DS wants to drop out of Oxford - and it's largely my fault

[Distressedstudent]

My DS is a fresher at Oxford and not enjoying it one bit - the intensive work load, the lack of contact hours, the general 'nerdiness' of it. He had wanted to go to York but, as he was predicted (and got) 4 x A star, we urged him to apply to Oxford (where we went - he had no intention of applying) and then, when he got his offer, to firm it. He very reluctantly agreed after talking to his teachers who said he'd be nuts to turn down Oxford, even though his heart was set on York.

He sees his friends from school having a blast at other universities whereas he has his nose to the grind at Oxford. He is now planning to see his Director of Studies and to see if York will take him from September (to read the same humanities course). He is not interested in my advice as DH and I 'got it wrong' and gave him 'duff advice' (his words).

I am not sure if I am up to replying to anyone kind enough to offer their thoughts because I feel so miserable/disappointed/guilty on his behalf.

I agree with the other thread OP. Oxford has opened so many doors for me. And it’s 3 years of experience. Was an eye opener for me. And I wanted a more fun uni. But I would never change it.

I have several friends from my time at Oxford who found during the first year that it wasn’t for them. One went to another university, a couple left higher education completely and became chefs. They all thrived. You don’t know how you’ll respond to Oxbridge before you get there so don’t feel guilty. You’re able to change and adapt as you need.

Let him make his own mistakes and what does it matter it’s still university.

I turned down Cambridge and LSE in favour of Kent because the course at Kent was much better (for the direction I wanted to go in). My parents didn't get a say (which caused plenty of rows at the time). It never held me back and I don't regret it for a second (and I earn 6 figures in the City now so it was the right decision for me).

You need to support your son moving to York OP.

My goodness - reading the recent posts - what a lot of tripe is being written about modern day Oxford.

Just because Oxford was right for you and your DH doesn't mean it is right for him.

I applied to Oxford and several teachers who I respected and knew me well encouraged me to choose a different university because they knew I wouldn't have thrived in that environment. I went to a different university and thoroughly enjoyed it.

I think you should be proud of your son for recognising that this isn't what is right for him and taking steps to change it. Staying somewhere that makes you miserable will destroy your mental health. He's doing the right thing.

Is he sure that it is actually Oxford he doesn't like or could it be that he is finding his first year tough?

I hated my first year at uni (not Oxford) but once I found my "tribe" I started to enjoy it a lot more.

Two of my close friends went to Oxford and have absolutely no resemblance to the "nerds" he is describing.

It's a really big change from school and can sometimes take a while to settle down. To be honest I wouldn't classify my years at uni as some of my best although I did do a lot of partying.😁

It’s a view based on the very many people I know who went to Oxbridge. It’s not the bustling metropolis that some people want at that age. Its not a criticism. Some young people obviously love the vibe of Oxbridge.

I think you need to have a non judgmental (of you or him) talk. You can explain why you encouraged Oxford - that you loved it, and that an Oxbridge degree undoubtedly opens doors so you wanted him to have those opportunities - but that you recognise that the Oxbridge way of teaching and learning isn't right for everyone, neither is the more general hothouse environment.

I suspect he hasn't really thrown himself into it because he didn't want to go there. My niece and nephew both went to Cambridge and certainly didn't lack social lives. But it will depend on the personalities of the other students as to how well that pans out. He got 4 x A*, he'll do well whichever uni he gets his degree from.

It’s only February - he could change his mind by Sept.

I moved unis from a more prestigious uni to a less prestigious one to be with my boyfriend (BAD decision in retrospect 🙄🙄 but I had no one advising me except said boyfriend).

They took me straight into the second year. it was fine. Things happen - if he’s convinced he will be happier I’m not sure there’s much you can do 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Went to York Uni, used to be called the University of Dork when I went there 😂. Chose it for the course and met lovely ppl but the campus/accommodation wasn’t that great.

also anecdotally 6/10 of my first halls group either quit or started again in another subject. Must have been a statistical anomaly though!

also don’t meet many graduates professionally!

just as balance! Think all unis can be bad/good depending on meeting your crowd.

Why does a thread about Oxford not suiting one person always turn into this kind of comment. It just makes it seem sour grapes for not getting an offer.

Of course Oxford isn’t right for everyone and the OPs son sounds amazingly self aware and capable of making good life choices on the back of having tried and decided it’s not for him but it’s probably a good thing he gave Oxford a go as he may always have wondered what if otherwise.

All the ‘I once met someone who studied at Oxford and they were <insert derogatory comment here> type posts in the world does not change the fact it is an amazing highly regarded institution that for many, many people is the pinnacle of what they hoped to achieve academically and opens so many doors. Suggesting it’s a rubbish uni full of weirdos is such a lame argument.

It opens many doors. Stick it out.

Gosh, I think I'd feel the same in your situation OP but it's his life after all. I went to Cambridge. It was hard work and I didn't have much time for "fun". I did well, and I'm sure having it on my CV did help with my career (lawyer) but it wasn't a very social fun time.

DW is super-successful (also a lawyer), far more so than I am, and was an academic superstar so definitely could have gone to Oxford or Cambridge. She deliberately chose not to apply to either, and to go to another RG uni so that she'd have time to pursue her sporting activities and have fun. Hasn't done her any harm whatsoever.

Sounds like your son has a good head on his shoulders and wants a bit more balance in his life. York is a great uni.

A long time ago obviously but a girl transferred from York to Durham and joined us as second years there, assuming the transfer would solve all her problems. But the problems just followed her to Durham, because they stemmed from within not without.

Poor guy - got into Oxford and you're still disappointed !

I was encouraged, by my school, to apply for Oxbridge. I told my parents I'd never be able to cope with it.

I'm not sure what you're asking - is it another year of financial support if he has start from scratch?

you did the best you could with the info you had, now let him make his choice.

I actually got so sick of the whole uni application thing, I packed it in and decided to go through clearing. By the time clearing arrived, I knew I wanted to earn and study so chose a course with low contact hours. I didn't even know what to study but the teachers thought they had it sorted.

It's a sign of strength that he is going to reject something that hasn't worked for him, in spite of what the world might think.

@Tumbleweeder weirdos is your word. I haven’t seen anybody else say that. I don’t understand people trying to pretend Oxbridge isn’t quite sedate compared to other cities. That’s great for the young people who want that.

@tortoiseshellpeppershoes gives good advice! He definitely needs to understand what it is he wants from the experience. As a couple of other posters have also mentioned, contact time at York is a lot less. I suppose it may depend on the subject. History was 2 hours a week when I was there (admittedly 20 years ago!). Also worth considering the burden of an additional year of fees etc unless he can easily transfer.

Echoing those who are admiring your son's confidence and problem solving capacities - he's tried it (in the teeth of his own instincts), he doesn't like it, he wants to go elsewhere and he's working out how to do that. L-I-S-T-E-N to him! I was miserable at my university, but had no clue how to change my situation, it would have upset my parents to even say it wasn't working for me; so I put up with it, got more and more stuck, ended up with a mediocre degree and really wasted my university years and the decade afterwards. He is not me, of course, and he's certainly not you, no matter that you enjoyed your years there.

So be proud that you have raised a lad who knows his own mind and is prepared to act and change his situation. And be humble about the fact that even the best-intentioned of parents don't always get it right.

Also one of my school friends did a term at Oxford and dropped out, re-started at UCL and has had a great career. It's just not for everyone. One of DD's friends is in her first year at Oxford and DD says that compared to all their other friends from college, this one has absolutely no time for social life or any non-academic activities because the short terms mean it's just so intense. That's what I remember too.

I left Cambridge half way through my second term. I felt like a fish out of water and despite having straight As at both GCSE and A Level, I found the work insanely tough and didn't adjust well to being a tiny fish in a huge pond of equally (and frequently much more) academically capable students.

I stated again at a very average university (less prestigious than York), had fun, got an easy First and offers from several of what were the Big Five (are they still called that?) on graduation.

Support the move!

He sounds very sensible and aware. You sound as if you're beating yourself up, and I'm not sure you should. Yes, you perhaps pushed too hard, but you wanted the best for him. The only thing now is to be supportive of his choice to go to York.

Honestly, though, York and Oxford are both good - York is a good, well-respected university. It's not as if he's made a major change from academic studies to something totally different. I think you just need to keep reassuring him that you support him, and occasionally pointing out that you gave him the best advice you could - and that, now, as he is an adult, he will often have to take your advice with a pinch of salt.

Also it sounds like York might have significantly more clubs/nightlife then when I was there! We used to complain about it all the time.