Misery at Exeter

[ExeterWoes]

Looking for perspectives really. And I've namechanged as I had a very identifying thread back in the day...

My daughter was thrilled to get A's at A level and get her firm choice of Exeter uni. She's been wanting to go for years and when we visited on offers day she was really excited at the thought of going there. We went to all her offer uni open days and Exeter won her heart (offers were from Sheffield, UEA, Sussex and York as well as Exeter). She worked really hard because she was so focussed on getting her offer grades.

I took her there on Saturday, she moved in to her room in her chosen halls - great room, great view, everything she was hoping for. Flatmates seemed a bit unfriendly but we wrote it off as nerves.

She has just called me in tears and is hating it. She feels like it really isn't the place for her. She's been out with people, she's talked to loads of societies, she just totally feels like a fish out of water. For the record she is quite alternative looking - short hair, piercings, a few (small) tattoos, dresses in baggy tees, combats and sweatshirts. She feels she really doesn't fit in and is not feeling very welcomed by either her flatmates or any of the societies she's been interested in. She's also gay and very open about it which she feels has made her an outlier in her apartment. She's not sporty and never has been so meeting friends that way isn't an option.

She has already spoken to UEA which was her second favourite and they will take her for her chosen course but she has to make the decision by tomorrow midday... which is very soon. Also there's no accommodation left on campus, only in Norwich centre which feels like it could be another mistake if she's away from everyone else. I'm not so worried about UEA itself - I loved it there on the offer visit and I remember saying to her that it felt like a fantastic place to go. I also think she may actually be happier there... just a feeling though, I have no real proof of this.

My son, who is just about to start second year at Sheffield Uni, thinks she should give it another week/two weeks and then drop out and take a year out rather than make a hurried decision to go to UEA. He had a gap year and loved it, loved applying with grades in hand but then he did his A'levels in 2021 and loads of them had a gap year just to have a bit of normal life after covid lockdown times. He also landed himself an ace job in the industry he wanted to work in eventually so it wasn't a hardship for him. He also said he always thought Exeter was a weird choice for her.

She's quite fragile - has had history of self harm and depression and the last thing I want for her is to be unhappy. But equally, I don't want her to rush into something she may regret. Neither my husband or myself went to uni - we are so proud of her but we have no real experience in this.

It's so far away from us too - I can't just get in the car and go to her.

There’s more than one sort of prejudice and it seems posho bashing is always in vogue. Honestly, just take people as you find them! I know a few private school kids with gay friends even though they’re straight. They’re not all Jacob Rees Mogg clones you know.

I'm privately educated myself but I also recognise entitlement and ignorance.

Well it tends to be found across all areas/classes IME.

Your call for everyone to “take [posh] people as you find them” operates as an encouragement to ignore privilege and entitlement. With Britain being one of the most unequal Western nations, and all the societal issues that raises, if anything, I’m going to be increasing my scrutiny of people for privilege and doing what I can to level the playing field.

How do you think scrutinising posh people will level the playing field?

Having appointed yourself as best to judge the rest of us, you’d best take care you don’t fall down from that lofty self-elevated position.
It’s a long fall back to where us common folk live.

I agree our society is unequal, but I don’t agree that viewing everyone above me on the ladder of privilege with suspicion/prejudice in the name of some sort of accountability is the way to go. Do we want those below us on that ladder of privilege to view us in the same jaundiced way or to judge us by what we say and do?

Lots of students are happier when they switch unis. Let's stop analysing the poor girl : some of it is a bit victim blamey

I agree posters should stop analysing OP's DD but it's ridiculous to suggest she's a victim.

I didn’t know whether to post on this thread as I have my youngest DS at Exeter and he is having a fab time but I decided to respond as I can also relate to the OP’s position because of my DD. My DS meets all the stereotypes of Exeter (sporty, private school etc) but he seems to have happily found a diverse set of friends who are all from state schools and not particularly sporty. So he isn’t just sticking with a private school, rugby set.

I do admire the OP’s DD however for taking the decision to leave Exeter. My DD hated the college she was pooled into at Oxford and with hindsight she wishes she had gone elsewhere to uni. She stuck it out because everyone says you grow to love your college. But that’s not always true. She knew immediately that she didn’t gel with the people in her college. They weren’t horrible to her but just very much not her type. After a few weeks we did start to look at a transfer but felt pressured to stay by people (not us!) because why could she possibly think of leaving Oxford?

In the end she carried on at Oxford but watched her friends elsewhere enviously. I always feel sorry that her university years were pretty miserable especially as her older brother had loved his uni and now as our youngest seems to have settled so quickly and happily. So OP sometimes it is better to go with your gut instinct and make that move.

You’re not confined to being friends with people in your own college though, indeed it would be quite unusual not to have friends across different colleges.

Sounds like an odd thing but join some societies. The Lgbtq group seems friendly and non threatening. There are lots of groups with a lot of variety. Plus they haven't started term yet so she will meet more people on her course. I have a child there in 2nd year.

She did find some friends on her course but she still had to eat in college which she found pretty isolating when she didn’t really fit into any of the groups. Then for one of her years she had to live out and she had to share a house with people from college as all her course friends had college accommodation for 3 years. Plus Covid didn’t help by restricting who she could socialise with.

I'm glad it was her decision. I knew I was making a mistake starting at my first uni. Similar to your daughter, I was just going along with it because it was just what was expected of me. I also knew in my gut within the first 2 weeks that I didn't want to stay there. What I DID want to do was just take a year out to think about my next move. Unfortunately my mum had a total meltdown and rather than reassuring me that there was no rush to make a decision she said she would start ringing round unis back at home to see if they would take me, as she thougth I was just home sick. She was also quite angry and told me that I couldn't just be a "dole-ite" the rest of my life and needed a plan. Stupidly I went along with it. And dropped out of the next uni too which I started a few days later. The course was wrong.

I did end up going back to uni and life turned out ok for me. But it was MY ideas and decisions that got me there.

I hope she loves it.

My son is at Cambridge and has few friends at his college. He wasn't bothered by that as he made other friends at other colleges and through his course and societies. Also has a girlfriend at a different college so spends lots of time there. I don't think there are any rules about getting the most out of Oxbridge. While it's convenient for your friends to be based at your own college there is no NEED for that to happen for you to get a lot out of Oxbridge. Life is so busy there in general and students work so hard that you just need to be able to rub along with your college corridor mates, say a "hi" to them on the way to the shower etc and that'll be fine. It really would be quite a coincidence for you to find your people at your own college, when there are so many others, wouldn't it?

It reminds me of what Bob Mortimer wrote about going to Oxford - I think - all those years ago. In his memoirs - as described by Caitlin Moran when she interviewed him - he says he realised upon sitting down to dinner in hall that he wouldn't be getting along with his fellow students, that sadly they had nothing in common, so he just retreated to his room for thee years and didn't really try to mingle.

Now, there's plenty wrong with that - anybody would say, hey, you've got to put yourself out there, meet different types and not hide away. Yet ironically this was possibly the right thing to do. I did try to mix with different people at Bristol and with some success but... ultimately, when the context is that wrong for you, it doesn't strengthen you. After leaving uni, it's like all the social stuff you've learned comes with a virus attached, you'd meet someone years later that would take you back to your three years at uni, it would be a hindrance. If I'd just stayed in my room, I might have been better off in some ways.

I thought Bob Mortimer went to Sussex and Leicester Unis

That’s sad Newspaper, what was the issue do you think? I was at Cambridge in the 80’s and am mainly (but not entirely) state educated. There was such a mix of backgrounds of state and private in my college, that I don’t recall that being an issue. I had friends from both, and most people did I think. Stuff like Formal Hall is just pantomime really, you can embrace it or not as you prefer.

I'm so glad that your decisions were the right ones for you. I think we forget that we need to give our young adults some kudos for knowing their minds... something I was initially reluctant to do. I'm so glad it worked out for you and it was your choices that made it work.

I was hoping to do a final (maybe) update from the week at UEA but when I tried to call her today she has either been at the gym, having lunch, or out for the evening...

She has clearly been having a good time.

We are going to Facetime tomorrow evening when she promises to update me.

I do think it is important to recognise each and every one of you who has told me your story of not fitting in. For however many students living their best life, there will be those not feeling it and I'm not sure I'd be very good at pretending/masking/coping/staying in my room for three years if it was me. Jeez, I did not last one single day at a job I knew was going to be awful and was not in any way what I was good at. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

I drove up to Sheffield yesterday to take all the plants, weights, clothes and large pictures that the other teen had left behind when he got the train back to uni because I was driving the other teen (for the first time) down to Exeter. When I was chatting to the boy, it became clear that I would probably never have gone back down to Exeter due to distance and a general "not that bothered" about the town whereas I am going back to Norwich in a few weeks (mutual desire) and I pop up to Sheffield several times a year. So that is a massive plus in all honestly.

I’m so glad it’s all worked out OP. My dd has just started her first year at Exeter and we also had reservations but she is in the cheapest accommodation and so there’s more of a mix of people. She is also sporty (although knows absolutely nothing about rugby and has zero interest!) Sounds like your dd made the right decision. And breathe!

Yeah, glad it's worked out OP. Hope your DD does okay there.

Going to uni's not like a movie where if everyone else seems to like it and you don't that's fine, instead you are stuck in that movie for three years, it becomes part of you. It's not so much 'you don't like uni, more it doesn't like YOU. You become the problem. Takes nerves of steel to get through that.'

It's odd, quite unrelated I was thinking I might visit Norwich again or would like to just based on a weekend I had there 10 or so years ago. Of course I won't but just saying that's the kind of vibe it had. Not many places like that.

I wouldn't do UAE with city center accommodation for a first year- she will be isolated. Would she consider Sheffield? Very alternative city overall and she would have her brother close by?

Why not read the thread. OP's daughter has been at UEA for a week now, and appears to be happy there.