Daughter unrecognisable since starting University…

[shines1]

Hello
I am literally at my wits end and hoping someone may have been in a similar position.
since starting Uni in September 2023 my Daughter has started to behave in ways that are both worrying and very disrespectful.
she doesn’t play sports anymore which she was always very good at and has had a number of alcohol related incidents,the most recent of which was losing her passport on a Uni trip to France 😳
she is rude and arrogant and entitled and I cannot every say the right thing.
I am paying a fortune for her to turn into a monster.
lit doesn’t help that I am a single Parent with no other children to either put things into perspective or compare her behaviour to others.
anyway offer any wise words or reassurance in respect of how to handle this.
I have stopped short of telling her if this is how she is going to behave she is on her own as that’s neither helpful nor true…but it’s actually impacting my mood significantly so need to take some drastic action in terms of how I manage this.
thank you…

Agreed that it's her life and there may be more to this that is being told here.......but a parents job is to pass on life skills and that doesn't stop when they leave home. Most of the time kids will sort it and come out the other side unscathed. Sometimes children still need guidance long after they're fledged, it's up to them what they do with it.

First term of the first year is all about being old enough to behave like a child.
Second year is hard work and slows the social life. Third year, for both of mine, was hard work and panic when the realisation of needing to do well to justify the student loans!!!!
Jump on the bad attitude but the rest will take care of itself . Although I did find that all common sense had gone by the end of uni!
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Although I did find that all common sense had gone by the end of uni!

If we're lucky, some people start getting it back in their mid to late 30s

I think it’s quite normal for kids to flex their independence once they get to Uni. No Mum’s supervision, no teacher supervision and the heady giddiness of youthful invincibility.
I think it all usually settles as time passes.

She's left the nest. She's left your parental control. And she's making - possibly - poor choices. And I bet you're scared witless. I honestly feel for you. Just rein it in. When you contact her, keep it to "are you eating well", "how are your friends", "are they looking after you", "how is your course, are you enjoying it?" "really looking forward to your next visit home". When she next comes home, plan activities. A full itinerary. Preferably involving other people and not focussed on her. You can no longer fix things for her or tell her what to do. You already know she's made a few poor choices. Keep home a safe place. And step back. Now is not the time to illuminate her short-comings. People are at their most defensive when they know they're behaving badly. You have to take a step back or she will make you the target of her own self-anger and frustrations.

Tricky one OP. Trying to give it a positive spin, you are aware of what's going on (presumably she tells you) so at least lines of communication are open. This is good. She'll probs settle a bit and will know you've been there supporting her in the background. Maybe discuss her rudeness and how it makes you feel when you're having a nicer moment with her over a coffee or something and tell her your expectations in terms of manners and mutual kindness/respect. Good luck and hang in there OP!

I went through a very rebellious phase between 16 and 18, most of it due to the fact I was very coddled by my rather pushy parents and I'd had enough. It's quite normal to a degree but it taught me to let my kids have a bit more freedom, actually I'm the total opposite now, my kids are free rangers! Maybe you should ease up on her, she is old enough to make her own decisions.

I had a similar experience. It turned out my daughter was severely depressed and finding it dificult to cope. The weight of work, lack of money, contact with some unpleasant people, all had a terrible effect on her but she said nothing. Once it became apparent she came home and never finished her course, but there is no shame in that, university isnt for everyone and some offer little support for struggling students.

I would recommend joining the FB group What I Wish I Knew About University WIWIKAU. Lots of experience and helpful advice.

I can't fully read the post as there is a BIG Sainsbury ad across it! Cant seem to remove it either

I think you missed the point.

So sorry you are dealing with this . As a parent of adults we have weathered this storm. Keep strict with your boundaries and be emotionally there but let her sort out the rest . Ours now reflect on their time at uni and say how challenging it is for parents. It’s another stage when they are newborns it’s constant but mostly fixable. As teenagers it’s less problematic but bigger when problems arise. You will both get through this as we did . Be kind to yourself self.

Hi, sorry to hear your struggling. It's hard to connect with your child when they are disrespectful. Encourage her to get a part time job, the responsibility will hopefully discipline her. Don't pay for everything, let her use her hard earned cash. Then she will begin to value you

Hi,
this is exactly my daughter aswell. She was the most loving , kind daughter until her second year at university when she moved in either her university mates. She has turned nasty towards me. Blaming me that she wasn’t pushed to play a musical instrument growing up . While she did attend ballet & theatre school & swim school until she no longer wanted too , her choice . I have been blamed for being a single mum & I worked hard giving her & her sister a nice home with garden , I drive & took her on road trips . She always had the latest trends within 6 months of her friends getting them. Her dad walked out on her life for x4 years while I picked up the pieces for that .
she has had a good life saying I was a single mum , but I was lucky to have my own parents that helped financially & look after her & her sister too for a thew hours after school . I was always there for them on my days off & we did loads , parks , zoo, activity centres. Home arts . I was a bloody good parent & many have said how well I had done as she was always a polite & well mannered girl. I put her in a school out of town to give her a better education costing me & my patents money to do this to pay for the yearly travel cost .
she is very independent , clever , very pretty with so so many friends big social circle & friends around the world now. How ever she takes out all the stress on university & working x2 jobs on me . If she heaven forbid can not go to a social party through tiredness it’s my fault ! Should she flunk on her exams it’s my fault ! If I try & talk to her she’s to busy , got an assignment or heading out . Yet I am never to pick up the phone at all times when she needs me . I am ment to ask her how university is going even though she doesn’t get bk to me for days. I can not do anything right ! She’s 22 & an adult too . I work full
time with a dying parent & one with dementia & another daughter that has also needed my time & I have split from a partner that I thought I was going to settle down with . I am trying my best! She hasn’t once asked me about how I am ? How is my job ? How did the split happen ? She’s not interested in anything but herself . I don’t know who she is anymore . I know she’s an adult but my own mother was in icu fighting for her life two years this Xmas & I was heartbroken , trying to work in mental health while sitting for hours by my mothers side . Yet my own daughter decided to come home drunk on Xmas eve & moan about her younger sister who was 12 not buying her a gift & screaming at me in my bed , all while my mum was fighting for her life . I was distraught at her behaviour. We are two years on & she is no better. Yet her social media is full of party pictures & friends & I get told off for not liking these enough or checking it . I feel I lost the daughter I have . She’s even threatening to not invite me to her graduation as only x3 people can go . Her fathers sister & her husband has re entered her life after over 9 years of not bothering with her & now she’s obsessed with them . They have money a lot ! They pay for her skiing lessons & transport to them & they live in Switzerland now , so she’s over there at Xmas aswell . I have given her my time , attention , and love but I also have my own full
time job & sick parents am caring for & cos I don’t message her weekly or ring her ( even though she often busy ) I am being pushed out . Yet it’s ok to take anything that goes wrong out on me .
I feel like our relationship is non existent these days & am very hurt .

I want to acknowledge your post, your emotional burden as carer and the heavy lifting as single parent.
Hopefully, daughter will mature and be more reflective.
She pushes and test boundaries because she feels safe to and love you

Take care of yourself