A Level Results - Can't shake disappointment

[WoodforTrees]

In short, I feel unreasonably sad for DS following results day, despite the fact that he himself seems perfectly happy with his insurance. He does have form for trying to show a sunny disposition through disappointment, but I do believe he is genuinely ok with his outcome.

I however have been tearful all day today (literally bursting into tears when alone) and am really struggling (but managing) to hide my sadness. I am trying to make sense of my feelings and make it stop. This overwhelming sadness happened once before - around six years ago - over something that should not have triggered the level of emotion it did, and it took me a while to start feeling rational and gain perspective. I don't want to go there again.

I just feel like the whole world got into their Firm yesterday, and DS didn't.

He missed his RG (lowered on results day) offer by one grade (genuinely mitigating circumstances for him dropping that one subject that I won't bore people with) and has ended up at a perfectly ok mid-tier ex poly. All his mates - similar mocks across the year and similar results - some better, many worse got their Firms and are off to top Unis and I just feel gutted for him.

I am also worrying that now that top tier Universities have swept up lower grade students, the mid-tier Unis are going to be half-full or padded out with students that aren't that bothered. And how that will effect the cohort and his Uni experience in general.

I don't know. I just feel really sad for him, i don't know a single person that didn't get their Firm this year except DS and it stings being in that 18% that didn't. I want to celebrate him but I just can't shake the disappointment. I don't understand why I feel so affected by this?

Did anyone else not get their Firm and feel a bit like this?

My eldest son went to a top uni and struggled. He left after a year. They didn't care. He did reach out and try to get support but it wasn't there. I think in a different place with a bit of nurturing he could have thrived.
My youngest got really good results yesterday better than predicted and could easily go to a RG, but isn't wanting to go to uni at all. I feel a.bit sad too. Sometimes things don't go the way you hope they will. But if he's happy then you just have to go with it. It might turn out for the best afterall.

lots of good advice on this thread I think OP.

I think as long as he is truly happy and not just putting a brave face on it then you have to be happy for him and supportive. Shit happens in life and we don’t always get everything our own way, doesn’t hurt for him to learn that.

However, if he’s not really happy with it then he can decline the place and do a couple of resits and go next year. Nothing is lost!

The only thing I would say about the mid tier ex poly, is that it depends what he wants to do later. I recruit into professional services and the name of the institution still matters in my world. That’s not to say we only hire Oxbridge people (in fact they can often be difficult in the workplace) but we do look for an academic subject at a half decent place.

Life’s a marathon not a sprint! Dh (Oxbridge / 2.1 / law) and our friend (2.2 from ex poly) both earn the same now but the friend has a much less demanding and less stressful job for same money so you do wonder!

A mid tier ex poly. Oh! The horror!

Check yourself OP

Unpopular opinion,(?)

Given the debt burden he is taking on and the job market right now I'd want better than an mid tier ex poly.

i wouldn't be happy either very honestly I'd sit him down and have a heart to heart - either he accepts this path as he is happy with it or aims higher... either fine but I'd support a gap year where he works a job to make and save some cash and then does re-sits and reapplies.

This is quite irrational. I went to an ex poly uni and went on to get a first class degree and then a Masters at a top university and then had a career change in my 30s and did another undergraduate degree. I’ve now got a career I love and no one has ever asked anything about what uni I went to. Honestly it doesn’t matter.

What utter shite. It’s the kind of thing I only ever see on MN, not in real life. OP if this is the kind of thing that you’re worrying about then get it out of your head now (and I say this as someone with degrees from an RG and an “ex-poly”. It’s the ex-poly one that’s got me my career).

OP
Kindly, pull yourself together.
I work in a college and have spent the last few days talking to young people who did not get their firm or even their insurance.
Stop crying because of HIS results, and for heaven sake stop this whole 'Russell Group' v ex Poly nonsense.
He is where he is and HE IS HAPPY.

I think some posters saying that an ex poly did them no harm aren't realising how difficult the job market is for graduates now.

I get it - it’s like the final badge for a parent that tells us we made good decisions about school etc. We hear constantly about As and best results ever when the average grade is more like a C?

i think it can be a good lesson that they don’t always get what we want for them. That’s them growing up. They won’t get every job they want, relationships won’t work out etc and it’s part of that. It might be good lesson to him that he does need to work to get what he wants and things aren’t a given. See the other thread about the Oxford grads who are now realising that things don’t always go their way. We all have to learn this at some point and develop the drive to work past that

Cut this shit out. Seriously.

There is A LOT OPs son can do to boost his employability

He will be fine OP, I'm sure he will settle into and love his insurance.

I've been teaching 20+ years after going to my insurance, Cardiff, and loved every minute of it.

Don't get hung up on the Russell Group nonsense either - we never thought about it back in the day - there are three of us at my school who went to Cardiff and only this June did any of us realise it was in the RG!! it just didn't (and still shouldn't) matter, its about a student finding somewhere they mesh with and can achieve, also about the institutions streaming out students who might not fit and reach their full potential on their course - that is no reflection on the student.

Look, things don't always pan out how you want them to and you don't always get what you want. Your son's attitude will serve him him well - it's how you deal with disappointment and setbacks that often determine your success.

He got his 2nd choice, hardly a disaster. A course or an environment where he felt he was struggling would be far worse.

It's worth questioning why you're so upset - is it a case of living vicariously? Did you feel there would be some reflected glory in his first choice?

.

Exactly and they aren’t doing the teenagers any favours by pretending that all universities are equal.

I felt like this last year as in similar situation. I got over it of course but remember being tearful for days.

hang in there op

And plenty of employers on this thread have said that university choice makes no difference. As I’ve said already, the RG obsession seems to be a specific MN thing.

I agree. My DS has chosen Reading when he could have gone for a RG and with his grades. He has a lot higher grades for his course which went into clearing at CCD. I think you will definitely find able students at these universities.

Which is why it is really important, and I underline this with my students in 6th form, for students to ask themselves:

1/. Is what I am studying going to result in a job

2/. Will that job still be there when I finish uni or is the demand going to reduce further.

3/. With respect to the above questions do I need to re-think my career choice or re-think going to university.

I have one student this year who was ADAMANT about going to study medicine, got 3 straight A's met the requirements for the offer, but has done a complete 180 and decided to enrol at the tech college to train as an electrician, having ascertained that he will earn more initially and if he pursues a specialist route after the basic 2 years he can far outstrip a doctors salary expectations and have a lot less stress.

Just a gentle note that salary isn’t the only measure of success. (For the benefit of people saying they know Oxbridge grads on low salaries).

I don’t think anyone is doing that! I am certainly not. Obviously a first class degree from Oxford is more highly rated in the world than a second class degree from (random) University of Wrexham. In general. A specific uni may have prestige for a specific, targeted course.

But not everyone can or even wants to go to Oxford. And I think if someone has a course they want to study, at a uni they are keen to go to, where they will do well, that should be encouraged. hard work and passion will shine through. Neither of my uni DC went to or are at Oxford. In fact neither was/is at an RG uni. I still think their uni careers were worthwhile and successful, and more to the point, so do they.

I think it's really industry and company dependant. Some companies do place importance on the candidate's university credentials, others don't.

That's life, different companies are always short lisiting on some basis or other, no-one can ever be all things to all people. Some even discriminate against people with Firsts and would rather a 2:1 grad - again, it's down to the company and their own preferences.

There are plenty of people with the intelligence for a top grade from a top tier uni but not the drive for a career afterwards. There are people with few qualifications who do well on drive. Success usually relies on numerous factors, not just which uni you went to. A successful and driven person won't see a few closed doors as an obstacles.

I think there is lots of bizarre snobbery about ex polys. Firstly, it’s 30 years since any polys existed. Secondly, most of these universities focus on practical and vocational courses and therefore have great employment prospects and thirdly, not everyone wants to join a magic circle or whatever company so irrelevant when posters say “well that won’t get you x job in x area!”. It won’t, the same way an Oxford graduate can’t turn up at a trucking company and just drive a HGV. Fourthly, I know lots of people who went to ex polys and they are all in great well paying jobs.

I don't think 'Russell Group' means as much anymore (apart from the very top unis) and it has a false sense of exclusivity. There are multiple Russell Group unis in clearing offering various courses for much lower grades than they ask for. I know someone offered AAA at Exeter, they got BCC and still got in. Lots of ex polys have fantastic teaching because they are less focused on research and the student experience is really important to their rankings. Yes, there may be some jobs that recruit exclusively from RG level unis but they are getting rarer.

OP, I think you might be over-identifying with your DS. Obviously, we'd all love it if our kids went to wonderful, historic RG unis and qualified with top degrees. But statistically they can't ALL do that. And it's more what they study, how hard they work and what they come out with, than where they went.

Two of mine went to Sheffield Hallam. Both had a whale of a time, one got a great degree, the other a not-so-great, but they matured, learned a lot about life and, most importantly (well, probably not MOST, but fairly) now have terrific jobs where they earn enough money to be buying their own homes and living very nice lives.

It's what happens AFTER uni that seems more important.