A Level Results - Can't shake disappointment

[WoodforTrees]

In short, I feel unreasonably sad for DS following results day, despite the fact that he himself seems perfectly happy with his insurance. He does have form for trying to show a sunny disposition through disappointment, but I do believe he is genuinely ok with his outcome.

I however have been tearful all day today (literally bursting into tears when alone) and am really struggling (but managing) to hide my sadness. I am trying to make sense of my feelings and make it stop. This overwhelming sadness happened once before - around six years ago - over something that should not have triggered the level of emotion it did, and it took me a while to start feeling rational and gain perspective. I don't want to go there again.

I just feel like the whole world got into their Firm yesterday, and DS didn't.

He missed his RG (lowered on results day) offer by one grade (genuinely mitigating circumstances for him dropping that one subject that I won't bore people with) and has ended up at a perfectly ok mid-tier ex poly. All his mates - similar mocks across the year and similar results - some better, many worse got their Firms and are off to top Unis and I just feel gutted for him.

I am also worrying that now that top tier Universities have swept up lower grade students, the mid-tier Unis are going to be half-full or padded out with students that aren't that bothered. And how that will effect the cohort and his Uni experience in general.

I don't know. I just feel really sad for him, i don't know a single person that didn't get their Firm this year except DS and it stings being in that 18% that didn't. I want to celebrate him but I just can't shake the disappointment. I don't understand why I feel so affected by this?

Did anyone else not get their Firm and feel a bit like this?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kimpton_Fitzroy_London_Hotel?wprov=sfla1

Kimpton Fitzroy London Group, actually? - bit of a mouthful, and I used to assume that they'd have chosen somewhere else for their 'how do we ensure that we snare as much of the available research funding as possible?' coffee mornings had the hotel already changed ownership at the time, but tbh, it's beginning to grow on me and I think they should go for it and embrace the name change.

Glad you are feeling better about this @WoodforTrees sometimes curve balls in life are for the best!

To add my tuppence - I have a BA and MA from Russel Group Unis my DH went through clearing to a college affiliated to a University for his degree (& definitely the type of place people would be sniffy about!) We both loved our time at Uni, made great lifelong friends. I got better results on paper but DHs career has far outstripped mine & he is in the top earning cohort in the country. The University experience is so much more than just the degree you get! Nottingham is a great city, I am sure your son will thrive there.

We are just awaiting my DCs GCSEs and I am already having to give my own head a wobble as although they are a top set student they didn’t revise as much as they should have & like your son aren’t brilliant performers in exams. I have friends whose DCs will have unbelievably good results and also know others who are just hoping their children will pass. My plan is to avoid them all for a day or two until the dust settles and everyone has moved on!

OP back in the 90’s I missed my triple A firm (before the days of A star) to read law at a RG. I also missed my BBB insurance and ended up in a not particularly well regarded redbrick who I had to beg to take me. I’m still a lawyer (now quite senior) and work for a large very well regarded city firm. Celebrate his successes and try not to think about what might have been. Different if he is unsure - then he might want to think about resits.

I feel exactly the same, my daughter missed her dream university by one grade… a uni she’s dreamt of studying at since the age of 12. She passed the entrance exam, had an interview…passed, spent a whole day there getting to know her peers and seeing her rooms… then results day came and that was it…dream over. To watch your child crumble and be so devastated is simply unbearable. She has been incredible though and over the last few weeks has accepted that she’s now off to a different uni (still a great RG uni), but it’s not her dream and as the times draws near to drop her off there I just can’t move beyond the heart boken feeling and sense of loss. I feel like I’m taking a broken soul to start a new life at a place she never wanted to be. My head tells me I’m being silly, dramatic and I know she can still get her law degree, thrive and succeed…. but my heart is literally broken for her. It’s so cruel that her dream was so close, she worked so hard and is a beautiful, kind soul 😔

I'm so sorry and totally understand your and your daughter's feelings. Just to say that the dream doesn't have to be over and that it's usually easier to get onto the postgraduate Masters programs, so she can still go to her dream uni later if she does well at her current one.

When I was at uni (90s) i think there was still a bit of a stigma about "ex polys" - i get it's changed to wanting RG these days but I don't think that necessarily means that ex polys arent very good unis in their own right, less traditional yes but thats not a bad thing. For certain subjects they will be ahead of the game and I know LOADS of successful people who went to a newer university and quite a few that didn't go to uni at all. If he is on a good course and is happy then I think that's what matters. If he was on a very low ranked course that was easy to get on with two Es then I would worry that it was worth the expense but it doesnt sound like that is the case

I think you are definitely comparing DS with his peers given the area you live in - its most definitely not like that round here. Here there is a small sprinkling of straight As students every year but the vast majority get average results and go to average unis, very frequently to insurance offers or through clearing.

Hopefully once your DS goes and has settled in your anxiety will abate a bit. Well done to him .

OP, my dd didn't get into her firm either, and she'd consistently said it was the only place she wanted to go. But the biggest disappointment was that she was 1 mark off an A in one subject, and after re-marks one paper went up by the 1 mark, but another paper went down by 1 mark. I can't get over the fact that if paper 1 had been given that additional mark in the first place she'd have had an A.

You've sort of confirmed what @OP is saying, haven't you? In your own words, you attended a 'not great ex-poly' and then went on to do a master's at a better university (I noticed the quotes!). My question is, why choose a perceived better university for your master's if the ex-poly was good, unless, of course they didn't offer your subject there?

Oh no 😢 that's so awful.

I’m sorry but come on! Where is the resilience! Young people “crumbling” and “devastated”!

This smacks of cosseted young people who have always got exactly what they want having to face reality. I’d be disappointed if my young adult child was behaving like this.

I unexpectedly dropped an A level grade so did Dd last year. Yes disappointing but we didn’t cry about it - you pick yourself up dust yourself down and go to the next university on the list. How on earth will they cope if something properly bad happens to them?

Slight agree and disagree with this post.

It is absolutely fine to cry when you get the results. Showing emotion is not a bad thing and is part of coping with life.

But then, you dust yourself off and move on.

DD missed her Cambridge offer, got the grade but not in the right subjects. She then went into the summer pool so didn’t find out for a few days after results day. I was so proud of her of how she switched to her 2nd uni and has thrived. She has said yes to every opportunity and finished top of her year. I am more proud of the resilience she learnt that if she had got the grades and gone to Cambridge.

When I (as a teacher) helped students apply for Oxbridge, I always emphasised it was 1 out of 5 fantastic universities they applied to. If the got rejected they could give themselves 1 day to feel bad about it and then start focusing on where they have offers to.

Sorry but two of my younger dds lovely friends lost their fathers aged 15 not getting into your preferred university is not a traumatic life event.

A friend of my sisters Dd didn’t get an offer for Oxford - you would have thought someone had died the fuss they made. “We are having to take time to process this” etc. Dear me.

I hope you are feeling a bit better about this now OP but just popping on to say that "less prestigious" universities are still full of excellent students and staff.

Not everyone wants to go to those unis that are rated as top for a variety of reasons, and additionally your a level results do not give a full picture of the ability and potential of a young person.

If your son is happy with the outcome then you should be pleased for him and support him in this next exciting step in his life.

Thanks for the later responses and support. The feelings I had had when I posted have levelled out considerably. To those telling me to pull myself together or trying to compare it with losing a parent - really no need. I am well aware that in the grand scheme of things I was over-feeling things (as I made perfectly clear in my OP). But I felt what I felt and I came here to get some perspective because none was available IRL where every kid and their dog seemed to be A-bloody-starring all over the place.

I do honestly believe he is going to the right place for him. And more importantly, so does he.

I hope he has an incredible uni experience. You are entitled to feel exactly how you feel and it’s not for anyone else to judge.
my daughter is also preparing to start her uni journey next week and I’m proud of her determination and resilience after her initial disappointment (no actually…she was devastated) and I know she’ll be great where she is.
i agree, to compare these feelings with losing a parent is unnecessary, we’ve all experienced the loss of loved ones which is an awful time…but that doesn’t take away the heartbreak & upset of having a dream crushed or any other life experience that causes a person sadness…. sometimes people just need a bit of kindness & empathy.
wishing your son the very best in his next chapter!