DS wants to drop out of Oxford - and it's largely my fault

[Distressedstudent]

My DS is a fresher at Oxford and not enjoying it one bit - the intensive work load, the lack of contact hours, the general 'nerdiness' of it. He had wanted to go to York but, as he was predicted (and got) 4 x A star, we urged him to apply to Oxford (where we went - he had no intention of applying) and then, when he got his offer, to firm it. He very reluctantly agreed after talking to his teachers who said he'd be nuts to turn down Oxford, even though his heart was set on York.

He sees his friends from school having a blast at other universities whereas he has his nose to the grind at Oxford. He is now planning to see his Director of Studies and to see if York will take him from September (to read the same humanities course). He is not interested in my advice as DH and I 'got it wrong' and gave him 'duff advice' (his words).

I am not sure if I am up to replying to anyone kind enough to offer their thoughts because I feel so miserable/disappointed/guilty on his behalf.

What’s with all the “let him go” advice. He’s an adult, he doesn’t require OP’s permission.

It is honestly not the end of the world. Both my daughter's had grades to apply to Oxford/Cambridge and neither applied. They knew they wanted a better uni experience and they were not cut out for it. My eldest had a mentor from a gifted group the school put her in who was at Cambridge (Law) and was always always working and my daughter said it sounded really hard and pressured and no fun at all. When it comes to student loans, they will quite likely not get paid back anyway so starting again at another uni is really not any big deal. I don't believe that it sounds like he doesn't want to work (as someone said), he probably just wants a better balance which is fair enough. Uni should also be enjoyed. Just find out what he needs to do to go to York and do it. Make it clear to him that you made a mistake and are sorry and just want him to be happy.

My niece left Oxford after a term of really hating it. My sister went through similar feelings to you. She went to a different university, loved it and never looked back. She is very successful now in her career and has never once regretted leaving. It just wasn’t for her. The daughter of a friend on a completely different course at Oxford did the same after a year. Also much happier afterwards and has done extremely well. Her parents were also upset at the time but also worried about her. At the end of the day you want your son to be happy and live his life, not recreate yours. He’ll be fine.

Nobody's fault but if unhappy let him move

DB turned down Cambridge for Durham, never regretted it. Sometimes oxbridge just isn't right for people. I love Oxford but if you want to be out partying and living a wilder student ilfe, it isn't right. I went to a redbrick and whilst I got a good degree, it was the growing up I did during my time there that was the most valuable.
Let him move to York.

Def support him.

I would encourage him to make the most of a few months and go travelling if he can. Hopefully it can all be sorted with York.

Ps my dh went to oxbridge I went to a big northern city. We’ve often talked about our very different experiences. I am so glad I didn’t go to oxbridge (obviously he is glad he went and that’s fine)

He's brave to have made the decision. I can't fathom why you didn't encourage him to go to York in the first place, can't imagine having told my kids they should go somewhere because I'd been or it sounded better when they'd clearly told me their preference.

My sister went to Cambridge and I had the same grades as her but would have hated it so much. My parents didn't push me as they got how different we are.

I have a family member who was heavily encouraged to go to Cambridge, they were miserable and I'd say are still feeling the effect of it a decade later. Almost like a kind of PTSD. It's not for everyone, and that's not a reflection on intelligence.

Feel proud that your DS knows himself well enough and has the confidence to make changes to prioritise his wellbeing.

I wanted to go to York but got offered a place at Oxford.
I thought "no one turns down Oxford" and went.
Part of me still wishes I'd gone to York. A lot of the reason I didn't was that I didn't want to let other people down.

Clearly it's amazing coincidence that your DS has a dilemma between the same universities. Please let him follow his own path.

It’s totally understandable that if you went and enjoyed it and he got stellar grades you’d encourage him to go. Don’t be too hard on yourself. My DS1 looked at Oxbridge and it wasn’t for him. Neither was Durham. DS2 is likely to be the same. I also know young people who’ve been and dropped out or persevered and hated it. I know my two would hate the stuffy atmosphere, the chapels and choirs and punting. They’re just not made that way. They’ve grown up in an exciting city, love football and the latest music. Horses for courses.

Don’t be a twat. It’s obvious that she means that she was happy at Oxford, so was hoping for the same, positive experience for her DS.

You did what you thought was best for him, so don't beat yourself up about it. It might have worked out.

York is a lovely city though. I know it very well.

My DD’s boyfriend (at the time) had a very similar wobble halfway through first year. For almost identical reasons, the workload, pressure, envious of friends at other unis having more free time & more fun apparently. Was also thinking of giving up & reapplying to York!

I think also he was someone who had easily always been top of his class all the way through school & suddenly everyone around him was just as clever if not more so.

He did decide to stay on - I think perhaps he decided that he would ease off a bit & be happy with lower grades to give him more balance in his life.

I think you need to reassure him that he needs to make whatever decision he feels he needs to make. However, I would encourage him to stay this year and make the best of it as he may well settle by Easter. If he doesn't then the decision is even more clear.

My daughter is in her second year at Cambridge. She felt she was missing out a lot on social life, and should have gone to Edinburgh. She has stayed at C, I don't know if that is the right decision for her.

I have one at Oxford, who chose to go there and absolutely loves it. My other DC are at different universities (with less "cachet"), and love them. XH went to Oxford, and I turned down an offer from Oxford to go to a redbrick. You've done nothing wrong; it didn't work out, and everyone moves on. You can't allow or not allow your DS to do anything - all you can do is congratulate him on having come to this decision and having been brave enough to say that Oxford isn't for him, even when all the pressure is on him to think and say that it is.

The thing is you've had your chance to lead the life you wanted to lead. You can't then lead your children's life for them. There comes a point where we no longer know what's best for our children, and choosing which university to go to, is absolutely that point.

Your son has to live and study there, not you. If it's not for him and he'd be happier somewhere else, you should support him. It's an amazing opportunity for many people, to go to uni and it's really important to go to the right one.

English at York is first rate and if he gets more contact with professors and is ultimately more visible in a smaller campus community all the better. He sounds like a pretty smart kid maybe you should trust him to make his own decisions!

If it helps I know people who dropped out of Oxford and went on to have glittering academic careers. It isn't for everyone and he is still going to receive a first rate education at York. You've done a good job with him.

I don't think you've really done wrong. Anyone can see your reasons for having steered him towards Oxford. The real test is now. You're listening to him and supporting his move. That's what really counts.

I turned down Durham to go to Hull. Not a millisecond of regret here.

Both myself and my ex husband went to Oxford - I read Law, he read History. Ex husband went straight from school, so he was 18. I went as a mature student, I was 25 (and just divorced from my 1st husband).

My ex husband didn't actually want to do History, he wanted to study English, his parents wanted him to do Law...so History was actually a 'compromise' on both sides. Ex husband got 2:1 but admits he could have got a First if he'd actually studied hard/ liked the subject. That was over 30 years ago, he's still pissed off at his parents for basically forcing him to do a subject he wasn't interested in. He's done nothing with his History degree, his Masters is in a different subject and he works as a news editor.

Your son is over 18, he's an adult, let him decide what he wants to study and where. Unless your heart is really in it, Oxford can be a very miserable place to be.

Two pieces of advice I’ve received recently:

1. a good university is only good if it’s good for you
2. what you do at university is so much more important than the university you go to. Rather a 2:1 from York than a fail or 3rd (or whatever it’s called) from Oxford.

I didn’t go to university in the UK, I went to the equivalent abroad. Both of these things were true 30 years ago and remain true now. There’s no time limit on doing right or wrong by our kids. What you and he do at this point is so so so much more important than not finishing up at Oxford.

It is his life. He needs to feel empowered to make his own choices and follow his own path.

Let him know you love him and support him no matter what.