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Higher education

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Original poster

DS wants to drop out of Oxford - and it's largely my fault

606 replies

Distressedstudent · 09/02/2023 20:33

My DS is a fresher at Oxford and not enjoying it one bit - the intensive work load, the lack of contact hours, the general 'nerdiness' of it. He had wanted to go to York but, as he was predicted (and got) 4 x A star, we urged him to apply to Oxford (where we went - he had no intention of applying) and then, when he got his offer, to firm it. He very reluctantly agreed after talking to his teachers who said he'd be nuts to turn down Oxford, even though his heart was set on York.

He sees his friends from school having a blast at other universities whereas he has his nose to the grind at Oxford. He is now planning to see his Director of Studies and to see if York will take him from September (to read the same humanities course). He is not interested in my advice as DH and I 'got it wrong' and gave him 'duff advice' (his words).

I am not sure if I am up to replying to anyone kind enough to offer their thoughts because I feel so miserable/disappointed/guilty on his behalf.

OP posts:
OldFan · 09/02/2023 22:10

Don't feel guilty @Distressedstudent , there won't be any negative impact of him having had this year at Oxford. Ok you and his teachers understandably encouraged him to try it as it'd be the best education most people could imagine. So you didn't do anything wrong in advising that. It's not for him maybe, but that doesn't mean you did anything 'wrong.'

Maybe let him try his own things in life now and just be there if he needs you for help/support. x

RampantIvy · 09/02/2023 22:10

goodbyestranger · 09/02/2023 21:51

Honestly, I really can’t see any young person who loves clubbing choosing Oxford

I can, very easily. Especially if they are rounded enough to like other stuff too.

That's an extremely narrow view.

But as all of your DC went to Oxford one could say that your view is just as narrow. Your DC were very obviously "Oxbridge shaped", not every student is.

XelaM · 09/02/2023 22:10

OP - my brother wanted to drop out of Cambridge despite doing unbelievably well in all exams, but my parents convinced him to stay. He stuck it out (reluctantly) and got a First. Now he doesn't regret it and has been extremely successful in his career even though he's still only 27.

I would tell him to stick it out.

RobertaFirmino · 09/02/2023 22:14

Ruesy · 09/02/2023 21:33

My son is really intelligent and could of gone to any university with his grades, he studied at BIMM and has a degree in bass guitar, it was his passion and he loved it there.

A degree in bass guitar! Wow, that sounds cool as f... I bet he's having a great life having studied that!

Firestones · 09/02/2023 22:15

I made the wrong choice. Went to imperial college. Very expensive (student halls were in Notting hill, no proper campus) and I was a different class to most people I knew there. They were mostly privately educated and many knew each other before. They spent holidays travelling (skiing or travels round india) and I spent my holiday working in a shop to earn money.

No men were interested in me as I just wasn’t posh enough. I felt lonely most of the time as my mates all got boyfriends.

i transferred to a uni that was about 20 or so in the league. I much preferred it. I had a blast!

imperial had work that was MUCH harder. I really had to work hard to even get 60%.

my new university… much easier and let’s just say I won prizes for academic excellence!

it cost me though… my student loan is still pretty big and I’m in my 40s.

all my imperial flatmates/classmates work in finance/law/banking/medicine. I kinda regret leaving in that way. Job prospects are really very good for some universities.

I think I would love imperial now because I would have the balls to stand up for myself and love myself for who I am. At 18 it was very very tough.

MrsFrugal · 09/02/2023 22:16

My DS is at York studying geography she loves it. Don't blame yourself OP, of course Oxford is a great uni on paper, it's how you deal with it now that matters. It will all work out

OhCrumbsWhereNow · 09/02/2023 22:17

What does he want from university? He needs to be very sure of that and that York will deliver. Also his future career - is he set on one particular path and would Oxford make that easier?

DH went to Oxford - he'll say he didn't enjoy it that much, but he had an amazing social life as well as having to work very hard when I dig into it. And the vast majority of the people he works and socialises with 30 years on are people he was at university with.

I wanted to apply to Cambridge, and massively regret being talked out of it at the time. I went to a very respected RG to do the same course and was bored to tears. The social life was fantastic, but we had 6 hours lectures a week, an essay a term and no tutorials or anything to spend time on. By the time I decided to leave, over a third of my fellow course members had also left. The senior tutor tried to talk me into staying because it looked bad for them that so many students had left... but couldn't offer a single incentive for me to continue.

I took a few years out, and then went to do a completely different course which meant being in class 9-5 for 5 days a week, projects to be handed in every fortnight and a 3 month placement in the industry (my placement then offered me a contract on graduation).

I wanted a course that fed my real interest in the subject far more than I wanted the wild social life (you can do that later when you actually have some money!)

If your DS wants to move because the course at York is more focused on his interests, more contact hours etc then that is one thing.

If he wants to move because he wants more of a university social life and less of the work side, then I suspect he will ultimately massively regret it.

I now work in a sector where 90% of my colleagues went to Oxbridge. I am a complete anomaly with my particular qualifications. People tend to assume I went to Oxford and ask my college a lot - there are lots of raised eyebrows when I correct them. I've had to work twice as hard to get where I have in my industry because I don't have the expected qualifications (v respectable RG but still unusual path).

watchfulwishes · 09/02/2023 22:17

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 09/02/2023 21:00

Don’t be a twat. It’s obvious that she means that she was happy at Oxford, so was hoping for the same, positive experience for her DS.

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But it is a strange thing to refer to it at all, as it is irrelevant. I took it to mean the OP was biased towards Oxford, and not neutral towards it.

reddwarfgeek · 09/02/2023 22:19

York is a gorgeous, fun city. I think he'll have a good time there. Theres a placement student from York at my workplace at the moment. She loves it, and is a polite bright girl.

Do not beat yourself up, you did what you thought was right. I don't blame you for encouraging Oxford as your DS got the grades, I'd probably have done the same in your shoes. Just anecdotally but I know several straight A students who found Oxford so tough and dropped out. It sounds so intense. I'm not sure exactly what you have to do to thrive there.

Having said that, it's still early days. He's barely half way through first year. If he finds a club he likes or makes some different friends, it could be a difference story in 3 months. If not, definitely let him see through the move to York. I'm sure you'll support him either way. Good luck!

Tubs11 · 09/02/2023 22:23

A thriving son at York is worth tenfold a mediocre experience at Oxford

EmmaEmerald · 09/02/2023 22:24

OhCrumbs an essay a term? I had an essay each week. Probably different a different era.

TheodoreMortlock · 09/02/2023 22:25

An alternative perspective @Distressedstudent - I felt much like your DS at the end of my first term at Oxford. I was offered a full time job after working (illicitly - we weren't meant to!) in the holiday and was on the brink of dropping out. My parents persuaded me to stay until the end of the first year, see how I did in my mods, and get a job or transfer elsewhere then, since if I went elsewhere I'd have to repeat the first year anyway. Things picked up enormously in the next two terms and I ended up staying and really enjoying it.

Ndd135632 · 09/02/2023 22:26

XelaM · 09/02/2023 22:10

OP - my brother wanted to drop out of Cambridge despite doing unbelievably well in all exams, but my parents convinced him to stay. He stuck it out (reluctantly) and got a First. Now he doesn't regret it and has been extremely successful in his career even though he's still only 27.

I would tell him to stick it out.

Agree. Stick it out. It makes your cv stand out.

Original poster
Distressedstudent · 09/02/2023 22:30

OF COURSE I was biased towards Oxford @watchfulwishes - it is one of the best unis in the country and opens all sorts of doors! But it hasn’t worked out for DS - he doing well academically (got a high 2.1 in first term exams) but dislikes the ‘hothouse’ intensity and, sorry, the twee nerdiness (so much focus on library, chapel, formals, punting). Wants more fun from uni essentially. We will support him emotionally and financially at York. Should he transfer in to second year or restart as a fresher (he favours the latter but recognises we have a say as he needs us to top up his maintenance loan from minimum to maximum). Fresher probably best I think, despite cost?

OP posts:
whatchaos · 09/02/2023 22:30

Particularprick · 09/02/2023 20:42

Why did you tell us you went there op? How is it relevant? Because it's made you into a person that forces your son there, or...?

Let him be happy.

Isn’t it the rule that if you go to Oxford or Cambridge you just have to say it?!

Astrabees · 09/02/2023 22:31

My eldest son wanted to go to Oxford and got a place but he still found it very difficult for the first two terms. As the terms are only 8 weeks the pressure of work is intense and although he is sociable he didn’t make any friends in the first few weeks. There was pressure to do quite grown up social stuff such as tutors drinks parties. I was very worried about him for the first term. If he had decided on a transfer I would have supported him. Fortunately for him he did eventually get settled but it isn’t easy.

OldFan · 09/02/2023 22:31

I loved the other students in Aberdeen but didn't bond with anyone in Birmingham Uni Classics department (or Birmingham Uni in general) - too posh! I did well in the end although it took me a few more years, just didn't have any friends there.

The course at Aberdeen didn't suit me though, which is why I transferred.

I thought the idea of being at Uni was square and uncool really, but I'm glad I got my degree, it's a boost in an otherwise not conventionally successful life.

bellswithwhistles · 09/02/2023 22:31

I got into Oxford. I felt very proud. Utter nightmare. Moved to Nottingham and had an amazing time.

Oxford is not the be all and end all - at all.

Most of my friends from Nottingham earn in excess of 6 figures!

stepstepstep · 09/02/2023 22:32

Loads of people struggle at any University in their first term & the grass is always greener. If this was any other University people would be staying ‘stick it out’. An Oxbridge education gives you privilege that money can’t possibly buy. If you’ve earned your place & been given that privilege it strikes me as pretty naive to throw it away in your first term because it’s hard work & everyone else is having more fun…

Ndd135632 · 09/02/2023 22:32

@Distressedstudent this is another 2.5 years. He has the rest of his life to socialise. I mean let him do what he likes I guess but Oxford on your cv opens so many doors. I didn’t particularly enjoy the social side but knew what it brought later on. And it did ! How lucky he got in.

Topseyt123 · 09/02/2023 22:32

He's a courageous young man to admit that Oxford isn't right for him and to seek to do something about it.

Prestigious it may be, but Oxbridge certainly isn't right for everyone. Other universities are great too.

My DD1 turned Oxford down in favour of Warwick, where she had an absolute blast, got a first in her degree and is now doing very well in her chosen career.

My DD3 is in her third year (year abroad) at Cambridge. Her choice entirely. She does like it, but not unreservedly. It is very intense as others have already said, and that is very often to the exclusion of all else that isn't academic study.

If your DS is sure that he wants to make this change then support him in his quest to find out how to go about it. Support him without being pushy and trying to influence him. He needs to make his own decisions and not feel that he is at odds with his parents over it.

2Bornot · 09/02/2023 22:33

Oxbridge can and do sometimes make phone calls to get their struggling students moved to a different university. I know someone who was strongly advised by their Director of Studies to transfer to Kings.

As a first step asking Director of Studies for help is a good move.

It does sound like you’ve given too much advice, maybe apologise and say you tried your best and are sad you got this so wrong. I studied the wrong degree for me because my mum thought it a brilliant subject and put down all the degrees I was more interested in. It happens, but yes I’m still bitter! Apologising and asking if you can help at all (eg with wasted costs) is a good first step.

PerilousCorridor · 09/02/2023 22:33

tortoiseshellpeppershoes · 09/02/2023 21:29

English at York is great; it’s a great department, but there most definitely won’t be more contact time.

At Oxford the contact time is lectures (you can go to as many as you want), occasional seminars, plus tutorials (small group or 1-1 - usually 1-2 each week). York also has lectures and occasional seminars, but there won’t be the small tutorials until third year dissertation, if then.

The contact time thing in the OP is a bit of a puzzle. OP’s son says he doesn’t like the lack of contact time, but he’ll get less at York, not more. (And lectures depend on actually going to them.) There will be fewer essays and assignments at York though, by a long way; and much less individual attention from lecturers or tutors.

Hence my suspicion that he isn’t necessarily being that realistic about what he wants. He should research the course thoroughly before deciding. There’ll definitely be less work, but there will be fewer contact hours. Depends what he really wants, really.

Show quote history

This. It doesn’t sound to me like a matter of Oxford vs York as such, it’s more a matter of whether this is an example of the fairly widespread first year undergraduate wobble, which can be, but isn’t always, institution-specific.

Ndd135632 · 09/02/2023 22:33

stepstepstep · 09/02/2023 22:32

Loads of people struggle at any University in their first term & the grass is always greener. If this was any other University people would be staying ‘stick it out’. An Oxbridge education gives you privilege that money can’t possibly buy. If you’ve earned your place & been given that privilege it strikes me as pretty naive to throw it away in your first term because it’s hard work & everyone else is having more fun…

Fully agree

Copasetic · 09/02/2023 22:34

Would it be possible to transfer to the second year? It usually isn't as modules are different between unis. I think that is a decision for him taking it all into account but I think probably starting year 1 would be best to get the full experience.