A Level Results - Can't shake disappointment

[WoodforTrees]

In short, I feel unreasonably sad for DS following results day, despite the fact that he himself seems perfectly happy with his insurance. He does have form for trying to show a sunny disposition through disappointment, but I do believe he is genuinely ok with his outcome.

I however have been tearful all day today (literally bursting into tears when alone) and am really struggling (but managing) to hide my sadness. I am trying to make sense of my feelings and make it stop. This overwhelming sadness happened once before - around six years ago - over something that should not have triggered the level of emotion it did, and it took me a while to start feeling rational and gain perspective. I don't want to go there again.

I just feel like the whole world got into their Firm yesterday, and DS didn't.

He missed his RG (lowered on results day) offer by one grade (genuinely mitigating circumstances for him dropping that one subject that I won't bore people with) and has ended up at a perfectly ok mid-tier ex poly. All his mates - similar mocks across the year and similar results - some better, many worse got their Firms and are off to top Unis and I just feel gutted for him.

I am also worrying that now that top tier Universities have swept up lower grade students, the mid-tier Unis are going to be half-full or padded out with students that aren't that bothered. And how that will effect the cohort and his Uni experience in general.

I don't know. I just feel really sad for him, i don't know a single person that didn't get their Firm this year except DS and it stings being in that 18% that didn't. I want to celebrate him but I just can't shake the disappointment. I don't understand why I feel so affected by this?

Did anyone else not get their Firm and feel a bit like this?

I know two people who have gone through clearing yesterday.

Of course there are people.

Your ds has got a place at his second choice university and is happy about it. Surely you should also be happy that things are going so well in his life ?

Is he happy about it though. The level of debt he is going to get into for a midtier ex poly is potentially not worth it if he said, not fully on board.

Can he try clearing?

Firstly OP I am sorry you feel so down and I do see that you accept that this level of sadness is not reasonable, and having been there before you want to avoid a repeat, which is commendable. Also that you are hiding your feelings from DS.

But this strikes me Did anyone else not get their Firm and feel a bit like this?

You feel like this, but it’s your DS, not you, who didn't get his firm choice. He is happy about it (or says so). Why not reframe his uni as XXXX uni (rather than ex-poly)? It's been a university for more than 30 years after all.

Yes, a high % of YP got their first choice, for a raft of reasons. But still almost 1 in 5 did not. Your DS did well (six years ago my DD got neither firm nor insurance). Be happy for him and look forward positively. Check out his accommodation and go on a trip to IKEA to buy things he needs.

You need to get over yourself. He is happy. It's not about you.

Pu yourself together op. He's got good results, got into a uni and course he's happy with and now you're going to ruin it for him by crying all over about him going to an ex poly? Can't help but feel that your snobbery is the issue here?

This was my daughter ten years ago. I will say the same thing to you as I did to her: second choice does not mean second best. She had a whale of a time at university and went back after Covid to take a masters, in which she had a distinction. She has been working but also has plans to take a doctorate. As it happens, I also went to my second choice back in 1983. I had a fantastic time and made some lifelong friends - indeed I have been staying with my closest friend from that time for a few days.

You should check out the A level results threads. Mixed stories but lots of lovely posters have shared their own stories, and their children's stories, where things have gone awry on results day but worked out even better in the end.

There's more than one there who feel very strongly that experiences can be vastly better at some of the newer unis than the RGs.

DD missed hers by one grade too. Lots of unis seem to be accepting under offer but she didn’t get in. After a bit of disappointment in the morning she’s now really excited about her second choice, which she also loved. 25 years ago I didn’t get my first choice either and I’ve had a great career, done a Masters etc. Come on now, it’s going to be fine. ☑️

This.

You need to pull yourself together and ditch the amateur dramatics. Your son is happy. He's got a place. Once he's finished his degree nobody will give a fuck about his A-Levels.

You don't want his memory of results day to be of a crying, disappointed mum.

FYI - I've been hiring/interviewing people for the majority of my career, I've never asked for anyone's A Level results, nor have I been asked for mine.

I think you are right to be disappointed OP. A degree from an ex-poly is not likely to be well thought of by prospective employers and he could end up with a lot of debt for a pretty worthless degree. Not PC to say that but it’s true.

OP I graduated from a second rate ex poly but I had the absolute time of my life and made life long friends (including meeting my DH with the same career aspirations). Went on to get a masters degree, both got our careers in our chosen (and very competitive) field, have a lovely house in a nice Cheshire village and my DC goes to a fantastic primary school. I can't imagine my life could have turned out better.

Honestly everything will be alright. Xx Send them my congratulations! Their next chapter in life is the best. Xx

I think ‘mid tier ex polys’ get a raw deal, they are often remarkably good.

RG can be a lot of style (and marketing) over substance.

Exact same situation here with my DS.

it has made me wonder about the way that Firm and Insurance offers work though. DS’s insurance offer was only 1 grade in 1 subject lower than his firm.

His exact course at his firm uni is in clearing for lower grades than he got now. So surely they would have/should have accepted him?

As it happens DS actually preferred the course and uni of his insurance (very slightly) and only put them the way round which he did because it wouldn’t have made sense to have his insurance be a higher offer than his firm. (He had other offers but had gone off one, another was the same as his firm and the last was a worst case scenario backup at a much lower uni).

I was devastated for DS yesterday because he was really upset not have for rhe grade he was predicted particularly as it was in his favourite/strongest subject and the one which relates to the course he will be studying. However, with time it seems that in that particular subject rhe grade boundaries seem to have had a bit of a hike and almost nobody has got their expected grade. With this information he felt less sad and has been able to focus on being excited for going to uni.

as his mum I am still a bit sad for him because I just always want him to get everything he wants, especially when he’s worked hard and applied himself. But I think this ‘overwhelming’ sadness yiu speak off is a disproportionate response and perhaps you should look at counselling.

Do you have evidence for this?

I have the following anecdata:

A colleague was interviewing candidates for a competitive job and said, impressed, of one candidate, “she's got a first in xxx subject” – from Sheffield Hallam. She got the job.

A friend of mine who went to Leeds Beckett (when it cannot long have been a uni thb) is the CEO of a major public sector org locally and earns three times what I do with my degree from Bristol uni.

A friend's DC is at UWE studying a vocational degree that will lead to certain and well-paid employment – in fact they had a degree-related job, fully paid, in the summer after their first year.

Presumably your son liked the Uni he is going to enough to select it has his second choice? Be happy for him

A ridiculously high percentage of degrees (over 30%?) are awarded as firsts these days too so it doesn’t mean the same as it did a few decades ago

I don’t dispute that, but my point was that the candidate with the first from the “ex-poly” was still given the well-paid role. Partly bc of their degree, as I read it. Not solely obv but the fact that it was from an ex-poly was not an issue.

Agree with this.

I went to a RG uni and my experience is that it’s more important to be armed with knowledge and support on how you can use the degree to follow a career path/get a job aftee you graduate.

I had no idea what to do after uni and 14 years later although my career is fine, none of it needs any degree.

I feel sorry for the majority of young people today who are being conned that having a degree will lead to a graduate level job. It would be better to go back to the old system where the academically gifted went to university and the rest went into employment at 16 or 18 rather than being saddled with massive debt for a worthless degree.

I’m not sure this is strictly true as there are other factors at play when job hunting:

-Having a clearer career path goal using your specific degree
-Having actual work experience on your cv

I think the potential for lifelong debt and not finding work in the field you studied in is widespread now, regardless of where you studied.

I've been hiring people for nearly 30 years and where they went to uni really isn't a priority. It's about what they've done over and above their studies and whether they're keen, and demonstrate potential. My friend's Oxbridge graduate daughter was sadly made redundant and has been job searching for 6 months. She has a first in languages and 2 years work experience behind her.

Meant to add, don't let comparison be the thief of joy, OP. Be, outwardly at least, excited for the next phase of his life, as it will make him feel positive too.