My son failed his university degree

[SHMumindespair]

I feel at a loss. Could I have done more? I was supposed and looking forward to a university graduation when my son sends a message that he will.jot tet a degree. He filed too many times. 4vyears. £70000 debt and no degree. Future ruined. I am.just at a loss and just crying, feeling a mix of anger, disappointment, responsibility.... I could go on but feel like a failure myself as a mother.

Depends on the rules, but not usually. They get one chance to resit but they can’t go again and again

What a fabulous, fabulous father.

All is not lost. First priority is to make sure he’s okay and then find out a bit more about reasons for the fail and what can be done through speaking to true university.

There is always a way around these thing, nephew didn’t enjoy his degree choice but got through without honours, took a few years out travelling and working in retail then went back and did his Msc in something more of his interest, he’s done very well and earns a good salary doing a job he enjoys.

Obviously different for every uni, but yes, there are multiple chances. But ultimately some students fail multiple modules multiple times. We have to maintain academic standards - if they repeatedly fail core required modules (we are a certified degree) they can’t pass

Ok, so my first thought would be to look at why he failed? Are we looking at depression? ADD or addiction issues, because those things wont go away just because the course has ended.
If he just messed around for 4 years, then hopefully he will have learned a hard lesson but if he was struggling with mental health issues he may need help to move on.
All is not lost though, my friends son failed medicine in 5th year, he had underlying ASD and just couldn't interact with others at a level needed for patient/Dr relationships. He works in tech now and ironically earns a lot more than he would as a doctor.

Is your DS OK? Does he appear to be well and coping? Does he also feel his future is ruined and that he is a failure? Because ALL that matters right now is that he isn't in too dark a place. Your main job is to monitor his welfare and make sure he knows he will have a future, and that debt and lack of a degree are not the end of the world. Just make sure he's OK and the rest can be sorted in time.

So, once a student has actually failed a degree is that the end? Are all the bits they did pass just useless then ir can they re-use them to contribute to another qualification?

That depends on the course.

I think he needs to speak to the uni about this as they can sometimes put together a portfolio and give credits for what was completed. A certificate or diploma rather than a degree but something that is "proof" of the modules completed.

Not the end of the world. Give some time to cool down, then explore other options. Future is not ruined - it awaits!

We are seeing the failure rate rise a lot across the sector as these students are the ones that didn’t have a level exams owing to covid. The teacher assessments were generous to say the least and a lot of students went on to university who can’t really cope academically or with the pace

i will leave this now as the thread should be about supporting the OP’s poor DS plus I have to go

Getting a degree is no guarantee of anything. I know two posties in my local northern town who have Oxbridge degrees.

Good advice here.

It's also worth looking at whether he can gain any qualification from it. DM did 2 years at Uni then dropped out. I think she could use some credits. She then picked up with the Open University and got a Diploma of Higher Education in a very complicated subject.

I just put a salary of £35k into the student loan calculator and you would repay £61 a month. For context when I earned a salary of about £27k I was repaying about £100 a month.
It's like a tax not a debt.

Does he have undiagnosed issues? ADHD? He would have been at college during the Pandemic, do you think that had an effect?

Exactly. Many baristas out there have degrees. Many successful business leaders do not.

My nephew failed 2nd year, kept it from his parents for a full year, eventually it came out. He then restarted in a similar subject (went from pure maths to physics with maths) then basically failed that too. No degree awarded.
I don't understand all the reasons it happened but my brother and sil were very upset at the time.
He is now working in a brilliant (maths related) job, married with a baby and very, very happy.

I’m sorry OP, I know it’s a horrible surprise and disappointment. I don’t know your son’s situation, but I think some people just aren’t ready for uni at the same time as everyone else, but society and schools don’t recognise this until it’s “too late”.

My brother dropped out of uni (after already repeating a year) due to a mix of poor mental health and drug use. He came home and spent the next couple of years in some rubbish jobs, then in his late 20s he suddenly “grew up” and worked his way into a career that really suited him (not connected to his degree course). 10 years down the line he is very successful and earns way more than muggins who got a 2.1!

If this is the first you have heard of your ds having a problem it will be a big shock for you but it must have been incredibly hard for your ds to send you that text. It was probably not a shock for him if he knew he was struggling.

Instead of making this about your feelings, maybe focus on how your son is feeling and let him know that you’re there for him.

There’s ALWAYS options and your job as a parent is to support him and give him the confidence to not give up but to keep trying things.

Can you explain a bit more @SHMumindespair

It's very unusual to fail a degree with some warning.
Degrees are awarded (usually) on an accumulation of passes over 3 years (in many unis the first year exams don't count towards the degree pass level - ie a first, 2:1, etc.)

I think your son must have known for a long time that he wasn't performing.
No student just 'fails' without knowing they are on that path.
If he didn't pass his exams in his 2nd year, he'd have had to repeat them.

And usually there is the option to retake a year, if that's what's gone wrong.

Most students who fail have done no work at all for the duration of their course and know they are going to fail.

I also wonder why he's racked up a debt of £70K?
This is far in excess of what it would cost even allowing for tuition fees, accommodation and living expenses.
How has he got that much debt?

being allowed to almost mourn my smashed expectations. I still remember my dad gathering me up in a big hug, and saying well you've had a shit time of it haven't you love? Let's get you right. Just unconditional love and support. And that's what your son needs.

Absolutely this.

Let him know you love him. Let him know that you have absolute faith that he will sort things out one way or another. Acknowledge that it’s a big thing, while being practical and not dwelling on the past.

FWIW I failed my first degree and it was the best thing that could have happened to me. It was a wake up call that I needed. My parents were amazing, didn’t make it about them, and just supported me in making my own plans to sort it out. I now earn £300k (not a stealth boast - seems relevant to the discussion)

Hi @SHMumindespair Bless him - he is defo not a failure and neither are you.

its only failure when you stop, you have to fail forward and keep going. I know plenty of people have failed their degrees and went on to have fabulous careers. You just have to fail forward

There are so many other options. Vocational training, apprenticeships, and then in later life professional / practice based qualifications. I don't know the circumstances to what caused the result, but please don't catastrophise. 7k could be a helpful lesson (bit like how folk call failed businesses an MBA).

If your son is under 35 there will be a lot of funding and development grants that he can take advantage of depending on his interest. For instance, in Scotland we have Skills Development Scotland. One young member in our family has considered both the BBC apprenticeship and the Army (logistics) for the development and qualification opportunities.

It is disappointing but your son will have to grow up and learn the hard way, get a job and get a degree through open university if he wants to improve his earnings opportunities.

I don’t understand how universities let you go on for 4 years and then fail you; surely universities should ask kids to move after year 1 or 2 if things are not looking good? Abs how they don’t tell parents. There is something really wrong with the system

@JustPleachy please tell us what field/role (if poss) because 300k is incredible

You’re not a failure, OP, and nor is he. I wish kids weren’t routinely expected to go to university these days. It’s not necessary and it doesn’t suit everyone.

It used to be only the most academically minded 5-10% of school-leavers went to university, that’s how the state could afford to pay for them. Now it’s nearer 50%, and young people with different talents and aptitudes are pushed onto an expensive path that can’t bring out the best in them.