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Higher education

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Original poster

DS wants to drop out of Oxford - and it's largely my fault

606 replies

Distressedstudent · 09/02/2023 20:33

My DS is a fresher at Oxford and not enjoying it one bit - the intensive work load, the lack of contact hours, the general 'nerdiness' of it. He had wanted to go to York but, as he was predicted (and got) 4 x A star, we urged him to apply to Oxford (where we went - he had no intention of applying) and then, when he got his offer, to firm it. He very reluctantly agreed after talking to his teachers who said he'd be nuts to turn down Oxford, even though his heart was set on York.

He sees his friends from school having a blast at other universities whereas he has his nose to the grind at Oxford. He is now planning to see his Director of Studies and to see if York will take him from September (to read the same humanities course). He is not interested in my advice as DH and I 'got it wrong' and gave him 'duff advice' (his words).

I am not sure if I am up to replying to anyone kind enough to offer their thoughts because I feel so miserable/disappointed/guilty on his behalf.

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 09/02/2023 20:36

Let him go to York!

Oxford isn’t the be all and end all.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/02/2023 20:36

Every day is a school day for parents as well. You've learned that children grow up and need to make their own decisions and mistakes.

If you really really learn it and show your change of heart, DS will come around. Once he's at York, settled and happy, have a chat about how it's been an adjustment for you and you're learning and he can tel you when you're overstepping.

user567543 · 09/02/2023 20:36

It all sounds ok - he is unhappy and he's changed his path. You acted from the best motives, he's tried and it's not for him so he's making another plan to get a good degree - sounds ok to me Flowers

RosaDeInvierno · 09/02/2023 20:36

I'd say you did the best you could.

Ds did extremely well, and I can't see his other choice of university being failure. He won't either, unless you do.

You need to make sure you don't think he is a failure, because that would follow him forever.

SpecialDeliveryServiceIsNeverOnTime · 09/02/2023 20:38

Definitely, please let him leave. I similarly applied to Oxford cos I was predicted good grades, got them and was accepted and then heard from everyone how you ‘can’t turn down Oxford’, though I had my heart set on SOAS. Oxford was incredibly difficult for me and I wish I’d had the guts to leave. He’ll have a brilliant time at York!

user567543 · 09/02/2023 20:38

It's the opposite, recognising what really makes you happy aside from meeting people's expectations is a key life thing.

Marblessolveeverything · 09/02/2023 20:38

You can't change the past. I understand you feel the oxford love and nostalgia but I would always encourage parents to trust a young person who has a plan.

Admit your mistake apologize and support him to achieve his goal. Hopefully all will work out for him.

RampantIvy · 09/02/2023 20:39

Oxford isn't for everyone. Yes, it has cachet, but some students just aren't Oxbridge shaped. DD wasn't Oxbridge material anyway, but she would have hated Oxford had she been bright enough to go there.

All you can do is support your son. He won't thrive or do well if he is unhappy.

And York is a great city.

ICanHideButICantRun · 09/02/2023 20:39

I'd tell him he should do whatever will make him happy and if that means transferring to York at the end of this academic year, then that's fine. But - there are a few months still to go and I think he should work hard and get involved in social events in his remaining time there (aka stop bloody sulking) - there's no point wasting months of his life wishing he was elsewhere when he will be elsewhere pretty soon.

Darhon · 09/02/2023 20:39

You’re just going to have to own this and use it as an example of when you sometimes have to step back as a parent.

Though, if it helps, I did step back and let my daughter do the course she said she really wanted to do, even though I thought it wasn’t quite the right one for her and I’d recommended she look at some other areas. After a year she swapped course to an area more in line with what I’d suggested.

PacificallyRequested · 09/02/2023 20:40

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Ducksurprise · 09/02/2023 20:41

Tell him you love him, you are proud of him. It takes immense courage to admit when things are not working.
Tell him you did what you thought was best but that you got it wrong, and he needs to do what is best for him and that you support him.
It's OK to get things wrong, the brave bit is giving it a go

tortoiseshellpeppershoes · 09/02/2023 20:41

It‘a up to him. I’ve a hunch he won’t actually like it much better in the end; sounds like he isn’t too keen to put in much hard work and that’s what he doesn’t like. It isn’t unusual to find the first term hard as a new university student anywhere you go. But it’s his choice, so he should take responsibility for it and go where he wants.

Whattheladybird · 09/02/2023 20:42

Many people make the wrong choice of uni.

not many have the guts to do something about it. York will be amazing. And yes, Oxford is amazing, but it is not the only good university in the Uk.

ISeeTheLight · 09/02/2023 20:42

DP turned down Cambridge in favour of Manchester. He had a great time and he has a successful career now.
Let him go to York.

Particularprick · 09/02/2023 20:42

Why did you tell us you went there op? How is it relevant? Because it's made you into a person that forces your son there, or...?

Let him be happy.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/02/2023 20:42

Your son is not you and he has to make his own way, making his own choices. You don't get a vote for how he decides to live his life. As the mother of two adult children, I urge you to learn this quickly.

unclebuck · 09/02/2023 20:44

DS was very out of sorts but found his feet when he made friends (proper friends, not just people he met) towards Easter
May be worth hanging in till the end of the year

hban · 09/02/2023 20:45

My parents made a different but similar decision on my behalf at that age

it was actually wonderful for me. It was the one time I listened to someone else over myself and regretted it. But it proved I knew myself better than anyone else and has given me confidence to listen to my intuition over general societal expectations, which has been such a gift in so many ways

it’s totally understandable why you wanted him to go to Oxford. It’s a great opportunity. Hard to know what’s right. He’s hopefully now learned a valuable lesson to listen to his own voice over others in the future

PermanentTemporary · 09/02/2023 20:45

Argh I really feel for you - and him. But in a short while this will be behind you both. He will feel fantastic having followed his own path and you will feel like you made the best decision you could at the time. Hope it works out really well.

Inkpotlover · 09/02/2023 20:45

Let him go! The poor kid. You need to accept it is his life, not yours - it was wrong to have pushed him to go to Oxford just because you did, when his heart was set on going elsewhere.

Motheranddaughter · 09/02/2023 20:46

I never understand parents who push their DC into particular Unis/courses
FFS let him choose what he wants to do

PurpleReindeer2 · 09/02/2023 20:47

He'll love it in York. Mental heath is so important. Let him follow his own dreams.

MarshaBradyo · 09/02/2023 20:48

I hope he can move, I do feel for him.

SpecialDeliveryServiceIsNeverOnTime · 09/02/2023 20:48

but no need to feel bad! You were doing what you thought was best for him and you’re listening to him now!