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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

We are letting DD down already!

196 replies

Festoonlights · 24/07/2022 12:19

I would really appreciate some wisdom. DD is making her choices for universities. Her predicted grades are AA and A in maths, biology and geography - she is also currently doing a fourth in economics predicted an A although she is thinking to drop econ.

She is passionate about environmental sustainability and loves field work and wants to mix it with ecology etc at Edinburgh or do a straight biology degree. Dh after much research is imploring her to mix this with environmental sustainability with economics as the job prospects are so limited with biology and biosciences/environmental science. He seems to think the job market is tight and badly paid in bio areas. DD does enjoy econ but prefers more fun subjects.

Dd is a bright and capable student, but we are getting very lost as to how to help her make a decision, she isn’t fixed on anything atm.

Battle lines are becoming apparent as dh says environmental stuff is a hobby/ interest not a career. She has ruled out law and most other routes. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
Festoonlights · 24/07/2022 12:19

Should read A star A star and A

OP posts:
Motnight · 24/07/2022 12:20

This has to be your dd's decision. You as her parents can give advice but that's it.

NerrSnerr · 24/07/2022 12:22

Your husband isn't doing the degree, your daughter is. She needs to choose. She'll make a better career out of something she's passionate about instead of something her dad is forcing her to do.

Paq · 24/07/2022 12:23

Honestly, let her choose her course. It's her life and her decision to make.

FWIW I disagree with your DH's view that environmental sciences / bio sciences don't lead to an excellent career but even if I didn't it's still her life.

Aspidistra1 · 24/07/2022 12:27

I think this needs to be her decision. Imagine if she was forced into econ and then it didn’t work out, recipe for huge resentment lasting many years. By all means encourage her to research job opportunities but you can’t make this decision for her.

Also - it sounds like she’s a bright girl with a good head on her shoulders on target to get a good degree from a good university, you probably don’t need to worry too much!

Unescorted · 24/07/2022 12:27

If your husband wants to take A levels and do a do in environmental banking then let him crack on.
Let your daughter do what she wants to do. If she doesn't want to do economics (presumably her least favourite option) why make her do it.
Many of the jobs with "environmental sustainability" in the title / description are in the banking, insurance and construction industry - very little to do with environmental sciences except to provide "ethical" investment products.

ChicCroissant · 24/07/2022 12:29

Your use of 'we' makes it sound like it's a joint choice - it's not, it's her choice and you need to step back really. My thoughts would be to stop the 'imploring' (which does sound a bit dramatic) and let her choose.

Hbh17 · 24/07/2022 12:29

Well, the choice is one for the student to make - not actually anything to do with the parents!

Just10moreminutesplease · 24/07/2022 12:30

Battle lines? But it’s not your husband’s decision to make.

Obviously as her parents you want the best for her, but it’s her life. Your job as parents is to help her access the information she needs to make an informed decision, and to offer your opinion if she asks for it. You can’t (or at least, shouldn’t) force her to follow your advice.

Original poster
Festoonlights · 24/07/2022 12:30

Thank you for your replies. My dh is worried about her financial security, and made terrible decisions early on in life in this regard.

Do other parents just let their kids pick anything? Isn’t it helpful to talk about where the degrees lead to? My nephew did marine biology at a top uni now works as a builder. Best friends son did history at Bristol and works in a supermarket. I guess dh is nervous for her, and doesn’t want her to throw away her opportunities.

I feel she is basing her decisions on field work opportunities which isn’t ideal…

what do other students study with these A levels?

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 24/07/2022 12:32

He doesn't get to live his life again through his daughter OP. You've given her your thoughts, that is all you should do.

NerrSnerr · 24/07/2022 12:33

There's a difference in discussing future jobs and having battle lines.

Forcing her to do a degree she doesn't want to do isn't going to help her get a good job.

You haven't said what you think OP, just your husband's thoughts.

Ragruggers · 24/07/2022 12:36

The only thing as a parent to help is arrange and pay for the open days,let her make up her own mind if she makes a mistake she will sort it,she is super bright and will not end up in a minimum pay job.Have faith.

Original poster
Festoonlights · 24/07/2022 12:36

I am trying to stay neutral. My thoughts are she should choose exactly what she wants to do, the course that most suits her.
My dh is hugely successful, and working in the city of London and knows far more about it than I ever will, he is always saying it is cut throat etc. I work pt in a profession that has nothing to do with science or econ! So my contribution is negligible

OP posts:
Threelittlelambs · 24/07/2022 12:37

SD originally applied d for one course and changed her mind dramatically!
I had no input - she spoke to careers advisories and friends did her own research.

The last thing I want to be accused of is interfering with her choices.

yikesanotherbooboo · 24/07/2022 12:39

Well, she sounds as if she knows what she is interested in and is working hard and doing well at school.It really is up to her and I think you should support her rather than diminish her. Your DH has had the freedom to make his choices for good or ill and your DD should too.I know that some parents do push their children in a direction that they think is right but that can lead to a lot of resentment.I think that at this age you should help with advice when asked.

BonnesVacances · 24/07/2022 12:39

Sounds like your DH is used to being top dog and his opinions carry the most weight! Leave your DD to make up her own mind. Research and guidance is fine, battlelines aren't. Hmm

Letsbefriends · 24/07/2022 12:39

Responses aren’t very helpful - would have loved to have been given some guidance when choosing my degree!!

The mistake I feel I made was that I didn’t think about what career I might want after studying, so I just chose a subject I was interested in (Politics) but then had to return to study later in life to do a more vocational masters degree. So it is really helpful to think about what jobs she might want to do when she graduates, and then base her decision around that.

Has she thought about environmental engineering?

If in the end she still wants to go with her first choice and is happy knowing that she may not earn mega bucks in her chosen career then you just need to support that decision. Being in a job that you love and are passionate about is so much better than being in one you aren’t really excited about, even if the salary isn’t as good.

Unescorted · 24/07/2022 12:39

That is his life.

She is predicted good A levels & will most likely continue working hard at uni if she is doing a subject she likes.

I did Environmental Science at school - I am now work in a public sector job. I have never had a day's unemployment since I graduated.

People who did a similar degree to me work as planning consultants (there are a lot of field work based jobs in this sector), in the media, HR, teach, research, banking, insurance, auditing, public policy, social housing, law, engineering.

jenkel · 24/07/2022 12:43

Being successful in life is not just about having a well paid job, help her, advise her but ultimately it’s her choice, battle lines are not good.

Original poster
Festoonlights · 24/07/2022 12:48

Probably I shouldn’t have used the word battle lines. She is reading through the modules and deciding what she enjoys most, she has always been a good all rounder - coming top of her year during GCSE for biology. She seems confused and overwhelmed by the sheer volume of choice, we are trying to help not force anything.

OP posts:
TedMullins · 24/07/2022 12:48

well, I can only speak for myself but I know when I was a teenager choosing uni, if my parents had suggested or told me to pick a certain course or uni I’d have done the exact opposite just to make a point. Many 18 year olds have no idea what they actually want to do as a career and without any experience of the working world, it’s very hard to envisage that.

I made stupid choices regarding uni and quit after a year (I chose the uni based entirely on the fact my first boyfriend went there) but my parents sat back and let me crack on because whatever they’d said, I wouldn’t have listened anyway. I’m now happy and successful (in my opinion, I don’t work in the city or earn 6 figures but that’s not the only definition of success).

Let her make her own decisions and her own mistakes. You can’t plan her life for her.

namechange30455 · 24/07/2022 12:48

Of course other people "let" their DC study the subject they want to study.

Provide your DD with the tools to make her own decision (e.g. www.hesa.ac.uk/data-and-analysis/sb263/figure-10) and then butt out, quite frankly.

I would have thought she'd be much more likely to end up dropping out/failing/in a badly paid irrelevant job if your DH bullies her into doing a subject she doesn't want to do.

Is your DH normally so controlling?

Original poster
Festoonlights · 24/07/2022 12:51

Thank you for that link, I will show her.

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 24/07/2022 12:51

Isn’t it helpful to talk about where the degrees lead to?

Yes, but it isn't helpful to draw battle lines or make decisions for her.

If your DH works in the city, his knowledge of potential careers is likely to be limited to that field, he is probably not an expert in where her preferred subjects might lead her.

Let her choose without feeling like she is letting anyone down or will hear 'i told you so' in years to come.

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