Misery at Exeter

[ExeterWoes]

Looking for perspectives really. And I've namechanged as I had a very identifying thread back in the day...

My daughter was thrilled to get A's at A level and get her firm choice of Exeter uni. She's been wanting to go for years and when we visited on offers day she was really excited at the thought of going there. We went to all her offer uni open days and Exeter won her heart (offers were from Sheffield, UEA, Sussex and York as well as Exeter). She worked really hard because she was so focussed on getting her offer grades.

I took her there on Saturday, she moved in to her room in her chosen halls - great room, great view, everything she was hoping for. Flatmates seemed a bit unfriendly but we wrote it off as nerves.

She has just called me in tears and is hating it. She feels like it really isn't the place for her. She's been out with people, she's talked to loads of societies, she just totally feels like a fish out of water. For the record she is quite alternative looking - short hair, piercings, a few (small) tattoos, dresses in baggy tees, combats and sweatshirts. She feels she really doesn't fit in and is not feeling very welcomed by either her flatmates or any of the societies she's been interested in. She's also gay and very open about it which she feels has made her an outlier in her apartment. She's not sporty and never has been so meeting friends that way isn't an option.

She has already spoken to UEA which was her second favourite and they will take her for her chosen course but she has to make the decision by tomorrow midday... which is very soon. Also there's no accommodation left on campus, only in Norwich centre which feels like it could be another mistake if she's away from everyone else. I'm not so worried about UEA itself - I loved it there on the offer visit and I remember saying to her that it felt like a fantastic place to go. I also think she may actually be happier there... just a feeling though, I have no real proof of this.

My son, who is just about to start second year at Sheffield Uni, thinks she should give it another week/two weeks and then drop out and take a year out rather than make a hurried decision to go to UEA. He had a gap year and loved it, loved applying with grades in hand but then he did his A'levels in 2021 and loads of them had a gap year just to have a bit of normal life after covid lockdown times. He also landed himself an ace job in the industry he wanted to work in eventually so it wasn't a hardship for him. He also said he always thought Exeter was a weird choice for her.

She's quite fragile - has had history of self harm and depression and the last thing I want for her is to be unhappy. But equally, I don't want her to rush into something she may regret. Neither my husband or myself went to uni - we are so proud of her but we have no real experience in this.

It's so far away from us too - I can't just get in the car and go to her.

What halls is she in? The newer more expensive ones tended to be preppier but the shared dorms & older buildings were closer communities of outliers (cheaper rooms might have some bearing on that).

If she changes accommodation and finds some good Flatmates from her room level it will make a HUGE difference.

Double check with her it’s the pastoral side and not the academic side, and find out the drive behind the disappointment. If it’s the shock of independence, or being homesick, a uni move will just add stress.

I’ll say it again - my dn and her crowd sound exactly like your dd and LOVE Exeter. Her people are there

Is Carvern still there? Was pretty alternative. And Vaults.

Oh I love Sheffield. My son is there and is having a ball. He even came home at Christmas with his box of Yorkshire tea as if us softy southerners wouldn't have any. I think she would have fitted right in there as she's musical, had a band and the singer of that band has gone to Sheffield uni too. She loves going to gigs... I think the fact her brother is there put her off which is bloody stupid.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Sigh

I think we must be contemporaries, I started in 1999 and was in Duryard, rest its soul!

I'd advise waiting until her course starts, most of my friends were from my course who I ended up walking back to halls with and found each other that way. It was quite "rah rah" when I went but you do find your tribe.
One of the benefits of such a small city is eventually you can go out of a night solo and find someone you know!
It took me a term to settle in with daily crying calls to my mum but I loved it by the end.

The FB group is called WIWIKAU. It does have spin off "friendship beacon" groups but tbh, they're as dead as a dodo and I always feel desperately sorry for the parents and kids who post on there hoping someone will answer them and nobody ever really does.

However, it will give you some perspective (wiwikau) if you go and read it as this time of year it is full of parents whose kids feel exactly like your DD.

I agree that 2 days is too soon, try to get her to at least stay for a couple of weeks. There are a couple of nice ongoing threads about uni starters and more people than you can imagine are young through the same as you.

It really is too soon to drop out. Has she even had any lectures yet??

If she hates it then agree with others, a gap year is better than jumping late into another course with uncertain accommodation.

I can't decide for anyone - I would suggest the likes of Exeter, Bristol, Cambridge which in my day were the top unis are not so great being stuck in cities that are nice to visit and not live, with lots of posh students there. Doesn't matter if you find your 'clique' eventually because it isn't great being in a place where in the main you don't feel you fit in.

She should have researched it better but it's embarrassing to reveal how little research I did for my chosen uni, Bristol, some decades ago when I went. You don't have time and money to go along to your chosen top 5 and hang out there with other students, esp as it's term time.

What about the others on her list? Anything going there?

A long time ago I went to UEA and couldn’t stay on campus. It was a real barrier to making friends in my opinion. I think it’s far too early for her to say she hates it . She might hate anywhere at this rage.

I appreciate your concern, especially given her past problems , but honestly this is a part of what uni is about. Finding your own way, understanding you wont fit in with everyone etc. Curb your instincts to rescue her and see how the term pans out

Stage not rage!

I would trust your daughter to make the right decision for her. If she's not happy at Exeter - pushing her to "wait and see" is the worst thing you can do.

For what it's worth, I've just dropped child at UEA and having never visited it - i loved how diverse it is and not only does the campus have a good vibe, so does the town center.

We actually had dinner at a restaurant there last night and one of the "very alternative" looking waitresses said she'd just graduated and she's still staying around because the people are just so lovely at the uni. Having a convo with her was just the best because it made us all feel such at ease.

Just another pov.

Ps we're very alternative but just in a different way!

Is she in Holland or one of the catered halls? Moving to one of the cheaper ones might be worth a try before she makes a final decision.

She sounds like a perfect fit for Sussex tbh. Lots of Brightonians look like your DD. Couple of options: one is to make enquiries with her favourite unis and see if she can transfer and what the accommodation situation would be. The other is to stick out first year and then transfer in Year 2. The third is to give it a month and if still not happy, withdraw and regroup to go next year to somewhere more suited. Her mental health and happiness is the most important thing.

I think your son is right - UEA might be great but not living on campus in the first year as well as arriving later than everyone else might end up with her feeling equally isolated.

Definitely get her to stick it out for at least a couple of weeks after the course has started.

Then I'd go with the GAP year idea - she can do something fun, make some money, AND go and visit and spend more time in her potential new university town.

Maybe even spend some time hanging out in Sheffield with her bandmate - might find she doesn't mind her brother being there after all.

@ExeterWoes maybe check with UEA what accommodation they’re offering your DD off-campus. About 170 freshers are being housed in new student halls in Norwich (I think St Crispin’s?) due to RAAC being found in the Ziggurats. As far as I know they’ve all been given free bus passes and bike hire to get to and from the uni. Alternatively, she could give it a while longer and if she’s still really unhappy reapply to UEA for next year with her grades in hand. Worse case scenario she’d only be liable for one term’s fees and accommodation.

That's really tough and sounds like she'd have been much more at home at Sussex. She needs to look at the financial commitment too when deciding what to do as there will be a deadline beyond which she loses a full term fees. Hope she makes a choice she is happy with.

I went to Exeter many moons ago. It was what was called a green-welly uni, full of private school types. The halls were great fun, but overall the people I met at mine were posher than I was. I was told other halls were even more upper middle class. I tried to fit in, but ultimately had to find an entirely new set of friends in the second year. Moving accommodation meant that I did find more people like me - misfits and ordinary people from ordinary backgrounds. They are out there.

I wonder which hall/accommodation your daughter is in? It might make a difference if she can get out and meet people from all over the campus, somehow. And knowing she can change where she lives or who she lives with at the end of the first year might help her feel like there are choices ahead.

Despite all I have said, I did have a good time there - most students do.

It's wonderful you're such a supportive mam who cares about her DD's wellbeing 💓 Everything will be fine if she has you for support.

I don't know how close you are to UEA but good to have family close if something were to happen. Just my 2 £

Came on to say the same thing as above - some students at UEA are in the (brilliant) city centre - but they are all together!! They will be having a great time.

There is a bus to the city from campus every 20 mins. Takes 15 mins at non-peak times.

Our son managed a year at Exeter despite feeling a bit out of water and finding it difficult. He made the difficult choice to change both university and subject and started again at UEA which he loved.
UEA, he felt, was much more relaxed, less 'pushy'and all round a lot calmer if that's what she's looking for.
It's so hard though when your child is unhappy. Lots of luck to you both

She's in new Lafrowda. Exactly where she wanted to be. And yes her flat is very sporty/preppy. I think we both thought it would be more diverse as it isn't the very expensive catered option... and on offers day they were at pains to claim that the uni was much more diverse than people thought. We believed that really.

She was worried from the night before when we were in a restaurant surrounded by very confident, posh sounding students. We live in a quite laid back, chilled, small town that isn't really posh (although it has its moments) and I do think she's experiencing some culture shock. On Sunday night the flat went to watch rugby which is about as far from her idea of a good night out as you could get!

I went to UEA (many years ago) & hated it. It is also a campus university, much further from the centre of Norwich than Exeter Uni campus is from the centre of Exeter.
I agree that 2 days is too soon. I stayed at UEA for 2 months, & despite making some friends in my halls & on my course I knew it wasn't right & eventually quit, worked for the rest of the year & applied to other universities the following year.
So I agree with your DS - she should stay at least for a few weeks & then quit if she still isn't getting on & reapply next year.

I agree with your DS, she needs a couple of weeks to settle. And if she's still unhappy then taking a gap year working or travelling is better than a rushed decision to go to a different university.

Think about it, she's just left home and was probably super excited and on a high.
Now, a few days in she's crashed as reality of fending for herself and finding her tribe in a maze of unknown people, places and societies is probably quite daunting and exhausting.

One bit of advance my daughter was given by her friends: speak to your flat mates, be social and go out with different people.
(I gave DD some freshers £££, so she can go out & establish herself and not worry to much about money in the first few weeks. )

I think it’s quite normal to feel like this. I tempi did and ringing my mum saying I wanted to come home etc.

Same with my brother and he’s the most social person ever, he rang my mum saying he had made a mistake she rang him a couple of days later and he told her he couldn’t talk as was too busy ordering pizza with his newly made friends.

It just takes a bit of time and it’s a big adjustment. But I do think she should give it a few weeks and see.

The culture shock of starting university can be huge! Hard for lots, including those of us with any MH history. And it sounds like your DD had a specific idea of what it might be like rhat doesn’t match reality - been there done that 😆

the people who represent clubs at freshers things may not be ‘typical’ of the members, eg they may be types happy to volunteer or who are outgoing or organisers.

the course is important too. Lots of places can be fantastic in different ways.

moving so quickly without much planning and having to sort accommodation could be tricky and not great for confidence