Misery at Exeter

[ExeterWoes]

Looking for perspectives really. And I've namechanged as I had a very identifying thread back in the day...

My daughter was thrilled to get A's at A level and get her firm choice of Exeter uni. She's been wanting to go for years and when we visited on offers day she was really excited at the thought of going there. We went to all her offer uni open days and Exeter won her heart (offers were from Sheffield, UEA, Sussex and York as well as Exeter). She worked really hard because she was so focussed on getting her offer grades.

I took her there on Saturday, she moved in to her room in her chosen halls - great room, great view, everything she was hoping for. Flatmates seemed a bit unfriendly but we wrote it off as nerves.

She has just called me in tears and is hating it. She feels like it really isn't the place for her. She's been out with people, she's talked to loads of societies, she just totally feels like a fish out of water. For the record she is quite alternative looking - short hair, piercings, a few (small) tattoos, dresses in baggy tees, combats and sweatshirts. She feels she really doesn't fit in and is not feeling very welcomed by either her flatmates or any of the societies she's been interested in. She's also gay and very open about it which she feels has made her an outlier in her apartment. She's not sporty and never has been so meeting friends that way isn't an option.

She has already spoken to UEA which was her second favourite and they will take her for her chosen course but she has to make the decision by tomorrow midday... which is very soon. Also there's no accommodation left on campus, only in Norwich centre which feels like it could be another mistake if she's away from everyone else. I'm not so worried about UEA itself - I loved it there on the offer visit and I remember saying to her that it felt like a fantastic place to go. I also think she may actually be happier there... just a feeling though, I have no real proof of this.

My son, who is just about to start second year at Sheffield Uni, thinks she should give it another week/two weeks and then drop out and take a year out rather than make a hurried decision to go to UEA. He had a gap year and loved it, loved applying with grades in hand but then he did his A'levels in 2021 and loads of them had a gap year just to have a bit of normal life after covid lockdown times. He also landed himself an ace job in the industry he wanted to work in eventually so it wasn't a hardship for him. He also said he always thought Exeter was a weird choice for her.

She's quite fragile - has had history of self harm and depression and the last thing I want for her is to be unhappy. But equally, I don't want her to rush into something she may regret. Neither my husband or myself went to uni - we are so proud of her but we have no real experience in this.

It's so far away from us too - I can't just get in the car and go to her.

I went to UEA (quite a long time ago admittedly) and I think your DD would fit right in. It’s quite progressive and very welcoming as a uni and an amazing city. I also lived at the hall in the city centre for my first semester and made some good friends, but moved onto campus when a room came available. Just thought I’d share my experience!

Me too! Met in the second week of our first year & been together ever since.

Google the Phoenix arts centre in Exeter, it has a massive SteamPunk New Year's Party.
Then in the area near the Picturehouse Arts Cinema you will find all the retro clothing shops, second hand guitar shop in the arcade, quirky cafes.
Have a walk down there. If she can spot someone with a similar vibe on campus it would be a great place to explore.
And look up which bands are playing at the Lemon Grove and elsewhere, must be an indie disco somewhere.
Best wishes!

We were shown round UEA by a gay student a couple of years ago who told us how disappointed his parents were that he didn’t take Bath’s offer as it was higher up the league tables

Clever chap explained that he needed to be where he felt he fitted in and would thrive

Smarter than his parents.

I don’t buy the argument that it’s ok to be at a uni where you don’t feel you fit with the majority, she should go where she will thrive

Tell her to go to The Cavern in town, I worked there behind the bar to pay myself way through Exeter and met some lovely locals and more normal non posh people.
Funnily enough I made some very good friends in my hall and we still see each other 30 years later. There was one particular girl in our halls who was very posh, confident, had worked in a ski resort and done an internship somewhere who really intimidated me. She had left by Christmas so it must have been all a show whereas I graduated 3 years later. I found my tribe in the end, lovely normal people, and it is really lovely getting a train to the beach in the summer

Hello to all the 90s Exeter grads on here!

While I was there, LaFrowda was for the freaks, outcasts and international students. It's where I ended up in the third year, but I met some lovely people.

Things feel a lot better when lectures start, as they give a sense of purpose and something else to focus on aside from the social element.

I also got tickets to all the gigs I could in the first term and went to some alone but it was fine and met people

This is right when home sickness sets in! I had a flatmate that sobbed every day for 3 weeks until they settled in. There's a reason you're advised not to visit.

It may well not be the right place for her, but at this point no place will.

Feel for you and your DD, OP. It's awful to know that they are struggling. Hope she has some clarity in the morning and makes a decision that will work. The flatmates being chilly would bother me but it is such early days.

Exeter university has a brilliant caving club, which is full of alternative people of every kind if it’s like any caving club Ive been to. Good place to join!

With respect, I disagree! ( not, of course, about life being too short to be miserable, I agree there) But I feel 2 days is simply not long enough to really make a decision. I can sympathise- I was miserable for the first few weeks of University, and thought I had made such a mistake, but someone wise told me to try not to set too much store by my immediate feelings as they could change- and they did. I think you’re in such a state of discombobulation anyway when you first go- it is a big life event after all- that it is not a good time to make such a big decision. I really feel for you and your DS OP, and hope things feel better for you both soon.

DD I meant!

I work with lots of Exeter students and your DD’s experience is not surprising tbh.
I also studied at UEA! And personally I think she may well be happier there.
I would probably suggest giving it a try up to the two week deadline, if it’s not working I’d apply for UEA for 2024 entry and go travelling.

Does Exeter still have indiesoc? Used to be called Catfish...

I've heard Exeter students can be a bit public schooly in the worse possible way. Agree join LGBT society or move somewhere less conservative.

I didn’t go to Exeter but I did go to a similarly posh uni and it was a massive culture shock. I also cried on the phone in the first week! This post really took me back. I did find my people though and I’m glad I didn’t leave. I had a part time job which helped as I met people from the actual city not just in the student bubble.

Have you said what course it is? If it's one of the more arty ones she might meet more of her tribe at lectures. I know a lovely girl who has just started there doing film and English. Hope she meets her. They'd get on for sure.

Which subject is she reading?

Once classes are underway, there will be opportunities to be things like Class Rep.

In the meantime, I see that the University offers appointments for students needing support - she should try to book in.

https://www.exeter.ac.uk/students/wellbeing/resources-and-services/appointments/

I didn't study at Exeter myself, but I did stay on its campus for a week one summer with a group of friends. It's a nice place.

I hope that she feels more hopeful very soon.

May be she could cover up her tatoos and remove her piercings to fit in - not that she has to but it can be a very useful life skill to change yourself to fit in with others. No one needs to know if she goes to bed with girls or boys either.

What the fuck? No she won't be doing that. She's gone to uni, not working in the city. She's proud to be gay and she looks great. If people have a problem with the way she looks or her sexual orientation then that's on them.

Her alienation is odd really because she has friends who are really posh, as in directly related to royalty posh, and has never had problems with posh in the past. Their families are quite eccentric mind.

I agree that she shouldn't judge. I found it interesting when reading a poster on another university discussion page about percentages of private/grammar school pupils at Durham/Exeter and it was high with around a third private and another 18% grammar/selective at Exeter. We have a fab independent school near me which is very arty and creative and when I went to do a careers talk there I was astounded at their confidence and self belief. Maybe that sort of thing is flummoxing her. It's hard to fake that.

It’s completely normal to feel very homesick and have pangs of fear that you won’t fit in. She needs to give it more time. I lived in Exeter for years when I was younger.. There are plenty of artsy, LGBT people there and plenty of down to earth friendly people. We had a fantastic time and met lots of alternative people.

Who likes rugby? I don’t? I expect some of the people who went to watch it didn’t like it either and were just trying to join in. Most people are unsettled by the move so what she sees as unfriendliness might just be pre-occupation and reserve at being with new people. Your DD will find her people. I made some fantastic friends at Uni. I suggest she joins things she likes (hobbies, passions), chats to people and gives it a good term.

My dc has just started his second year so I have some recent perspective as they do talk to me. I think your son is probably right and clearly his finger on the current uni pulse. Obvs a generalisation but the vibe at Exeter is very sporty, heavy drinking, private school. They are shifting the balance but the culture still prevails. There will be people that your daughter will connect with but I think they will be in the minority in Exeter and will likely migrate in niche societies. Exeter is quite small really and is quite conservative. I imaging the Penrith campus and the arts crowd might be a bit more diverse. What was it about Exeter that attracted her initially?

ooh thank you - she'd love the second hand guitar section (not that she needs another guitar) and she is a fan of vintage shops. That sounds great advice.

It does sound a good fit: great Uni but really down to earth, cheaper city to live in, loads of music. Not as big as a Manchester but it’s all there.

I agree with this post.

Two days in is nothing. I can remember watching my parents driving off from my halls from my room window and crying thinking how hard I had worked to get there and now I didn’t want to be there.

I was from a very working class background doing law at a red brick uni. There was a lot of very posh people, there were Porsches outside the faculty building belonging to students.

But I learned a lot from them that was extremely useful in my career which hand many people with public/private school backgrounds.

The majority of people there are state educated, what degree she is doing will make a massive difference who she gets to meet.

at the end of the day she could move and find exactly the same issue.

Her tribe doesn’t need to be alt looking or gay - she needs to get out there and try lots of new things, met lots of people, be open minded.

That area of devon has its own alt vibe going. There’s quite a big new age spiritual vibe if that’s her thing