Daughter unrecognisable since starting University…

[shines1]

Hello
I am literally at my wits end and hoping someone may have been in a similar position.
since starting Uni in September 2023 my Daughter has started to behave in ways that are both worrying and very disrespectful.
she doesn’t play sports anymore which she was always very good at and has had a number of alcohol related incidents,the most recent of which was losing her passport on a Uni trip to France 😳
she is rude and arrogant and entitled and I cannot every say the right thing.
I am paying a fortune for her to turn into a monster.
lit doesn’t help that I am a single Parent with no other children to either put things into perspective or compare her behaviour to others.
anyway offer any wise words or reassurance in respect of how to handle this.
I have stopped short of telling her if this is how she is going to behave she is on her own as that’s neither helpful nor true…but it’s actually impacting my mood significantly so need to take some drastic action in terms of how I manage this.
thank you…

Her hobbies are her business. Boozing is obviously not ideal but is her business - as is dealing with the consequences.

you’ve not said what she’s doing or saying that you find rude.

How do you know all this? Is she living at home?

Most students go a bit wild when the freedom of university hits them. Luckily they are away from home and their parents are spared most of the messy details.

Haven't you posted this before?

Thanks - no I haven’t..

Agreed although slightly concerned she is going to end up raped or dead which is slightly my business as her Mother 🙄

I would leave her alone about the going out and dropping sports. She's an adult,it's up to her.
She does however need to be respectful to you and I'd make this clear when she comes home / visits.
Did you help her out when she lost her passport ? If so, the next time something like that happens, let her sort it out. She's an adult now.

By the way, never pay off her credit card if she overspends on it (I had uni friends who's parents did this and they'd just max it out again).

Leaveontrees thanks - that’s the sort of useful reassurance I was after on this site..thank you x

Hate to say it but she’s spreading her wings, and apart the rudeness sounds like a normal student! Out of curiosity, did she drink much before going to uni.

Is she living at home still?

All sounds fairly normal. Apart from being disrespectful. In what way is she being tricky with you?
Is she in halls ?

Does she have a part-time job to help her finances?

She is 18. The only problem is that you know. What she does is up to her. Encourage her to have access to Uber, let her no know she can talk to you and beyond insisting on general good manners leave her to it. It’s very very normal.

@Passthepickle thank you x

They do go wild, it's true. You could see it as a positive (just about!) that you know about these incidents, so she clearly confides in you to some extent.

They also seem to go through a fairly short lived phase where everything about home is all wrong - how you slice carrots, how you make coffee etc. They are just out in the world learning that other families do things differently and part of the healthy separation is to go cold on their own family for a while, to sever the childhood ties.

But I'd have zero tolerance for rudeness and putting you down. Are you contributing to her living costs and topping up her student loan? If so, tell her that she has to be polite, respectful and grateful for your help or you'll pause it until she is. These are not unreasonable requests from you, it's not controlling to expect to be treated well by people you treat well so it's her choice. If you're not topping up, same applies if she ever comes home. Tell her you want to welcome her home in the holidays and look forward to her company and to looking after her. But only if she is polite, kind and appreciative. If she would prefer to dismiss you and run you down, that is her right as an adult and it's your right never to share a house again with someone who treats you badly.

The booze and giving up sport is normal.

The attitude isn't. She needs to be funding this lifestyle not you (apart from whatever maintenance the government calculations suggest, which would be fair). Tell her she is being rude and disrespectful when she is- so long as it's not in reply to you nagging her for the millionth time about drinking or giving up hockey

I think this first term can be peak obnoxiousness for students! She's letting loose and trying new things.
I don't think you should put up with any rudeness towards yourself but you do seem a bit over involved in her life. She's going to make mistakes, but that's part of growing up.

@Riverlee no,she didn’t really drink at all - and sadly she is one of those people whose reaction to alcohol is fairly severe (coupled with the volume she drinks)I know it’s normal to an extent but there have been so many near miss incidents that I can’t help but worry…I am her flippin Mum!x

@Neriah what a bizarre and unhelpful (unkind) response 😂

Yes you’re her mum, I’ve been there, but she’s also now an adult and has to find her own way. Is she living away ?

@Beamur thanks…maybe you’re right about being over involved..I need to step back and I know this..the problem is her mistakes tend to be quite expensive ones ( both in terms of safety and money) although I have refused to pay for passport carnage so that’s progress!

Don’t worry OP, it’s probably just part of growing up. Young adults can do stupid things, it’s probably just the freedom and she will soon learn her limits when she has to deal with consequences. That being said you know your child best so if in a couple months she hasn’t calm down reevaluate.

@Advice400 thanks - that’s true…and useful advice which is what I came here for.I can’t believe how flippin horrible some people can be 😳x

I can imagine how worried you feel as a parent, I would be the same and can't imagine that stage as my son is 2 and I'm not too many years out of university myself.
I honestly went wild, lots of drinking, unprotected sex, smoking occasionally. That's not even my character either but when you are at uni you just get swept up in the fun of it all. Actually when I look back I feel a bit disgusted at my life 😅 but I had some great fun times and we live and learn.
I got so drunk once and come home left a pizza in the oven and nearly set the whole block of flats on fire. So awful looking back, I was stupid. Sadly I did actually end up being sexually assaulted as well (won't go into details), but this can happen at any time of your life unfortunately.
Fast forward to now with a toddler and my own home and never drink. I never ever crave a night out because I definitely got it all out of my system!!
I think whatever you say or do isn't going to change much to be honest. Just keep a good bond going so she knows where to go for help should she need it.

Has she had quite a restricted or sheltered life eg at boarding school or heavily scheduled with lots of activities?

This sounds like the sort of behaviour I’d expect from a 14/15 year old just discovering booze, parties, independence and “you can’t make me”. At that age there is often a fair bit of attitude too. Maybe it’s the same phase in your daughter but delayed??

Is she happy?

I was a bit like this at uni. Drank way too much, to passing out levels several times a week (in my first year).

Grumpy and rude to my lovely mum. My parents paid for everything inc spending money for me but I just drank it all.

I look back now and see how much I was struggling and although I had some good times, was generally scared, overwhelmed and desperately missed home.

It took me until 3rd year to settle down, lose my booze weight, knuckle down and I really enjoyed it. Just in time to graduate and enter the world with all new challenges!