Oxford / Cambridge - current students support / chat thread 2022

[DadDadDad]

Continuing a thread for anyone who wants to talk about their sons' and daughters' experience being a student in Oxford or Cambridge. (Or nephews, granddaughters, sisters, uncles - or if you or they have now graduated but you want to share your thoughts - all are welcome!)

Some of us on this thread go back to I think to late 2019 when our DCs were going through the admission process. A lot's happened since!

Over to you...

mutterphore the Randolph is overwhelmingly aimed at the American tourist market these days. Each to their own but definitely not for us, I think that the DC would find it very stiff. There are some fantastic places in Oxford, with much much better food (judging by the reputation of the Randolph - I've avoided it although a godmother took the girls there for tea) and far more chilled. It would be a big no from me anyhow.

Thank you @goodbyestranger !

Bugger.

Can I have a moan?

DD shares a two-person college 'flat' with a friend. Friend has been struggling and has just decided to rusticate for the rest of the year, but has asked DD not to tell anyone until she has decided how to tell them herself. But DD is upset at the thought of either unexpectedly living alone, or having a new flatmate not of her choosing dropped on her next term. She's (very) sympathetic but quite shaken by this on her own account, as sharing with a friend was part of her balance against a tough course -- and she'd like to be able to talk about it with friends and see if anyone wants to share. Should she overrule the friend's wishes for her own sake?

(Name changed for added privacy)

Is the flat either within the college or in a complex of flats owned by the college? Or is it a stand alone flat elsewhere in town?

I don't think it would be fair to overrule the wishes of the friend who's already struggling. On a practical note, the chances of anyone unknown being parachuted in is minimal, and a different friend of your DD's own choosing will be able to move at any stage next term, if they like the idea.

It sounds like the flatmate doesn't want her to discuss it with their friends yet, but I don't see why your DD shouldn't talk over the options, theoretically, with someone in her college accommodation office.

Talking to college accommodation sounds a good plan, thanks, while the friend works out what to do and say.

But surely if she tells college accommodation, she is effectively telling college about the rustication on her friend's behalf which she has been asked not to do?

College are aware; it's the other students who are not.

This is her second friend to rusticate this year. It's somewhat unsettling.

@CactusBasket I think it's reasonable of her to ask your DD for a few days of confidentiality to give her the space she needs to share the information herself.
However, this cannot be indefinite, because your DD's accommodation (and wellbeing) are also affected. I would be tempted to say "I can give you X days to tell people yourself and after that I need to be able to talk to Y and Z."

I'm not sure that the DD's accommodation is affected hugely though is it? Worst case she'll have a two bed flat to herself, though if the flat is one of the less usual ones, and isolated away from other college flats or rooms, then that is pretty miserable, agreed. That arrangement is few and far between though. If it were my DC rusticating I would think pretty poor show that the friend was immediately onto worrying about whether or not she'd have anyone to share with, which might be put the boot in even further. I can't think of a situation where someone that the DD didn't herself ask to share with would be put into the rusticating student's room, so I would say damage was limited anyhow. If my DC were the friend I would definitely say she should not go giving ultimatums of X days to tell other people, that that wouldn't be helpful at all for someone already in an anxious place.

Thanks for all these tips, D1 has just texted to say her college's graduation booking opens tomorrow, not half way through Hilary as reported on the college website.

CactusBasket were both of the rustications in their final year?

‘A pretty poor show’? Crikey, thanks for that. Good thing that my daughter didn’t tell her friend that she was not only sad to lose her but also worried about being more isolated without her company, and only expressed the worry outwards to her parents instead.

I have been that parent of a student who interrupted their studies. I wish her all the best.

OK, that was a bit tart of me.
My daughter spends much of her life treading very carefully round the rather serious mental health issues of some of her nearest and dearest. She is the soul of tact and concern. And I am saddened that her modest hope of a sociable year with a pleasant friend is no longer on the cards.

CactusBasket my post was 100% in response to Ironoaks's suggestion of an ultimatum. 100% not directed at you or your DD. It's a great shame for your DD, I completely get that and I really hope that the flat is near other college flats. Apologies for not being clear. I'm sure that during the holidays/ early next term someone lower on the ballot in a single room they don't like very much might hop over to be her flatmate. That often happens, change arounds. She needn't worry about a stranger coming in though, it just wouldn't happen.

Oh dear on re-reading my post I see it came across not as intended. Sorry again.

Thank you! I’m sorry to snap.

@CactusBasket

When I suggested the timescale idea, I thought that the friend had only told your DD and nobody else, which is not ideal for either of them (and not fair on your DD to carry that alone).
Having re-read properly, I can now see that the friend has informed college staff. In which case, encourage your DD to continue supporting her friend as she has been, and offload her worries to you if she needs to.

Regarding the accommodation uncertainty: As the college staff are already aware, your DD could discreetly ask them for clarification about the accommodation so she isn't worrying over the vacation about coming back to find a random person there.

Gosh! Term supervisors' reports. I wasn't expecting those. Thankfully DS is doing well after his first term and is clearly working hard.

worrying over the vacation about coming back to find a random person there was exactly the problem. Good to know that it’s unlikely. She’s done as suggested and messaged the accommodation office.

I think she can definitely put the random person worry to bed. I'd bet my mortgage on it. I also think there's a very high likelihood of another friend wanting to move in and share before it gets too far into next term.

That's good. It sounds as though your DD has been very supportive to her friend but I hope the friend is also able to access more specialist support if appropriate.

DS forwarded these to me in his first year (not sure why; perhaps he was in the habit after getting school reports for so many years). Such detailed feedback is very useful for the students.

Lol, my DD has been writing supervisor reports this week. She is unimpressed with a couple of hers this term. I hope they are not any of your DC (running for cover)