A Level Results - Can't shake disappointment

[WoodforTrees]

In short, I feel unreasonably sad for DS following results day, despite the fact that he himself seems perfectly happy with his insurance. He does have form for trying to show a sunny disposition through disappointment, but I do believe he is genuinely ok with his outcome.

I however have been tearful all day today (literally bursting into tears when alone) and am really struggling (but managing) to hide my sadness. I am trying to make sense of my feelings and make it stop. This overwhelming sadness happened once before - around six years ago - over something that should not have triggered the level of emotion it did, and it took me a while to start feeling rational and gain perspective. I don't want to go there again.

I just feel like the whole world got into their Firm yesterday, and DS didn't.

He missed his RG (lowered on results day) offer by one grade (genuinely mitigating circumstances for him dropping that one subject that I won't bore people with) and has ended up at a perfectly ok mid-tier ex poly. All his mates - similar mocks across the year and similar results - some better, many worse got their Firms and are off to top Unis and I just feel gutted for him.

I am also worrying that now that top tier Universities have swept up lower grade students, the mid-tier Unis are going to be half-full or padded out with students that aren't that bothered. And how that will effect the cohort and his Uni experience in general.

I don't know. I just feel really sad for him, i don't know a single person that didn't get their Firm this year except DS and it stings being in that 18% that didn't. I want to celebrate him but I just can't shake the disappointment. I don't understand why I feel so affected by this?

Did anyone else not get their Firm and feel a bit like this?

DS got into his firm- a mid-tier ex-poly, if that's how you'd like to describe it ( it's TEF gold and has brilliant industry links and great graduate employment outcomes). But he's not going. He's depressed and traumatised by his father's death and his brother's mental illness with frequent overdoses. So there are a lot of positives in your son's achievements and his sunny disposition. You have lost perspective and there's something else at play in your disappointment.

Sorry for the long silence and thank you all for the many and mixed views.

I understand people telling me to pull myself together - I am telling myself that. I tried to acknowledge in my first post that I knew my reaction was extreme, that it was probably rooted in something more and that I really want to get a grip of it and not spiral as this happened to me once before over something completely unrelated but a situation DD found herself in that again, she was fine with, but I felt irrationally sad about. My way of stopping that spiral is to rationalise and hear other perspectives, so this is all helping massively

DS is genuinely ok. He loved the his insurance when we visited and enjoyed the taster session they did in his subject.

I think the things that are at play for me are:

DS went to a state school but in a v naice area. He has lots of friends who are private as well, so we are surrounded by people with a full house of A stars and As. It's just 'normal' round here.... So there may be some snobbery/shame/embarrassment at play. It's hard to admit that because despite how I am coming across, I am beyond proud of my DS. He is bright and engaged but just doesn't perform well in exams. The fact that he even got a B and C in exam conditions was brilliant. His shit one was an E and that was for the subject with the mitigating stuff that's boring and not relevant to the thread.

Other factors are knowing that he was in the small % that didn't get their Firm. It's just not a great feeling to be in the small group that 'didn't'.

I am genuinely worried what this hoovering up of students by the big unis will mean for the mid-tier cohort this year.

Bur I am mostly sad that my lovely DS didn't get what most of his mates did I suppose - at the most basic level.

I think that @GravyBoatWars might well be right that there are other feelings wrapped up in this. He is my 'baby' - and will be the last one to go off. I am going to miss him of course.

I can absolutely assure you all that DS has no idea that I am anything other than happy for him - we have celebrated and he knows we are proud.

Finally, his insurance is NTU, so if anyone has anything good to say about Trent, that would also be helpful.

Thank you all for all your input. Even the ones telling me off!

Fine to have a mope but he’ll be fine. Getting into a RG uni is not the end of the world. My son did but hated it and dropped out to go to a next tier down one this year

It's not your results day, your university course so don't be upset. He's happy, be happy for him. It's his life to live.

Could also have a great future career in medical engineering should he want to later on!

My (very big) employer does institution blind recruitment, which many do. I couldn't tell you where any of my team went to university, I didn't hire them for how they did one random Tuesday 15 years ago. He'll have a blast.

This happened to ds2. Best thing that could have happened. He has thrived at his ex-poly, enjoyed being one of the top students in ability, got on v well with his tutors and has thoroughly enjoyed uni life. He's just been offered his dream job too. All is not gloom for your ds

OP,
lots of empathy. I know I take my dc’s disappointments sometimes as extremely as you describe.

but FWIW, parents like us probably need to try to be more separate from their experiences. We need to role model how they might parent too. I believe they know when we are distressed even if we think we are masking it.

he may be much happier in his life because of what is unfolding? Only time will tell.

but your irrational response is common I think. We have so much bound up in our children’s success however much we try to resist it.
our society is incredibly competitive and we know that this creates innumerable casualties. But we all know that comparing ourselves to others is not a positive strategy, even though it’s part of our culture.

Cut what shit out? There's a lot he can do to put himself in a better position, eg not rush to the first uni available and do 3 years he'll never get back.

What is the subject even.

I got ABC and went to an ex poly which was my insurance, had a great time, got a 2.1 and have done very well in my career.

Yep. I did Law at UCL - can't say I had that great of a uni experience to be honest compared to friends/colleagues from other lesser known unis who had an amazing time and many met their spouses there.

LOADS of ex poly universities have much better employability and industry links than RGs (and I say that as a RG grad x2 which would have been helpful if I had wanted to be a management consultant, but I didn't). In the end my extracurricular activities and volunteering got me a leg up in the career I wanted. Just encourage him to make the most of all of the opportunities OP. There will be benefits to being a bigger fish in the pond as well.

Also OP my ds went to an unglorious non RG uni but is now working in London loving his job, his colleagues and doing really well in himself.
Lots of people in my family and socially didn’t quite sneer at where he studied but almost in the way they would say “where?” And ask if it was a grander place in the same city.
A lot of people are fantastic snobs, particularly around their children’s achievements.

I often think about a former colleague of mine who said how common it was to have disordered eating at her Cambridge college - I mean prestige pressure also costs young lives in ways we don’t want to think about.

18% is nearly 1 in 5 students, so there are many in similar positions.

I got my first choice. I hated it. I'm convinced that my reserve choice would have been much better for me (and deep down I knew that at the time of application).

It's really hard to envisage a certain future and then have that future suddenly change. But it's good your son is happy and that bodes very well imo.

I think you need to edit your post to say ‘some prospective employees’ - thankfully there are a lot of people - me included - who hire people without giving two hoots about which university went to, indeed if they even went to university.

I've got one DD who is unlikely to do A Levels or university, whereas the other is at the top university for her subject. There are many other pathways and it's about time this "RG university or be a failure in life" bullshit was addressed head on.

My DD missed her firm and insurance 2 years ago after getting 4 grades lower than her predicted. She has since said she hit a brick wall just before exams started after studying so hard for the previous 2 years. She had her heart set on Manchester and her friend was going too. She was devastated on results day but went through clearing and got an offer from a non RG uni. She is about to go on placement in year 3 and I can honestly say she has had a ball. She has embraced student life, made lifelong friends and is excelling academically. She has a fabulous placement in her chosen field and couldn’t be happier. Manchester is a dim and distant memory. My point is your son can and hopefully will have an amazing uni experience if he wants to and it is not limited by the fact he won’t be going to an RG uni. Plenty of people go to non RG unis and go on to have successful careers. It will be fine.

I got good A levels, went to an RG, and got a 2.2. I should have gone to a former poly and got a 2.1 - and then the job I wanted. 30 years on, still bitter :)

Honestly, in 3 years time all recruiters will be "college blind" and it will be the final mark that matters.

I still have a 30 year grudge against Manchester, it was my nearest university and the only one of eight who didn't give me an offer 😅

He is accepted at the appropriate uni for the grades he got.

That sounds harsh but stressing out to get top grades to lead to a “top “ uni is not all it’s cracked up to be .
Far better to work to your abilities, do a course you are interested in and , from my experience, you’ll fly in your job, career.

Plus we need to stop this ‘ex poly’ nonsense. It’s ages since they even existed.

I am beyond proud of my DS. He is bright and engaged but just doesn't perform well in exams. The fact that he even got a B and C in exam conditions was brilliant. His shit one was an E and that was for the subject with the mitigating stuff that's boring and not relevant to the thread

He did well to get the B and C if he doesn't do well in exams.
With BCE he would really have struggled at the RG university.
He's happy with his insurance choice and that's all that matters. He's not a high-flyer with BCE but he can still make the best of it where he's going, do well and come out with a good degree. He can find work experience on the field he wants to go into and get involved in extracurricular activities.
There will be plenty of other people at NTU working hard towards their degree and future careers. I think you are too negative about "ex-polys" and really after 30 years you shouldn't be calling them that any more.

You do sound like a lovely caring mum @WoodforTrees. Your dcs will be fine with you in the background. Don't underestimate what a loving family does for children.

He's thinking about electro medical long term, has been up to the hospital and met some of the engineers up there, all who started with the basic part 1 & 2 City & Guilds and AM2 from college - the huge benefit to that is you start as a qualified electrician before anything else, you can go on to do a degree or wire houses, but always have the fallback of just being a spark.

It does sound like your son is happy and possibly relieved he doesn't have the pressure of keeping up with some of his straight A friends now.