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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

DS major fail... wwyd? Totally pissed off

229 replies

Troublesometuesday · 12/08/2018 09:53

In brief .....

DS was at RG London uni doing an engineering course.

In June, he told us he’d failed his degree. And whilst we we were shocked and disappointed, tried to figure out how best to support him.
Now, we finally know the truth of the situation, which is pretty shocking tbh...

-Failed a second year exam

  • had four warnings about non-attendance at tutorials/practicals
-transferred onto ordinary degree at end of Yr2

We knew NONE of this!!!

Then, he failed two exams in final year and also failed his dissertation.

Now, whilst most of you will say, what an idiot.... my anger/fury/disappointment is not only directed at him, but also the fact that by treating students as adults, there is no way to intervene at all until it is too late.

To get a degree, DS has to go into 2nd year at another uni. So, never mind the fact that we have supported him fully for the past 3 years, he would get some funding for the coming year, but none at all for what would be the 5th year if a 3yr course....

Btw, at school he was a bright and able student who got 3 A’s - so, if ever there is a warning to other parents, this is it. They can lie, squander money, lie, don’t work, lie some more and fail then miserably.

I just don’t know what to do - of course I want him to achieve in life, but I am so hurt and can’t trust him any more.

OP posts:
twofingerstoEverything · 12/08/2018 10:44

Data protection regulations mean it's illegal for universities to share information with parents - or other third parties - unless they have the express consent of their (adult) student children.

Roussette · 12/08/2018 10:44

Further education imo is a privilege not an entitlement universities offer courses to adults and if parents fund this then so be it

Do agree with this. I never had even a sniff of an opportunity for FE (left school at 15, shitty school) and I stressed to my DCs how lucky they were to be able to go to Uni and to grab it with both hands

Original poster
Troublesometuesday · 12/08/2018 10:45

I had thought he was being open and honest all along - we chatted regularly and never had any disagreements. We talked about his uni life, social life, aspirations and future plans ... all normal stuff really, which is why I was so stunned by the scale of his fail

OP posts:
LadyPenelope68 · 12/08/2018 10:45

Enough about money, expectations, disappointment. He's a person not an investment and he's your child.

Definitely this. If this had been his interpretation of how you feel and was feeling under pressure from you to achieve, then perhaps he didn’t feel in a position to tell you. Rather than going on about how the University should have told you, I’d be looking at why he didn’t feel able to tell you.

speakout · 12/08/2018 10:46

OP you sound pushy- no wonder your son felt he had to lie.

Perhaps he didn't want to go to Uni in the first place, maybe it would have been easier for him to pull out of the course if you he felt you would support his decision.

He is an adult, yet you are treating him like a child.

Step back OP.

Loonoon · 12/08/2018 10:47

I agree with most PPs. He is an adult and has to take responsibility for his own studies. The fact that he has deceived you and wasted your money is between you and him and is nothing to do with his lecturers.

He doesn’t sound suited to university atm. Step back, stop funding him. Let him get a job or sign on and start to take responsibility for himself.

SuburbanRhonda · 12/08/2018 10:47

I agree with BossWitch

On the one hand, legally they are adults and can do and are expected to do all the things other adults do.

On the other hand, the vast majority are supported financially by parents.

If we want undergraduates to be fully fledged adults when they go off to university, we need to have a system where they can be financially independent of their parents.

speakout · 12/08/2018 10:47

We talked about his uni life, social life, aspirations and future plans ... all normal stuff really, which is why I was so stunned by the scale of his fail

You are partly responsible for the "scale of the fail".

Fairenuff · 12/08/2018 10:48

OP sorry if I've missed it somewhere but why did you have to pay over £8,000 a year? Could he not get a student loan to cover the cost of the course?

Cherubfish · 12/08/2018 10:48

So sorry OP, this must be such a shock for you.

What does DS say about what to do next? I agree with other posters saying not to rush into another uni course without a very good understanding of what went wrong last time and why it would be any different this time.

Carrotmama · 12/08/2018 10:48

I wouldn't be spending any time, money or energy on solving his problems.

What a horrible attitude. No parent should think like this about their child.

JamAtkins · 12/08/2018 10:50

I would tell him to come home and get a job and support him in looking at alternative routes such as apprenticeships. I wouldn't support him through another 2 years of uni at this stage because it looks like he needs to both mature a lot more and also save some money. I also think it might be a bit of a panic reaction, which is understandable because when you are bright then for your whole school life you make the assumption that you do A levels, then go to uni and any other route is unthinkable. An apprenticeship route may be more suitable and it doesn't rule out uni forever, he can go back at any time.

I think parents should get feedback on attendance and grades given that they are obliged to fund it. I guess the students would just say 'that tutorial isn't compulsory/nobody goes' and 'over half the class failed that exam' etc but it would be better than nothing.

Roussette · 12/08/2018 10:50

Totally disagree speakout. I don't think the OP sounds pushy at all.

Carrotmama · 12/08/2018 10:50

Sorry first two lines there are a quote of another poster

BewareOfDragons · 12/08/2018 10:50

They can lie, squander money, lie, don’t work, lie some more and fail then miserably.

Which is exactly what he's done. To the people paying for his social life while he did it.

Stop funding him.

Let him take a year out and get a job ... and then see if he truly values an education. If he does, he will do everything in his own power to make it happen. If he doesn't, well then... you'll have your answer.

Scabetty · 12/08/2018 10:50

You probably feel very naive but he was a straight A student so you trusted his ability to cope, understandably. I can honestly see this happening to ds: freedom, money, freedom .... I agree with those who say get a job and then rethink if a degree is something he wants to do later. I was a mature student and worked very hard to get a first. Had I gone straight from school I would have never devoted the time I did. Your ds is obviously a bright boy Flowers

bubbles108 · 12/08/2018 10:51

If the government/unis expect parents to contribute to their child/young adults education then the parents should be informed of issues which will affect the finances

I'd work out what DS wants to do now - counselling might help?

Or

www.princes-trust.org.uk/help-for-young-people/who-else/employment/careers-advice

Roussette · 12/08/2018 10:52

When my DCs were at Uni, results and projections were online and I asked them to show me and talk me through it. I just kept questioning them to make sure they were on course for what they should achieve.

Hallouminati · 12/08/2018 10:52

I would be fuming if this was DSD so I can understand your anger, however I don't think the uni has any responsibility to keep you informed. You may be paying £8,000+ a year but this doesn't buy you any rights. It's your son's responsibility to be keeping you informed, especially you're financing him. It sounds like he's not ready for uni just yet so I'd be telling him to think about his options and how he's going to finance them.

LaInfantaTortilla · 12/08/2018 10:52

We talked about his uni life, social life, aspirations and future plans

He hasn't been honest with you OP. He has lied to cover his own backside because of course you would have been disappointed as you are financing it. You need to give him some tough love for his own benefit now. He needs a job and start paying his way. Let him live at home and get a job and pay you rent. You could always put it aside and give it to him as a deposit or towards another course later on, but he needs to grow up.

Bluntness100 · 12/08/2018 10:52

I'd agree it's not up to thr uni to contact parents, in fact as he's an adult I don't think they legally even can without his permission due to data privacy. This is between you and your son. The fact you paid for his fees is also irrelevant it doesn't give you more rights. That was your choice. The uni isn't at fault here. They have to deal with him as an adult.

And I'm sorry I get how devastating this is, and when I've seen it before it tends to be due to too much partying.

Could he try for a degree apprenticeship? Yes he'd have to start again but he'd have a job at the same time, studying is less self motivated, and there is no costs involved for you.

user1487194234 · 12/08/2018 10:54

He needs to figure out what he wants to do.
It really isn't about you,I mean that in the nicest possible way.
I would support my DC in these circumstances,but would back off and let them make their own decisions.

Original poster
Troublesometuesday · 12/08/2018 10:54

Speakout - he only ever planned to go to uni and was so chuffed to have got onto a course he wanted. I tried to encourage a year out, but he wanted to go right after school. The deceit I felt was mostly due to the fact he didn’t tell me about how bad his 2nd year was, not the end result. At least we could have been more prepared for the overall fail if we had an inkling if what was going on.

OP posts:
BossWitch · 12/08/2018 10:55

OP sorry if I've missed it somewhere but why did you have to pay over £8,000 a year? Could he not get a student loan to cover the cost of the course?

Ha ha!! Not any more! Tuition fee loans cover the tuition fees. There are then tiny living costs loans that dont even cover the cost of the cheapest halls in most unis, let alone bills, food, books, clothes etc. Parents are expected to make up the shortfall. Given that OP said he was in London, that can easily amount to 8k a year.

Laserbird16 · 12/08/2018 10:56

I'm afraid this one is on your son. Universities don't just fail people wily nily. There are plenty of opportunities to apply for exam consideration, supplementary exams, re-sit courses and appeal. Not to mention many lecturers hold consultations etc but your son seemed to disengage entirely from his learning by not attending lectures etc.

He obviously didn't speak to you about whatever his thought process was. Maybe he was anxious about telling you he wasn't doing so well? Plenty do well in the structured environment of school and then find the self management of university way too hard. Or it is a shock to find they are no longer one of the brightest but just one of many equally able students. Rather than directing your anger to the university, talk to your son - not angrily. I'd be wondering why he didn't mention any of this in the last three years?

For me when I was at university for my bachelors I was so anxious I thought my heart would burst. I didn't really know why I was there but I put great pressure on myself to do well. I was so scared of fucking up, often procrastinated until I did it all in a rush, really not learning anything and not reaching my potential. I was terrified of letting my parents down - because I wouldn't have heard the end of it from my mum. She would have been such a drama queen if I wasn't meeting her expectations. I did quite well but I was miserable the whole time. When I did my masters 10 years later I was much more mature and realised I would get out what I put in. I worked full-time and still managed to meet deadlines, I was much more pragmatic about the whole experience and got a lot more out of it, except my social life was non-existent!

I tell you this as I think at least your son has f*d up early in his life, this is salvageable depending on how he handles it but this isn't your mistake to fix. It is his. He's an adult, and this could be an opportunity for him to get on a much better path whether that is doubling down and finishing his degree or moving into work for a while and really thinking about what he wants and what he needs to do to achieve it.

Maybe the best support you can give isn't financial but a sounding board for how he got here and why and what he is going to do about it. Even if you do have to stop yourself picturing piles of money of fire while you do it!

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