DS wants to drop out of Oxford - and it's largely my fault

[Distressedstudent]

My DS is a fresher at Oxford and not enjoying it one bit - the intensive work load, the lack of contact hours, the general 'nerdiness' of it. He had wanted to go to York but, as he was predicted (and got) 4 x A star, we urged him to apply to Oxford (where we went - he had no intention of applying) and then, when he got his offer, to firm it. He very reluctantly agreed after talking to his teachers who said he'd be nuts to turn down Oxford, even though his heart was set on York.

He sees his friends from school having a blast at other universities whereas he has his nose to the grind at Oxford. He is now planning to see his Director of Studies and to see if York will take him from September (to read the same humanities course). He is not interested in my advice as DH and I 'got it wrong' and gave him 'duff advice' (his words).

I am not sure if I am up to replying to anyone kind enough to offer their thoughts because I feel so miserable/disappointed/guilty on his behalf.

One of mine was the same with Imperial for medicine
Just didn’t want to go, didn’t want to be in London
We thought he was mad to turn down the offer but it was ultimately his choice
He loves where he is.
Its not the top medic uni, but there’s nothing more important than their happiness.

I also turned down a top uni as it was non campus based and went for a campus based uni that I loved as soon as I saw it.
It never affected me negatively

I genuinely have no idea what the problem is. It sounds like you have a very bright switched on son that knows what he wants and values happiness AND ambition. Stop offering advice, he is clearly able to make choices for himself.

You pushed him to go where YOU wanted him to go, he didn't want to go and is unhappy, yes this is your doing. Hopefully he picked his own course and you didn't influence that too? Good luck to him getting into the uni he actually wants to go to. You need to let him live his own life and make his own decisions.

be proud of him for his reslience, smartness and maturity for recognising its not for him..... really good skills and qualities for the future.... imagine the interview question answers he will have for the future!

I hope others read this and learn not to push DC into what they want.

I'm sure it will be ok. Apologize for pushing him into your life not his and own your fuck up.

I turned down Oxford for Manchester. Visited a friend in Oxford and thought thank god I went to a vibrant city university. University life is about so much more than the cachet of saying Oxbridge.

I would countersigned he has indeed done plenty with his history degree.

"Let him go"???? He doesn't need her permission, he's an adult, he can do whatever he likes.

I pushed first dd in terms of a level choices/ degree etc. she was unhappy and ended up changing. I left 2dd to make her own choices. Lesson learnt.

Seconding that Oxford can be really grim if you're not in the mood for it - damp, grey, depressing. I'd let him go to York if he wants. I've known plenty of people drop out of prestigious unis because they weren't the right fit for them. Weirdly, similar to PP I know two people who dropped out of Imperial after a year - one who went to Cambridge and one Loughborough instead. They're both thriving and successful now.

That being said, I went to Oxford and spent most of my time drinking, clubbing, shagging unsuitable men and running around in cocktail dresses and unfeasibly tiny miniskirts, so...it is possible to have fun (maybe too much fun...) if you put your mind to it.

There is no guarantee that your DS will be happy at York. What exactly is it that is causing his unhappiness? Do Directors of Studies exist at Oxford? My DC have never had one.

All these posters saying York will be great. But will it? I would drill down to what is causing the problem. Moving is often not the answer.

Also, so many Oxford kids are the opposite of nerds - perhaps he has had bad luck finding his sort. I have had eight kids at Oxford and there's not one who remotely resembles a nerd.

English at York is great; it’s a great department, but there most definitely won’t be more contact time.

At Oxford the contact time is lectures (you can go to as many as you want), occasional seminars, plus tutorials (small group or 1-1 - usually 1-2 each week). York also has lectures and occasional seminars, but there won’t be the small tutorials until third year dissertation, if then.

The contact time thing in the OP is a bit of a puzzle. OP’s son says he doesn’t like the lack of contact time, but he’ll get less at York, not more. (And lectures depend on actually going to them.) There will be fewer essays and assignments at York though, by a long way; and much less individual attention from lecturers or tutors.

Hence my suspicion that he isn’t necessarily being that realistic about what he wants. He should research the course thoroughly before deciding. There’ll definitely be less work, but there will be fewer contact hours. Depends what he really wants, really.

OP, it’s completely understandable that you wanted your DS to attend Oxford, if he got the grades, which he did.
I’ve have advised him to do the same, in your shoes tbh. He’s gone and now he knows it’s not for him. He’s got the ´what if’ out of the way.

Well done to him for acknowledging his struggle and seeking to change it. i’d be proud.

@Everyonehasavoice there isn’t really top medical schools and they tend to cycle the issues around the country so one will be a disaster because all the teaching staff left because they don’t like the dean, then they move type situation. There are medical schools that are more difficult to get into due to student demand but at graduation they all come out with the same degree and enter the same junior doctor pathway in the NHS.

I’m just saying this in case someone’s child gets into imperial for medicine, worried they can’t help with London living costs and worry it’ll impact their child future career as a doctor. Amazing your son got in as he will have been against stiff competition!

Tbh my parents wanted me to go to Oxford but after the interview I just knew it wasn’t for me (my accent actually got insulted by a lecturer during it 🫠) and not going was the best decision of my life. I think you need to follow your child’s lead on this one.

Nerdiness may be a relative concept to young people. I can guarantee that a lot of young people who have grown up where I live would class students who like singing in choirs, dressing in chinos and many other Oxbridge habits as nerdy. It’s not what they’re used to.

My son is really intelligent and could of gone to any university with his grades, he studied at BIMM and has a degree in bass guitar, it was his passion and he loved it there.

I went to Oxford and had a great time. You can have an amazing social life there and the extra-curricular stuff is world-class. But I didn’t get sucked into the pressure and was pretty average. I had friends who worked constantly, got firsts and were miserable. It doesn’t sound like he’s that open to advice any more, but if he were I’d be asking if there’s anything he could change to make the experience more palatable (eg could he do the bare minimum academically and explore extra curricular stuff?)

I think I have a fairly objective view of what constitutes a nerd. There are loads of kids at Oxford who drink, go to clubs, dabble in sport at whatever level, can't sing choral music to save their life. Absolutely loads. Those kids aren't nerds but they are clever and very often they are very good company.

My mother forced me to accept my place at Cambridge; I was desperate to go to Leeds, but it just wasn’t an option.

I cried every day on the phone to her in my first term as I couldn’t stand it there. It took me until my final year to really enjoy it.

It’s tough, because on one hand I’m grateful I stayed and had many wonderful opportunities, but I do wish my opinion had counted and I think I would have had a better experience elsewhere.

I really hope you all manage to get the situation resolved and do not punish yourself for encouraging him to pursue an avenue that many people enjoy, but which clearly isn’t for everyone.

Saying this gently op but I think you are getting this slightly out of proportion.

You and your dh did your very best for your son, as you read the situation at the time, and you both know the advantage that an Oxbridge degree could potentially bring to your son when it comes to getting a job and he’s out in the wider world.

Yes we need to be aware and respond to
what our teenagers and young adults want for themselves and apologise where apologies are due, but I don’t think self-flagellation is necessary!

Being a fresher at any university is stressful and there’s no certainty that your son will love life at York. In fact I wouldn’t advise him to burn his boats totally with Oxford as he may feel very differently in September. Equally, he may thrive at York and have no regrets about leaving Oxford but there will be pros and cons attached to both decisions.

Ds1 is at Oxford, it’s so tough! He has had ups and downs but seems determined to stick it out. If he wanted to leave as I had thought he would at certain points I would have been supportive. Wellbeing has to come first.

Well done to your ds for having a plan, now is the time to support him making his own choices.

I must admit neither DH or I got involved in our dses university choices. It would have gone down like a lead balloon anyway🤣🤣

Yup, let your clever boy get on with it and step back

There's no partying at Oxford?

Gobsmacked...

I hope your DS sticks with Oxford and diddles along doing the minimum, meets all the non nerdy people and leans that there are people everywhere who you love and people who just aren't your type. Moving to York may be a double whammy. He needs to really really think before he finds himself at York and potentially even more down. Apologies if I've missed this, but what is his subject?

Ducksurprise · Today 20:41
''Tell him you love him, you are proud of him. It takes immense courage to admit when things are not working.
Tell him you did what you thought was best but that you got it wrong, and he needs to do what is best for him and that you support him.
It's OK to get things wrong, the brave bit is giving it a go''

The above response from Ducksurprise is perfect! I completely understand why you encouraged your son to go to Oxford - completely get it. My son was also Oxbridge material and applied to Cambridge but ended up elsewhere, as was his ultimate decision. I won't deny I was a bit disappointed but ... it was his choice and I made that clear to him from day 1. In the end, you have to let your child choose himself as he is the one who will have to live through that experience. He has tired, done his best but feels it is not for him. Praise him for feeling able to speak to you because so many youngsters don't. Your son's happiness and mental wellbeingtakes priority. Help him to do his utmost to change and tell him you will support him. The rest is up to him. Big hug - it's so tough seeing your child unhappy x