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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Misery at Exeter

423 replies

ExeterWoes · 19/09/2023 19:29

Looking for perspectives really. And I've namechanged as I had a very identifying thread back in the day...

My daughter was thrilled to get A's at A level and get her firm choice of Exeter uni. She's been wanting to go for years and when we visited on offers day she was really excited at the thought of going there. We went to all her offer uni open days and Exeter won her heart (offers were from Sheffield, UEA, Sussex and York as well as Exeter). She worked really hard because she was so focussed on getting her offer grades.

I took her there on Saturday, she moved in to her room in her chosen halls - great room, great view, everything she was hoping for. Flatmates seemed a bit unfriendly but we wrote it off as nerves.

She has just called me in tears and is hating it. She feels like it really isn't the place for her. She's been out with people, she's talked to loads of societies, she just totally feels like a fish out of water. For the record she is quite alternative looking - short hair, piercings, a few (small) tattoos, dresses in baggy tees, combats and sweatshirts. She feels she really doesn't fit in and is not feeling very welcomed by either her flatmates or any of the societies she's been interested in. She's also gay and very open about it which she feels has made her an outlier in her apartment. She's not sporty and never has been so meeting friends that way isn't an option.

She has already spoken to UEA which was her second favourite and they will take her for her chosen course but she has to make the decision by tomorrow midday... which is very soon. Also there's no accommodation left on campus, only in Norwich centre which feels like it could be another mistake if she's away from everyone else. I'm not so worried about UEA itself - I loved it there on the offer visit and I remember saying to her that it felt like a fantastic place to go. I also think she may actually be happier there... just a feeling though, I have no real proof of this.

My son, who is just about to start second year at Sheffield Uni, thinks she should give it another week/two weeks and then drop out and take a year out rather than make a hurried decision to go to UEA. He had a gap year and loved it, loved applying with grades in hand but then he did his A'levels in 2021 and loads of them had a gap year just to have a bit of normal life after covid lockdown times. He also landed himself an ace job in the industry he wanted to work in eventually so it wasn't a hardship for him. He also said he always thought Exeter was a weird choice for her.

She's quite fragile - has had history of self harm and depression and the last thing I want for her is to be unhappy. But equally, I don't want her to rush into something she may regret. Neither my husband or myself went to uni - we are so proud of her but we have no real experience in this.

It's so far away from us too - I can't just get in the car and go to her.

OP posts:
Oxonc3 · 26/09/2023 22:20

Am glad it has worked out. Sounds like the flat was the problem. Food for thought for everyone with a child away studying. Noone likes to think their child is the one causing misery to others, but they must belong to someone.

keiratwiceknightly · 26/09/2023 22:22

Good to hear.

Original poster
ExeterWoes · 26/09/2023 22:35

StartupRepair · 25/09/2023 22:13

OP your daughter will remember this as you being on her side. It will all be OK.

I hope so. Because I am absolutely on her side. If i hadn't listened to her, and called her fickle, where would her mental heath be? What cost to her? She admitted to me that getting into Exeter was a big fuck you to people who had thought her not capable. But she was really worried after the email and the reality set in. She claims that she would have left even if her friends had been there.

She has been really good for over a year. I really wanted to avoid a return to her being depressed and self harming. That happy, healthy teen is a big deal to me. Life is way too short to be miserable. To be fair I once walked out of a job after one day. I KNEW it was not the place for me. Never regretted it, despite not having anything else to go to and a hefty London rent at the time...

OP posts:
TrailJacket · 26/09/2023 22:38

Your update made me smile OP! Great outcome x

StartupRepair · 26/09/2023 22:41

I'm so happy to hear this outcome. My dd also has a fragility and I am often torn between rescuing and letting her work it out. You have done the right thing here.

Catstare · 26/09/2023 22:42

Really pleased for her ( and you) . My niece did exactly the same thing (different uni) . Went from strength to strength.
Norwich is a great city to be a student

Original poster
ExeterWoes · 26/09/2023 22:48

MrsMatilda · 23/09/2023 07:10

Your dd sounds like a young woman who knows her mind, even if she is being influenced by her peers for now. It is impressive that she worked so hard and was accepted to Exeter and UEA and geography is a phantasmic subject to read.

Would you be happy to share if your dd did some interesting extra curricular activities that helped her boost her applications?

Not a whole lot - she had an environmental instagram page that was quite popular with the youth, spent time on a one time farm where the guy was taking the depleted land back to a more natural state and did lots of soil comparing, planting hundreds of native trees etc. She does genuinely love the subject though and I think that shone through her personal statement (which I was allowed to read, just the once...!)

OP posts:
Original poster
ExeterWoes · 26/09/2023 22:51

curaçao · 25/09/2023 23:57

Or cowardly decisions many would say!

Show quote history

Perhaps one day your children may need your support. Hopefully, you will be there to give it. And not call them cowardly or fickle. Especially if your suppirt meant the world to them.

OP posts:
snickersandmarsandbounty · 26/09/2023 22:59

You have done exactly the right thing, 3 years is a long time to be somewhere you don’t want to be and above everything her MH is more important than any anything in the world .
You have listened and not fought against her, a truly loving parent

Peaceandquietfinally · 26/09/2023 23:04

OP you have been a fab Mum navigating the right decision for your DD . I give you and your daughter 100% support. I really hope DD now embraces Uni and achieves everything she hopes for in life.Xx

alexdgr8 · 27/09/2023 01:28

are you able to tell us what went wrong at Exeter; why would yr daughter have had to change accomm there ?

LaurieFairyCake · 27/09/2023 07:20

You are an amazing Mum Flowers

Well done to her for not being afraid to change her mind

Hope she really enjoys Norwich

GreenLaurel · 27/09/2023 12:06

I would have done the same as both you and your dd. Sometimes I think it is a skill
in itself knowing something is wrong for you. Sometimes you have to listen to your gut. Better to get out early than late. This situation and decision does not define her. She is not a coward. I think she sounds super!

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 27/09/2023 17:23

Oh, so pleased with your update, OP!!

Meanwhile my dd has thankfully started to settle in, she has friends and even a bar job now!!

LillianGish · 27/09/2023 17:52

So happy to see your update@ExeterWoes. Bravo to you for springing into action and for your marathon of driving and moving (and for not letting that put you off!) I wish your DD every joy at UEA - good for her for listening to her gut feeling and acting on it. It sounds like she has made the right decision and hopefully Exeter soon be just a little blip that you'll be able to look back on and laugh about in years to come. Cardiff still casts a long shadow for my DD (I don't think she'll ever set foot in Wales again!) - I wish we'd got her out sooner. You are a great mum!

cassiatwenty · 27/09/2023 18:01

@ExeterWoes I wish I had a mam like you x

Calmdown14 · 27/09/2023 18:55

Glad she is settled.

I took the wrong course. Like your daughter, before I was due to go I knew it was wrong. But then I got my a level results and swept up in the excitement and ignored that feeling.

I was a good student but hated it from day one (though loved halls and uni life). Stuck it three weeks then tried to change to something completely different.

Didn't think I'd be able to and if I'd not had really decent a levels (and cried at the department secretary) I'd not have been able to. Thankfully she sent me along to a lovely professor who saw no reason I couldn't catch up (I got the highest first assignment mark despite missing all the teaching for it). I have never regretted that change but did regret ignoring my gut.

Your daughter was in a bad situation and rather than shut down she did something about it swiftly and decisively. I think you should be proud of her (and take credit for raising a sensible girl).

I hope she has a great time at UEA.

EmmaPaella · 27/09/2023 19:30

It was definitely a brave decision and shows emotional intelligence to know that she would not suit Exeter but would suit somewhere like Norwich better. Glad she is happy with her decision, it definitely sounds like the right one to me and nothing has really been lost except mum mileage!

Highdaysandholidays1 · 27/09/2023 19:50

One great book a friend bought me at around your dd's age (18) was Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, that shows you that correcting course lots of times is how airplanes fly and that it's fine for us to do that too. Both ways would have been ok- if she'd stayed, chances are she'd have met some great people, she went and now will have lovely friends from the outset. Both were fine as choices, one edged it a bit. It's a great book, bit old now but very wise that there isn't usually one 'destiny' and one way to be right in life, but sensible people correct quite quickly if they feel themselves going too far off course.

Lampzade · 27/09/2023 22:00

ExeterWoes · 26/09/2023 19:25

I haven't read any replies since Friday evening as the weekend was quite busy and intense and the past two days at work have been crazy. So apologies if I update and have missed something that someone thought essential to read.

Well...] I drove the many, many hours to pick her up and she seemed ok as we moved things out but then broke down when we drove away in the car. She was a bit broken. I agreed not to question, she relaxed a bit so we drove for about an hour, stopped to have a pasty and a coffee and she explained.

It was more than not fitting in an I will actually be taking some things further. If she had stayed she would have had to move halls.. and if she had been more robust that may have been a possibility. Anyway, she's not, so that wasn't an option. She was also more unhappy than she thought she'd be at being so far away from home. We did the mammoth drive and let Rylan and Liza entertain us on the journey. I actually stayed on campus that night in their guest lodge and - aside from being noisy as there was a big club night on - it was as we remembered. Love the location and the feel. We wandered about, met up with her friends, it was really chilled and welcoming. Well the club night wasn't chilled but while she partied, I slept with earplugs! We moved her into the new place and it's pretty nice - she's thrilled that it is in the centre of Norwich and that her room is new, bigger than any we'd seen previously and on the quiet side of the building.

It was the right thing for her to do. And she maintains she's going to be a "superstar geography student." As one poster said, she will feel she needs to prove she was right! Better that she is happy, her mental health is protected as much as it could be and she actually enjoys her degree and time there. I like how she's only a couple of hours away and Norwich is a great place to visit.

Two days in, I've just called for an update and she seems settled and excited to have started the course. I've arranged to see her in a few weeks time and she was already thinking of places for us to go in the city.

Thank fuck I don't have anywhere to drive to this week though. Can highly recommend support socks for such mammoth trips and I least I finally mastered the cruise control.

Your Dd is a very lucky young lady having such a supportive mum.

jolaylasofia · 27/09/2023 22:18

i called my mom in tears exactly the same but was fine after a week. she needs to give it a chance

Peregrina · 28/09/2023 08:20

i called my mom in tears exactly the same but was fine after a week. she needs to give it a chance

That ship sailed last week!

I saw a school friend do something very similar, although gave it slightly longer than two weeks. She was desperate to go to a particular London college, and worked jolly hard to secure her place. She hate the College and London the moment she got there, and transferred to a place she had dismissed out of hand earlier.

What it did do though, was give her a good focus for her two years of A levels and give her good grades on which to build the foundation for the next stage. So this effort was by no means wasted. This OP will apply to your DD.

itsmyp4rty · 28/09/2023 09:28

It was more than not fitting in an I will actually be taking some things further. If she had stayed she would have had to move halls.. and if she had been more robust that may have been a possibility. Anyway, she's not, so that wasn't an option.

This sounds really worrying OP, are you able to expand? Fantastic though that dd is happy now and found the right place for her.

Fodmapway · 28/09/2023 10:57

I really hope she didn't experience homophobia. Some relatives have just left a well known public school (they would have gone somewhere like Exeter had they got in) and I'm astounded at their level of ignorance and inappropriate language around such issues. Combination of entitlement and their parents being arses.

Cockmigrant · 28/09/2023 12:08

I think she made the right decision and especially now you hint at there having been more serious issues.

I hope she will be happy at Norwich.

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