Misery at Exeter

[ExeterWoes]

Looking for perspectives really. And I've namechanged as I had a very identifying thread back in the day...

My daughter was thrilled to get A's at A level and get her firm choice of Exeter uni. She's been wanting to go for years and when we visited on offers day she was really excited at the thought of going there. We went to all her offer uni open days and Exeter won her heart (offers were from Sheffield, UEA, Sussex and York as well as Exeter). She worked really hard because she was so focussed on getting her offer grades.

I took her there on Saturday, she moved in to her room in her chosen halls - great room, great view, everything she was hoping for. Flatmates seemed a bit unfriendly but we wrote it off as nerves.

She has just called me in tears and is hating it. She feels like it really isn't the place for her. She's been out with people, she's talked to loads of societies, she just totally feels like a fish out of water. For the record she is quite alternative looking - short hair, piercings, a few (small) tattoos, dresses in baggy tees, combats and sweatshirts. She feels she really doesn't fit in and is not feeling very welcomed by either her flatmates or any of the societies she's been interested in. She's also gay and very open about it which she feels has made her an outlier in her apartment. She's not sporty and never has been so meeting friends that way isn't an option.

She has already spoken to UEA which was her second favourite and they will take her for her chosen course but she has to make the decision by tomorrow midday... which is very soon. Also there's no accommodation left on campus, only in Norwich centre which feels like it could be another mistake if she's away from everyone else. I'm not so worried about UEA itself - I loved it there on the offer visit and I remember saying to her that it felt like a fantastic place to go. I also think she may actually be happier there... just a feeling though, I have no real proof of this.

My son, who is just about to start second year at Sheffield Uni, thinks she should give it another week/two weeks and then drop out and take a year out rather than make a hurried decision to go to UEA. He had a gap year and loved it, loved applying with grades in hand but then he did his A'levels in 2021 and loads of them had a gap year just to have a bit of normal life after covid lockdown times. He also landed himself an ace job in the industry he wanted to work in eventually so it wasn't a hardship for him. He also said he always thought Exeter was a weird choice for her.

She's quite fragile - has had history of self harm and depression and the last thing I want for her is to be unhappy. But equally, I don't want her to rush into something she may regret. Neither my husband or myself went to uni - we are so proud of her but we have no real experience in this.

It's so far away from us too - I can't just get in the car and go to her.

It’s very early days…. I agree with your son. Give it time and if she still hates it withdraw and start fresh somewhere else later.

I was in a similar position that I had worked so hard to get to Sheffield Uni and when i started I was massively homesick. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt so so isolated and lonely. Nothing was fun and I hated freshers week. I finally plucked up the courage to tell my parents, i felt like such a failure. They were amazing! They said to give it two weeks and if I still wasn't happy they'd come straight up and get me, no more questions asked. They also came up the following weekend and helped me make my room more homely. Unsurprisingly once I had a get out option I suddenly didn't feel so suffocated and lonely. I ended up having the best three years ever! Homesickness is crippling and sometimes it takes a bit of time to realise that is what it is. Good luck to her. You sound like a fab parent 😀

There are loads of options before she considers leaving.
There are often transfers available in halls. The chances that everyone clicks in every flat is impossible. She could always enquire about a move.

What course is she doing? Does it have many contact hours? If so she'll make friends that way. Similarly, are there club nights or music events more suited to her tastes?

Or if there are social spaces in her halls can she take a book and a coffee and see if she can get chatting to anyone else looking a bit lost.

The minute she makes one friend it will transform her experience.

She also shouldn't be afraid to contact student support. Retention rates are important to universities and they will want to help her find a way to settle..

@ExeterWoes
I'm in Exeter - there's an Instagram group which might benefit her, @exeter.girl
Not aimed at students, set up by a local woman for friendship, meet ups, activities etc. Might be worth her looking outside students to find her tribe. Exeter isn't posh, but a lot of the students at the uni are!

Please encourage her to stick it out for at least a few weeks - she hasn't even started the course yet! She needs to go to a few lectures, meet her course mates and do some socialising. She might have joined some societies (great!) but she can't have actually gone along to any events yet. She should have gone along to watch the rugby with her new flatmates, just to have a drink with them and be friendly.

She would be crazy to give up a place in halls and move to a completely different uni where everyone else will have already made friends.

She did go out with them and watch the rugby... she has been socialising with them but she says they're just not being very friendly. It was something I picked up on when I dropped her but just put it down to nerves on their part. I was hoping once they were all in it would settle down.

She's better than me, I've watched rugby once in my life and that was once too much!

My dd cried on the phone every week until Christmas when she began uni.
She ended up loving her uni and made v good friends.

I know she wasn’t taken with Sussex but it may be worth taking another look. Brighton itself is a fantastic city and the University of Sussex is really diverse. She’d definitely find lots of interesting societies to join and meet like minded friends easily.

When you say she loved this uni and loved UEA second best, what exactly did she love about these unis? You also say she hated Sussex. But two days in, she's hating uni. Is the general experience just not what she expected?

Moving unis after two days without accommodation just because she hasn't "clicked" with anyone two days in seems like a worse plan.

The thing is that many students find it difficult to settle at university, even those who appear to be confident and self assured. Depression is rife among freshers.
When I started university many years ago, I was absolutely miserable . The girls in my student accommodation were nice enough, but I didn’t gel with them for some reason.
I made tearful phone calls to my mother on a daily basis and she asked me to persevere.
Things got better but it took a good three to four months
I think that your dd should give it a bit more time . The problem is if she leaves now there is no guarantee that things would be better at UEA. However, if she stays at Exeter she would have lost the opportunity to take up the place at UEA.

Exeter can be quite a snooty university and can have it's cliques. I think a move would probably work in her interests. I don't know what UEA is like.

It’s way too soon to change , your son is the only one talking sense . She needs to carry on for a bit and then leave once she’s given it a proper try . I have a few friends who have children who went to Exeter and they were def not posh . Quite honestly , just because watching rugby isn’t your thing , most people trying to make friends and fit in would have gone and given it a try as you are making yourself the outsider .

It's really hard to know whether to stick it out and it will (probably) be fine or cut your losses.

I think it's much harder now that much more accommodation is in self-catered flats. It means you're stuck with people you may or may not like and it's harder to bump into other people you may get in with better. Back in the day, I was on a corridor with more people than you'd get in a flat and there was a central dining hall for hundreds of students who loved in ten various nearby blocks. Much easier to see and meet far more people.

My boy hated his first term. I was expecting him to throw in the towel any minute. He’s just starting his third year and is dreading the end of the course. Once he found his tribe he started having the time of his life. Your son’s spot on @ExeterWoes.

I think the distance between Exeter and home is an issue in itself and making a decision on the hoof would be wrong plus she has the accommodation problem too.

there is something in your sons advice- I’d ask her to go to lectures and if she still hates it before the fees kick in, the id drop out get some work experience and reapply next year. At least then she’ll be a year older and less likely to be seduced by glossy open days.

She hasn’t even been there a whole week. Why are so many people suggesting changing university etc?

it does take time to settle in and figure out if it’s the place for you. She hasn’t even started the course at this point. Loads of new students are feeling lost and lonely and out of place right now - just as they were when we were students.

She doesn’t have to make firm, lifelong friends with her immediate flat mates. She’s going to meet a lot more people and have lots of different opportunities to figure out who she is and where she belongs.

Be the steadying and reassuring parent and don’t panic because her dreams about what Exeter university would be like have not been immediately and fully realised.

DC just started at Exeter.
The experience is very different so far. He's very middle class admittedly (but state school etc) but the other students we met at drop off were from a wide range of backgrounds and appearances etc.
I would say it's too soon. (Ironically I know more people at UEA then at Exeter and they are posher and less inclusive than anyone I know at Exeter. I don't think that's a reflection of UEA but probably a reflection of the fact that she's not yet met everyone and her tribe will be there somewhere).

Just to say the accommodation she would be in at UEA is really lovely. It’s right in the City Centre and due to the concrete issue on Campus they have relocated loads of students so she definitely wouldn’t be isolated. Norwich is a lovely city (I live there) and she definitely wouldn’t feel an outlier there.

My DS also did A levels this year and decided on a Gap Year due to waiting for remarks and also because he felt his Firm Choice Uni was wrong for him too. We’d only booked the accommodation so not so far down the road as your DD. He had to make the decision very quickly too but honestly it’s the best thing for him.

There's a fb page called Things I wish I'd known at university which will be a great help to you. It seems.to be very common for your dd to feel like this. Good luck

I think she needs to give it time - she could be best friends with her flat mates in a few months time. They don’t need to have lots in common - but I think it’s all very new and she should give it a chance.

@ExeterWoes my partners daughter is in her third year at Exeter. She is also quite alternative and gay. Has your DD friend the LBGTQ+ society and also Femsoc my partners DD found femsoc particularly good. It does seem to be dominated by well off privately educated students but her people are there! She just needs to find them. But also mental health very much comes first and you know her well, if it’s too much for now it’s too much.

I remember my first week of uni writing a letter to my best friend, in tears, total what have I done feeling. Like your daughter I’d spent 2 years with that as my only goal.

it was just teething problems, lots of people feel the same. If you’re coming from the only home you’ve known, and especially as it sounds like you’re a lovely close supportive family, it can be a really hard transition! I would recommend finding out about funding deadlines and then try and stick it out for a bit. If she still hates it in a few weeks, come home, gap year, try again next year. Perhaps go and stay in uni towns as a trial run before next year.

good luck anyway, I hope she gets settled.m whatever decision she takes.

I can relate so much to this post! 18 years ago I was in the same position when I started at Exeter Uni. Like a previous poster I’m a northerner and from a very ordinary working class background and I felt like a fish out of water among all the well heeled, Home Counties students. I remember wanting to transfer to Liverpool Uni in my first week as I hated it so much. It took the first year for me to settle. I stuck it out though and went on to meet my DH and 18 years later we’re still here in Exeter having stayed after uni and we now call it home.
I think your sons advice is the most sensible in this situation. I’d see how she feels in a couple of weeks and take it from there. If she still hates it then a gap year might be for the best to give her time to reevaluate and perhaps visit friends at other Uni’s etc to see what student life might be like elsewhere.
Sending lots of good wishes - I really hope it works out for her!

I think she should give it time- v early days .

I know a couple of young folk at Exeter- they are not posh or sporty, and are v down to earth. They did pick the cheapest accommodation though.

Equally I remember turning up at uni back in the 80s and feeling intimidated by the alternative looking goths of the day. The one on my course turned out to be a hard working girl who wanted to go into library work. First impressions can be misleading.

She may well find that the grass is not greener if she panics and jumps ship
for UAE less than a week in.

It will be a huge transition that doesn’t match her dreams (but ultimately may improve on them!) wherever she goes to university.

starting her course will change her view of what the university is like. Getting in to the rhythm of being at university outside of freshers week (which bears no resemblance to normal university life) will help her to find her place.

its very easy to panic a few days in when she’s away from home for the first time and doesn’t yet have a friendship group for support. It takes time to find that - and it usually isn’t the people allocated to the same flat as them.