Oxford / Cambridge - current students support / chat thread 2022

[DadDadDad]

Continuing a thread for anyone who wants to talk about their sons' and daughters' experience being a student in Oxford or Cambridge. (Or nephews, granddaughters, sisters, uncles - or if you or they have now graduated but you want to share your thoughts - all are welcome!)

Some of us on this thread go back to I think to late 2019 when our DCs were going through the admission process. A lot's happened since!

Over to you...

DS isn't doing any Materials this year so I think he is in the clear.

@Ironoaks she has 1st years in her groups, so I think your DS is safe

Arghh. D1 phoned, she can't get onto the graduation booking site, it keeps crashing. She signed in on the dot of 12, but the summer dates are not even showing. I don't know what to advise her, she can't find anyone to ring.

My DS is now in his 3rd year and is struggling again, as am I to be completely honest. He did the first couple of essays this term well and had good feedback. It has all gone down hill from there. He has handed some in but way under te word limit, others he hasn't handed i at all. He insists he has had a good term, has done the reading and has attended all supos. He has shown me good feedback emails from tutors. He just cant produce the essays. I am at my wits end. With everyone we go through the same he tells us he is on track, has written 500 words then it turns outto be wishful thinking. He is doing lots of rowing and choir, even singing lessons and formals. He insists that these are needed for his mental health. Which I dont doubt. He seems happy as larry. Im not sleeping, not performing at work and I feel awful. I know he is an adult and master of his own destiny. I dont want to micromanage but it is so hard. What happens if they dont hand in the work?

Sorry to hear that @JulesJules. My DD also found it very frustrating but managed to get her preferred date. I can’t believe we’re at this stage already!

@Cliff1975 i think you have to somehow try to detach. I hear about all my children failing to submit work with absolute horror since it was unheard-of when I was an undergrad. If your DS is at least happy then that is a big bonus. As others have said previously, finals are what count in the end. How does your DS do in exams? And what do his supervisors say? Maybe he will pull things together in the nick of time. Sorry if this is unhelpful. I really do sympathise but there is not much you can do so you do have to try to safeguard your own well-being.

Thanks @Pantjog. The summer dates were not even on the list, only autumn dates and while she was wondering what to do, the autumn weekend ones booked up. All her friends found the same.

@goodbyestranger , thanks for the advice about The Randolph. DS2 (O) has now booked his day and time for graduation, although I'm not sure whether he's planning to meet with friends for an evening out before or afterwards or just stick with family or what. I looked up prices for The Randolph and realised that for just one night, without breakfast or an evening meal, it'd cost more than I've ever spent on our annual family holiday! OMG! Any recommendations therefore both for where to stay and separately where to eat out?

@Cliff1975 I'm sorry to hear about your DS still struggling. However, like @pantjog says, it's much more normal these days for students not always to produce an essay each week but instead, sometimes just do notes. I think DS1 (C) has to do a certain number of essays per term and after that point, can choose just to do notes for the supervision, although he always seems to ensure he does at least the total number of essays required. However, he does often mention various supervision partners who haven't done an essay that week or even not attended supervision at all. In my day, that would be unprecedented but it seems more normal nowadays and the key thing seems to be being able to discuss the topic in supervision to show you know what you're talking about.

I think the most important thing of all is that he's happy and he'll probably be able to pull it all together right at the end, as some students do, just given the final adrenaline rush. If he's getting good feedback from tutors, then that's what matters.

@JulesJules I hope your DD has managed to get onto the graduation site now.

@Cliff1975 that sounds very difficult. How is he with exams? Is this his final year?

I've sent you a message about where I tend to stay and our favourite places to eat mutterphore.

Cliff1975 the absolute stand out phrase that you've used is that your DS is happy as larry. As others have said previously, he is showing classic symptoms of ADHD and my guess is that his tutors are aware and have taken their feet off the pedal, on the grounds that he's reading what he needs to read and contributing in supervisions. If he wasn't he would get even reasonable feedback.

You are clearly used to micromanaging to quite a sophisticated level. Honestly you need to let go. It's not good for anyone. Your DS has had struggles, got through to his final year and is happy and managing in his own way. I would regard that as a major win, but my standards may be low. As pantjog says, you do need to detach, for everyone's sake. You need to ask yourself why your DS is happy while you feel awful.

*If he wasn't he wouldn't get even reasonable feedback.

Hi All

I've been reading the thread this year but not posting much at all. Many thanks for the heads-up about graduation dates - it meant that DS actually read the relevant email and managed to book a summer date (despite the website crashing as it seems to have done for other DC). I also managed to book somewhere for us to stay, which would otherwise not have occurred to me to do this far in advance.

DS has had a reasonable term despite having had covid three weeks in and making the mistake of letting college know. He was quarantined in his room for 10 days with rather haphazard food deliveries from volunteer students when he could find someone to do it (so no breakfasts!). He's been suffering with exhaustion and brain fog ever since but has just about kept up with work and managed the labyrinthine process of securing extensions for assessed work so should be able to catch up over the vac.

Unlike my own Oxford experience studying a similar subject (he's doing a joint humanities course), he will have very few final exams - one take-away paper and only one 'proper' finals. The rest are / have been various forms of continuous assessment. He's done / is doing OK I think but he would have found the standard form of finals much easier as he works better to deadlines.

He rusticated for a year after his first year following DH's death, and has managed to settle back better than I'd feared, despite being out of sync with his original cohort and all the issues of not really bonding caused by covid. He has a good social life, mainly based around societies, but a lot of the same ND issues that many of you report for your DC.

I do feel sad that his Oxford experience has not been as joyous as I remember mine being - but perhaps I'm misremembering . . .

Goodness, that seems an unusual college overreaction to Covid at this stage. DD had it in week 2, but when she informed college, they just said ‘hope you feel better soon, maybe check whether any tutors would prefer you to stay away’. It was all very unlike the first time.

They didn’t offer to feed her this time either.

SchrodingersKitty — you must be justly proud of your son for persevering! Though perhaps not “joyous” it sounds like he has a social life and has done well academically, both of which are very positive. Here’s hoping joy will follow!

Hi, All. I have seen some mentions of supervisors’ reports. Are these from O or C or both? I am surprised they are written before the end of term — seems to mean the last week’s work isn’t “counted”. I told our DC we would want to see any report but have not received anything yet. Might that mean the report isn’t positive and worrying news awaits at the end of the week?!?!
(all we’ve heard over the course of the term is happy news of social and sporting events, almost nothing about the course…. 🧐)

@Inamuddle36 : Yes, I am very proud of DS. His dad's illness and death were impossibly hard on him, but he's kept going. He works really hard and throws himself into the things he's interested in. His tutors seem pleased with his work and he's made some good friends (though the closest ones have mostly left now). You are right that joy will almost certainly follow!

Thankyou to all - I know you are right.

@Inamuddle36 - DS (C) has received supervision reports for each course each term.
One of the reasons for sending them out before the end of term is so the feedback is available before the 1:1 meeting with the director of studies in the last week of term.
I think a student's level of 'industry' 'progress' and 'interest' in weeks 1-7 gives enough of a sense of how they are getting on that term.

It took DD around 5 attempts before she got the graduation confirmation email for the main college date. Hopefully she will be graduating on my birthday.

Cliff another PM winging your way.

I'm completely amazed at how many of you get to read these end of term reports. The first one I read (and was able to read, because I asked if I could, having been alerted by MN) was DD4's. That was last year, I haven't remembered to ask since. I knew that the DC all went off to have a chat with the Warden or Principal or Master or whatever and occasionally I would get an anecdote, if something funny or striking was said, but that is the limit of formal feedback to this parent at least. Am I in the minority? I'm not disinterested and the DC are aware that I'm not disinterested, but it's just never been a thing to see these reports.

@goodbyestranger DD would just laugh if I asked to see her report. I feel it's not really my business, unless she chooses to share it with me. It's not something I give much headspace.

Cliff Sorry everything is so worrying for you still, hope you have some real-life support.

DD1 (third year, Oxford) is quite selective in what she tells me and has never once mentioned the existence of any end of term report....maybe ignorance is bliss

She is disappointed tonight because the graduation booking website crashed for her but not for her close friends, who all managed to get the same graduation date. She got a summer date eventually, but a week earlier than the others; she would have loved to have shared the experience with the group of which she's been a part since first year. Does anybody know whether there's a way of swapping your date or how to find someone who prefers the one she booked but has the date she wants?! Long shot I know...

That’s good to hear Dahlia :)

MJB I think she needs to put her name on the waiting list for her preferred date asap, so that she’s as close to the top as possible. As far as I remember there is someone in college with responsibility for graduations, the porters should be able to point her in the right direction. It sounds incredibly chaotic, today’s system. Very disappointing for her.

@goodbyestranger Thanks very much for those pointers; will pass on your advice to her.