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Original poster

Are we not allowed to be proud of our kids these days?

220 replies

CornflakeMum · 14/07/2022 20:27

Would appreciate some other points of view on this...

Was out with some other mum friends this afternoon and we were catching up about various people we haven't seen for a while. One of the women started slagging off someone who wasn't there saying "did you see that she posted a picture on facebook at her daughter's graduation, making a big thing about the fact her daughter got a First Class Degree? Who bloody cares?"

I was a bit Hmm as I saw the post and thought it was OK - not over the top, just "So proud to celebrate X's graduation - First Class Honours in XYZ at Y uni..." that sort of thing.

What's wrong with that exactly? I know there are a higher % of Firsts awarded these days but it's still a wonderful achievement. Also anyone graduating this year has had to navigate two years of uni with the crappy covid situation, so all credit to them.

Are we not allowed to be proud of our kids' achievements these days?

OP posts:
Sittininafield · 17/07/2022 09:03

Caring - that’s a memory! And the walk back, bumping into someone and trying to have a blank face when you knew what they’d got before they did. Brutal. I’m glad it has stopped! Light - yes, good point! Also does no one else check with their dcs before posting stuff. I check even for the family what’s app group.

Sittininafield · 17/07/2022 09:10

I live in a grammar school
area - would it be ok to post that I’m so proud of ds for passing his 11+ exam? I was very proud - proud of his hard work and intelligence. The only people I discussed my pride with were him and his grandparents. Everyone else - I didn’t mention anything about it unless asked, and then I certainly didn’t say how proud I was or how well he’d done. That would be so crass! Also these bits of intense pride do come in bursts of intensity and we never know what’s going to happen next - I’m all for not tempting fate!

SoupDragon · 17/07/2022 09:12

How would those people feel if I posted “So proud of my happy well adjusted son. Three years at Uni and no hint of anxiety, mental health issues or eating disorders” ? I mean that’s good news too and why shouldn’t I be proud of him.

The implication with that is that those who did have mental health issues have somehow brought them upon themselves and are to be blamed for it. It isn't the same as celebrating an actual achievement that has come through the hard work of the person concerned.

Blanketpolicy · 17/07/2022 09:30

Putting up photo of your childs graduation and saying well done for getting a first never upsets anyone.

Putting up photo and making it about how proud you are as that childs parents, rather than how well the child did, can rub people up the wrong way if it is too gushy as it has the wrong focus and the implication that you should be getting congratulated for someone elses amazing achievements.

It is a thin line and many cross it.

Sittininafield · 17/07/2022 09:31

Soup - it’s exactly the same. It’s just that different people have different sensitivities and sore points, and we don’t always know what they are. That’s why people with a bit of empathy pause to think who might be stung by a boastful message.

MajorCarolDanvers · 17/07/2022 09:36

People use Facebook in different ways

Shocker

Wouldloveanother · 17/07/2022 09:41

Sittininafield · 17/07/2022 09:31

Soup - it’s exactly the same. It’s just that different people have different sensitivities and sore points, and we don’t always know what they are. That’s why people with a bit of empathy pause to think who might be stung by a boastful message.

What is ‘boastful’ and what isn’t?

Sittininafield · 17/07/2022 09:50

Not boastful: photo of dc at graduation “lovely day at xx graduation”.
boastful: pic of dc “so proud of x they’ve worked so hard and got a well deserved first”.

Wouldloveanother · 17/07/2022 09:52

Sittininafield · 17/07/2022 09:50

Not boastful: photo of dc at graduation “lovely day at xx graduation”.
boastful: pic of dc “so proud of x they’ve worked so hard and got a well deserved first”.

Why is it boastful to be proud?

Honestly it’s just sour grapes. I love reading happy posts about the achievements of my friends kids.

Sittininafield · 17/07/2022 10:01

It isn’t boastful to BE proud. It’s boastful to tell everyone- that’s what boasting is! Collins definition: If someone is boastful, they talk too proudly about something that they have done or that they own.

Sittininafield · 17/07/2022 10:04

Maybe the difference is that same people find boastfulness annoying and others don’t 🤷‍♀️

SoupDragon · 17/07/2022 10:19

Sittininafield · 17/07/2022 10:04

Maybe the difference is that same people find boastfulness annoying and others don’t 🤷‍♀️

Or the difference is that some people mistake being proud of their child's achievements is boastfulness.

it's quite small minded to think celebrating achievement is "boasting". Do you think the same of gold medal ceremonies in the Olympics?

SoupDragon · 17/07/2022 10:22

Sittininafield · 17/07/2022 10:01

It isn’t boastful to BE proud. It’s boastful to tell everyone- that’s what boasting is! Collins definition: If someone is boastful, they talk too proudly about something that they have done or that they own.

To boast is to "talk conceitedly" (Chambers) so there are negative connotations which simply aren't there when you want to celebrate success. It is possible to celebrate success without it being conceited.

pinklavenders · 17/07/2022 10:42

It isn’t boastful to BE proud. It’s boastful to tell everyone- that’s what boasting is!

Exactly.

Of course I'm proud of my children's achievements. And of course I tell them. And of course I tell grandma and grandpa and other family and friends when we talk to them.

But I wouldn't post any of this on Facebook.

Maggiethecat · 17/07/2022 10:55

I wonder how the suggestion of this boastfulness feeds into the idea that generally women are not good at promoting themselves and their achievements, often to their detriment.

2pinkginsplease · 17/07/2022 11:03

I have a small circle of friends and family on Facebook and I love to see and hear all about theirs and their childrens achievements.

I’ve just posted about ds passing his driving test, my attitude is , if you don’t like it then remove yourself from my friend list.and go and be miserable by yourself,

burnoutbabe · 17/07/2022 11:11

Maggiethecat · 17/07/2022 10:55

I wonder how the suggestion of this boastfulness feeds into the idea that generally women are not good at promoting themselves and their achievements, often to their detriment.

Indeed.

I happily posted I got my first last year.

Was it boastful? Who did it hurt to post it. Not sure anyone would actually think it was wrong to tell then I had done well? If they didn't care then they could ignore the post.

pinklavenders · 17/07/2022 11:14

I think there's a big difference between being boastful (and having little regard for privacy) and being confident and assertive in life!

Maggiethecat · 17/07/2022 12:06

Differing views on what is boastfulness. Strange though that posting this achievement on a platform intended to share news is considered boasting.

Threetulips · 17/07/2022 12:29

I’ve just posted about ds passing his driving test, my attitude is , if you don’t like it then remove yourself from my friend list.and go and be miserable by yourself

But this is the problem isn’t it? My son has a disability which makes it hard for him to pass his test, now he tries, really hard and comes home disappointed. Dear friends listens and makes all the sympathy noises, willing him on, and then I see a big hooray post and it’s like she’s been fake all along.

No consideration for anyone else’s feelings.

I think that’s what hurts.

MajorCarolDanvers · 17/07/2022 12:53

Threetulips · 17/07/2022 12:29

I’ve just posted about ds passing his driving test, my attitude is , if you don’t like it then remove yourself from my friend list.and go and be miserable by yourself

But this is the problem isn’t it? My son has a disability which makes it hard for him to pass his test, now he tries, really hard and comes home disappointed. Dear friends listens and makes all the sympathy noises, willing him on, and then I see a big hooray post and it’s like she’s been fake all along.

No consideration for anyone else’s feelings.

I think that’s what hurts.

Do you really think that others shouldn't celebrate?

Can your friend be sympathetic to your son's situation AND celebrate things in her own life?

lightisnotwhite · 17/07/2022 12:57

The driving test is a sore point.. Most of my friends didn’t post their kids passing on Facebook. I think we all appreciated that our kids were doing it at the same time and frankly passing is a bit of a lottery. In fact only 2 of my friends posted anything. One just put “Hurrah she’s passed, well done Anna” on that announcement background . She had a zillion people post likes and comments.

However SIL posted one with niece posed by the car they bought her for her 17th, holding the certificate and a whole speech about how amazing she is. It was quite hurtful actually as my DS failed his 5 days earlier. I had been round the week before and they had all asked about when his test was. They didn’t ever mention that DN was taking her test soon after Obviously not confident enough to even mention it to family.
I congratulated her obviously. DS got a cancellation test 10 days after his first one and passed ,even though it was an unknown test centre and in my car not the instructors. I didn’t post anything ( his best friend was taking his in a couple of weeks) and neither SIL or niece messaged to say well done. So clearly passing is only a big deal when it’s their news.

TizerorFizz · 17/07/2022 13:10

There is a massive difference with posting about DC getting a first (so many get this now) and your DC being confident and assertive. We do know that some university firsts don’t mean very much and won’t propel DC to great things. There’s way more to life than a first from a less than great university that awards firsts to 33% of students. Years ago it was 2%. So all this posting and boasting is a bit of a yawn. As I said before, a 2:1 from a top university with lots of other skills can be substantially better. But not boastworthy I guess!

I also think the upper middle classes don’t do it. It’s a platform for the new to success and university. My husband posts wildlife photos he takes. We leave it at that and never posted about exam successes, ever. We don’t see them as truly our success. If I want to catch up with people, we see them (if family is abroad, that’s different). Even then great friends of ours brought out their DS’s Masters certificate. Good pass from a foreign university. Still took him a year to get a low paid very average grad job! So what’s all the fuss about? Bringing up a decent human being is more important.

notacooldad · 17/07/2022 13:43

Most of my friends didn’t post their kids passing on Facebook. I think we all appreciated that our kids were doing it at the same time and frankly passing is a bit of a lottery
I posted about ds2 passing with words to the affect of
" what the old saying, if at first you don't succeed try, try ,try try and keep trying again!🤣🤣:

pinklavenders · 17/07/2022 14:05

One just put “Hurrah she’s passed, well done Anna”

But why not just say "Well done Anna" to her daughter in person?

I honestly don't understand this urge to share all these personal details about your family on the internet...?