My son failed his university degree

[SHMumindespair]

I feel at a loss. Could I have done more? I was supposed and looking forward to a university graduation when my son sends a message that he will.jot tet a degree. He filed too many times. 4vyears. £70000 debt and no degree. Future ruined. I am.just at a loss and just crying, feeling a mix of anger, disappointment, responsibility.... I could go on but feel like a failure myself as a mother.

Is there no way students can re-sit modules? Or convert them to a different qualification? Or use what they did pass and take other modules?

Dial down the exaggeration here. His future is not ruined. I hope you are being more positive and supportive IRL.

I know of a family where the DC was too frightened to tell the parents they had failed and only plucked up courage on the morning of the graduation ceremony when they were expecting to get the tickets. Graduation lunch, everything booked. The DC had been ill and once all the upset was dealt with and they got help over the summer, they retook the final year and did really well and went on to post graduate study.

Please try to manage your emotions and follow the great advice from @SOWK upthread.

70K student loan debt isn’t what a normal debt is. He will only have to repay small
amounts and only after he earns a certain amount. So don’t catastrophise about that.

Presumably he’ll get an exit degree of some sort, though that isn’t very prestigious. “Failed too many times” doesn’t sound like a sudden thing - this must have been coming for a while. Universities don’t chuck someone out if they did brilliantly for 3 years and then messed up once. I assume he was repeating the year, if in England? So this must have been a serious possibility for quite a while now.

I’m sorry for your situation. I’d be furious, but honestly this is not on you but solely on him.

His life is NOT ruined. That is overly dramatic. Nor have you failed as a parent, and please don't let him hear you talking in such terms. My DH dropped out of uni but has had a great job I financial services in the City of London ever since. He is now approaching retirement.

Concentrate on helping your DS in a non-judgemental way. Maybe academia wasn't really his bag? Maybe he tried to go along with it because he felt it was expected of him? Maybe the course was wrong for him? Maybe he has been struggling mentally and hasn't told you? Any number of circumstances could have conspired to render him unable to make a go of it.

He now needs your unconditional love and support as he works out the way forward.

Having a degree isn't the be all and end all.

Similar circumstance here but no life is ruined, its just a bump on the journey. Eldest did A-levels during the pandemic and hated the online learning. Grades not as predicted but they were desperate to move on to uni so did not listen to suggestions of a year out to think or maybe even do resits. Part of first year failed and needed to be resat, decided to change course before results showed they had not passed the resit. Adamant they still wanted to continue on the new course. Went radio silent I remember chatting to a colleague and saying I wouldnt be surprised if they’ve dropped out but not said anything yet.
Sure enough that is exactly what had happened. Now home and trying to decide on next steps. I feel that ADHD is quite likely but they wont entertain the idea of an assessment. I have no idea of the extent of the student debt that is the consequence of their decisions and theirs to pay off. I feel our role in this is to keep supporting, making suggestions but ultimately at 21 it is their problem to deal with.

Please don’t be so dramatic, it’s not going to help your son cope. I failed my first degree, I was distraught and it turned me off education until 15 years later when I finally found enough courage to go back, now I’m on a doctorate course. The course was likely not for him, he will need to find something that suits his skills more naturally.

Given your genuine upset, I will say it gently - you are being a bit over dramatic here op. His life is not ruined - and it’s not your fault anyway, he’s the one who failed! He can resit and turn this round, it really is not the end of the world. And even if he doesn’t, it will all still be ok. Take a breath, reassure him, and calmly assess his options (I hope you are not being so over-the-top to his face? He will likely feel bad enough). People fail exams all the time. Some people resit, pass, and go to have a great career (me), other don’t bother to resit, and also on to have a great career (friends of mine).

I went to uni with someone who failed in the last year. He still got some certificate. But his parents reaction DESTROYED him. So be kind.

This is societies fault... Telling young people they "must" go to university as the next step in their education.
Uni lecturers see so many disengaged, uninterested, absent pupils.

The OPs son failing will not be a surprise to the son... The writing will have been in the wall for years now.... He was an idiot to carry on.

£70,000 debt for 4 years = £17,500 a year.
Is that a normal, average student debt now??

Please don't tell him he has ruined his future !
He does not need a degree to measure his success in life , plenty of people have achieved vast success without one and anyway how do you consider success ?
Being healthy happy and fulfilled in general is surely all you want for your children.
I hope you offer him a safe haven to reassess his life and plans proactively without shame and criticism.

Maybe he took out loans for living costs, rent etc

It won’t have been a surprise to him. Non completion is a ballache for universities- we do everything we can to pass them (I work in HE). He will have had multiple chances. If he’s not been honest with you I’d be more bothered by that to be honest.

He’s a grown up, the responsibility is his. Yes parental support helps but you can’t do it for him.

We had to fail one recently because of repeated plagiarism- I have no sympathy for that. He completely lied to his parents about why (based on their ranting). The ones with ill health (physical and mental) or learning difference/disability get all the support and attempts we can muster within the regs.

Yes for many courses and it will only get worse.

It is isn't it? They get about £9000 for a loan and another about £9000 for their fees which goes straight to the university but the student still has to pay it back.

Does he get a certification for the years he did successfully?

It is a shame and he must feel awful but you can assure him that education is never wasted. He has still learned all those things even if he hasn't got the degree at the end of it. And he can learn a lot from this failure too and that can also benefit him. He can assess what he did wrong and learn from that.

Yes, if they take out a loan for both fees and accommodation.

Long time since I was at Uni but some students left after 2 years with a Diploma ( and I remember the one in my group who did this went straight into a job) 4 years was for an honours degree and we had to get certain grades to be accepted into year 4. A 3 year ordinary degree was the main option and most went for this. So all may not be lost.
And I can understand you being disappointed but please make it all about supporting your son, helping him find other options. Keep your disappointment from him.

I wouldn’t say his life was ruined but he’s either been very idle or on the wrong course. He might need to sort his work ethic out for his future. He wouldn’t be getting much more financial support from me.

Just another perspective with a trigger warning for suicide. Scroll past if you want/need:

in my university town, there was a cliff that was known as a student suicide hot-spot.
As bad as failing a degree is, there are far more devastating things that can happen in life. First and foremost, let him know you'll support him regardless of his uni results, and make sure he's OK.

You're not a failure. Absolutely not. Must be so hard but we can only take a horse to water. This might be the massive wake up he needs...

Sorry for the confusion on the numbers. That’s a lot of money.

His degree is not about you. It’s not about your emotions. It’s not about your parenting. You need to accept this and calm down.

All you can do is support him in his decisions going forwards, and encourage him to just try his best in whatever he decides to do next. That’s what parenting is about.

I passed my degree my 2018. But I wouldn’t say the result has anything to do with my successes. My successes were living independently in a new city. Meeting new people from different walks of life and cultures. Travelling. Gaining confidence.

There is so so so much more to life than a piece of paper with a pass mark on.

Don’t worry about the debt. Honestly.

Life is way too short to be distraught over this.