DS major fail... wwyd? Totally pissed off

[Troublesometuesday]

In brief .....

DS was at RG London uni doing an engineering course.

In June, he told us he’d failed his degree. And whilst we we were shocked and disappointed, tried to figure out how best to support him.
Now, we finally know the truth of the situation, which is pretty shocking tbh...

-Failed a second year exam

• had four warnings about non-attendance at tutorials/practicals

-transferred onto ordinary degree at end of Yr2

We knew NONE of this!!!

Then, he failed two exams in final year and also failed his dissertation.

Now, whilst most of you will say, what an idiot.... my anger/fury/disappointment is not only directed at him, but also the fact that by treating students as adults, there is no way to intervene at all until it is too late.

To get a degree, DS has to go into 2nd year at another uni. So, never mind the fact that we have supported him fully for the past 3 years, he would get some funding for the coming year, but none at all for what would be the 5th year if a 3yr course....

Btw, at school he was a bright and able student who got 3 A’s - so, if ever there is a warning to other parents, this is it. They can lie, squander money, lie, don’t work, lie some more and fail then miserably.

I just don’t know what to do - of course I want him to achieve in life, but I am so hurt and can’t trust him any more.

He chose not to tell you nor heed the earlier warnings. Perhaps the course was beyond him or not as he anticipated. Or maybe he was distracted and simply did not put in the hours. Tbh I'd be concerned he might face similar difficulties if he went elsewhere and waste more time and money. Time to review his options , maybe taking an apprenticeship or working will give him more time to decide how to move forwards.

To plough into another course now would not be sensible. Has he done placements/ internships? Some work experience- and he will have lots of useful skills will be his best course of action. It is not just what has happened- it will be what he says to future employers. What has he been doing all summer?

I support struggling students in an HE setting. Even when the parents know and are involved (given permission by the student to attend meetings etc), it does not always lead to a positive outcome. It can often take a couple of years, even with parental support, to make the decision to leave. The Uni may we’ll have been advising a leave of absence, getting careers advice to consider other options, signposting to counselling and academic support. These sorts of interventions are much more standard now as HE provide better pastoral support and have to monitor their attrition rates. So he may have had more advice and support then you realise.

I second not rushing into another degree course. As you know he is unlikely to get any further SLC funding. He needs to take stock and get working. Even a bar job at first just to get into work and a routine. His institution will still offer him some careers counselling - he should check.

It was your son’s responsibility to tell you Troublesome. You should be asking yourself, and him, why he felt he couldn’t.

You should have known that he transferred onto a non-honours degree at the e d of 2nd year as it would have said on the student finance paperwork, did you just not notice?

I would be telling him he needs to work for a few years and save up to go back and finish his degree if that is what he wants. Doing well isn't about ability it's about hard work! Most students are able, only those who are committed to do well...

He knew it was going tits up, over a long period of time. This isn’t news to him.
If he works he could earn the money to fund the extra year.

Thanks for sharing your story, I think the biggest learning for other parents is to talk to their dc and tell them that uni is a huge step up and while they will be treated as an adult there you are still there to listen, advise and support without judgement as soon as they need help in years 1,2,3 before it gets out of control. That you will understand if once there they find uni is not for them and will support them. Then keep talking and hope they are open with you.

I am sorry you are in this position now, and you have every right to be angry with him for not telling you and not to further fund his education. He's an adult now and needs to find the right path for him, all you can do is support him.

I totally understand why you're angry and let down...however, worse things have happened at sea.

There is a way forward. An engineering apprenticeship might be the best option. Does he even want to do engineering?

The reason he hasn't told you he was failing is probably because he knew how you'd react, and he's also probably never failed academically before.

I very much agree with the amount of money parents need to give their adult children to get through uni, they should receive some feedback on progress.

I wouldn't have immediately jumped to drugs and alchol independence as a reason. Some students can just be lazy and like a lie in etc.
Perhaps your son just enjoyed having the freedom but not understanding that it came with responsiblity.
Whatever path your son choses, he will figure it out. It's good that he has come to you for support. At the very least it means that he is starting to understand where wrong choices can lead and is doing something about it. You derserve for helping him through it.

When I read your op the first thing that came to mind that he was worried about disappointing you and if he got 3A's at a level then he may not be used to failing and how to deal with it. Possible depression might also factor here.

Yes he should have told you when this all started happening - but he probably dug himself a hole and didnt have the life skills to get out of it. You can't change that now - all you can do is focus on what is going to happen in the future.

I think you need to have a proper conversation with him - not focusing on your feelings of disappointment (which I completely understand) but more on how he wants to move forward, what he wants to do, and depending on the situation how you can support him to achieve it.

What does he want to do?
Maybe uni wasn't/isn't for him anymore.

This is awful but it really is not the Uni's fault. That's not how it works! If they're mature enough to leave home and go to Uni, they're mature enough to motivate themselves enough to get to lectures and do what they have to do. Do you feel he's deceived you? Has he told you outright lies about how he's getting on?

Maybe it's different with a boy (I have a DSS and 2 DDs) because I would've known that it was going tits up from my DDs. They might not be telling me, but I don't think they could have kept it from me. I never really totally left them to it, I was always asking asking asking... this isn't a criticism OP, I appreciate it can be different with a lad.

There was one boy on my DDs course... 1st year... he literally went to NO lectures, did NO work, he basically was living in a flat and partying. The Uni part was irrelevant. His parents were a bit shocked when it was suggested he didn't come back after year 1, they had no idea.

Do not fund any more courses OP!

He needs to take time out, work and decide what he wants to do with the rest of his life. It’s too easy to stick with what you know (education). He’s clearly not that interested in his subject, or perhaps doesn’t have a goal at the end of it which I feel is really important.

If he decides to return to higher education in the future he will have to fund it himself. It will certainly help him to value it that way.

I think this is a real issue now that uni education requires large financial contributions from parents. Parents who are stumping up thousands a year are goong to understandably feel that there should be some reference to them, especially when things go wrong. But equally, the university is dealing with a fully legal adult, and therefore has no obligation to anyone other than that adult. Both parties are right, but I don't think the two positions can be reconciled.

For the OPs current situation, i think it needs to be a problem that the ds solves himself. Don't fund his uni anymore - there is clearly no point. He can go back to uni as a mature student at some point when he can cope with it better. For now, he can move home, get a job, pay rent, or stay living in his uni city, get a job, pay rent. Make it clear you wont subsidise him. If you are concerned about drugs you could try to encourage him home by making the rent etc a decent amount cheaper than what he'd pay elsewhere, so that you could keep an eye on him.

Forget the money, this is about your son and his mental health and happiness. He must feel terrible on at least some levels.

Try to provide a warm, non judgemental home (literally or in your relationship with him) where he can come to terms with what has happened and maybe your relationship can grow into one where he can talk honestly to you about his thoughts and feelings.

Enough about money, expectations, disappointment. He's a person not an investment and he's your child.

Have you asked him why? I went to uni and realised half way through my 1st year I hated it but stayed (rarely showed up though) because i was aware if I didn’t make it to the end of the year I would have to pay the fees back straight away. Did he love the first year and realise the 2nd wasn’t for him but couldn’t pay the fees back straight away so just showed up only when necessary? You may be angry but have the conversation of what is his plan now? There is a lot of expectation on kids to go straight to university but very few know at 18 what they want to do career wise.

Whatever he does next he should do it without your financial support. He needs to finally enter a world that has consequences. He has managed to squander 4 years which was his choice but it means he has successfully postponed adulthood by hiding the truth of his situation from you. I wouldn't be spending any time, money or energy on solving his problems.

Was he at a state school or a private school? If the latter, it's often the case that they're more used to being spoon fed, and find it much harder to self-motivate.

I really feel for you though - it must be horrible a) to know that he's failed so spectacularly but b) that he couldn't tell you what was going on and c) he not only didn't tell you but was in fact lying (by omission) that all was going well

Agree with other PP - he has to put this right, not you. And don't give him more money!

Did you ask your son how he was doing or did you just fund his lifestyle and are now dissapointed ? Further education imo is a privilege not an entitlement universities offer courses to adults and if parents fund this then so be it. Your son ballsed up pissedhis education away so how is he going to move forward?

“But he is an adult”

But he isn’t behaving like one. If he behaves like a child he can expect to be treated like a child. There is too much at stake financially for parents not to know.

I can only share my experience years ago. Did something happen in his life at uni early on which rocked him and you are not aware of? I say this as when I completed my A levels , I was successful in getting a place at a good uni. Then, my parents split up, was very bitter - I was in the middle - it wore me down emotionally ( I nearly ended dropping out of sixth form due to the stress of it but a friend talked me out of it thankfully) and I just couldn't face any more education tbh even though I did very well with my A levels so I got a job instead and have done well in my career.

All I'm saying is that somewhere along the line something may have happened to de-rail him rather than him being lazy etc. Obviously lying to you all together is absolutely awful but when I think back I was in a terrible emotional mess at the time I would have gone to uni - thank god I didn't go. Maybe Uni is not his path at the moment - there are other options he could think about.

I would encourage him to get a job whilst he thinks about what he wants to do - at least he can try and pay his own way and will learn what it's like to support himself. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet.

As university students are 18+ they are adults and must be treated as such. If you as a parent decide to fund it then then it's up to you to track their progress with them - it wouldn't be unreasonable to ask to see end of year results before paying for the next year, for example.

Were you asking any questions at all? Has he been just outright lying in responses? The one thing I definitely wouldn't do now is fund any more third level education - as an adult he's now made his bed!

If it’s an engineering type degree would he be better trying for a modern apprenticeship?
I think I’d suggest he work for a year or first though just to prove himself to any future employer. They may not be keen with his current record but would probably understand an “ I wasn’t ready and I messed it up” explanation if he has proved some consistency meantime.

From what I remember of Uni there were a lot of students who are there just to take the piss and have a good time. They go out every night and studying to end up with a great career is not at the forefront of their mind. They got to the end of the course and looked at the board and saw they had a 3rd class honours and wondered what happened.

It sounds like your DS got in with a wrong crowd and basically blew his education. Time for some strong words and action starting with him getting a job and perhaps doing a degree part time. First and foremost he needs to grow up and develop some maturity.

I think if you've found school/learning relatively easy university can be a big surprise as no matter how bright you are you have to put the effort in.

I would second not "fixing" this for him, and I'm not sure I'd recommend trying to resit the year just yet. Id suggest he works for a year, either to put some money aside for the 3rd year or to decide whether he goes at all.

I do know a lot of people who 'dropped' the honours, and didn't really understand the consequences (which are massive)so he isn't alone there and ime universities don't always spell out the impact.

I can understand you feel frustrated with the university, but their hands are tied.