Misery at Exeter

[ExeterWoes]

Looking for perspectives really. And I've namechanged as I had a very identifying thread back in the day...

My daughter was thrilled to get A's at A level and get her firm choice of Exeter uni. She's been wanting to go for years and when we visited on offers day she was really excited at the thought of going there. We went to all her offer uni open days and Exeter won her heart (offers were from Sheffield, UEA, Sussex and York as well as Exeter). She worked really hard because she was so focussed on getting her offer grades.

I took her there on Saturday, she moved in to her room in her chosen halls - great room, great view, everything she was hoping for. Flatmates seemed a bit unfriendly but we wrote it off as nerves.

She has just called me in tears and is hating it. She feels like it really isn't the place for her. She's been out with people, she's talked to loads of societies, she just totally feels like a fish out of water. For the record she is quite alternative looking - short hair, piercings, a few (small) tattoos, dresses in baggy tees, combats and sweatshirts. She feels she really doesn't fit in and is not feeling very welcomed by either her flatmates or any of the societies she's been interested in. She's also gay and very open about it which she feels has made her an outlier in her apartment. She's not sporty and never has been so meeting friends that way isn't an option.

She has already spoken to UEA which was her second favourite and they will take her for her chosen course but she has to make the decision by tomorrow midday... which is very soon. Also there's no accommodation left on campus, only in Norwich centre which feels like it could be another mistake if she's away from everyone else. I'm not so worried about UEA itself - I loved it there on the offer visit and I remember saying to her that it felt like a fantastic place to go. I also think she may actually be happier there... just a feeling though, I have no real proof of this.

My son, who is just about to start second year at Sheffield Uni, thinks she should give it another week/two weeks and then drop out and take a year out rather than make a hurried decision to go to UEA. He had a gap year and loved it, loved applying with grades in hand but then he did his A'levels in 2021 and loads of them had a gap year just to have a bit of normal life after covid lockdown times. He also landed himself an ace job in the industry he wanted to work in eventually so it wasn't a hardship for him. He also said he always thought Exeter was a weird choice for her.

She's quite fragile - has had history of self harm and depression and the last thing I want for her is to be unhappy. But equally, I don't want her to rush into something she may regret. Neither my husband or myself went to uni - we are so proud of her but we have no real experience in this.

It's so far away from us too - I can't just get in the car and go to her.

Two days is way too soon to decide. It took me at least a couple of months to settle. She needs to give it more time. She’ll find her tribe over time.

Sorry to hear about your DD, it’s awful worrying about them when you’re far from home- my DS is going into his second year and 4.5 hours away.

I agree with your DS tbh. No way would I go for UEA without campus accommodation. She’ll be more isolated there and probably find herself feeling the same as she does now.

I’d find out from the uni when she has to make a decision- I have a vague feeling that if they drop out in the first two weeks they don’t owe fees? But please confirm that!! I am not at all sure about it.

You don’t want to wait too long in case she is then billed for the whole year- I think they get 1 ‘spare’ year of funding if necessary to deal with repeating a year or similar- if she uses up her ‘spare’ year by hanging on she won’t have it if she needs it later on.

Good luck with whatever she decides

You poor thing, how stressful for you all! First thing, I have a niece at Exeter, who from your description is very like your DD in appearance, she is also gay, I don’t know how long it took her to find her soulmates, but she absolutely has and they have a blast together, so there are people like your DD out there. My DD has also just started university –she is quite a chameleon and good at blending in, but is finding it a bit stressful a few days down the line, it sounds like there is a lot of judgement between the students – I get the impression more than there was back in my day , but everybody is finding it tough no matter how much they are trying to mask it!

in your position, I would go with your DS’s advice. Moving to UEA now could be out of the frying pan, especially if the accommodation issue was as he described it’s a marathon not a Sprint as I keep telling my DD, she needs to join things like the LGBTQ society and start finding her people. They are there!! But good luck xx okay

I know someone who went to Exeter and hated it and was miserable. And she’s one of the loveliest, friendly people I know. It’s a campus university isn’t it? and they are very different from other universities. They develop a particular culture I think, and I imagine it can be harder to fit in.

I would change to the other uni if you think it might be a better fit.

i spent some time visiting a friend at a campus uni and I would have hated it there. There are not for everyone.

If she's gay could she try going along to the LGBT society? She might meet some more "alternative" folk there?

I agree that she might find some support at the LGBTQ society.
Exeter always comes across as a preppy university so I'm a bit surprised your dd didn't pick up on this when she was looking around.

I'd probably say she should stay and make the most of it, it's such early days. Your ds is not wrong, a gap year could also be a goo idea.

Could she transfer to Sussex? It’s a lovely university for queer students. Email admissions.

I think Exeter has a fairly well-deserved reputation for being a 'posh' uni and full of students who aren't the most diverse group. There certainly are groups on campus that are not like that and I'm sure your dd would gravitate to them over time. She's not wrong, though, about the general vibe.

I think either taking a gap year or taking up UEA could be fine- lots of people drop out so perhaps your dd could pick up some on campus/first-year accommodation if there's a waiting list within a couple of weeks, even at the best unis there's always a bit of movement in those first couple of weeks.

I think she'll make a go of it either way, but I know where she's coming from, she's not completely making it up!

Not really. It’s a 5-10 min walk into the small city.

Op I would advise her to persevere. It’s very early days. Of all the YP I know who have started various Unis, the first week or so is a trial. Most feel unsettled and out of place. Once she joins societies and starts her course she’ll meet others she likes. It’s chin up and be chilled. Encourage her to try different events. Exeter is a big campus so she’ll find her people. She can always move flats after a few weeks as people drop out or want to swap. They’ll also have an LGBT society where she can feel supported. Don’t pluck her out of there, as hard as it is not to.

She has not found her crowd yet, poor girl

i think Exeter is very much a Uni that attracts private school and posh middle-class background kids, the types that are sporty, might do a gap yah, a ski season, etc etc. Stereotypes, I know! But for a more “alternative” LGBTQ child not always a good fit, I did steer my own kids away from Exeter as a choice for that reason.

BUT it is still very early days, and how can she know the other Uni would even be a better fit?

despite my stream of consciousness above (I know I’ll get slated for it) , I am sure there must be a few other kids like her? She just has to find them

could she give it a bit more time?

I personally think your DD should give it a bit more time. I started Exeter University (albeit 21 years ago) and felt very much the same as your DD during the first week. I came from a very working class background and am also quite "alternative" looking, and felt like a fish out of water in an apartment full of people from upper middle class backgrounds. I remember calling my mum and crying the first week as I felt so lonely and couldn't afford to get involved in all the activities the rest of my flatmates were doing. I gave it time though and I met my people eventually (mainly through my course) and had an absolutely fantastic time. I wouldn't change my experience for the world now - it's a beautiful campus and I have great memories of my time there. I met my husband on my course and he now works there and we go back regularly to visit 🙂

If they drop out within 2 weeks they dont incur fees, My daughter did this , you will incur some accomodation costs. Let her come home take a year out work and travel and go next year.
This is also what my daughter did and worked out well, good luck

There is lovely FB group called something - things I wish I knew about university of you PM me I can send you the link and maybe some mums from there can ask their daughters and sons to help her settle in? (It seems to be a common post) she will find her tribe and two days isn’t long enough but be led by her! UWE has an awesome reputation for being super friendly and hopefully she will be able to get someone’s accommodation space

UEA with no accommodation sounds a dreadful option.

She won't be liable for fees if she leaves in the first two weeks, and I'm guessing term starts on Monday, so she has two weeks from then to make a decision. So - she needs to stick it out for the next two weeks, try and find her tribe (and yes I can see they might be a little harder to find than say Sussex, or a uni in a larger city). Has she met anyone from the LGBT Soc?

FWIW I gather that UEA have problems with RACC on campus so a fair number of students even first years are in off-campus accommodation. Good luck to your DD making her decision!

She could also think about transferring to their Penryn campus in Cornwall if they offer her course down there? Falmouth is quite studenty and alternative as a town and in first year they share halls students from with Falmouth Uni which shares the campus. It’s focussed on the arts, so a broader range perhaps than the main campus. It is a much smaller place though, so completely different offering socially!

its a long time since I was at uni but I remember being in my room feeling so homesick and lonely on my birthday (which would have been maybe 2 weeks in), and feeling like I’d never fit in. And then a girl from down the hall showed up with a birthday cake, and we’re still friends now. 2 days is very, very early. I know it’s so hard but she still has time to find her tribe.

gosh thank you for all the replies - I agree it seems like no time at all to make such a huge decision.

She said she met the LGBTQ society but didn't click.

On open day they were very VERY keen to state that, despite rumours, it really wasn't the preppy posh place that everyone thought it was. But she was with her girlfriend and another school mate and high on the loveliness of the campus and her course so may have glossed over that aspect. Certainly on drop off we were very conscious of all the very expensive cars around us and the crystal glasses and fresh herbs in the kitchen!

Do NOT switch to UAE with no accommodation. Your son is right, give it at least a month and if she still hates it then take a year out and apply with grades in hand. It happens. Try not to worry too much. X

She thought she'd LOVE Sussex but didn't. I had assumed it would be right up her street but no. It really was UEA or Exeter for her, with a complete determination to get to Exeter.

In all likelihood, if she moves to UEA someone else is probably going to drop out there & leave halls creating a space. So I wouldn’t base it on halls availability.

Exeter is preppy from its small campus nature but she can find her clique - it just might take time.

I live in Sheffield.

She’s fit right in here. It’s a very alternative green type city. Several Greens on the city council.

She needs to give it a term at least. There must be some sort of ‘Gaysoc’ or whatever it might be called these days. Two days is nothing.

I know it’s hard but she really needs to give it time. It’s a big university with a lot of students. She will find some.
What did she love about it at first?
She may regret leaving.

What about suggesting the counselling service there, accessed through their student well being services. My husband struggled early on on his course and he found it very helpful. That experience informed his experience so much, that when our daughter was struggling she also found counselling services which helped her. It's very early days also though, for your dear daughter.