Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

DS major fail... wwyd? Totally pissed off

229 replies

Troublesometuesday · 12/08/2018 09:53

In brief .....

DS was at RG London uni doing an engineering course.

In June, he told us he’d failed his degree. And whilst we we were shocked and disappointed, tried to figure out how best to support him.
Now, we finally know the truth of the situation, which is pretty shocking tbh...

-Failed a second year exam

  • had four warnings about non-attendance at tutorials/practicals
-transferred onto ordinary degree at end of Yr2

We knew NONE of this!!!

Then, he failed two exams in final year and also failed his dissertation.

Now, whilst most of you will say, what an idiot.... my anger/fury/disappointment is not only directed at him, but also the fact that by treating students as adults, there is no way to intervene at all until it is too late.

To get a degree, DS has to go into 2nd year at another uni. So, never mind the fact that we have supported him fully for the past 3 years, he would get some funding for the coming year, but none at all for what would be the 5th year if a 3yr course....

Btw, at school he was a bright and able student who got 3 A’s - so, if ever there is a warning to other parents, this is it. They can lie, squander money, lie, don’t work, lie some more and fail then miserably.

I just don’t know what to do - of course I want him to achieve in life, but I am so hurt and can’t trust him any more.

OP posts:
ParisProperty · 12/08/2018 09:56

He needs to find a job.
Is he using drugs?
Clearly he can't cope with university. Maybe a few years of working will help him decide what he wants.
Do not give him any more money.
I am so sorry.
But I do wonder why he didnt feel able to confide in you.

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 12/08/2018 09:57

But he is an adult, who is responsible for his own life and choices. I understand why you’re upset, but this isn’t the uni’s fault, it’s your DSs. If he didn’t want to tell you what was going on, as an adult, that’s up to him. If he was working would you expect his job to call you and tell you if he was cocking up?

HollowTalk · 12/08/2018 10:00

I agree with you - if the parents are expected to contribute (especially to the level they are nowadays) then they deserve to be told if their child is failing. I know I wouldn't continue to pay if my child was failing and I'd want them to look for an alternative.

It must have been a hell of a shock, OP. I'd want access to the system where his marks are stored if I was going to invest any more in his education.

C4T5 · 12/08/2018 10:00

Drugs/alcohol dependence also crossed my mind, especially as he did so well in school and this failure and lying is uncharacteristic of him. I also agree that you should encourage him to take a step back from university for now and get a job. If he comes home, he has to pay you rent and you shouldn’t give him money.

FlibbertyGiblets · 12/08/2018 10:01

Don't fund his life any further. What a disappointing outcome for everyone.
Has he said why he didn't approach you, his parents, sooner? Head in sand? Fear of reproach? Depression, illness?

Topseyt · 12/08/2018 10:02

Does he actually want to continue at uni? Did he really want to go in the first place or would he have preferred to get work?

Was he happy with his choice of course or uni? The right course can make all the difference.

Was he scared of telling you that it wasn't going well, he had made the wrong decisions etc.?

To be honest, it does sound as though mentally he just isn't in it. Are you approachable or would you have come down on him to persevere and get on with it?

Uni isn't the be all and end all.

HollowTalk · 12/08/2018 10:02

@IsTheRainEverComingBack But at work he'd be paid by the company. If he messed up, he'd lose his job but it wouldn't cost his parents anything. A lot of parents give a lot of money each week to their student children - why would they do that if they knew their child wasn't making any effort and was failing the course. If the OP had been aware, she would've had the chance to stop all funding immediately.

C0untDucku1a · 12/08/2018 10:05

I agree with you. Uni courses are now funded either by parents or employers. I thibk maybe they should send reports to whoever is funding the course throughout.

spikeyiscool · 12/08/2018 10:07

He doesn't sound mature enough for university (and I speak as the mother of a DD who did something very similar in her first year at uni, luckily the situation was retrievable).

Did your ds lie to you about university? I'd be really disappointed too.

What's his plan now?

Bipbopbee · 12/08/2018 10:09

How is is attitude now OP? Is he devastated or not that bothered? Could an alternative be doing an access degree whilst working part time and living at home? I know it’s not great and I’m sorry Flowers

Original poster
Troublesometuesday · 12/08/2018 10:11

It is the fact he couldn’t tell me any of this that has made the hurt so bad. If I’d known, we would have done all we could to help him, but he got through 1st year with a good 2.1 average, so didn’t even occur to me that he was having difficulty.

I know he had a great social life, and the best explanation I can come up with is too much drink, although I wondered about possible drug use too.

All through final year, we chatted about what next - graduate scheme or masters, but knowing now he’d never have been considered without an honours degeee infuriates me beyond belief. It has been a lesson to us. Heartbreaking

OP posts:
MissEliza · 12/08/2018 10:13

Uni is for adults. Full stop. If someone needs their mummy or daddy's help to get through it, they're not ready for it. Your ds is bang out of order not to keep you informed of his struggles if he was accepting money from you.

Seniorschoolmum · 12/08/2018 10:14

Agree with Parisproperty. Make him get a job while living at home. You should know what the issue is very quickly- I.e. drink, drugs, gaming, can’t get up in the morning, just wasn’t suited.
Don’t give him any pocket money either. He is an adult. He will either find a job he likes and move on or he’ll have a few months bored & skint, and then may be ready to take a more mature approach.

Bezm · 12/08/2018 10:16

You should have been aware when he changed course in the second year as you have to complete your bit for his loan don't you? I know I did with my DD and I'd had the details of her course on it.

He's flunked Uni, so now he needs to get himself a proper job. He can't continue unless you agree to fully fund him in his 5th year, which would cost you at least £10k. Are you prepared to do that? Sounds to me that he's been living the high life and has now been found out. He needs to leave and join the real world.

ASilhouetteAndNothingMore · 12/08/2018 10:16

I failed the first year of my uni course at 19. I was living in a big city away from my family and got caught up in the social life. I told my parents I was taking a year out, agreed this with the uni, found myself a job and a flat and supported myself.
I now have a first class degree in a totally unrelated subject. It took me a while working in low paid jobs to make realise I could do better. In fact it was when I had my children and knew I could provide for them more with a degree and a career.
Don't despair. He will get there when he is ready.

bevelino · 12/08/2018 10:16

OP, I am sorry you are hurting and feel let down. Has your ds given you reasons for not telling you anything?

Original poster
Troublesometuesday · 12/08/2018 10:19

Bezm - he didn’t change course

OP posts:
TheFairyCaravan · 12/08/2018 10:22

He has to be 20/21 if he’s at the 3rd year stage. I don’t understand why you expect the lecturers to contact parents to tell them that their adult child hasn’t passed their exams.

You’re hurting because he felt he couldn’t tell you. That’s nothing to do with the university.

MissEliza · 12/08/2018 10:22

I think sometimes when parents have great expectations for their dcs, it's hard for them to admit when they're struggling.

Loulabelle25 · 12/08/2018 10:23

I don’t think you can blame the university for not keeping you informed. This is all on him. It’s crap but this is the consequence of his own decision making.

Oliversmumsarmy · 12/08/2018 10:24

Uni is for adults. Full stop. If someone needs their mummy or daddy's help to get through it, they're not ready for it

Given unless someone at 18 has a large inheritance, a trust fund or parents on a tiny income so they can get the full maintenance loan most 18 year olds will need their parents input

HollowTalk · 12/08/2018 10:25

The thing is, OP, I don't think he's learned his lesson. Rather than paying for him to go to uni again, I'd be very tempted to let him deal with the consequences himself. Say, "What are you going to do?" and don't fill in the painful gap by telling him what he should do. Let him think about it - if you rescue him now, he won't learn anything.

If he's spent two years doing nothing at all then why do you think he'd suddenly buckle down and work hard? That opportunity to continue will presumably be there next year, too, so if I were you I'd say, "Look, I funded your degree. You messed up and didn't tell me. Now it's time for you to grow up and deal with what you've done."

If you step up now and make it easy for him (which is very tempting for parents to do) then you'll be doing the equivalent of paying his fine when he's been speeding - it gets him out of trouble but doesn't teach him a good lesson.

Original poster
Troublesometuesday · 12/08/2018 10:26

Fairy - I think when you pay on excess of £8000 per year, it shouldn’t be unreasonable to know if things are going tits-up

OP posts:
spikeyiscool · 12/08/2018 10:27

I really wouldn't support him to go into the second year of a degree. He needs to take responsibility as well as time out to decide what to do.

My dd spent a year without any student loan because of her first year screw up. She worked long hours to pay for herself - we paid around £50 a week to her for food and that was it, we didn't want to see her starve of course but we also didn't want to protect her from the fallout of the terrible decisions she made in her first year.

It's blooming hard because as a parent you do want to help and support your child, whatever age they are. But sometimes this involves taking a step back and letting them learn from their mistake.

arranfan · 12/08/2018 10:28

OP - has your DS talked through his best options with a careers advisor (despite the fail, he'll have access through his Uni.).

DS needs to discover whether his best option now is a job so that he has evidence of reliability on his CV for the future - or going on to get a qualification which is something that it doesn't seem obvious that he's motivated to do.

Swipe left for the next trending thread