A Level Results - Can't shake disappointment

[WoodforTrees]

In short, I feel unreasonably sad for DS following results day, despite the fact that he himself seems perfectly happy with his insurance. He does have form for trying to show a sunny disposition through disappointment, but I do believe he is genuinely ok with his outcome.

I however have been tearful all day today (literally bursting into tears when alone) and am really struggling (but managing) to hide my sadness. I am trying to make sense of my feelings and make it stop. This overwhelming sadness happened once before - around six years ago - over something that should not have triggered the level of emotion it did, and it took me a while to start feeling rational and gain perspective. I don't want to go there again.

I just feel like the whole world got into their Firm yesterday, and DS didn't.

He missed his RG (lowered on results day) offer by one grade (genuinely mitigating circumstances for him dropping that one subject that I won't bore people with) and has ended up at a perfectly ok mid-tier ex poly. All his mates - similar mocks across the year and similar results - some better, many worse got their Firms and are off to top Unis and I just feel gutted for him.

I am also worrying that now that top tier Universities have swept up lower grade students, the mid-tier Unis are going to be half-full or padded out with students that aren't that bothered. And how that will effect the cohort and his Uni experience in general.

I don't know. I just feel really sad for him, i don't know a single person that didn't get their Firm this year except DS and it stings being in that 18% that didn't. I want to celebrate him but I just can't shake the disappointment. I don't understand why I feel so affected by this?

Did anyone else not get their Firm and feel a bit like this?

I should add that many of my generation went to polytechnics when they were polytechnics, especially if they were from state schools. Nobody worried about it as it was considered a real success to be going into higher education on a degree course at all because only 10% of people were able to do this in the eighties. I went to a small music college and there were two degree level courses - the BA (hons), which I did and the Graduate Diploma, which was equivalent to an ordinary degree without the honours element. Most of us have had decent careers in our chosen fields and a happy life thereafter. My younger sister went to a very good polytechnic to do a BEd degree. While she was there, it changed to a university. It made not one jot of difference to her. I think one of the reasons why polytechnics became universities is that some of them were actually better than universities and offered more in the way of advice for future careers.

Ì think I remember your post at the time. It's good to know that things have worked out so well for your daughter.

I completely understand you feeling sad, OP, it’s not unreasonable when so many institutions, especially colleges, make students (and their parents) feel as if they have to go to a higher-tariff/ RG uni otherwise they’ve failed. There’s a lot of snobbery about mid-tier/ ex-polys as well, not least on Mumsnet.

Ultimately, longer term, it really doesn’t matter that much once their career starts. I know some organisations only recruit from the ‘right’ universities but I believe that’s on the wane now as businesses seek to recruit from a more diverse range of backgrounds.

I got a Desmond from an ex-Poly myself, but it has never held me back in my career whatsoever. I have worked alongside Oxbridge and other RG alumni and (I sound like a dick here but never mind) have been more effective in my role than them, as the skills needed for the job we did, and what was taught at uni, were totally different. I have also worked with and been managed by people who didn’t have degrees at all, but were definitely 1000 times better than me and were extremely successful. The most inspirational colleagues and best managers I had either went to what some would say are mid/lower tier unis or didn’t even get A levels. Communication skills, empathy, integrity, leadership - these all count for far more than the uni they went to.

History is a great subject for a student who has no clear career idea at this stage. It teaches lots of transferable skills which are valued by employers.

My advice would be for him to engage with the university careers and employability service asap. They will support him in getting the most out of his degree and support him in making decisions about what he wants to do when he graduates. Don’t leave it until year three!

I'm not sure that is true. A 2:1 from an ex-poly will get you further than a 3rd from a redbrick or Russell Group. There are graduate schemes where they specify a 2:1 or higher when recruiting.

My DS visited various universities some RG but felt Leeds Beckett was the perfect fit for him. He got an unconditional offer there and wouldn't budge. He did so well, settled in, loves the city and now the village he lives in. He's doing a masters there now.

Better a child happy in their choice who will achieve more, than an unhappy one that burns out, in a more prestigious university.

I know absolute idiots who have gone to RG unis.

Sometimes not getting what you want is the most wonderful stroke of luck…

Exciting times are ahead for him OP. He’ll have a great time.

Op I think you should be proud of your son.
Some teens really struggle when they don't get the grades they needed for their firm. The world is literally ending. Your son has dusted himself off quickly and is happy with his insurance. There's a reason he chose that uni too.
To be honest, undergraduate degrees are ten a penny now anyway, everybody seems to have one and they are becoming a bit of a stepping stone in themselves . So he can do his masters at an RG or top 20 uni, if he wants too. It's only really on mumsnet that I've seen such a huge obsession for Oxford/ Cambridge and RG (and medicine).
Plenty of people who did not attend these unis have successful careers.

Utter bullshit in my experience.
DS went to a much less well-thought of university and a number of my so-called friends sneered at his prospects. He well exceeded the acheivents of his peers at school.
Not only did he graduate with first class honours he then achieved his Masters with distinction and, 20+ years later, is soaring in his chosen career in engineering. He’s recently been headhunted for a job in the MOD in Whitehall.
Ignore all the bullshit spouted on here OP and I wish your DS all the best! Here’s to a bright future.

I am honestly feeling much calmer now, thank you all. I also had a cup of tea with my friend who has a gorgeous, privately educated, hard working, bright 4 x A* son who is off to a really punchy Uni. She has reminded me of the dangers of comparison and is thrilled for my DS who she is very fond of.

I have been comparing. It's quite hard not to when we are surrounded by a lot high achievers where we live. But I am already starting to realise that, as suspected, there is more going on than 'disappointment' over results. I am definitely projecting my own insecurities, and also feeling sad that my youngest (who is the most cuddly/openly affectionate) is off and I will miss him. There's some other stuff too that might be underneath my over the top reaction. I'm just going to sit with the feelings and let them work themselves out.

BUT I am definitely feeling more grounded and genuinely happy for DS. Thank you all.

Ah, youngest off to university - empty nest imminent! However, who knows - you might find one of them back with you after graduating, given how difficult it is to afford housing these days. Good luck.

Don’t worry about History at NTU - it has a very good and very research active department -forward-looking and engaged. He will learn new ways of thinking and doing. And Nottingham’s a great city! So glad you are feeling happier.

My daughter got her insurance and is thrilled as am I. It sounds as if this is about you some emotional trigger please don't let this spoil your son's excitement about uni. I'm a great believer in things are meant to be you don't realise how fortunate you are try to be thankful and positive. Deal with your emotions away from your son and move on comparison is awful.

I’d save this thread somewhere and open it in twenty years time when he’s MD of a large company. I’m not saying this too be kind but honestly character, attitude, ability to get on with people, determination etc matter more than which degree, what grade and what Uni

My daughter didn’t get there firm but got insurance offer .. also mid tier ex poly. She is going into 3 rd year now and has had a really positive time… lots of student support, interesting subjects and has done really well with her results. Had had many opportunities and is going to be president of academic society next year, did an internship and been involved in lots of interesting voluntary and other work like student advocacy . Has had a much fuller experience than my other child who went to a top tier university . Her CV looks impressive but the growth in self confidence, skills like public speaking and just general well being has been really great to see.
If your son is happy and looking forward this is important and I would honestly try and focus on that and encourage him to give everything his best effort and other things will present themselves.

It's better to stand out as the best at a mid-tier uni than be in the middle/bottom at a top tier uni surrounded by really hungry competitive piers who can make you feel like shit and make you lose self-confidence.

If he’s ok why are you crying. You sound disappointed in your son that he isn’t going to what you seem to consider a decent Uni. A degree is a degree no matter which Uni. Perhaps you now need to be less invested in what others may thing and concentrate on being proud on the person he is.

@AntiBullshit As I said - I am well aware that it's not reasonable. I was initially thinking it was 'disappointment' - and whilst there is an element of that for sure, I am still proud, still excited for him and also more and more of the belief that it's the right outcome.

I posted because I knew my feelings were not rational and having spiralled once before over something that made no sense, I was hoping to get my head straightened out, and I have not been let down. Feeling much calmer and have got my perspective back!

But how did he even get an interview?

A 2:2 is still an honours degree. Perhaps the student had very impressive work experience and extra-curricular achievements which the employer liked the sound of.

This comment really demonstrates the snobbery on this thread, that unless you get a 2:1 from a RH (and in STEM not the humanities) then you’re for the scrap heap.

I guess he applied. 🙄

History is a great degree. My DS also missed his firm on results day last year and didn’t want to go to his insurance Uni. However, I think it has worked out for the best as my elder did the same degree at the preferred uni and I think the course and quality of tamgible feedback is better at the insurance Uni.
These days you can do most jobs with any degree. For any graduate course, you need to get past the online assessments first which is the real skill

Because it was a graduate job, he has a degree, and his employers aren’t stuck up arseholes?