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Higher education

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Original poster

DS wants to drop out of Oxford - and it's largely my fault

606 replies

Distressedstudent · 09/02/2023 20:33

My DS is a fresher at Oxford and not enjoying it one bit - the intensive work load, the lack of contact hours, the general 'nerdiness' of it. He had wanted to go to York but, as he was predicted (and got) 4 x A star, we urged him to apply to Oxford (where we went - he had no intention of applying) and then, when he got his offer, to firm it. He very reluctantly agreed after talking to his teachers who said he'd be nuts to turn down Oxford, even though his heart was set on York.

He sees his friends from school having a blast at other universities whereas he has his nose to the grind at Oxford. He is now planning to see his Director of Studies and to see if York will take him from September (to read the same humanities course). He is not interested in my advice as DH and I 'got it wrong' and gave him 'duff advice' (his words).

I am not sure if I am up to replying to anyone kind enough to offer their thoughts because I feel so miserable/disappointed/guilty on his behalf.

OP posts:
endingintiers · 09/02/2023 21:40

Cambridge drop out here. Then went to a Russell Group, got a starred first followed by a masters with distinction. Learnt so much about "failure" through the experience, probably more useful to me as parent of older kid than my degree was (and I work in a very related subject to my degree). Everyone wanted the best, he tried it and it wasn't for him. Don't beat yourself up.

mathanxiety · 09/02/2023 21:40

Agree with @goodbyestranger

Margrethe · 09/02/2023 21:40

You shouldn’t feel guilty OP. You did what most parents would do. You encouraged your DS to go to a prestigious university, where you, yourself had a wonderful experience. This is a caring, rational thing to do.

It’s not going well. A lot if DC at all different universities have a difficult time the first term. It is a big adjustment. It’s hard to know, if a different path would have been better or not. At this point you will have to support him in whatever choice he makes. It’s all you can do. It may turn out to be a bad choice, but it will be his choice.

This thread is an interesting juxtaposition to another thread currently running where the OP’s DD wants to go to Edinburgh but all the other posters are basically saying that she would be mad to pick Edinburgh over Cambridge.

user1465390476 · 09/02/2023 21:41

Honestly, I really can’t see any young person who loves clubbing choosing Oxford.

mast0650 · 09/02/2023 21:41

Please don't feel miserable/disappointed/guilty. There is no reason for any of those emotions and they are not going to do anybody any good.

I absolutely agree with everyone else that he should not be pushed to stay somewhere he is not happy. Oxford is not the best place for everyone, including those who have the ability, and those people will ultimately do better elsewhere. Much better to realise that now and have the courage to step away.

However, if you have any influence at all, do try and encourage him to talk to as many people about this as possible. He may be lacking in confidence academically, and if he is given some encouragement from his tutors he may change his mind. He may be finding the transition hard and should speak to students in higher years to see how they found the first year and how things changed. Maybe have a chat with someone in the welfare team who will talk things through without an agenda.

At the end of the day, if he isn't happy and would rather be elsewhere then I'm sure his tutors would support him leaving. To be perfectly honest, I've had students that I think should probably have left!!

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 09/02/2023 21:42

endingintiers · 09/02/2023 21:40

Cambridge drop out here. Then went to a Russell Group, got a starred first followed by a masters with distinction. Learnt so much about "failure" through the experience, probably more useful to me as parent of older kid than my degree was (and I work in a very related subject to my degree). Everyone wanted the best, he tried it and it wasn't for him. Don't beat yourself up.

A friend did the same and went on to be annoyingly successful 😉 He lazed around at Cambridge but was so much more motivated when he was somewhere he really liked.

Scotty12 · 09/02/2023 21:43

These things happen. You were coming from a good place. Good on him for being so open and honest about how he feels. Let him go to York!

Lavender14 · 09/02/2023 21:44

Seems like you made the best decision you could with the info you had available to you at the time and you made the choices you did with his best interests at heart. So it didn't work out. Not the end of the world, he can go to another uni and thrive there. He won't be the first or last to transfer. I wouldn't beat yourself up about it too much and just help him with the transfer and support him to make his own decisions here on in.

mast0650 · 09/02/2023 21:44

And don't refer to it as "dropping out". He wouldn't dropping out, he would just to choosing to go somewhere that he thinks would suit him better.

SweetSakura · 09/02/2023 21:45

I had Oxbridge ability but refused to apply despite my parents pleas. Never regretted it. I went to the university with the course I wanted to do. I did a prestigious post grad after and there were lots of students from Oxbridge there and I performed top of the group so I know academically I was able but I loved the course I chose instead.

My dad still says he regrets me going. I still don't. I have forged a fascinating career based on the course I studied.

mast0650 · 09/02/2023 21:46

the chapels and choirs and punting

Most students at Oxford have very little to do with chapels and choirs and punting. Well maybe a little bit of punting.

sianiboo · 09/02/2023 21:46

@SeasonFinale My ex husband's take on actually 'using' his History degree would have involved staying in academia, or getting a job directly connected with History...neither of which he has done.

Does having a degree from Oxford still open doors? Of course it does, but he has often said that most people just see the name and have zero idea/interest in what he actually studied.

More importantly, he's pissed off that even when he was legally an adult, his parents still thought they got to make major life decisions for him. He says the fact that he let them, went along with it, more than proves that he was nowhere near mature enough to be there in the first place.

HareAndBear · 09/02/2023 21:47

It's fine - he can restart and it's better than always wondering 'what if?'

Togoodtobeforgotten · 09/02/2023 21:48

Can he transfer? When my son got an interview he was quite relieved that he diddnt get in as he said when he went for lunch there was no charisma or personality in the people that he'd had lunch with he would really have struggled had he been given a place.

Togoodtobeforgotten · 09/02/2023 21:48

And also at least he's tried it

PissedOffAmericanWoman · 09/02/2023 21:49

He’s making the right choice. Oxford is a good school for the right people. The worst case scenario is him staying and burning out on higher education completely. Let him choose his own path.

It’s time for you to let your little bird fly on their own. He’s an adult now. He can make his own decisions for better or for worse.

Tirnanogg · 09/02/2023 21:49

For what it's worth, I contemplated turning down Oxford for Exeter because it felt like a better fit. My grandad gave me a fierce lecture on why I should go to Oxford, and he was right - even though I wasn't a natural Oxford student, it was the right place for me. So you could equally have found yourself in five years trying to explain to your son why you didn't push him towards Oxford!

You can't always get it right; all you can do now is support him.

RemoteControlDoobry · 09/02/2023 21:49

My DS suddenly announced that he wasn’t going to apply to Cambridge. It was a bit disappointing at first (especially as I was hoping for a full bursary at St John’s!) but I think it was the right decision. His sixth form is a very high pressure environment so it’ll be nice for him to be able to relax a bit.

You were trying to do the right thing. Obviously they usually walk straight into a job if they’ve been to Oxbridge but they’ve got to survive the experience first! I know someone with a first from Oxford and she attempted suicide during her time there and has terrible mental health. From what I’ve heard, one of the biggest problems is that every Oxbridge student is used to being the brightest in their year and many of them find it very difficult that they’re suddenly mediocre.

I’m sure York will accept him with four A*s. He’s missed one year….not a big deal and it can be better confidence-wise to be a year older.

Ndd135632 · 09/02/2023 21:50

Ok. I did the same. Years ago. He will regret leaving Oxford. And I felt the exact same at the time. I wanted a fun social life. But Oxford is a gateway to so much x

LeapingCat · 09/02/2023 21:50

York is fantastic. But the students are fairly similar to Oxford (ie yeah, nerdy. It’s not Manchester) and there will be fewer contact hours than Oxford. Less work though, if that’s really the problem.

I hope he gets some good advice from somewhere. He’s missed the application deadline for standard entry, is he thinking of transferring into second year? I think that’s a bad plan. York students live in in first year and then out in second year. He’ll find it harder to get to know people when they’re all living in student houses.

It doesn’t sound like there’s much you can say to influence him, but you could be supportive and ask questions that prompt him to think things through more.

Original poster
Distressedstudent · 09/02/2023 21:51

thank you for all the replies. I urge you to jump on the thread that @Margrethe mentions coz all the posters there are offering the exact opposite advice!

“This thread is an interesting juxtaposition to another thread currently running where the OP’s DD wants to go to Edinburgh but all the other posters are basically saying that she would be mad to pick Edinburgh over Cambridge.”

OP posts:
goodbyestranger · 09/02/2023 21:51

Honestly, I really can’t see any young person who loves clubbing choosing Oxford

I can, very easily. Especially if they are rounded enough to like other stuff too.

That's an extremely narrow view.

WinterFoxes · 09/02/2023 21:52

Let him go to York. It's completely understandable that you did what you did and he might have loved it. But he doesn't, so let him find his own path. I had friends who did the same with their daughter and Cambridge. She hated it, left, went to a Northern uni of her choice then ended up doing a DPhil at Oxford afterwards.

The advice you and his teachers gave was really good, it just happened not to be right for him. He gave it a shot, and it's a valuable lesson to learn this early in life that it is OK to turn your back on what looks good on paper if it's not right for you. That shows courage and self-confidence. I'd be so proud of him for that.

PissedOffAmericanWoman · 09/02/2023 21:52

SweetSakura · 09/02/2023 21:45

I had Oxbridge ability but refused to apply despite my parents pleas. Never regretted it. I went to the university with the course I wanted to do. I did a prestigious post grad after and there were lots of students from Oxbridge there and I performed top of the group so I know academically I was able but I loved the course I chose instead.

My dad still says he regrets me going. I still don't. I have forged a fascinating career based on the course I studied.

Never understood parents who have regrets on behalf of their own adult children. Really unhealthy behaviour. Adult children need to lead their own lives. parents of adult children need to learn to step aside. They aren’t the ones who have to live with the consequences.

Bunce1 · 09/02/2023 21:52

Perhaps it’s an opportunity to take some time out?

Oxford is such a pressured environment and it’s brilliant he has recognised it’s not for him. However. Is he going to York for the fun of it or because it will give him a good balance? It would be useful to scrutinise this.