Misery at Exeter

[ExeterWoes]

Looking for perspectives really. And I've namechanged as I had a very identifying thread back in the day...

My daughter was thrilled to get A's at A level and get her firm choice of Exeter uni. She's been wanting to go for years and when we visited on offers day she was really excited at the thought of going there. We went to all her offer uni open days and Exeter won her heart (offers were from Sheffield, UEA, Sussex and York as well as Exeter). She worked really hard because she was so focussed on getting her offer grades.

I took her there on Saturday, she moved in to her room in her chosen halls - great room, great view, everything she was hoping for. Flatmates seemed a bit unfriendly but we wrote it off as nerves.

She has just called me in tears and is hating it. She feels like it really isn't the place for her. She's been out with people, she's talked to loads of societies, she just totally feels like a fish out of water. For the record she is quite alternative looking - short hair, piercings, a few (small) tattoos, dresses in baggy tees, combats and sweatshirts. She feels she really doesn't fit in and is not feeling very welcomed by either her flatmates or any of the societies she's been interested in. She's also gay and very open about it which she feels has made her an outlier in her apartment. She's not sporty and never has been so meeting friends that way isn't an option.

She has already spoken to UEA which was her second favourite and they will take her for her chosen course but she has to make the decision by tomorrow midday... which is very soon. Also there's no accommodation left on campus, only in Norwich centre which feels like it could be another mistake if she's away from everyone else. I'm not so worried about UEA itself - I loved it there on the offer visit and I remember saying to her that it felt like a fantastic place to go. I also think she may actually be happier there... just a feeling though, I have no real proof of this.

My son, who is just about to start second year at Sheffield Uni, thinks she should give it another week/two weeks and then drop out and take a year out rather than make a hurried decision to go to UEA. He had a gap year and loved it, loved applying with grades in hand but then he did his A'levels in 2021 and loads of them had a gap year just to have a bit of normal life after covid lockdown times. He also landed himself an ace job in the industry he wanted to work in eventually so it wasn't a hardship for him. He also said he always thought Exeter was a weird choice for her.

She's quite fragile - has had history of self harm and depression and the last thing I want for her is to be unhappy. But equally, I don't want her to rush into something she may regret. Neither my husband or myself went to uni - we are so proud of her but we have no real experience in this.

It's so far away from us too - I can't just get in the car and go to her.

We're 40 miles from uea as opposed to 260 from Exeter and that made a huge difference to him too!!

yes I think it is St Crispins. Good to know that if she does decide UEA is for her then she won't be so isolated.

I think it's the midday tomorrow deadline that is freaking her out. And me TBH.

People describing Exeter as posh has made me laugh! It is so far from posh.

Op, you can’t make decisions for her but I would advise that it’s far too early to run away.

My son, who is just about to start second year at Sheffield Uni, thinks she should give it another week/two weeks and then drop out and take a year out rather than make a hurried decision to go to UEA

Your son's advice is very sound.

Sussex is not great in terms of integrating - there are loads of students at Sussex who go home at the weekends, and the campus can become pretty deserted. In your DD's position, I would take time off and have a complete re-think. One of my DC did this, and ended up at the right place, only a year later.

UEA is about two hours away instead of being anything from 4 1/2 to 7 hours like Exeter (my drive home on Sunday took almost 7 hours and I have a streaming cold. I am in no hurry to repeat that joy)

Work in the sector. It does have a preppy contingent in Exeter but there is absolutely no way there aren’t alternative types, bread and butter of student life. Has she met course mates as well as flat mates? Is there a course WhatsApp group? Any course socials?

can she join a society based on volunteering or one of the hobby based ones like board games. I tell her to let her personal tutor know as well and see if there is a well-being service. It can take a month to settle in and it’s a big change. The ones who go in hung ho at first can also call
down a bit in the first month and there’s a bit more scope to get to know them,

I remember hating the first 2-3 months of uni. My flat mates weren’t my sort of people, and most of them went home at the weekend.

I made friends with people in other flats an on my uni course, and did settle but it was tough.

If she’s pretty alternative looking, could she try chatting to other alternative students she sees? If she’s struggling then to fit in then others might have the same issue?

I found societies the worst for making friends. They seemed cliquey and we’re mostly sporty - when I’m not sporty.

To initially make friends with people in other flats I made a cake and took it round to share. I made it with my favourite silver ball cake toppings, years later my friend mentioned that she didn’t know they were edible, and thought I’d put ball bearings on the cake (!).

Life is too short to be miserable. I think she should either move or take a gap year and reassess.
The unfriendly people in her flat sound awful. They’re at fault and not her.

Can she change accommodation and move into a LGBTG friendly house share, I think she would meet like minded people there and hopefully settle in
I think 2 days isn’t enough to know that it isn’t for her

I was really homesick when I started uni, I’d never felt loneliness like it, coming from my lovely family and long-term secure friendship group. I looked around and felt like I didn’t click with anyone. I felt a bit better once my lectures started and I had more of a routine and less time to sit around wondering why I seemed to be the only one who felt this way. But I think the first two weeks were hell and I cried a lot. Gradually I began to make friends and by around November I was having the time of my life and never looked back. I would encourage her to stick it out and let her know that how she is feeling is completely normal and it’s just a huge shock to the system. She will adjust and once her course starts she will have more of a focus. Of course if she’s still not happy in a few months then she can leave but at least she knows she’s given it a shot.

My daughter is gay and dresses in an alternative way and she def found her crowd straight away in York if that is in the frame. Very safe, relaxed, open minded city.

@ExeterWoes I'm not sure you've seen @ForeverbyJudyBlume posts which are really relevant to your situation - maybe her niece could even provide some specific tips that would point your daughter in the right direction

Your son is totally right - much too soon to move

I hated my flat mates in halls at uni and it completely changed my whole perspective on the experience of uni. Once I found like minded souls I was far happier, it takes longer than a couple of weeks

I went to Exeter over twenty years ago and it was definitely full of public school kids then. It took me half a term to settle and find people more like myself. I’d loved sixth form and so was a bit disappointed my new life wasn’t as expected. I definitely cried.
Looking back, a northern university would’ve been a better fit for me, but I threw myself into Exeter life and enjoyed my years there. I wish your daughter all the best.

I think 2 days is too soon to drop out. A friend of our daughter's moved from one uni after a week to another, but the result was always the same - she left the 2nd uni after a few weeks too. Then a year later she started at East London and found issues there too and left. It was almost like she showed no commitment, easy come easy go and it did her no favours in life skills.

I was also at (now old) Lafrowda. I also thought that it would be more diverse given it was the cheapest accommodation at the time, but it turns out my flatmates chose it because they would be eating in restaurants every night so didn't need catered halls 😂
To be honest, they were perfectly nice people and I think it's good experience to be able to get along with people from all walks of life. When I started work I was surrounded by people who went to Cambridge and lived in central London..they were even posher than the Exeter students I'd lived with, and I think if I hadn't had that experience at Exeter I'd have felt even more out of place in that environment, which might have damaged my career prospects (I was a consultant so had to be very sociable)
Exeter is a great city to live in by the way, especially as a student. Come spring , she can be on the beach in 20 minutes for very cheaply on the train.

For us it was a double edged sword.....he did come home rather more than we'd expected !!

To be brutally honest the Uni (not Exeter itself mind) felt VERY posh to me on Saturday. The highest concentration of very expensive cars I have ever seen in one place. Even the food and the plates/glassware that the students (or their parents had brought) in the halls' kitchen were very different to the multiple IKEA and second hand mash up that greeted us in my son's kitchen in Sheffield. I did come home and worry about this aspect with her, not gonna lie, despite us living a naice middle class life in a naice middle class town.

It’s way too soon.

I can remember feeling unspeakably homesick at first. It didn’t last beyond the first few weeks.

I went to Exeter (not relevant as it was the 90s) and I loved it.

The university really is very posh. I came from a council estate in Birmingham and was shocked to see people driving to Lafrowda in brand new minis and spending the weekends watching Daddy's race horses and complaining about the taste of £600 bottles of wine they had there. I'd never seen anything like it before.
The city itself isn't all that posh though

It's just too soon OP. Posh people aren't all bad. . So many students aren't happy at first and take time to find their people. It's a good thing to get to know and live with people who are different to you.

It is a pity she didn’t take up the Sheffield offer.
Great student city

Life is way too short. In her shoes, I'd take a gap year and then probably go to Sheffield. Definitely alternative-type friendly there.

I've never been to UEA but being close to home would be a definite bonus for you all. 7 hours is too long a drive and I say that as an Irish woman who studied at Bath!

I don't think she lacks commitment. She was written off as a failing student at the end of primary and has worked like mad to prove to herself and others that she is capable and can excel. She really loves her subject and took a long time to pick her five uni's based on the course and modules offered. She was determined to visit every one, even though her heart was set on Exeter. Hence why she called UEA today as it was a close second after the offer day visit.

I think it is way too soon to change. It isn't even a week. Lectures haven't even started yet. She hasn't even given it a chance.

Even though she didn't like rugby why would she not just go out with the flatmates? That way she could have got out and about. In first year we were a complete mix of rugby lover, hippy girl, Beatles mania girl, military boarding school kid, theatre school chap and me, shy and I felt like everyone was far more worldly than me. As we all knew we would be living together and sharing space for the first few weeks we all walked up to Fresher's stuff and orientation etc. We split off into 3 groups in the end but those first weeks whilst we found our feet and people on our courses, we just stuck together.

She needs talking into staying for a few weeks.

I agree with your son. 2 days is too soon. She needs to hang on in there and if she really doesn’t meet her people in the longer term, I would take a year out.

For all Exeter’s reputation - it’s 70% state school. DD’s lifestyle niche will take longer to find her tribe that’s all, but that may be true anywhere.