

I married my first boyfriend. Still together after 17 yrs. Is it now also an issue to do this?? I had no idea it seems

So basically you didn't get a first yourself and you expect your son to fulfill you ? You might need therapy to come to terms with this. Putting expectations on our children of things we didn't manage is very hard on them and they have already so much to deal with. Your son has his whole life ahead of him to do and achieve things for himself and satisfy his ambitions. Sorry if I'm too hard on you. But don't be harsh on your child.

Also not everyone gets a 2:1. One of my siblings got a 2:2. You need an exercise in gratitude OP. Things could be much worse.

I got a 2.2 and now have an MA in my chosen career and am doing well, In the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter, he has a degree and did brilliantly to get a 2.1! You should be proud of him. As long as he is happy that’s the main thing.

A 2:1 is very respectable. Not everyone has the capacity or drive to get a first and that's OK. It's not like he scraped a third.

I understand it's not the uni experience you wanted for him but I think you have to just let it go. My uni experience wasn't as exciting as I hoped, no steady boyfriend AT ALL, wrong choice of degree really, some exciting times but a lot of mediocre ones and I probably didn't make the most of it. I did get a (low) 2:1 and also some amazing friends who are still in my life 30 years later. This was the 90s, and I think a lot of us had mixed experiences and not the wild years of endless fun that it was portrayed as.

Some people don't have a shared house experience full stop. I was miserable away from home the first time and then I stayed home for a few years. I noticed that you referred to your son sharing with someone from bloody school. Maybe you should just be happy that he shared with someone he was comfortable with

This is awful on so many levels. Imagine being upset because your son only got a two one. Urgh