A Level Results - Can't shake disappointment

[WoodforTrees]

In short, I feel unreasonably sad for DS following results day, despite the fact that he himself seems perfectly happy with his insurance. He does have form for trying to show a sunny disposition through disappointment, but I do believe he is genuinely ok with his outcome.

I however have been tearful all day today (literally bursting into tears when alone) and am really struggling (but managing) to hide my sadness. I am trying to make sense of my feelings and make it stop. This overwhelming sadness happened once before - around six years ago - over something that should not have triggered the level of emotion it did, and it took me a while to start feeling rational and gain perspective. I don't want to go there again.

I just feel like the whole world got into their Firm yesterday, and DS didn't.

He missed his RG (lowered on results day) offer by one grade (genuinely mitigating circumstances for him dropping that one subject that I won't bore people with) and has ended up at a perfectly ok mid-tier ex poly. All his mates - similar mocks across the year and similar results - some better, many worse got their Firms and are off to top Unis and I just feel gutted for him.

I am also worrying that now that top tier Universities have swept up lower grade students, the mid-tier Unis are going to be half-full or padded out with students that aren't that bothered. And how that will effect the cohort and his Uni experience in general.

I don't know. I just feel really sad for him, i don't know a single person that didn't get their Firm this year except DS and it stings being in that 18% that didn't. I want to celebrate him but I just can't shake the disappointment. I don't understand why I feel so affected by this?

Did anyone else not get their Firm and feel a bit like this?

30 bloody years. Its silly

Your son was me (admittedly 15 years ago! 😅) but my point is - if I hadn’t gone to the mid-tier poly, I wouldn’t live where I do, have met my DH or have my delightful DC. Grades aren’t everything and life has a funny way of working out, even when you can’t see it at the time.

I work in a blue chip company. The head of our Global R&D is working class and has a degree from a poly (it was still a poly when he was there). Half of the R&D dept has PhDs and a big number of those are RG but he's way more senior than any of us.

As someone who has been involved in recruitment for years I'd say the most important thing is 1) work experience (for new graduates any work experience, doesn't need to be relevant) and 2) not being an arsehole 3) being able to think logically (recruiting scientists). University, A levels, school you went to means jack shit.

There's a lot of rubbish spoken on MN about Universities. Firstly, RG is a campaigning group of research intense universities, it was never about undergraduates and shouldn't be used as a way of ranking teaching. Secondly, the vast majority of graduate recruiters don't care where you went and don't keep up with if Birmingham or Lancaster are considered 'better' for Archaeology / Japanese / Botany. We just want people who are reasonably hard working and intelligent who can get on with other people.

Hey @WoodforTrees can you tell us the subject?

NTU is a great uni. I would never describe it as a mid-tier ex-poly. Just call it Nottingham Trent. Happy days.

We are relatively local and I know a lot of people who went there or go there, both adult friends and YP I taught or friends’ DC. Nottingham is a great, vibrant city with lots going on and a good student vibe. Cheap accommodation, central. NTU has a good rep for sport as well if that is of interest (I know about athletics and American football and both are strong). All the best to your DS.

My ds got his results two years ago and had a fantastic degree apprenticeship lined up and a world famous company which wod
have set him up in a job for life.
The interviews etc were gruelling but he’s great at that sort of thing and the exam grades should have been achievable for him.
Except they weren’t. Despite being very intelligent and engaging, he’s seems to be just not an exam at the end of the year person. The degree apprenticeship didn’t want him and he was devastated. Luckily he’d done a ucas application anyway, thankfully recommended by his head of sixth form as a back up.
After lots of soul searching he settled on Biomedical Engineering at NTU which is our local uni so he still lives at home.
He absolutely love the course two years in and is performing so well he has been offered the opportunity to swap over to the MEng from the BEng which he has accepted.
NTU has been a great place for him, really supportive and he loves the chilled vibe there. He’s at Clifton Campus so not city centre but there’s still loads going on. It’s a lovely friendly uni from our experience and definitely wants its students to achieve well as highlighted by the masters invitation. I’m sure your ds will thrive there.

"He is bright and engaged but just doesn't perform well in exams. The fact that he even got a B and C in exam conditions was brilliant."

This is a really important reason why his insurance choice might be much better for him. He's still going to struggle with exams at uni. He might have got the grades and got into his firm choice had the exams fallen better, but maybe his insurance gives him a better chance to "thrive, not survive".

If it's any consolation, my eldest missed his top rank univ place by 1 grade. He ended up at what appears to be a much more lowly university in the same city as his first choice. He really thrived and the university had a good reputation for post study employment in his field.
He got a 1st and a job straight away and now at the age of 33 works abroad and earns a basic salary of just under £100,000.
Yes I'm showing off but I'm also showing you that all is not lost! We were so upset for him when he didn't get his first choice but as you can see it's worked out brilliantly.

What I've taken from your OP is that your DS is resilient. So is mine and while I spent a lot of the past year feeling disappointment, worry and, I'm ashamed to admit, a bit of embarrassment my DD has picked himself up, persevered and a year on from a horrible A level results day is now working in a great job with fantastic prospects. He actually beat a grad from an RG uni in the final
interview round to get this job.

Your DS will be fine and you will feel better about it all soon.

This - with bells on!

Me and my two oldest brothers all went to top unis, middle brother went to a ex poly with quite a bad rep. We all made fun of him and now he earns the more than us combined. There’s advantages to top unis, but hard work will pay off and hopefully he has luck on his side!

People just band about this Russell Group nonsense without actually knowing what it means .
There are some universities which are not RG but are deemed ‘better’ than many RG universities; . Loughborough , Lancaster, Bath , Surrey et al
The irony is that some of the so called Russell Group universities are not up to scratch tbh
DD1 has just graduated with a first class degree from a ‘RG’ university and is now embarking on a part time Masters at an ‘ ex poly’. She chose to do this as she was impressed by the course

I also think that the RG doesn’t make sense anymore when you think that some people are getting into RG universities with C/D grades these days and there are those in ex polys with B grades.

Same here, 35 years employing graduates. Once out of Uni nobody hiring cares about Alevels. Frankly once you’ve been working a few years the same applies to degrees unless it’s a technical requirement like architecture, engineering etc.

I've tried not to say RG Unis as much as possible, because I am well aware that many of the best Unis don't quite fit the research model required to make them RG. I am generally referring to 'top 20' or 'well regarded' Unis that most of his mates are off to.

He was never an A* all the way student although regularly got As on test papers/essays/coursework, his teachers all insist he is super engaged and contributes well to discussions and debates but he just isn't cut out for exams. For that reason NTU might well be better suited to him in the long run.

I am usually really relaxed and rationale - my sadness has thrown me - you are all helping enormously, thank you.

Sorry to be an idealist, but I think you should pursue the subject you are passionate about. I realise in this day and age with £60k debt, it should be a practical decision - I just feel sad about this. I am of the era where degrees were free.

@HonestOpalHelper I do understand the value of the questions you are making your students consider but DS doesn't know what he wants to do, so it's harder for him to answer.

@fannieadams DS is pursuing out of passion.

His degree doesn't give him many transferable skills to take into the workplace, but he adores the subject and is far more likely to do well because of that fact. It's History fwiw. Pretty unpopular these days but given that he has no idea what he wants to do, but knows he wants the Uni experience and the confidence of having a degree, it seems best to go for the subject he is most passionate about.

Absolute rubbish. You have no idea what you are talking about - plus many CVS are written blind these days to stop the kind of prejudicial nonsense you are spouting

@WoodforTrees sending you a hug. We just want the best for our kids so that when there is a hiccup we can really feel it even when the kids themselves are ok about it. I would not be too hard on yourself. Your feelings will pass eventually. NTU is a good university. My own DC when choosing universities went for an ex poly over a top name University despite being very academic and achieving the grades. Why? Because they knew what they wanted to do and lots of ex-polys have an eye on helping their students get work experience and network. And so far this has been the case, my dc has had far more opportunities to do work in relevant industry than peers who went to the more esteemed institutions. There are benefits!

I sympathise op and understand your disappointment, but if DS is happy with his insurance, then you should be happy for him.

Going to an elite uni is not the be all and end all. It's just one factor where you may or may not get a lead for an internship or job from the alumni. It doesn't guarantee anything.

I think it's disingenuous to say uni ranking doesn't matter at all because it can make a difference in investment banking, magic circle law and management consultancy. But for most employers it really doesn't matter, and most of us are not aiming that high to be honest.

NTU is a decent uni. It's time to celebrate his achievements.

I felt terrible about my daughters results (much worse than she did) - in my case because of disappointing (although still good) A levels for myself all those years ago. I wanted her to give me the celebratory day I missed out on.

Obviously I kept all this to myself - just like me OP there'll be a reason somewhere why you feel like you and its worth exploring that.

Just to add - Im ex Oxbridge and my boss who earns twice as much as me is ex poly.

Saw a Tweet with two students heading to Aber with AAB.

A few posters this year have said how impressive Reading was on a visit.

Had to laugh at York website before results day saying how students must call them quickly to get a Clearing place at such a prestigious uni - two days later they still have lots of courses on offer.

RG snobbery is dying and a good thing too.

Exactly as @Velmyand @Gcsunnyside23
wrote.
And get over yourself and superior attitude to ‘mid tier’ universities. They can be excellent and the other students will be on par with your son - whatever mitigating circumstances you believe is the reason he dropped a grade he got what he got so why do you think the rest of his classmates ‘won’t he bothered’??
My DD is at Durham and she’d tell you plenty of students there don’t particularly care about their courses. But that doesn’t affect what she does and gets out of the university.
Your son is happy with his choice. Be happy with him and celebrate his results.

3 years ago my daughter missed her offer she went to her insurance. I think I felt more sad that she did!

For her it had been fabulous. She worked very hard, had graduated top of her year and said yes to every opportunity that was presented to her.

You have acknowledged the over reaction is something inside you. Any ideas what could be causing it? Is there something unresolved in your own education background? (I think that was partially why I was so upset) Empty nest syndrome?

Take the time to process on your own and be enthusiastic in public - fake it till you make it!

NTU is a good uni and I’ve heard good things there. Lots of applications are uni blind so that doesn’t need to be a worry when applying for jobs.

DD’s school put out a very carefully worded press release saying that 100% of their students had got a university of their choice. I think your DS is in good company.

Congratulations to him for his results, it sounds like he has had some challenges, and good luck for his next chapter.

"It"s not PC to say it" is usually a good indicator that someone is about to talk absolute bollocks.

History is a really good, very interesting subject to study. It is also a subject where there will be many transferable skills involved, such as research, even if he doesn't ultimately use the subject itself in his future career. I think he will thoroughly enjoy his three years at Nottingham Trent. Good luck to him.