A Level Results - Can't shake disappointment

[WoodforTrees]

In short, I feel unreasonably sad for DS following results day, despite the fact that he himself seems perfectly happy with his insurance. He does have form for trying to show a sunny disposition through disappointment, but I do believe he is genuinely ok with his outcome.

I however have been tearful all day today (literally bursting into tears when alone) and am really struggling (but managing) to hide my sadness. I am trying to make sense of my feelings and make it stop. This overwhelming sadness happened once before - around six years ago - over something that should not have triggered the level of emotion it did, and it took me a while to start feeling rational and gain perspective. I don't want to go there again.

I just feel like the whole world got into their Firm yesterday, and DS didn't.

He missed his RG (lowered on results day) offer by one grade (genuinely mitigating circumstances for him dropping that one subject that I won't bore people with) and has ended up at a perfectly ok mid-tier ex poly. All his mates - similar mocks across the year and similar results - some better, many worse got their Firms and are off to top Unis and I just feel gutted for him.

I am also worrying that now that top tier Universities have swept up lower grade students, the mid-tier Unis are going to be half-full or padded out with students that aren't that bothered. And how that will effect the cohort and his Uni experience in general.

I don't know. I just feel really sad for him, i don't know a single person that didn't get their Firm this year except DS and it stings being in that 18% that didn't. I want to celebrate him but I just can't shake the disappointment. I don't understand why I feel so affected by this?

Did anyone else not get their Firm and feel a bit like this?

Me too! Only the U.K. is this snooty about ex polys. It’s really classist and elitist. Not to mention the fact that many employers eg civil service and chambers now recruit blind anyway so it’s irrelevant.

I went to a not great “ex poly” (really dicked around during a levels and went to a coasting school where nobody cared - big regret of mine but c’est la vie) graduated top of my year and am a lawyer now, did a Masters at a “better” uni and am qualified in two jurisdictions.

I also know people who went to RG unis and came out with 2.2s but somehow thought the name of the Uni would carry them - it didn’t.

I went to a poly while it was still a poly. I graduated with a business degree that has provided forty years of interesting and well paid career.

Some of them are outstandingly successful.

OP, is it possible that you’ve got a bit of disappointment about the results that is actually sort of piggybacking onto other feelings about DS hitting this milestone and preparing to leave home?

Our oldest had the news she wanted yesterday but I’ll admit I’ve still got some mixed feelings today because the idea of her moving away suddenly seems far more concrete and fast approaching. I’m thrilled for her and confident she’ll do well, but growth and change always require loss of what we have/had and I think it’s ok to grieve that loss some as long as we don’t burden our DC with it.

I did this, not happy at one Uni, transferred into RG uni after first year. They have people who drop out and it’s better for them that places are filled. So I agree this is potentially an option.

My son went to an ex poly university (it was his first choice), got a Desmond (2:2) which he was disappointed with but managed to secure the first graduate job he applied for because the company loved his personality, said he excelled at the interviews and they could see his potential. He has smashed his training year and will be fully qualified and very well paid at the end of this month. His employers couldn’t have cared less which university he went to. It’s about so much more than that.
Wishing your son well.

Exactly
FFs Op, your ds is ok and will be fine . You should be relieved

“GravyBoatWars · Today 02:03

OP, is it possible that you’ve got a bit of disappointment about the results that is actually sort of piggybacking onto other feelings about DS hitting this milestone and preparing to leave home?”

@WoodforTrees - this. As many PP have said, many ex-polys are fantastic places to study and turn out extremely able graduates. I’m a lawyer and some of my most able and successful colleagues did their law degrees at ex-polys and non-RG unis. Indeed, one of our recently retired senior partners who’s been incredibly successful did his law degree at a poly.

And from what you say, this was your son’s preferred destination in any case.

And perhaps this is in part a residue of the stress and, as Gravy says, about other feelings too. It’s been a huge relief that DD got what she needed for uni (she could only do her chosen subject at her firm) but there are some other big changes coming up in our family, particularly for me, so I’m still feeling pretty strung-out.

And to add to the anecdata: I know of several good graduate schemes that recruit university-blind.

It may still be an issue for the more fusty employers, but I think they’re in a minority these days

This is such bollocks.

All 3 of ours went to ex polys. Ones a lecturer now at our local red brick, 😂 one did an MA at a redbrick and has a fantastic job in media and one is working quite high up in civil service.

The obsession with red bricks on MN is pathetic. My nephew went to an ex poly he’s on 50k a year with a car now. 2 years after graduating. His sister who also went to an ex poly is finishing a PhD in psychology.

Get real.

I wouldn’t encourage my kids to waste mo eu on a second tier uni. Best to either try clearing or try again next year or get an apprenticeship. Sorry

You’re overthinking OP. Your DS is happy with his choice. If he finds when he gets there that it doesn’t live up to expectations, there are ways of changing. If he approaches it with positivity he’s likely to thrive. Concentrate on finding him a great place to live where he’ll meet his lifelong friends.

Not even the UK being snooty. Mostly just MN.

I missed my first choice RG uni by one grade 20 years ago. I went to a smaller, less well known and lower ranked uni and had a great time while I was there.

I now earn £125k+ in an extremely competitive profession because I worked hard at uni but also made sure I got as much relevant work experience as I could while at uni and got my foot in the door.

After your first couple of jobs, I think work experience is much more relevant than uni when applying for a job. I would bet a lot of money that my boss wouldn’t have a clue which uni I went to. I don’t have a clue which uni my direct reports went to.

I honestly feel like not getting the grades was a sliding doors moment for me and I’m so glad I missed them. If I had gone to the uni I planned I would never have met my dh, my kids wouldn’t be here…

For your son this is just a slight plot twist in what for most people is a very twisty life. It’s great that he’s learning how to adapt and see the positives at such a young age.

Kindly, this is a chapter in his life, not yours, and it could be a great chapter.

A year ago DS was in a similar position where he hadn't got into the uni of his dreams. He'd definitely have been able to go to his next choice, but realised he didn't want to. So he went through clearing and chose the same course at an RG uni that he'd never even visited...and is absolutely thriving. And looking back, he can say with confidence that the one he missed out on would have been the wrong fit for him.

I'd suggest (as others have upthread) that he looks at other options through clearing before making any final decisions.

This. One of the richest, most successful business people I know went to an ex-poly while I know Oxbridge people in low paid work decades on.

OP nearly 1 in 5 students didn’t make it into their first choice uni this year. Many of those won’t have made their second choice either.

You’re DC’s life isn’t going to be decided by this one point in time. Thousands of different decisions and random events are going to mould the path he follows in life. The way to maximise life is to make the best of what comes to you. That counts for your DC and for you too.

Exactly this! When I’m interviewing I pay almost no attention to what university someone went to.

no one cares as much about university league tables as they parents of A Level students. To the rest of the world, they barely make a ripple.

my best friend missed her first choice. She went to her perfectly respectable second choice, had a ball, and met the lovely man who went on to be her husband and father of her gorgeous children.

seriously - pull yourself together.

It’s awful that parents feel like this. There’s too much pressure on kids.

I saw a whole host of stories from people who shared their experiences of not quite getting what they needed in previous years yesterday and it worked out for all of them.

@Cantsleepwontsleepeveragain you will need to come tell the Oxford 1st class graduate that lives round the corner from me. Unfortunately I went to a poly and we both did STEM subjects and I have earnt double what she has for years.

It’s a bit of paper at the end of the day and critical thinking, personality and emotional intelligence tend to out weigh this

He does have form for trying to show a sunny disposition through disappointment, but I do believe he is genuinely ok with his outcome.

This is, in my view, a good personality trait to have. You sound as if you don't see it so positively. Are you more of a catastrophiser, or maybe overthinker? I sympathise as I can be similar.

I'm sure as others have said that the thought of his impending departure is a large part of how you are feeling. It will be fine. You'll get through this.

He sounds very sensible and I wish him all the best at this exciting time.

Just to add to the anecdata, I used to be the administrator for a very popular MSc course in a vocational field. We didn't care what university our applicants came from because they were required to have an accredited first degree and the course leader's view was that we could rely on that. They were all interviewed and had to have relevant work experience. The Oxbridge graduates didn't always get a place. Some of our best students came from ex-polys and probably now have doctorates and good careers in the field. In that particular field, resilience, stamina and a can do attitude were very important. Which university you end up in, not so much.

I understand your disappointment op but honestly? It’s more than likely not the end of the world.
I crashed and burned in my A Levels so didn’t get to take up my Oxbridge place and instead went to a very middle of the road place. Had a fabulous time, got a decent degree and honestly? Without sounding like an absolute arsehole, I earn a very significant amount more than pretty much everyone I know and I’m very happy.
Also, an employer, I really couldn’t give a hoot where a candidate when to university. As a pp said, personality, emotional intelligence and work experience far outweigh this. It sounds like your son already has a very positive “can do” attitude. He’ll be fine xx

My ExBIL is super super successful, lived in Asia, America, Europe is VP for a large international company and earns a shit ton of money (helps that he is a genuinely lovely bloke too). He went to an ex Poly way way down in the league table and is the most successful person I know.

DS goes to an ex Poly and is doing a degree that many would sniff at here but you know what? He is so so happy there having a blast and loving his course. He has made a wonderful group of friends and I don't worry about his job prospects because he is a lovely lad and a grafter so will get where he needs to be.

DD has just graduated from a top Uni with a 2:1 (not RG nor Oxbridge) and has managed to bag herself a brilliant grad role in her field. They didn't even mention her Uni instead the offer email enthused on her being 'personable' and that she 'blew them away' with the written task she was given (she had to write a press release). She got the job on her skill and talent not the Uni she went to.

I wonder why you are so upset? Is it Uni snobbery? Is it worry for his future job prospects? Or that he worked really hard and didn't get the grades he needed?

If his first choice course is in clearing I would ring them and see if there are places left - and if yes, then ask him if he wants to apply. He can keep his current offer and also consider this uni again.

results day is such a weird thing - our twins got into the unis they wanted but I mostly just felt traumatised yesterday - of all the stress leading up to this point. My son was worried during his exam period he’d flunked his exams and he’d been worried he was not getting into uni at all - so we were prepping for clearing / planning job for gap year etc …. Yesterday he ended up getting grades which would have got him into any uni in the uk for his subject. So while obviously I’m delighted he got into a good uni - yesterday I spent much of the time feeling a nervous wreck.

But I know I will process things and the stress feelings will fade and be replaced by euphoria. We can’t help our feelings but we can help what we do about them. And you’ve done the right thing keeping them from your son plus asking for advice on how to process them.

OP, kindly, you’re being ridiculous.

Heard of burnt toast theory? Maybe it’s a good thing he missed his firm.

I got into my firm and it was the wrong uni for me. Should have gone for my insurance. In the end I dropped out of my firm six weeks in and went to a local poly. Think rated something like 112/120 sort of rating.

Despite this I came out with a first and got into one of the top grad schemes in the country (think 15k+ applicants for 100 jobs). I earn in the top 5% of earners, the only reason I haven’t pushed for more is because I have a small child and don’t want to throw off my work life balance.

I learnt SO much from dropping out and restarting elsewhere after three months off. Your son is at a fundamental age where big life experiences will shape what he does and the direction of his life. It’s fantastic that he is happy with his insurance (he obviously chose it for a reason). I’m 33 and I don’t think anyone has asked what uni I went to in about 10 years. And I don’t think anyone has asked about my grades (I have put them on CV and job app obviously) or ever whether I got into my firm choice or not. This is about you, not him, perhaps you should explore that a bit more with a friend or family member? Whatever you do, don’t let him know you feel like this.

Watch Steve Jobs’ speech at Stanford uni. ‘You have to trust that the dots will connect in the future’. You’ll never see the path ahead on the way, but when you look back, everything lines up and makes sense.