Misery at Exeter

[ExeterWoes]

Looking for perspectives really. And I've namechanged as I had a very identifying thread back in the day...

My daughter was thrilled to get A's at A level and get her firm choice of Exeter uni. She's been wanting to go for years and when we visited on offers day she was really excited at the thought of going there. We went to all her offer uni open days and Exeter won her heart (offers were from Sheffield, UEA, Sussex and York as well as Exeter). She worked really hard because she was so focussed on getting her offer grades.

I took her there on Saturday, she moved in to her room in her chosen halls - great room, great view, everything she was hoping for. Flatmates seemed a bit unfriendly but we wrote it off as nerves.

She has just called me in tears and is hating it. She feels like it really isn't the place for her. She's been out with people, she's talked to loads of societies, she just totally feels like a fish out of water. For the record she is quite alternative looking - short hair, piercings, a few (small) tattoos, dresses in baggy tees, combats and sweatshirts. She feels she really doesn't fit in and is not feeling very welcomed by either her flatmates or any of the societies she's been interested in. She's also gay and very open about it which she feels has made her an outlier in her apartment. She's not sporty and never has been so meeting friends that way isn't an option.

She has already spoken to UEA which was her second favourite and they will take her for her chosen course but she has to make the decision by tomorrow midday... which is very soon. Also there's no accommodation left on campus, only in Norwich centre which feels like it could be another mistake if she's away from everyone else. I'm not so worried about UEA itself - I loved it there on the offer visit and I remember saying to her that it felt like a fantastic place to go. I also think she may actually be happier there... just a feeling though, I have no real proof of this.

My son, who is just about to start second year at Sheffield Uni, thinks she should give it another week/two weeks and then drop out and take a year out rather than make a hurried decision to go to UEA. He had a gap year and loved it, loved applying with grades in hand but then he did his A'levels in 2021 and loads of them had a gap year just to have a bit of normal life after covid lockdown times. He also landed himself an ace job in the industry he wanted to work in eventually so it wasn't a hardship for him. He also said he always thought Exeter was a weird choice for her.

She's quite fragile - has had history of self harm and depression and the last thing I want for her is to be unhappy. But equally, I don't want her to rush into something she may regret. Neither my husband or myself went to uni - we are so proud of her but we have no real experience in this.

It's so far away from us too - I can't just get in the car and go to her.

Op, I have a DS at UEA and in the city accommodation which is much nicer than the campus sites (quality varies a lot on campus). Happy if you want to DM me. I would say UEA sounds a much better fit for your daughter. PP are right about the general vibe of Exeter. I am not about tonight but can message in the morning if you want more info about the city accommodation in Norwich. But whatever she decides wishing her the very best.

I'm going to call her early tomorrow morning and suggest she speaks to the course professor or director or whatever they are called and someone on the pastoral side of the university before she makes any decision.

I really don't want her to leave as I think she will feel sad about her dream. And I totally agree it is way too early. But equally, she's a fragile soul and I do not want to return to the bad days when I worried myself sick every time she left the house in case she had another suicidal thought and went through with it. I'd rather she was happy and healthy.

I think my son should call her but not sure she would answer... plus she will be super suspicious that I have spoken to him about her woes and mightily pissed off.

If you dropped her off on Saturday, then there's no way anyone will have settled in yet. She has literally only been there for two whole days!
No societies will have had a social, courses won't have started and most flats won't even have had everyone move in yet.

Encourage her to go along to some socials (particularly her course society and the LGBT+ societies, but also anything else she's interested in!); her not 'clicking' with the committee members when she's talked to them (likely at a stall where they're trying to sell the society to hundreds of other students too), means virtually nothing, and doesn't mean she's even met many people in the societies, especially freshers!
Encourage her to try some new things and go along to some clubs or societies which are new activities to her, you've mentioned she's not particularly sporty, but there's so many new sports to try, how about climbing, scuba diving, sailing, aerial fitness, pole sports, hiking, korfball or frisbee? Or societies for the type of music she likes, or the films she enjoys, or activities she does? How about looking into local volunteering opportunities?

I'd tell her she has to stick it out for a couple of weeks as she was looking forward to it so much, and if she's still unhappy once her course has started and she's been to some socials and actually made an effort to make some friends, then of course she can come home and start a gap year instead. I really can't see any benefit to her transferring and living off campus somewhere she didn't have her heart set on, if she still feels like this in early November, then maybe she can look at leaving and applying to the other uni for next year, when she'd be able to get on campus accommodation?

Hi this may help. I would trust her gut, she knows. Exeter is quite an old school uni and this isn’t her vibe. I didn’t feel right at my uni and knew on day one. The next three months were hellish and I moved to London onto another course. Sounds like sussex would be a good place for her, the other one I don’t know about.

My dd has just started at UEA having been torn between there and Exeter but ultimately chose UEA for the better course. She's a tomboy in style and bisexual - the more obviously diverse community in both UEA and Norwich itself suits her better and she's already made lots of friends, many of them international students.

However as a 6th form teacher Id advise her to hang on a bit longer if she can. Freshers week is really odd - lots of boring waiting around for things to happen in the evening. It's also a huge culture shock just to be at uni. If she is utterly miserable she can come home or choose to change uni, but she may feel differently in as little as a week when the lectures start and she gets busier.

Surely looking alternative will make it easier - I made 2 of my best friends because I approached them… because their hair indicated we shared a taste in music. She should wander around - go to all the taster events etc.

Lectures will help - give it 2 weeks (or the free time) and then do gap year if bad.

I remember feeling exactly the same. I was so excited to get into my first choice uni, first choice of halls, and then just didn't fit in with my flatmates at all. They were perfectly nice but not 'my' people and I was so homesick. It took me until Christmas to find my tribe, which happened in part after my course started, but mainly once I joined some societies and got well underway with those. After that I didn't even want to go home for the holidays. Please encourage her to stick it out OP. Two days is absolutely nothing and what she is feeling is so normal. If she still doesn't like it after a term she can make the switch to UEA. So many freshers will be feeling exactly the same.

I stuck with my university for the first year, after that I contacted a different uni with my grades for first year and got an offer to transfer back to my hometown. I’d say the whole starting uni experience can be very hard, but if she completes a year there can still be ways to transfer later.

Like a pp I would also encourage her to go to everything, even if not obviously top of her list. I was not socially confident but pushed myself to tag along whenever anyone half friendly invited me. I also met up with the only other two girls from my school who went to my uni, even though they settled in much faster than I did. Eventually you find your feet and you never know who you will meet if you put yourself out there. The early weeks are best for this when everyone is in the same boat.

I went to Exeter in the 90s and being a state school kid from Birmingham I was very much a fish out of water - it had (and probably still does) a large proportion of public school kids who were extremely posh and I got a nickname on day 1. I also had a unfriendly room mate (we had to share bedrooms!). I was so miserable and rang my mum to say I wanted to come home. Thankfully being a wise woman she said that I needed to last a month and if I still hated it then she would come collect me. Sure enough I made some lovely and normal friends in those weeks and never looked back. In my second and third year I lived in town with was more normal and worked in bar/gig place that was quite alternative (the Cavern if still there). Hope she is okay and pm me if you need to.

did My masters at Sussex- obviously very big LGBT community so good fit from that perspective. But I think I’d listen to DS on this one! sounds like a gap year might be really good for her if she’s shy it would give her an opportunity to grow a bit of confidence either through travel or work and then reconsider her choice of university. As others have said I think you have two weeks before fees are due, maybe encourage her to give it a go until then. If still not right gap year it is!

I am sorry. However UAE a worse university with no accommodation would be a really bad choice in my view. May be she could cover up her tatoos and remove her piercings to fit in - not that she has to but it can be a very useful life skill to change yourself to fit in with others. No one needs to know if she goes to bed with girls or boys either. Just have fun with those around her in terms of chatting to them and finding common ground.

I am surprised sweat shirts are unusual. my son went off with loads of things ilke Jack Wills ones when he went off to Bristol and they seemed to wear sweat pants all the time so may be your daughter has ended up with an unusual group of Exeter students dressed in smart casual all day long!

It is up to your daughter to decide and live with her decision. She has expressed that she is feeling lonely, isolated and very unhappy. Persuading her to stick it out is not your call. Listen to her, discuss her options and allow her to make the decision.

I think if she feels she can she should give it a few weeks.
It’s totally normal to feel you don’t fit in - it’s a big change.

People whose parents drive expensive cars and drink out of expensive glasses can be nice people too. Maybe they seem unfriendly because they are a bit insecure, even if they do speak in confident voices (can you blame them? Complete strangers calling them “posh”, advising moving university to escape them, reassuring that there are “normal” people about too, if you can just search them out.) If they are guarded and sticking to what they know it’s understandable, and perhaps it just needs a bit of time.

I’ve definitely had the experience of thinking I’ve made a huge mistake, my flat mates were unfriendly etc etc, but in fact we all just had to let our guard down and get to know each other. Clicking immediately is pretty rare, really.

I understand it’s a worry though, hope she can get through the first few weeks and things start to look up.

UEA is my old university which I attended for my undergraduate degree and I’m also enrolled there now and just finishing a postgraduate. It’s extremely diverse, lots of different nationalities and cultures and many students who appear to be comfortable with their own identities. I have found it a very warm and friendly environment both times round.

Going against the grain a bit - I felt miserable and like I didn't fit in when I first started at uni and it never really got better. I never properly made friends and it just wasn't a happy time. I was a working class, alternative kid at a very middle class, cliquey university and I also didn't realise at the time that I was autistic. I stayed because I knew getting the name on my CV would probably be worth it and I had a few friends/a boyfriend outside of uni. But even with all the pastoral support available today I don't think it's true that everybody finds their "tribe".

My advice: stay a few more weeks, join the LGBTQ+ society, if still not feeling it drop out and take a year out, then go to a big city university. I’m not sure Norwich is much of a hotspot for alternative culture or has much of a gay scene.

Manchester, Sheffield, Brum, Leeds all deliver all this in spades as well as being great unis. Her people are most definitely at these places.

In defence of Sussex it is also pretty full of rich, privileged kids on campus in the first year. But with Brighton on the doorstep she would fit in in so many groups outside of the university .

She might find that the people on her course are more friendly. My daughter didn’t really gel with her flat mates but made good friends with people on her course.

I think it’s really easy to fall into the trap of thinking you’re the only one who’s not absolutely loving it but I think most people feel a bit adrift in Freshers week, even if they’re socialising a lot. I used to go home from a night in the bar or someone’s room and just lie in bed thinking “fuuuuckk- none of these people are my new friends”. And then actually met my BFF who is someone I would have not really considered because we were so different. But she asked me for a light, we had a ciggie and were still chatting 2 hours later.

I would at least start the course. I would definitely not bounce to UEA now because what happens if same thing? Could put her off Uni for life. If she drops out of Exeter I’d leave it until next year.

OP I went to UEA (also had offers from Exeter and other unis your DD chose, so sounds like maybe a similar course)

As you described her I thought UEA sounds perfect for her - Norwich has a fab alternative scene and is very LGBTQ+ friendly, as is the uni itself - in fact I am not very alternative and I was almost the one out of place 😄I think she’d love it. It’s a beautiful place to live too.

The campus accommodation would be preferable but the off-campus places are also very sociable (is it The Village or the one in town itself?)

Good luck to her and I hope she settles either way.

it does sound hasty for her to make that decision. going to uni is very scary, feels very weird and everyone feels out of place at first. i could never really understand why socials, societies and freshers week were touted as such important things when i went as actually nobody really cared about that at all and as your flatmates are just a bunch of random people so if you don't gel with them you don't gel. i did end up with some good friends at uni but i dont speak to them anymore whereas i still speak to some schoolmates decades on and i never had the best time at school either. she'll probably be more likely to find kindred spirits on her course and should try that. is there anybody she knows from school also at exeter who she could meet up with for a catch up?

I was horribly homesick at uni to start with. Midweek was particularly low because I couldn’t go home until the weekend. It’s took me several weeks to settle in and I remember phoning my mum in tears. She did the tough love thing and said I was privileged to have got a place on what was a competitive course , it was what I really wanted to do, and I needed to just get on with it.
It worked and I ended up having a great time, and 30 years later I’m still working in the field for which I studied.

I can't really advise on Exeter Uni but I would say I hated my Uni when I arrived, spent the first few weeks feeling terrified, lonely and hating my flatmates. Never really gelled with the flatmates but did find my tribe and had the most wonderful 3 years and met my dh in my first year. It's a huge step out of your comfort zone and not fitting in perfectly is a good thing because you have to develop your skills and get to know new people. I'd tell her to hang in there.

I also met DH at uni. Still with him!