My son failed his university degree

[SHMumindespair]

I feel at a loss. Could I have done more? I was supposed and looking forward to a university graduation when my son sends a message that he will.jot tet a degree. He filed too many times. 4vyears. £70000 debt and no degree. Future ruined. I am.just at a loss and just crying, feeling a mix of anger, disappointment, responsibility.... I could go on but feel like a failure myself as a mother.

In this situation, can those students repeat the last year?

It's very sad for him and for you, but it does not mean his life is ruined. Plenty of people manage fine without a degree. And there is no need for you to feel responsible, unless you pushed him towards a course or subject that was wrong for him.

This is an option but it's time-limited (5 years) and you can't transfer all your credits.

If he got as far as fourth year then he’ll be eligible for some kind of award. Possibly even an ordinary (non-honours) degree.

She didn't, but I was asking due to her saying 4 years which is the length of an honours degree course here.

These things happen. He is responsible for this. For both your sakes you need to just accept it and move on.
I don’t think it means his future is ruined.
I can understand your sadness but you need just let it go. You’ve done what you can for him. You can’t do more.

Many students get a low grade but to actually totally fail is pretty rare especially in their final year. Did he discuss what was happening at all? Universities really don’t want students to fail.

I understand why you’re gutted but he’s not a child any more. He’s a grown man in his 20s, and he needs to take responsibility for this himself and work out his own plan for his future.

I get you are disappointed and worried about his future and sound angry at him. I imagine he feels the same, if he has been hiding this from you which he must have been he will be stressed and no doubt worried about disappointing you.
Speak to him, be supportive , help him, tell him he will find another path. There are other options.

My friends son dropped out during second year and they new nothing aboit it until the start of 3rd year. He had been desperately unhappy and needed their support but was worried about letting them down. He didn't let them down, he just needed to talk to them and let them help him. They worried about his health which was at the root of all this.
He is now doing really well and is happy at another college in a completely different field. There are other ways.

I work in a team handling student academic appeals and mitigation.
Are there any circumstances that would allow your son to appeal the results or seek an allowance to resit or retake the year? Did anything go wrong in exams, does he have a medical condition or disability? If you search the university website there will be information about the appeals process; appeals normally need to be initiated within 14-28 days so act quickly.

Ok deep breath. This won't have come as a surprise to him. You both need to have an honest open conversation to find out what went wrong, when and why. Find out what he has passed, and get him to see if he can be awarded a lower award (certHE or DipHE).

Given he's managed to progress through each academic year he must have some credits? Perhaps enough for a pg certificate? He should still have access to careers support at his university who can support him through this. He has paid fees so they would be irresponsible not to provide that guidance.

It will be ok. It is disappointing and not the outcome that you may have wanted. He may have credits for some of the courses (if passed) and may be able to complete another degree in a shorter space of time.

I never used my degree and went into a completely unrelated field, worked my way up and am now sitting in a well-paying job. I even took off my resume that I have a degree.

I understand your shock and distress, and the pain of all that money spent without the award at the end.

But there are positives, so please help him and yourself focus on them.

Part of the value of uni genuinely is learning to live alone away from home, meeting people, testing boundaries, finding your feet. he has done that. You are supposed to make mistakes in your late teens/early twenties. It's how we all learn. Even strict Amish communities have a yera called Rumspringe where the young men go out and do all the stuff they are not allowed to do so they can return settled. So maybe, when he is ready, in a lighthearted way, ask what he has learned, not what he hasn't - everything from sorting his own rent and utilities to cooking pasta.

Unless he never turned up and failed every single module, he can transfer all the modules he passed as credits to an OU degree and top it up over time, if he wants to. Are you sure he didn;t even get a pass degree without honours. He might want to check with uni staff. It is possible to simply 'pass' without honours at a much lower level. (Or it used to be. Should be, but they don't always advertise it. Or he may have built enough credits to have passed a Cert HE in his subject if that is an option. Encourage him to check with the relevant uni staff to see what he can salvage academically from the experience.

And as some previous posters have said: loads of people thrive in the world, in highly paid jobs, without degrees.

Due to appalling circumstances, a relative of mine went from being a fully funded scholar expected to gain a first to a drop out who scraped a third. They are now the highest earner in our family of people with Firsts. Academic excellence isn't automatically much of a measure of success outside academia!

I'd want a child of mine to properly take stock of what went wrong and sort out any underlying issues such as ADHD, autism, depression, drug-taking, anxiety, processing disorders, Chronic fatigue - etc. If there was a background issue, it needs to be addressed now, at the beginning of his adult life.

But best support you can offer, alongside encouraging him to salvage what he can and sort out the reasons, is to assure him there are many roads to thriving at life and he now needs to grow up and sort out which he wants to set out on.

Start googling people who failed / lost it all and then came back being uber successful. It is soooo important you do not pass your feelings of this being the end of the world to him - because its not. He just needs to work out why things didn't work out - what he's going to learn from this experience and in particular what he has learned about himself - his likes and dislikes.

Some of the most successful people in the world failed school / dropped out of uni - lost all their money on stupid ideas - and have come back again from the experience. You really need to support him now emotionally so he believes this is not the end of the world - or he will fall into despair and that will be much much harder for him to recover from because he will start a pattern of something.

And check he is not neurodiverse / has ADHD / exec function problems as if hes bright enough to get into uni there must be a reason he has been failing.

One of those underlying issues (ADHD) turned out to be what I was struggling with, didn't find it for another 20 years though. 🙈

Give him a cuddle. The debt is irrelevant as he either earns well enough to repay or doesn’t. Huge numbers will never repay it all. Just make sure he is ok and go from there. You do seem to feel it is about you and that may have made it harder for him to tell you. It’s not about either of you failing at all but sounds like you need to work on communication with each other which you can both get right from here.

Has he though? So many of ours don't tell their parents they've failed and are retaking a year.

Op, loads of advice here. Deep breath. It might feel like it but it’s not the end of the world. And it’s not down to you. Hang on in there, let him talk to you. Make sure he knows you love him whatever.

It must be really disappointing and worrying but you are being ridiculous to think that this means he has ruined his life. It's simply not true and it's dramatic. He may have made things more tricky but there are still going to be lots of things he can do.

Are you prepared to share any details, such as the type of degree? How were his A'levels?

Is his mental health ok?

I understand that you must be sad about it though. I would be too. I'd probably feel angry too especially if I had supported him financially. Just keep reminding yourself that it will almost certainly be ok in the future.

It has come as a surprise and a shock to you OP, but your son will have been well aware of the situation for some time.

However, it is his mess to solve , not yours, he needs to find out from student services what if anything , can be salvaged in the way of credit for a lower qualification , in the meantime he needs to think about how he is going to support himself either temporarily or as a long term career.

Poor lad, he must have been having such a hard time for quite a long time. You need to put any anger and disappointment aside and be there for him.
Do look into the possibility of underlying problems such as depression. I had not the same but a bit similar experience at his age. I was expected to get a 2:1 and just scraped a third. I'd basically become a recluse in my final year, and was found later to have depression and ADHD. I thought it was the end of the world, but it wasn't, and I went on to have a very good life, just retired after a successful career. Counselling helped. And support from my partner and parents. And being allowed to almost mourn my smashed expectations. I still remember my dad gathering me up in a big hug, and saying well you've had a shit time of it haven't you love? Let's get you right. Just unconditional love and support. And that's what your son needs.

Very good.

It's not a complete waste - I think your credits do count towards other things. And he will have gained transferable skills during that time too - researching / referencing / report writing etc.

Although I can absolutely understand your upset.

Ultimately, it is absolutely on him. He's a grown man. There's no need to beat yourself up x

I can understand why you’re upset. My eldest dropped out in year 3, lots of money owed, lots of my money wasted. But he’s got himself
a good job now and in October starts an OU degree. He’s 30 now and a lot more mature than he was when he went to Uni at 18. He made some wrong choices but it’s all worked out. I tried to hide my disappointment as his mental health was my priority as he didn’t need to know he had disappointed his mum too. When he told me he was doing his OU degree he said he would finish the same time as my youngest and I will have 3 degree photos in my living room one day. And I’d love that. But more than that I want 3 happy kids. Things will work out.